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Very bad news at 12w scan, any experience and advice welcome

139 replies

Monten · 08/01/2014 18:37

Hi, first time poster here. I've lurked for a while, on TTC boards, frantically symptom spotting, delightedly on Pregnancy boards after getting pregnant in November, and now I find myself here. I've read a lot of stories already that have been so helpful and comforting to me and am in awe at how positive and brave you all sound.

If it's okay I'd like to share my story and perhaps get some advice, because I am so devastated and scared right now.

I'm 36 and this is my first pregnancy. My DP and I went for our 12 week scan last night and it didnt go well. The nuchal measurement was 8 - which I know is pretty much off the scale. Additionally, she could see a problem with the heart (its leaking) and could see no nasal bone or stomach (altho didn't say that neither existed - but it seems likely that must be the case).

They gave us odds of 1 in 11 for Downs, 1 in 2 for one of the other Trisomies. We had a CVS straight away.

So all in all a very bleak picture. Even if the initial CVS is clear, they know already there are heart abnormalities which would require further investigation. She seemed to imply that she was surprised I hadnt miscarried already and that this could definitely still be on the cards.

I'm hoping against hope we get the initial results on Friday and don't have to wait the weekend. It seems to me very obvious that it will ultimately be bad news.

I feel like a terrible person who has given up on my baby but part of me is hoping that it comes back positive for one of the Trisomies. Because I'm so scared about having to make the decision to terminate and I can only assume it will be easier if we have a very definitive diagnosis. Also, if its going to happen I just feel like I want it to happen so I can move on. But again, I feel so terrible for saying that.

She looks so sweet and I was so happy and I just cant believe this has happened. I was so worried about a MMC and as soon as I saw the heartbeat I was so relived. I just didnt consider this possibility.

I would be grateful for any replies from people who can share any experiences. You all sound so strong and this is the most frightening thing thats ever happened to me, I hope some of your strength will rub off on me.

OP posts:
ZingChoirsOfAngels · 11/01/2014 04:15

I hope you are ok monten, thinking of you

Monten · 11/01/2014 13:42

Thanks for the thoughts -people are so kind. Had no news on Friday so hopefully Monday now. I really got my hopes up yesterday that maybe it was 'just' going to be a heart problem that would be fixable and it would all be fine.

Some research today about general prognosis for nuchal measurements over 6mm however has made me realise the chance of a positive outcome are indeed as slim as they suggested. Ironically, the research was done at Harris Birthright at Kings in London which is my hospital. At least hope that means I'm in good hands.

Hope everyone else is having lovely weekends and enjoying sunshine - am going to take myself out for a walk

OP posts:
ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 11/01/2014 13:50

I have been checking back to see if you have posted, Monten as have been thinking of you. I hope you do get some news on Monday so you know what you will be dealing with.

Glenshee · 11/01/2014 13:54

Thinking of you Monten. Take it one day at a time. Thanks

twentyten · 11/01/2014 13:59

Thinking of youThanksThanks

Letslet · 11/01/2014 13:59

Hi Monten I really feel for you I have done the wait twice now . First time I was 20 weeks and it was bad news (trisomy 18) but the second time we got lucky and DD was born perfect (after a turners syndrome prediction) so never lose faith

BigSpottyCupofTea · 11/01/2014 14:17

Thinking of you today. Hope you're doing ok. Just take it slowly and be kind to yourself. Watch whatever distracts you.
I've been there - had a TFMR at 22 weeks when we discovered our DS had Downs with heart problems. It was the worst time of my life and the waiting for a definite answer was horrendous. Thinking of you Thanks

kensgirl · 11/01/2014 14:47

Hi there monten. I havnt posted on here for a long time, but had to reply to you. In 2010 my 12 week scan revealed a borderline high nuchal of 2.8 with the cut off being 3mm. We were referred to a consultant who arranged an amnio at 15 weeks. The results ofvthis were normal for dwns, pataus and edwards, but we were told there was a slim but unlikely possibility of it meaning heart problems, but the general concencus was that our baby was fine, especially as the nuchal at that point had returned to normal. We were ecstatic, the waiting was one of the worst times of my life. On the day of our 20 week scan though, the nuchal was once again raised to 6mm, right on the cut off point. Also, the couldnt see my babys heart properly, and it appeared that part of the brain callled the inferior vermis was missing. We were devastated. We went for brain mri scans, and heart scans, all of which seemed normal. It was decided that it was most likely our baby was fine. I asked every question, and did all the research I could, with the genetic condition noonan syndrome being a possibility. However, it was considered unlikely, and we were a given a 95% chance of our baby being perfectly healthy.

My daughter was born 3 weeks early, and newborn examinations showed her to be normal. We skipped home on a high, but within days she had feeding problems and lost weight. She was readmitted, and was discovered to have several problems with her heart, and a genetic condition suspected. We screamed against it, desperate for our fragile girl to make it, and just to have the life we wanted for her.

She is 3 now, and we have had every genetic test available. She has had heart surgery, and it is thought she has a genetic conditiin affecting 200 ish people world wide, called cfc syndrome. She has severe global delay, motor, and feeding issues, heart and skin problems, severe reflux and cannot yet speak. We have been to hell and back and are still always battling to help her. I have given up work tocare for her, and we moved house last year to accomadate her needs. At the time during pregnancy, we had made the decision to terminate if they found something wrong with our baby, as we worried about what the future would hold for her, and all of us as a family - we have a 5 year old too. It was and has been the most difficult time of our lives, with tears, anguish and grief.

But, she is the light of my life. She is beautiful, brave, resilient, determined, strong willed, patient, and funny. I am proud of her every achievement, and feel that I will walk my life beside her, encouraging her on and will never let her down. Our lives now are very different, but right. It is not easy being mum to a special needs child, but we get along, and have a new type of normal.

We are trying for another baby, and are scared it will happen again, although we are told it is not likely to. If it did, I know my warni g sign would be the high nuchal. We would terminate, because for us we dont think we could cope with 2 children with this condition. But do I regret the decision to continue with my pregnancy ? Not at all - its hard but we are blessed, and I hope I am a good mum.

Whatevere news you have, or whatever decision you make, you will make the right one for you and your family. Be calm, strong and follow your instincts. Whichever path you take, there are people who can support, hold hands, and help. All anyone can do is make a decision that is right at the time, and as long as you follow what is in your heart you can move forward.

I hope this helps. Good luck. Xx

Marma1ad3 · 11/01/2014 14:54

Monten I meant to reply to you last night on this thread but my head went a bit AWOL (sadly I know you know), but I just wanted to say I'm just here if you want to chat. I wish I had wise words or something I could do x

splasheeny · 12/01/2014 00:58

Thinking of you Montem. I hope you find out the results soon.

Mollymou1112 · 12/01/2014 10:15

Hi Monten,

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. I recently went through similar. I skipped happily along to my 12 week scan and went into the room. My one year old son started shouting and getting upset and the sonographer man seemed a bit offish and I thought it was because of that. He showed me all the bits, heart, stomach etc..

Then he said the nuchal fold was high at 8.1

He wasn't even going to give me a scan photo. I had to ask for one :-(

I just wrote out the long story of what happened. Then I deleted it. Basically the next day we had the CVS and 4 days later we found out our baby was downs.

It was such a horrible time for us. So unexpected. My thoughts are with you.

Take care,

Holly

Monten · 12/01/2014 10:44

Hi everyone.

Kensgirl - thanks so much for taking the time to share your experience. Your little girl sounds amazing and you sound very brave. I guess that is what I am worried about - that the initial tests come back clear but there is still a problem and how late in the pregnancy that is discovered. Or even if it is discovered at all. Having met special needs children of varying degrees of seriousness I have absolutely have no doubt she is the light of your lives. It would be the toughest decision of my life.

Mollymou - so sorry it wasnt good news for you. I'm glad you got a scan picture - I was in such shock I didnt even think of that. Didnt consider it might be my only opportunity to get one...

I have to say, thinking back I wonder if I knew something was wrong all along, I was so apprehensive about that scan. I was relieved when I saw the hearbeat but......I didn't feel the sense of elation and emotion I was expecting. I was a bit numb and detached - kind of how I have been for a lot of the first trimester looking back. It was quite fraught because the baby was in the wrong position and the people in the room were just being too quiet....

Anyway, I've decided she's a girl. Fingers crossed we get some results tomorrow.

Thanks Splasheeny for the thoughts, its really lovely

OP posts:
Monten · 12/01/2014 10:48

Sorry, just seen the other messages too - Letslet and Bigspoty sorry you have been here too Sad

I never realised it was so common. Or maybe people on here are just extra nice at sharing their experiences.

I think I've figured out why it helps. Because its so shocking and horrifying when it happens, finding out its happened to other people makes it less terrifying. Which I know is awful - I wouldn't wish this on anyone

OP posts:
kensgirl · 12/01/2014 11:11

Good luck tomorrow monten.

At the time that was my fear too, and I just wanted a definitive answer either way. I think looking back though that I knew in my heart there would be something wrong as I never felt truly easy, but told myself it was because of all the worry and all would be fine. At the time of the scans I felt like you are describing.

I hope tomorow brings you good news and more information. Will check in tomorrow, if you need a chat, but the only advice I can give you is to give yourself some breathing space to take in what is happening, and listen to your instincts.

Take care, and try to do something nice for yourself today x

MrsT2007 · 12/01/2014 12:49

That's why I'm always very honest with people about what happened to us; it's so much more common than people realise. It's just that nobody talks about it. Which makes you feel like a freak, an incompetent, an anomaly when it happens to you.

The good news is, that with full karotyping, we found out we had just had rubbish luck, & that we weren't to fear ttc again.

Next time I got pregnant my results at nuchal and bloods were so good I didn't take the cvs offered, and although I worried later on, the nuchal and bloods were excellent so it wasn't worth the mc risk. Resulting chubby cheeked cherub is snoozing in her cot.

Thinking of you, however black things feel right now, it WILL get better.

Marma1ad3 · 12/01/2014 20:10

I hope you hear tomorrow monten x

BigSpottyCupofTea · 12/01/2014 20:28

Can't be on here tomorrow but will be thinking of you. Totally understand about the wanting to know about other people who've been in the same position - makes you feel a lot less alone, a lot less of an oddity. Hope you get some rest tonight and some news tomorrow x

TalkieToaster · 12/01/2014 20:43

I made the decision to terminate back in 2009, following a Downs diagnosis. What you've said about your feelings rings very familiar to me. I had horrendous morning sickness and on one occasion, I caught myself thinking 'I can't believe I have to go through all this again', even before we had any scans and no idea that anything was wrong. I think on some level I must have known something wasn't right because Inhave no other explanation for thinking that.

I know I'm supposed to say that it was the hardest decision of my life, as though women can't have abortions without agonising over them, but that wasn't true for me. It was the easiest decision of my life. I grieved for the baby I should have had, for a long time, but I don't feel guilty and almost five years on, it rarely crosses my mind. I have a DS now and the pregnancy with him was rough, as I was still so raw from the last one, but ARC was a massive source of support.

ZingChoirsOfAngels · 13/01/2014 11:55

thinking of you Monten

Hanzym · 13/01/2014 12:22

I really hope you receive your results today, I'm thinking of you lots xxx

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 13/01/2014 13:50

Just wanted to add my support. DD due march had Downs and a severe hole in her heart. Even so, her prognosis is good. The cardiologists at UCLH are very much 'meh' about the surgery. In terms of heart surgery they see a lot worse apparently.
I hope you get your results today. x

RufflingFeathers · 13/01/2014 14:12

Just to add another experience into the mix - we had a son who was accurately diagnosed as being terminally ill at the 12wk scan - there was every possibility that he would miscarry and all likelihood that he would die soon after birth if he went to term.
We carried on with the pregnancy, and were grateful for every week we had with him in utero. He was born a little early and lived only for a few hours after birth.
The grief I felt afterwards was dreadful - I had thought because we'd anticipated it that it would make it easier, but it did not. But it was less complicated than other people's who had decided to terminate. Our son is part of our family now, often talked about with no hesitation.
I have never ever regretted continuing with the pregnancy - even though at times it was incredibly difficult, and we got a little bit of pressure from the hospital to consider termination.

It is very very difficult - and I really hope today has brought some clarity for you…. :(

Marma1ad3 · 13/01/2014 14:23

Any news monten?

duchesse · 13/01/2014 14:30

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

I had a pregnancy in 2006 that was basically doomed from the start. I had many bleeds and near-misses but each time the little thing was still alive and wriggling. Until the 12 week scan which I had at 12+6 weeks, when the poor little mite was found to have died. In a way it was easier than what you're going through as I had plenty of warning with all the bleeds. I'd had many scans in those 12 weeks, and been in a lot of pain. In the end they decided the foetus was anancephalic (its brain had failed to develop) and it would have died no matter what.

Nobody can advise what the best course of action is for you- termination or continuing- that's a very individual decision. They do say that earlier termination is better physically for the mother than carrying on to term.

We are here for any hand-holding as you go through this difficult time.

CrispyFB · 13/01/2014 14:51

I could have sworn I'd posted on this thread but it seems I haven't! Anyway, I just wanted to wish you lots of luck today - I hope you hear and I sincerely hope it is good news.

It is unlucky, but not uncommon to get news like this - most people probably know somebody who did. You are definitely not alone.