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Original poster

Im about to do the most unforgivable thing to my dp... pls talk to me

277 replies

desperatelysad · 03/07/2013 08:33

Im a regular just n/c for this, i found out i was pregnant 2 weeks ago, i spent most of that time crying to myself at how i could be so stupid, dp does know and while it was a shock at first i think hes happy if still not in shock as its happened so soon after our ds.

Weve been together 13 years now and have a 1 year old son together who is wonderful, but i cant get away from the fact that i ahve done most if not all the child caring, its not dp's fault as he works full time at a hard manual labour job so is understandably tired most of the time (he is looking to change his job, but no so easy at the moment), ive been at home for the past 2 years trying to set up my own business working from home, which i havent really done anything to in the last year as ive been looking after my son, i dont have any close family by and i get really jealous of friends who say oh i just dropped the kids of at my mums to have a little sleep - i just dont have that luxury. Ive really struggled the last year on my own if im honest, the night feeds, the whole of the day, everything that goes with a baby ive done it all, dp would come and help occassionally at first but then his shifts changed so he misses most of the time ds is awake. - i dont at all blame dp its just the circumstances were in at the moment and i hope and pray they will change 1 day. Its only really weekends he's home and can help out and play with ds who he loves dearly.

Ds is enrolled in nursery very soon, he goes 2 days a week, i cant describe how deliriouslly happy i am that i will be getting 2 days to myself to do what i want - which will probably be working for myself anyway but still really exciting for me. I have very few friends, i rarely go out, ive been out twice in the past year since having ds. ive put on 3 stone through comfort eating, im just so not happy at the moment, dp does kind of understand but he cant possibly know exactly what im going through. I just feel like at the moment i have no life whatsoever and i feel ive really lost myself (cheesey i know but thats honestly how i feel, i dont know myself anymore).

So heres where i become a total bitch.. I decided myself at the weekend that i didnt want to be a mother of 2 yet, i want to get my life back just a little, i dont want to be on my own again for another year or so doing everything for 2 small children, i know that i wouldnt be able to cope as i struggle as it is. This 2nd baby could not have come at a worst time for us as a family, ds is just starting to sleep through, he goes to bed at 7pm, were just starting to get time together again and i feel its about to be ripped away from me. So i arranged for a termination for friday this week. I know im a total bitch and i dont deserve to have what i do with dp, he would die if he found out, but i just cannot tell him, nor can i have another baby basically on my own. Ive thought about this long and hard for weeks now and i picture myself happy not being pregnant. Ive been so pathetic and stupid getting into this situation and i never imagined my life the way it has turned out but it has, and this is the way i feel i must do it.

I dont even know why ive wrote it here, maybe to stop me panicking so much, i just needed to get it out as i was going crazy thinking things over and over in my head, i have no1 in rl to talk to about this, but if youve made it this far thankyou for listening/reading.

OP posts:
5madthings · 03/07/2013 14:04

Oh and those making comments re contraception etc do sod off, the op was using contraception but frankly it doesn't matter.

And to the poster who said 'many women use abortion as birth control' ...no they most women do not,their may be s minority who do but please quit with the judge mental crap, the op doesn't need it right now, have some compassion.

Layl77 · 03/07/2013 14:09

I understand he has a hard manual labour job but so do you with a one year old. Yours doesn't stop for you to have a sleep/ relax so its a crap excuse IMO. You're finding things tough can't you delegate a few nights bedtimes to dh?
You do need to talk to him though about the situation, and a third party too. A few days of it sinking in could masked things seem different. Weigh up pros and cons etc.

flipchart · 03/07/2013 14:09

Morris
I just didn't want desprateandsad to make a decision thinking it was the only option.

I have said on every post of mine that an abortion could be the right answer for her.

I didn't want her to do it in a cloud of fog and panic and thinking she rocks up at the clinic on Friday, has the termination and everything is ok and she doesn't have to breath a word to DP and he will never find out.

She has come on here wanting different view points so it is wrong when other posters chide others for something that is posted. It is a forum that encourages opinions.

Potteresque97 · 03/07/2013 14:20

op, such a sad situation for you - most rational people wouldn't judge you for either decision and we all understand what hard and lonely work being a mum can be at times. fwiw, you should discuss it with DH, he probably has some of the same fears but feels he has to react 'appropriately'. He must know how hard you've been finding it. Are you getting out to playgroups and meeting other mums? I resisted doing that for a long time but it does help to know that you aren't coping badly and to make friends and it passes the time while tiring the dc out. A network is more so important, a lot of what you say sounds a lot like loneliness.

CharlotteCollinsismovingon · 03/07/2013 14:20

Let him help at the weekends; give him space to learn through mistakes.

Tell him about your decision (but be clear it is your decision, since it affects you a hundred times more than him) so he can come to terms with it - and hopefully support you in it.

Treat him like an adult. Allow him to be a partner with you in all of this.

If he then doesn't want to behave like one, at least you know... At the moment, you can't tell because you haven't given him a chance. Or that's how it seems from what you've said.

badguider · 03/07/2013 15:12

Many women are not traumatised by termination - especially if it is very early (before any symptoms show, and before the fertilised egg has developed) and especially if they are really really sure it's the right decision.

This doesn't mean that all women are ok with it, some do fit it hard and that is worth knowing and bearing in mind, particularly if there's any question in the woman's mind whether it is the right decision or not.

But there's a bit of a myth that ALL women should find it traumatic and if they don't then they are somehow 'unfeeling'.

PearlyWhites · 03/07/2013 15:35

Bad guider before the fertilised egg starts to develop Well a woman had better be very quick then, the heart is pumping blood through the vessels by day 29 after fertilisation. So thats about six days after a positive pregnancy test.

blueshoes · 03/07/2013 15:40

Pearlywhites, do you think that last post of yours particularly helpful?

libertine73 · 03/07/2013 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

badguider · 03/07/2013 16:37

Pearly - at that point the 'circulation' is very rudimentary, it is misleading to call it a 'heart' and 'blood vessels' as they are unrecognisable as such.

And this is NOT helpful to the discussion.

BlueSkySunnyDay · 03/07/2013 16:47

Yeah she quite clearly said "missed 2 pills so was using protection" but even if she didn't - its hard to know how that comment helped!

I'm not anti-abortion but the fact that you think this is such a bad thing to do seems to indicate that you will struggle to keep this a secret.

I think you need to have an honest discussion with your OH and tell him either things will need to change or you are not ready for another baby. For me to go behind his back like this would be way worse than the abortion itself.

The fact that you think they would be better off without you is a massive red flag for depression

GetStuffezd · 03/07/2013 16:58

I had a termination years ago and told nobody, including the man involved. I opted for the medical procedure, and once I was home and it was all over, I felt nothing but relief. I have never once regretting having the termination but I do regret the fact the situation occurred.
However, I wasn't in a serious relationship with this man, so it's different from your situation with your husband.

There is no perfect solution, so you effectively have to pick the "least bad" option. I'm so sorry you're in such a situation and few people who've used this as an opportunity to stand on their soapboxes should be ashamed,

WhiteBirdBlueSky · 03/07/2013 17:28

Yes, Zoe Williams has written interestingly about her abortions and the fact that she doesn't regret them at all. I don't see the abortion as the problem here, but the potential secrecy from your DH.

quietlysuggests · 03/07/2013 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gettingeasiernow · 03/07/2013 19:28

I also think you are in line for much less pain in the long haul if you share it with dp now. It is his right, and you have not indicated that he does not love or care for you, so his reaction may surprise you. Secrets like this don't tend to end well.
I feel for you but please face it together.

Branleuse · 03/07/2013 19:30

i dont regret the abortion I had years ago. My mum doesnt regret the one she had after me. I know loads and loads of women whove had abortions, I think only one regretted it after

GettingStrong · 03/07/2013 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PearlyWhites · 03/07/2013 20:09

I was answering a little stranger

GettingStrong · 03/07/2013 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nagoo · 03/07/2013 20:30

I know I can't add much, but I am so sorry reading your posts OP :(.

If I thought my DP was capable of empathising with me, then I would tell him what I had decided.

If I thought he was fundamentally opposed to termination then I would do it without his knowledge in the circumstances you describe.

PearlyWhites · 03/07/2013 22:11

20 days not 29

bumbleymummy · 03/07/2013 22:45

Desperately, you do sound depressed from your posts. I think you need to speak to someone about that before you make such an important decision that could have such a longterm impact on your relationship and your own emotional health.

I think it's also worth remebering that you have 7/8 months before the baby arrives. It's not like someone is going to hand you one tomorrow and you'll have to cope with everything the way it is now. Think how much things have changed with your DS in the last 8 months. They really do change so quickly at that age. In 8 months time everything may be very different and you could be looking back wondering why you thought you couldn't cope.

ALittleStranger · 03/07/2013 23:34

I was answering a little stranger

Really, I thought you were just posting misogynistic bullshit, because I couldn't see anything in my post that required an explanation of blood vessel development in response.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 03/07/2013 23:42

What a horrible situation to be in OP.
I think you need to tell your DH though. The guilt around deceiving him could be really damaging to your relationship and to how you feel about yourself too.

SingingSilver · 03/07/2013 23:57

Just from the little you wrote OP, it sounds like an abortion is absolutely the right decision.

Do you think your DH would be angry or upset by the news? If you think he would just add to the stress you are already under then don't tell him. But if you think he would be supportive, then do tell him. If you are already feeling down it would be so much healthier for you if you could be open and honest about what is going on.