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Original poster

Having a termination - so confused.

65 replies

plasticbox · 29/08/2012 22:35

Hi, I am so sad and confused I really need some help.

I was in a long term abusive relationship, I was forced to have 2 terminations and eventually had a miscarriage and 2 children some years after. He always dictated my life but I know now I never loved him I just didnt know any better and was to scared to be alone as a result of his mind games.

Anyway many years later Im actually with a man I love,I mean truly love and he loves me back. He also has children from a previous relationship. We decided we wouldnt have children together as I had pre eclampsia and have a disability. He works and lives some distance from me and it would be impractical to live together due to our childrens schooling (gcse's). So we have always be ultra careful to use protection.

I found out I was pregnant a few days ago - I really dont want another child and after a pretty brief discussion I have an initial clinic app soon to book a termination.

My problem is I am already becoming accustom to my swelling belly and god I love this man so much the thought of getting rid of his baby makes me weep. Ive spent the day getting my head around what I am going to do and even though I know its the right thing Im so so so sad and I dont know how i am going to do it. I know its partly because of being forced to do it before, this is my first pregnancy where Im in love with the father truly madly deeply. Im also scared of the reaction I am going to get having had 2 terminations before. Im a wreck :(

OP posts:
Nagoo · 30/08/2012 01:53

I couldn't read and run :(

It sounds like you have thought about it properly and have sound reasons for your decision. It's an initial appointment. Is it a bad idea to ask your DP to go with you?

Original poster
plasticbox · 30/08/2012 10:49

Thank you nagoo, he isnt able to come with me. His work wont give him anymore time off as he has taken all his time. Im pretty much on my own until he builds some flexi time back up.

OP posts:
Nagoo · 30/08/2012 11:21

But you know he supports you. It is not the same as before. I am very sad for you but I can't find the right words.

I want to say that you won't get a 'reaction' because of having had previous terminations. I would like to think that the time will be taken to talk to you and listen to you and help you to untwist all your feelings.

It isn't the same as before. You are making a decision taking into account all your circumstances. You are not bring forced. I can't imagine how horrific that was. And now you are pregnant by man you live so much that you are full of thoughts about how things should have been?

You do not deserve a 'reaction'. I do not think that anyone would be able to keep their job if they made you feel anything but looked after in these circumstances. Please don't let that be what worries you x

Nagoo · 30/08/2012 11:22

That was a clumsy post sorry Blush

Original poster
plasticbox · 30/08/2012 11:39

Yes that is it exactly, I wish beyond anything that this was the man I had my children with. I know by his reaction and support how much better it would have all been and I suppose I feel robbed of what should have been an amazing time. I feel amazing being pregnant, before it was 9 months of sickness and dread. I wish I could have been allowed to enjoy being pregnant when I was actually having the baby.
I know I cant change my past, I love my children but Im a little resentful I suppose that I am finally feeling like I have a pregnancy glow for it all to end in a few days.

As for the reaction, Im going by how I was treated the 2nd time and when I miscarried (blighted ovum so it was taken away) I felt I was treated like dirt and having no voice then when I was scornfully told "abortion is not a form of contraception" I had no way of saying I was just used as an object by him and his friends - oh god even thinking about that makes me go weak.

Luckiest day of my life when he went for a younger slimmer model

OP posts:
Nagoo · 30/08/2012 12:37

oh sweetheart :(

If there's anything I can say, it's that everything you are saying seems to be completely understandable and the things that I would expect you to feel.

All I can think is that your life has gone the right way. Everything that happened before has past and you have your DP and your children into the future where your ex can't touch you.

I know that doesn't stop this situation being so sad. It is. All you can do is be sure in yourself of the reasons you are doing it, and seek the support of your DP. Let him be there for you.

I'll stick around the thread to listen if you want me to and I hope that someone might come along with the right words I wish I had for you.

Original poster
plasticbox · 30/08/2012 13:19

Thank you for your kindness Nagoo, just being able to be honest with some one about it all is a relief. I have never discussed properly my past although my DP has a very good idea what went on and I have not told another soul I am pregnant.

I know my life is so much better, Im so strong normally but this has reverted me back to that timid 19 year old and I hate it. I was never allowed to mourn my losses so I think maybe this is 4 losses in one for me.

OP posts:
Nagoo · 30/08/2012 20:57

I think that's probably true and also it might be the first time you have felt safe enough to mourn any of them?

When is your appointment? I know nothing about it, can you get referred for counselling? I think you have more to deal with than the reasons for this termination, and just thinking about that is enough for anyone.

Original poster
plasticbox · 31/08/2012 11:27

Clinic was this morning, they didnt even mention my previous times thankfully. She was a little cold at first but she spent the time finding out about me and why I didnt want another child and by the end I was much less stressed than the last few days.
She has referred me to hospital as I am unsuitable for a medical (pill) procedure, I have a date already she did it all there and then. She gave me a list of people to call to talk to but Im not sure I can yet. I need to try and get my head around it a bit more before I talk rather than type about it.
Im still wobbly and tearful but i dont feel quite so bad about it all. I was so worried I would meet scorn again. Im not sure I will ever reconcile the guilt I feel but I am feeling better. Thank you Nagoo I appreciate your help you have been marvelous xxx

OP posts:
Nagoo · 31/08/2012 13:05

Oh I'm so glad she made it as ok as possible for you.

Original poster
plasticbox · 01/09/2012 18:56

So very sad today but I suppose it will make my choice easier as my other half has decided to walk away :( I dont know why. He was adamant he didnt want this child and knows how risky physically it is for me. I feel totally alone but there you go, truth is I suppose we always are when times get tough.

It doesnt feel real but to be honest I am glad because it was getting harder each day now I am even more certain I cannot risk my health or be a single mum from the start.

OP posts:
CaptainHoratioWragge · 01/09/2012 19:03

I'm so sorry to read this and especially your last update, particularly you feeling so alone.

I know it must be very hard to talk about, particularly considering the very harsh way were you were spoken to previously, but is there anyone else in RL you can tell and ask for support- even if you send them a text/email if its too hard to say out loud?

IslaValargeone · 01/09/2012 19:09

Sorry if I have misunderstood, is he walking because of the procedure? or walking because of something else?
I'm so sorry for what you have been/are going through.
I have no practical advice but didn't want to read and not post.
Sending you lots of love.

Original poster
plasticbox · 01/09/2012 19:10

Thank you, I have a list of people I can call I got from the clinic but it will have to wait until the children are back at school. If I start crying I will never stop and I really dont want them to have even an idea of what I am doing.

OP posts:
Original poster
plasticbox · 01/09/2012 19:13

Isla he just said he couldnt be with me anymore. I have no idea what the truth is, maybe he felt like this before or maybe he isnt happy with the procedure. Either way it makes no difference I wont be dictated to about my body by a man again and wont change my mind in the hope he comes back as i would just resent him anyway. I have come a long way since I divorced like that.

OP posts:
CaptainHoratioWragge · 01/09/2012 19:16

You sound like you are very strong and being very brave in horrible circumstances and still managing to be a good mum! Well done.

IslaValargeone · 01/09/2012 19:19

Gosh, sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you should be dictated to by him, no not at all.
I just wondered what had triggered the split, but it could have been anything and obviously is none of my business.

Original poster
plasticbox · 01/09/2012 19:23

Sorry Isla I didnt mean it like that I didnt mean to be defensive, I genuinely have no idea what his problem is - I cant let myself care really because I am so close to breaking down anyway.

Im gutted, truly totally gutted

OP posts:
IslaValargeone · 01/09/2012 19:29

No don't apologise plastic.

I wish I had some words of wisdom, or something that would comfort you. You sound amazingly strong.

BIWI · 01/09/2012 19:32

I'm so, so sorry to read your posts Sad. I haven't anything helpful to add to anyone else's posts, just wanted to offer you my support.

Nagoo · 01/09/2012 20:52

Oh Plastic :(

I'm so sorry.

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 01/09/2012 20:58

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through so much plastic. I hope you can hold onto that strength of yours and focus on the future with your dcs. Xxx

BasicallySFB · 01/09/2012 21:08

Nothing to add but Thanks, Brew and a virtual handhold. What an torrid, horrific time. You're in my thoughts xx

Original poster
plasticbox · 01/09/2012 21:17

Thank you all x
I dont think there is anything to be said but its helping me focus writing on here and I am so grateful for all your caring replies.

My children are in bed. well the eldest in on her laptop, I dont like it upstairs but I needed some space desperately. Its so hard shutting them out as we have always been in everything together. Im going to get sterilized I think, I cannot go through this again.

OP posts:
BasicallySFB · 02/09/2012 08:38

There's time for other decisions later. Focus on you and your DC now, be kind to yourself and much warm thoughts x