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Original poster

Having a termination - so confused.

65 replies

plasticbox · 29/08/2012 22:35

Hi, I am so sad and confused I really need some help.

I was in a long term abusive relationship, I was forced to have 2 terminations and eventually had a miscarriage and 2 children some years after. He always dictated my life but I know now I never loved him I just didnt know any better and was to scared to be alone as a result of his mind games.

Anyway many years later Im actually with a man I love,I mean truly love and he loves me back. He also has children from a previous relationship. We decided we wouldnt have children together as I had pre eclampsia and have a disability. He works and lives some distance from me and it would be impractical to live together due to our childrens schooling (gcse's). So we have always be ultra careful to use protection.

I found out I was pregnant a few days ago - I really dont want another child and after a pretty brief discussion I have an initial clinic app soon to book a termination.

My problem is I am already becoming accustom to my swelling belly and god I love this man so much the thought of getting rid of his baby makes me weep. Ive spent the day getting my head around what I am going to do and even though I know its the right thing Im so so so sad and I dont know how i am going to do it. I know its partly because of being forced to do it before, this is my first pregnancy where Im in love with the father truly madly deeply. Im also scared of the reaction I am going to get having had 2 terminations before. Im a wreck :(

OP posts:
Original poster
plasticbox · 02/09/2012 23:16

Thank you all for your kindness, its not an easy topic and I appreciate how many people would love to be pregnant instead of me.

Today has been tough, full of sickness and a heaving bust. I guess my body knows what to do and its doing it full on! I feel detached from reality at the moment - life is going on around me and I am just stood watching. Odd.

OP posts:
BasicallySFB · 02/09/2012 23:49

Makes sense to me - what's happening is overwhelming, so you shut down to cope with the day to day? X

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 03/09/2012 09:40

Plastic it's all well and good saying 'other people would give their right arm' or some such but in our lives we can only live them the best we can for us , you've seen first hand the terrible damage that can be done letting others make decisions for you.

You seem like a very strong woman and I hope you remain so. But this would give anybody a knock and you need to be patient and kind to yourself.

Nagoo · 04/09/2012 14:24

How are you today plastic?

Original poster
plasticbox · 04/09/2012 19:58

Hi Nagoo,Im doing okay thank you x Im struggling to eat but other than that physically fine. I have sort of spoken without really saying much to my DP or what ever he may be. I think he has freaked out about the termination but just cant talk about it, he does realise how much of an arse he was leaving me like that though. I dont know where we are or where we go from here but I am not focusing on him. He knows where I am and how I feel.

I still have mixed emotions about the choice I have made but I think that is probably normal? Im so tired of thinking about it it, I wish it were all over.

OP posts:
Nagoo · 04/09/2012 20:35

I think it is difficult for him too, but ATM I don't think you need to use the headspace worrying about how it affects him. He must be able to understand that it is happening to your body and he needs to support you. If he can't then I do understand why you would need to shut down to him for a bit.

I think having mixed emotions is completely normal. Even when you are certain that is is the right thing to do, it is never going to be easy, and you will always be thinking about 'what ifs'.

How long do you have to wait?

You are doing really well, keep focused on what you need x

Original poster
plasticbox · 04/09/2012 22:55

My 2nd appointment to see the 2nd Dr is Friday, then I have to get a surgery appointment. Im not even sure exactly how far along I am so the surgery will have to be the optimum time for safety, I guess as you have to be so many weeks and have had it seen on a scan as being in the right place as I understand it. Its odd knowing, there was very little discussion before so I really had no idea what was going on. I have not decided if thats a good or bad thing yet!

OP posts:
RagingDull · 04/09/2012 23:03

darling, i am so sorry to read how upset you are, have you explored all your options? have you thought about counselling to see you through this most difficult of times?
and is this what you want?
i am completely pro choice - just make sure you are doing the right thing for you. x

Original poster
plasticbox · 04/09/2012 23:16

Hi Ragingdull, yes this is certainly what I want, I knew the instant the test changed - when I think about actually having another child it makes me go cold.
I am going to call one of the list of numbers I was given at clinic as soon as the children are back at school. I know I need to deal with my past I guess I just hoped I would never have to face it!

OP posts:
RagingDull · 04/09/2012 23:25

well at least you know what you want - and you sound strong enough to see it through no matter what.

the past can creep up on you cant it....im just in the process of putting mine to bed through counselling - best decision i ever made.

best of luck with it all.
x

Oblomov · 05/09/2012 16:36

Just wanted to add some support.
I have had a termination some time ago. We ( he was my dp then, but is my dh now) both knew it was the right decision then. And I/We have not regretted it since.
But your situation is not like that, is it?
I have health issues, but i have none of the relationship/emotional history you have.
I feel so sorry for you. Please think very carefully. I seem to get the impression that you are just not sure. Am I right?
I just hope that you can get to place where you are sure. It makes it so much easier. You don't wnat to regret anything, do you.
Oh sugar, this doesn't sound very supportive, does it. I hope you can take it to be, because it is meant to be supportive.
Keep talking to us.

Original poster
plasticbox · 05/09/2012 18:07

Hi Oblo,Thank you x I am certain I want a termination, I dont want another child at all. I cant really explain how miserable my life was prior to now but basically I was an object and spent most of my pregnancies terrified. Its not like that now, Im strong, independent and usually very happy. The problem is that I am gutted to have missed out on the pregnancy and baby excitement and happiness. It was all soured so much I didnt bond with my eldest until junior school age.
I know that had my situation been similar to now it would have been so very different and that is what I am struggling with. I feel the baby glow even with the sickness so there is a constant reminder of what could have been.

OP posts:
Peachy · 05/09/2012 18:16

Hi and hugs

firstly I did want you to be aware that the pre-eclampsia risk with pregnancies by a different father is very different. that's not to say don't do it, just 'here are the facts' IYSWIM.

Secondly also I just felt I wanted to come and post hugs; I admire you for escaping your first abusive partner, and i think anyone with that strength will get through. Have faith in your own decisions and needs, because you have earned that right. You will cope with this termination, and you have every right to make that decision for yourself. You deserve someone who can stay with you throughout this and respect your decision.

I hope that did not sound patronising. Heck, I have kids with a genetic condition: I love babies but should I ever get PG again- I could not see any other option, for me.

Best wishes X

Original poster
plasticbox · 05/09/2012 18:29

Thank you Peachy x Unfortunately for me its not just the eclampsia, I have a physical disability as well.

And no its wasn't patronising at all, I appreciate every word. Everyone has been so caring.

OP posts:
BasicallySFB · 05/09/2012 18:32

You're in a very difficult and draining situation and are coping amazingly well by the sounds of it - inspirational and very strong woman x

Original poster
plasticbox · 05/09/2012 18:33

Thank you SFB x

OP posts:
Nagoo · 05/09/2012 22:24

I'll check in with you on Friday, do the DC go back before then? Maybe you could call the counselling people. It might help to have spoken some of it out loud before you have the appointment, so you know that you can, IYSWIM?

Original poster
plasticbox · 06/09/2012 20:26

Hi Nagoo x I was going to call someone today but have had a rotten day, Ive been so very sick and uncomfortable. My belly hurts and is quite crampy so i am actually really glad Im going tomorrow as something doesnt feel quite right. Given how my head has felt all day I have a feeling my BP has gone up already! Is that possible even? I really dont want medications.
Anyway Im quite focused on whats going to happen and it will be a relief to get checked out as I seem to be getting a bit worse each day. I am surviving on water and soup in the evenings now. Ugg I had forgotten this bit.

OP posts:
Nagoo · 06/09/2012 20:40

I'll be thinking of you x

Original poster
plasticbox · 07/09/2012 16:12

Well that was pretty horrid :( I dont think I can go into to much detail. The Dr was so kind though. He was very gentle with me, went through all the options and gave me a date. I had no idea I would have to be examined so much I feel so sore now, it wasnt like that before. My BP is up though it is too early to be classed as pre eclampia I have to be checked again next week, pre op the following week then op after that.
He wasnt happy with the pain I was in and was going to read through my notes for anything I was not aware of after having the children. If I start to bleed I have to contact his dept straight away.

OP posts:
IslaValargeone · 07/09/2012 20:00

Hi, just wanted to check in and see how you are. Still thinking about you.
Sorry you are feeling so rough. Sending you a big hug x

Original poster
plasticbox · 07/09/2012 23:13

Hi isla thank you x Sadly the pain has not eased to I have had to take some painkillers. It doesnt look like I am going to get an easy ride for the next couple of weeks.

OP posts:
IslaValargeone · 08/09/2012 09:01

Hope you are feeling a bit better this morning.

Original poster
plasticbox · 08/09/2012 10:28

Much better thank you, I ache all over but I am not in pain anymore so its a normal ache for me. I slept really well I think I must have been exhausted not having slept or eaten much this week. I actually dont feel to sick today so am going to have a piece of toast quickly before it starts.

OP posts:
Peachy · 08/09/2012 13:43

I am so glad that you have seen someone who sounds so helpful, plastic.

With the sickness, try and have stuff with a high water content- melon, ice pops, lettuce etc- and sleep lots, sleep deprivation is associated with severe vomiting and nausea in pregnancy.

And make sure you keep in touch with doctor if you feel any more ill.