Im about to do the most unforgivable thing to my dp... pls talk to me

[desperatelysad]

Im a regular just n/c for this, i found out i was pregnant 2 weeks ago, i spent most of that time crying to myself at how i could be so stupid, dp does know and while it was a shock at first i think hes happy if still not in shock as its happened so soon after our ds.

Weve been together 13 years now and have a 1 year old son together who is wonderful, but i cant get away from the fact that i ahve done most if not all the child caring, its not dp's fault as he works full time at a hard manual labour job so is understandably tired most of the time (he is looking to change his job, but no so easy at the moment), ive been at home for the past 2 years trying to set up my own business working from home, which i havent really done anything to in the last year as ive been looking after my son, i dont have any close family by and i get really jealous of friends who say oh i just dropped the kids of at my mums to have a little sleep - i just dont have that luxury. Ive really struggled the last year on my own if im honest, the night feeds, the whole of the day, everything that goes with a baby ive done it all, dp would come and help occassionally at first but then his shifts changed so he misses most of the time ds is awake. - i dont at all blame dp its just the circumstances were in at the moment and i hope and pray they will change 1 day. Its only really weekends he's home and can help out and play with ds who he loves dearly.

Ds is enrolled in nursery very soon, he goes 2 days a week, i cant describe how deliriouslly happy i am that i will be getting 2 days to myself to do what i want - which will probably be working for myself anyway but still really exciting for me. I have very few friends, i rarely go out, ive been out twice in the past year since having ds. ive put on 3 stone through comfort eating, im just so not happy at the moment, dp does kind of understand but he cant possibly know exactly what im going through. I just feel like at the moment i have no life whatsoever and i feel ive really lost myself (cheesey i know but thats honestly how i feel, i dont know myself anymore).

So heres where i become a total bitch.. I decided myself at the weekend that i didnt want to be a mother of 2 yet, i want to get my life back just a little, i dont want to be on my own again for another year or so doing everything for 2 small children, i know that i wouldnt be able to cope as i struggle as it is. This 2nd baby could not have come at a worst time for us as a family, ds is just starting to sleep through, he goes to bed at 7pm, were just starting to get time together again and i feel its about to be ripped away from me. So i arranged for a termination for friday this week. I know im a total bitch and i dont deserve to have what i do with dp, he would die if he found out, but i just cannot tell him, nor can i have another baby basically on my own. Ive thought about this long and hard for weeks now and i picture myself happy not being pregnant. Ive been so pathetic and stupid getting into this situation and i never imagined my life the way it has turned out but it has, and this is the way i feel i must do it.

I dont even know why ive wrote it here, maybe to stop me panicking so much, i just needed to get it out as i was going crazy thinking things over and over in my head, i have no1 in rl to talk to about this, but if youve made it this far thankyou for listening/reading.

I agree with meddie and colditz. I find that while MN is usually pro choice in theory, when it comes to anybody actually having a termination, suddenly its all 'but what if you regret it.

Of course many of us have had accidental pgs, had the baby and now can't imagine life without the kid. But that's irrelevant to the OP, if she terminates the pregnancy then there won't be a child.

So many times on here I read posts by women who are pregnant in the direst of circumstances and I'm inwardly thinking 'a termination might be a very good option' while everybody else is desperately trying to emphasise the paltry bright side.

Then I read ops from people saying I have x many kids and I can't cope. I dunno.

OP, I feel for you. I have a very supportive DP who does half the work at home, and if I became accidentally pg I would definitely terminate. Even with all the support in the world, having small kids can be very, very hard.

My practical advice is to tell your DP that you plan to have a termination, and be strong. It's your body, you have the right to do this.

ds you said "I've just made such a mess of everything. They would probably be so much better off without me anyway."

Comments like that ring warning bells regarding post natal depression. If your GPs are not great, could you phone your HV and talk to her, not about the pregnancy, just about how you are feeling/coping. Then if she thinks you may have PND, perhaps you would feel better about seeing your GP.

Ultimately, your partner needs to step up and start participating in bring up your child. What does he say when you talk to him about this?

Good post, Morris.

You sound really low OP and I can understand and relate to how you are feeling somewhat. We tried for a 2nd and very much wanted one. Though it had taken me a while to pluck up the courage due to pnd and a horrible birth with Dd. Then, almost as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I suddenly had a really, really strong feeling that I was carrying twins or more. I was absolutely terrified and adamant that I would not be able to cope with more than 1. I was actually terrified about the whole birth and baby bit to be honest but did want another child. It sounds ridiculous now but I really did go from being overjoyed to being pregnant to petrified and that was before the scan!

I miscarried very early on anyway so we never found out and we didn't have another child in the end which we both feel fine about despite being sad at the time.

What I'm saying is that I really, really do understand your apprehension about your pregnancy but I do wonder, if you were thinking of trying again fairly soon anyway, and your mum is due to come home next year you might be jumping the gun to terminate. I also think that not telling your DP the truth is a recipe for disaster. The chances of it coming out are great and he is likely to be devastated. Please DO discuss this with your Dp, you shouldn't be going through this alone.

I don't think that many if any are saying don't have an abortion Morris.
Just get to get support and don't rush headlong into it.

Consequences have to be thought out whether it is a planned pregnancy or an accidental one.

I have repeatedly said that abortion could be the best outcome but get support. Most others have more or less said that as well.

Thanks madbus. I've had a termination myself, I didn't find it traumatic or even particularly emotional. I only needed one day off work.

When I hear people encouraging women to have more kids than they think they can cope with because it'll probably all be ok in the future, I think are you going to be there in the night to feed that child? Are you going to pay that woman's rent? Buy her clothes? Look after her kids so she can get something of herself back? Etc, etc. If not then you might be encouraging her to have a sincerely shit time.

Yes it will be a painful and heartbreaking conversation, I completely understand that, BUT the conversation will be even more painful and heartbreaking if you have it after the event. Because then there will be the deceit to deal with as well, the guilt at lying about something so big, and his anger at being lied to about something so important.

Please do let him know what you are going to do, I know it will be dreadful, but not half as bad as when he finds out at some stage, or the strain of stopping him from finding out what really happened.

Best of luck.

I didn't think many had said dont terminate either, but after reading that op wants a two year age gap between kids it seems odd to me that you would terminate now when about to start trying to conieve again in a few months.

But by urging all this extreme caution its the same as persuading her not to terminate. I'm assuming she already has thought it over and turned it inside out in her head.

Of course having a termination may have consequences, but so will going ahead with the pregnancy.

Telling her she isn't allowed any shred of doubt isn't supportive imo. She has massive doubts about the pregnancy, for very real and present reasons.

Desparate, I hope I have not missed anything but why don't you think that your dh might also agree that this is not the best time to have baby no.2 and agree to a termination?

Could you put your energies into persuading him that this is the right decision?

I'm wondering if OP is currently revisiting the two-year age gap idea anyway. As she said, the last year has gone quickly and she has just about got through. Maybe a two year age gap sounds like ages but really isn't.

I think an abortion sounds an entirely valid option. I do question the wisdom or ability to keep it quiet though. I just think it will come out at some point and that will be a huge challenge for any relationship.

I recommend Caitlin Moran's article on aborting her third child. It is excellent, especially for busting the emotional fall out myth.

I think you know what you can and can't deal with. If you really don't think you can cope with a second DC now, then you probably can't. If you need to wait until your eldest is at school, then so be it. an abortion might be the best option for all of you, not just you but your DS and your DH.

However, don't just pretend this is a miscarriage, talk to your DH. If you need more time that this Friday, you can always reschedule. Lies like this can destroy relationships, not the act itself, but the lie. Talk to him.

You could very well end up doing everything on your own with your dc you have if your dh leaves you because of your deception.

Could well be madbus, maybe hasn't worked out it would mean conceiving again in a few months.

All of us are speaking from our own perspectives.
I know I have four friends who have had abortions in the last 6 years. 3 of them were fine. Out of them 3 one was very poorly for a week or so. The other two breezed through.

The fourth one regrets it very much and often brings the topic of conversation round to it and get teary. ( the baby would be 3 now, it would be going to nursery and so on) We have tried to help and get her to get someone with more experience than us to talk. She was so adamament that the abortion would solve problems but in fact it created more. Maybe she was unlucky with her emotions, I don't know. The other women were emotionaly (and a part from a minor hitch) physically fine.

All I'm saying there is everyone acts different to something that they were so sure of.

Reading the OPs post it sounds like it was a knee jerk quick fix solution to a bad situation. That is why people are saying hold on! think clearly...and then go ahead if need be. But it seems desperate especially after saying she wants a 2 year age gap between her children and the baby is now 1 anyway.

woah NandH. unless you know how she got pregnant that comment is out of order.
My daughter is here because a condom split and the morning after pills I took the next day failed to do their job.
No contraceptive is 100% foolproof.

Nobody can tell you what to do. But so many people would find it extremely hard to keep this secret from their partner that it would ruin their relationship. I think people are only concerned that you make this decision and then regret it bitterly afterwards. If you are to continue as a couple then I for one think this should be a joint decision.

It's a Woman's right to choose. I say this as a woman who couldn't have a termination. That was my personal choice. As other people have said these children are a blessing and I can't imagine being without them now. BUT

It sounds like you are overwhelmed, doing all the work and scared you will have a breakdown if you have two small children very close in age.

I don't think that's selfish I think that's self preservation. I think your dp is not going to listen when you ask him to understand or to help, and is going to expect you to have a child and do 100% of the looking after it. I think you will be verbally bullied and pushed into having a child. You possibly risk losing your relationship if you tell him, and becoming a single mother.

I hope that your dp is mature enough to LISTEN to you telling him that you won't be able to cope. I hope he will support you. I hope he will do more with the child he has.

Good luck OP. I for one am not judging you.

A little stranger it is most definitely not a myth

For some women. Others are fine. If you read the research it's the circumstances going into it and state of relationship which have the biggest impact.

Flipchart, I'm sorry to hear that your friend is struggling with the aftermath of her decision.

However, you say the abortion created more problems. This is true, but having a baby creates problems too. Nobody can know what would have happened on the road not taken.

It's not a case of 'choose this difficult and irreversible option, or don't', its a case of right now, on balance, which of these two difficult, irreversible options looks least bad to you?.

Oh op, I feel for you, you sound so stressed but also very clear that you don't want/or can cope with another baby now and that is totally your choice, it is your body and your choice.

You don't have to tell your dh,legally its up to you, whether or not you can live with this secret is for you to know.

I think it would be best if you were honest with him and hopefully he would do the right thing and support you in your decision.

Please speak to someone, does the clinic have a counsellor, or phone a charity that offers help in these situations.

Morriszap
"Thanks madbus. I've had a termination myself, I didn't find it traumatic or even particularly emotional. I only needed one day off work."

You are very lucky Morriszap that you felt nothing.

Equally it can be extremely emotional and distressing for some people for the rest of their lives.