"Too Beautiful for Earth" For Sylvie-Rose and all our Angel Children

[chipmonkey]

For my darling Sylvie-Rose, taken from us just seven weeks after you were born. Too beautiful for this earth but I so wish you could have stayed nonetheless.
And for all the Mums walking this tough path. Let us link arms along the way and not be defeated by the cruel blow life has dealt us.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter.

Thank you chip for starting this new thread, and thank you to everlong for the last one.

Remembering Tamsin Rainbow, lost four months ago, and unlike her DB's and DSis Will forever literally be my baby girl, and a true angel xx

Thanks chip for this thread and thanks everlong for the last one. I will never forget the love and support I have had from you all.

Remembering our beloved Richard taken from us so suddenly nearly two years ago, loved and missed so much every minute of every day xxx

For Mia, my beautiful red-headed 13 month-old daughter. We had so many dreams for you, darling girl, and now we can only find you in our dreams. We love you so.

And remembering all the other parents here with their beloved children, a love that hurts in equal measure. Thank you for your strength, humour, and understanding.

jayden,our precious little man., sleep peacefully ,love you forever,never,ever forgottenxx

Thank you for the new thread Chip xx

Remembering Erin, missing you unbearably at the moment my darling girl. Keep smiling down on us, I hope your big sisters floaty kisses always reach you xxxx

thanks chip... what a beautiful title.. thinking of my first little boy born asleep almost 8 years ago.. 8 ... that cant be right and yet it is ..

Emma I feel exactly the same way around Frasers b/day .. its like I am right back in that damn room with the monitor on and everyone is refusing to tell me anything and the tears are tripping down my cheeks
As the years go on .. as you say.. you only feel this way for a short time and then you can pick yourself up again. I think because the grief only hits us once in a while it feels worse because we have crashed down from normal happy self.. does that make sense

hang in there.. this too shall pass

I have posted this a couple of times but I think this is appropriate for tomorrow

I've loved my child right from the start,
A feeling that's filled my entire heart.
I went through the labor and suffered the pain,
For many long hours with nothing to gain.

I've spent sleepless nights being awake,
Though it's been a while my arms they still ache.
I've sat and I've wondered of how he would grow,
The love of my family that he'd come to know.

The sound of his voice as he learns to talk,
Watching his steps as he tries to walk.
I have a child that I really love so,
I am his mother yet nobody knows.

I've spent all these months feeling him grow,
I've lived through it all and have nothing to show.
I don't get invited to chat with young mothers,
Because I don't have a baby like all of the others.

I've got some stretch marks that I'd like to hide,
but I don't have a pram with a baby inside.
The people I've known for so many years,
Avoid me now, which adds to my tears.

I don't know how long I'll be feeling like this,
But one thing I know, my baby I miss.
When Mother's day comes it will be very hard,
I won't have any flowers, not even a card.

And just because he's not here with me,
I still have a son I wish I could see.
But one thing I know and this is for sure,
I'll be his mother forevermore!

Morning girls

FM That poem is beautiful, I'm sat here with tears streaming down my face. Thanks for sharing it again; I've not seen it before.

I don't know quite what to make about tomorrow. I have a DS & DD1, but this time last year, I knew I'd have three children. DS doesn't live at home, so having Tamsin was so exciting, I was going to be a mummy to two little ones, very much like my own family dynamics.

So I can openly celebrate tomorrow, with my two surviving children, yet I just don't feel like it, as the only thing that would truly make me happy, would be to hold Tamsin again, if only for a second... I feel so damned guilty towards my other poor children.

Has anyone heard from lumps? She wasn't on yesterday, and sounded so down (understandably) on Thursday, just hope she's OK, and know we're there for her, and are thinking of her xx

Just had some bad news from the hospital (well they think it's good news).

My second lupus anticoagulant test, taken two weeks ago, has come back negative.

This has really brought my mood crashing down.

When Tamsin died, I tested positive for lupus anticoagulant. The consultant was confident that this was the cause of her death, brushing aside the views of the surgeon, that it may have been the true knot in her cord, that was also nuchal. Her opinion was that lots of babies are born with true knots & nuchal cords, so cord accidents are rarely a cause of death.

The positive lupus anticoagulant, was thought to be the cause, which tallied with the fact that she was low birthweight (5lb 5oz, at just under 37 weeks).

So now I don't know what this all means. I'd hoped the repeat would be positive too, that I would have a conclusion, now I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, and feel so much guilt.

Why can't they bloody explain more? Did the fact that I did test postive at the time, mean anything?

I was told to take low dose aspirin if I got pregnant again (yeah that's likely to happen ha!) and heparin, but now it's negative.

I feel so bloody down now

chip I forgot - Happy St Patrick's Day! xx

I'm back on facebook. Funny I feel really nervous about it. I just put up some photos, of DD1 in the foreground, and the baby section behind. The hedge behind the graves, is the boy's Grammar School, where my son attended, so in a way Tamsin is near to where her brother was. The girl's High School, is opposite the Grammar, and The Grange Secondary is opposite this entrance to the cemetery (the main entrance is on another road). I went to The Grange (not as clever as my son), so she's near to where I spent a lot of time too.

Chip I think you said you were working today, hope it's nice and quiet, but suitably green and festive. Here's a for you.

fm lovely poem, it hurts but it's true.

tami I have replied on your other thread. But I will say it here too - truly not your fault, and if you speak with your consultant, I am sure that they will say the same thing and give you a little peace of mind.

lumps we are here. Hoping this weekend passes softly for you.

shabba can you remind us again of that gorgeous phrase about shaking the day by the balls? Might need it tomorrow on top of my pin-on smile...

'We dont wiv vewy wong do we Mam?' 'No I suppose we dont love.'

Thats why we have to gwab evwy day by the balls and shake 'em!!'

..............or even shake it

Shabs do you have any brain bleach to go with those pin on smiles? Had a hideously vivid dream last night that I'd had a little boy and he was gorgeous and healthy and we were so happy then a nurse wheeled in another baby in one of the plastic hospital cots and said 'sorry we made a mistake, that's not your baby this is. You'd better hold him quick because he's not going to live much longer' Haven't managed to shake it all day.

I used to dream vividly - a man used to knock at my mums front door and ask where the children were. I used to show him that they were over the road from my mums looking at the horses in the field. He then used to change into either a vampire or a monster and go and get them...I could never ever get to them before he did.....that went on for a long, long time.

Thank you tami and fm for your replies. Sorry, I probably should have posted on this new thread rather than the other one. You're right, I just really feel the loss at this time of year, he should be another year older, I'm watching my other children grow up and it hurts to know that I will never know what he'd look like/be doing etc. fm that poem is lovely, it's one I've not seen before. I hope you ladies don't mind me posting another, I know it will have been posted before but it seems quite fitting for tomorrow also.

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this
God I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say...

'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!"

Will be thinking of you all tomorrow, hope it's not too hard on you.

16 weeks now Everlong I've always had my most vivid dreams when pg. I was just sobbing and saying it wasn't fair I'd already lost Erin and that we wouldn't survive if we lost him too. I just can't believe we are going to get a happy ending this time.

Thanks for the brain bleach Shabs

Lovely poem Emma sorry you're struggling atm as well x

Tami I'm sorry the hospital results were so upsetting and confusing. I know how important it is to feel you have the reason. Are they doing any further investigations? Saw your pics on fb dd1 is looking gorgeous Hope she can bring you some comfort tomorrow xx

Hope the St Patricks Day celebrations were good today

FM special thoughts for you tomorrow - hope you can get through it okay. I'm sure the first without your mum will be ever so hard. We're here if you need us xxx

Waves to all and love for tomorrow xxxx

@ Chip re St Patricks Day

St Patrick's Day greetings to Chipmonkey - and my best wishes to you all this weekend.