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Termination at 20 weeks

64 replies

Clarabell78 · 13/04/2012 09:38

After a bad scan yesterday which showed serious abnormalities at 20 weeks we have decided to go ahead with a termination. I am waiting for the midwife to call me back to get this arranged but after reading online I have seen that you can have a general anaesthetic and something called a D&E. It does not seem to be routinely offered though. I would much prefer this option as opposed to having to give birth. Does anyone have any advice on why this was not offered to me and how I would go about getting this option?

OP posts:
Clarabell78 · 15/04/2012 15:57

I have never given birth this is my first pregnancy. The fear of the unknown is overwhelming.

OP posts:
DarkDarkWood · 15/04/2012 16:05

Oh you poor thing. I don't know what to say that will help you. You will be able to trust those around you to support you. The physical pain will hurt but it won't be agony as you will have pain relief. When your contractions start, yes they will hurt but your body will be doing a natural process. Contractions hurt but you will feel your body doing what it is supposed to do. I can't explain that part more than that. For me, it began like bad period pains and just got stronger.

Will your partner be with you? Has your midwife explained it to you in detail? Do you know what the procedure will be once you've given birth, where you will be?

Clarabell78 · 15/04/2012 17:26

Yes my partner will be there. They have explained to us the process but not really in any great detail. I think perhaps they do that to avoid you worrying. Afterwards we know what the options are but I'm very unsure if I want to see him. I know that may sounds terrible to some but I just don't know if I could cope.

OP posts:
Methe · 15/04/2012 17:28

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow x

aleene · 15/04/2012 18:11

So sorry you are going through this and that you are so scared. I am sure the staff will support you in your concerns. Wishing you lots of strength.

AWomanCalledHorse · 15/04/2012 18:13

Clarabell, I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, wishing you & your partner lots of strength. X

Codandchops · 15/04/2012 18:19

I will be thnking of you tomorrow Clara and also Firsttobed. Much love and strength to you both and your partners. xxx

mellowcat · 15/04/2012 18:22

I'll be thinking of you Clara and Firstobed, so very sorry x

DarkDarkWood · 15/04/2012 20:19

The fear of the unknown is so bloody strong, i know. Take it slowly and know that you can change your mind and any moment on whether you want to see him. You don't have to make those decisions just yet and whatever you do decide will be right for you.

Clarabell78 · 15/04/2012 23:13

I've just read online elsewhere that my baby could be born alive! Is this true at 20 weeks. I honestly don't know how I would be able to get over that. The midwife has said that wouldn't be the case. I just want the truth I feel like the midwives I have spoken to are telling me half truths to spare my feelings but that isn't helping at all. So confused, upset and scared.

OP posts:
Codandchops · 16/04/2012 00:09

Hi Clara, jusr want to confirm what your midwife has said, your baby won't be born alive. I used to be a midwife and cared for several women in your situation at 20 weeks and beyond, I never had a baby show any signs of life.

Your baby will be born in the amniotic sac so your waters won't be broken, the midwife will wrap him/her up in a blanket and take him/her out of the room after she is sure you are not bleeding etc.

The midwife will then lift your baby out of the sac and wrap him/her in a blanket so that you can have a cuddle if you want to. Some women want to do this and some don't - it will be entirely up to you.

Thinking of you xx

Pumpster · 16/04/2012 00:14

So sorry x

Codandchops · 16/04/2012 07:07

Thinking of you today Clarabell.

And you Firstobed.

Sending you both love and strength xx

JuliaScurr · 16/04/2012 13:01

Thinking of you both

Firsttobed · 16/04/2012 14:22

Thinking of you today Clarabell. I do hope that you have as peaceful an experience as you would wish for. I wouldn't wish anyone to go through this. Much love and prayers. Xx

AdiVic · 16/04/2012 15:39

Hello - just seen your post - hope you are bearing up. You may not read this before, but in my case the pain wasnt' too bad, so hang in there. Thinking of you, somewhere out there. Hugs and wishes - you'll get through it, may not seem like it somedays, but it gets better. xx

doihavetonamechange · 16/04/2012 16:05

Clarabel, I have seen you on Firsts thread, I am thinking of you too, and have been since I saw your first post.

To go through this on your first pregnancy, I am so very sorry, you will always be this babies mummy, I put some poems I copied from the bereaved mummies thread on Firsts post, and I am copying them here, along with the link to that thread. If you feel the poems are too much please please hit report and have my post removed.

With so much love. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

here

Its a beautiful thread, full of love.

I've loved my child right from the start,
A feeling that's filled my entire heart.
I went through the labor and suffered the pain,
For many long hours with nothing to gain.

I've spent sleepless nights being awake,
Though it's been a while my arms they still ache.
I've sat and I've wondered of how he would grow,
The love of my family that he'd come to know.

The sound of his voice as he learns to talk,
Watching his steps as he tries to walk.
I have a child that I really love so,
I am his mother yet nobody knows.

I've spent all these months feeling him grow,
I've lived through it all and have nothing to show.
I don't get invited to chat with young mothers,
Because I don't have a baby like all of the others.

I've got some stretch marks that I'd like to hide,
but I don't have a pram with a baby inside.
The people I've known for so many years,
Avoid me now, which adds to my tears.

I don't know how long I'll be feeling like this,
But one thing I know, my baby I miss.
When Mother's day comes it will be very hard,
I won't have any flowers, not even a card.

And just because he's not here with me,
I still have a son I wish I could see.
But one thing I know and this is for sure,
I'll be his mother forevermore!

and this

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this
God I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say...

'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!"

Hpbp · 16/04/2012 16:14

Nature can be so cruel. Will pray that you get better soon.

FoofFighterYNWAJFT96 · 16/04/2012 16:25

Thinking of you all today xxx

DarkDarkWood · 16/04/2012 16:30

Thinking of you. Wishing you strength and love. x

ShellyBobbs · 16/04/2012 18:01

Thinking of you today x

Clarabell78 · 17/04/2012 07:05

Our beautiful son Simon Ian Ardern was born at 11.30pm yesterday peacefully and already sleeping. Sleep well my precious angel x had a plenty of cuddles before they took him away. Cannot express my gratitude enough to the midwives and doctors here for making a horric situation bearable. Thanks to each and every one of you for your support. You have no idea how much you helped.

Firsttobed I hope you are bearing up today. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself. You are in my thoughts. Lots of love xxx

OP posts:
Methe · 17/04/2012 09:11

I am so sorry for you loss :( xx

DarkDarkWood · 17/04/2012 09:35

Clara, that's a handsome name. I hope you have as much love and support as can be. xxx

Codandchops · 17/04/2012 09:59

Oh Clara I am sat here in tears for you. What a beautiful name and I am so glad you had lots of cuddles with your lovely boy.
Much love to you and your partner.
God Bless you Simon, sleep well precious little angel and know how much you were loved.