Support thread for women who are pregnant or TTC after a termination for abnormalities 4

[NatzCNL]

Welcome to the newest thread of support for those ladies who are pregnant or trying to concieve after terminating for abnormalities. Since this thread first began there have been stories of heart break, sadness and fear, but from these stories there have also been stories of happiness, success and most importantly, hope. Here they are, our thread babies, and may the list continue to grow:

Mishtabel - Bella 22/01/10
Linspins ? Franklin 22/01/10
Shangrila ? baby boy 01/02/10
Can'tdothisagain ? Babycan't 12/04/10
Katerina100 ? baby boy 06/10
NumptyMum - Josie 28/06/10
Allstarsprincess ? Frank 30/07/10
Katiecubs - Felix 13/08/10
GinaFB ? Alexander 03/01/11
LittlePoot - Jacob 02/02/11
Coffeeandchocolate ? Coffeebean 22/02/11
Rushingrachel ? Oliver 02/03/11
Crazycatlady - Lawrence 08/03/11
Dramamama - Isabella 13/03/11
VivClicquot - Phoebe 28/04/11
Lisbeth Salander - baby boy 7/11
Stormbird ? George 24/07/11
Sarahmia ? baby girl 25/07/11
Eavers ? Jacob 11/08/11
Grandj ? Eliot 01/09/11
Babylily ? Miles 05/09/11
NatzCNL - Sienna 26/09/11
Manitz - Sacha 28/09/11
Cherrybug ? Kade 02/11/11
Ghislaine - Charles 14/01/12
Mrsbigz - Callum 19/01/12
MyangelAva - Isabella 21/1/12
Bezzyk - Minibez II 2/2/12

[StormBird]

Mishtabel so sorry you are havnig a tough time. Hello to you and I hope that things 'come out in the wash' as they say!!

thanks for the post Katerina and it does hold a glimmer of hope.

I'm having a very difficult time at the moment waiting for this Scan. I can't relax. I scrawl through all the posts in this topic upsetting myself that these horrible things happen to us ladies at what is meant to be a very happy time in our lives. I am petrified of what might be, more so than I was when I found out I was pregnant with George...............I think I'm going to be a nervous wreck on the 29th................

I joined a 'Due in January 2013' thread when I first found out and most of the ladies are so up beat and looking forward to their scans etc. it makes me feel incredibly guilty.

I just feel like crying at the moment, I want this 12 week scan over and done with!

[Havingkittens]

Ahh, how sweet of you to check up on my Poot! It must be hilarious in your house with all those animal noises.

Mishtabel, I'm so sorry to hear of all your trials with your DD. Is it the same DD who was being bullied? Could it be that she's got in with an older crowd who seemingly accept her for who she is, even if they lead her astray? I hope you can work things out with her and this is just one of those teen things of asserting her own independence for the first time. Really upsetting for you and so difficult to know what to do. Little Bella looks gorgeous. I can't believe how big she is already. Actually, I guess all the thread babies that were born when I was frequenting this thread are no longer babies anymore. Time flies!

I'm sorry to admit that although I am so thrilled to hear how well everyone's doing with their little ones it also does highlight where I should've been now and how little progress I've made. That's why I'm only an occasional visitor, even though I think of you all often. I feel like I've gone on a bit of a downward spiral from being in a position of terminating two pregnancies but still thinking there was every chance of the next one working out, to then dealing with recurrent miscarriages but thinking 'at least I can get pregnant quickly and easily' to now having fertility problems. It's a bit like trying to climb a very muddy, slippery hill and I keep falling face down in the mud! Even if I do get pregnant, whether it be naturally but with drugs or by IVF I still have a pretty high chance of miscarrying and if I actually manage to make it to 12 weeks, well, we all know too well the worry that comes next.....

Sorry, bit blue at the moment! I'm struggling with a lot of stuff. Losing my mum is really hitting me hard at the moment too.

[scampidoodle]

Hello. I wondered if I could join your thread.... you seem to be great at supporting each other! I could probably do with a bit of support and a bit of advice - I'm nearly 8 wks pregnant after having a termination in Jan as our baby had Edwards syndrome. I also had a miscarriage just over a year ago.
We do have a lovely little boy though, so I know there's hope!
I wanted to ask about early scans - what do they show and are they only done so that you can get a CVS arranged asap? In Jan the hospital screening midwife said that when I got pregnant again I could contact her directly and get an early scan at 8-9 weeks, but I'm not sure whether to do it or not as we don't want to have an invasive test unless there's some indication of abnormalities. Also, they had problems carrying out the CVS last time and in the end we had to wait for an amnio (which they also had problems with - didn't actually get it done till 17 wks).
I'm really worried about going for a scan and it kicking off all the worry and upset we had to go through last time, as I'm quite enjoying just being quietly pregnant at the moment!
Any info/advice gratefully received... Thanks

[manitz]

kitten completely understand why you are blue and why you dont visit here much anymore. but it is really nice to hear from you. I really hope you get what you want and tht things are on the up soon.
Mishtabel, i hope its a phase!
littlepoot, my brother was apparently the same, animal noises and he could find a biscuit tin after the first visit in a new house.
scampidoodle, i dont know much about early scans and havent had any earlier than 12 week nuchal myself. however i did opt for a detailed scan by a consultant at 16 weeks or so instead of cvs having had two terminations - one for a heart defect and one because of T21. Really glad to hear you are enjoying your pregnancy so far. Of course there will be worry but it's also possible to enjoy it in a quieter way than perhaps you would do if you had not experienced this - well that's what i found. welcome to the thread.

[mrsbigz]

Scampidoodle, congratulations on your pregnancy!! Just to answer your question I did have an early scan at around 8 wks of my last pregnancy, but it was really just a viability scan (having had mc's in the past as well as a termination) - so all they really looked for was that the baby was in the right place and had a strong heartbeat. I'm not sure they can detect anything more detailed than that early on. Like you we wanted to avoid invasive testing so we had a private nuchal done as the nhs one wasn't all that thorough (our termination had been for t21 and heart probs) and from the results we didn't go for an amino but instead had regular scans throughout the pregnancy. My little boy was born in jan - 9 wks early albeit, but he's doing just fine :-))

[blacktreaclecat]

Not sure if anyone remembers me, we lost an angel to t21 in March 2011.
Popping on with an update- our array cgh ICSI miracle baby arrived on 11/6/12 weighing 6lb15. Nicholas James. He is perfect and has made the pain fade away after our losses and a very scary pregnancy due to placenta praevia.

[manitz]

i remember you. congratulations. you sound great, hope you resting up. x

[scampidoodle]

mrsbigz - thank you for the info. I think I'll just wait for the 12 week scan and hope for the best. Congratulations re your son! Good to know things can eventually go well.

[StormBird]

Congratulations blacktreaclecat

Hello to scampidoodle and welcome looks like we have similar fears for our new pregnancies. I hope your 12 week scan goes well.

My scan is on Friday......fingers crossed xx

Will post again soon

[mrsbigz]

congratulations blacktreaclecat - i remember you very well as our losses were very close to one another. so happy that nicholas has arrived healthy (also had placenta praevia so can understand that concern!!!) enjoy your time with your new miracle xxxxxxxxxxxx

[Katiecubs]

Congratulations Blacktreacle lovely news!

Welcome Scampi and congratulations too! For my last pregnancy (the one after my termination) i was offered a CVS as standard if i wanted but choose to wait for the NT results - it turned out they were so low i didn't want to take the risk. This time round i will do the same.

Stormbird hope you are holding up ok. will be keeping everything crossed for you tomorrow please let us know how it goes - sure you will be just fine x

All ok here - abot 6.5 weeks now and feeling increasingly horrible. Retching started today too. Telling myself i'm very lucky and it's a good sign but am starting to feel very sorry for myself :( I keep thinking if it all goes wrong i will be going through all this for nothing and it will only get worse! Argh need to snap out of it! We are off on holiday on Saturday so that will be a good distraction i think.

Love to all xxx

[manitz]

ugh what horrible weather for you. I remember the heat and the smell of bins. bleurgh. have a nice holiday. x

[scampidoodle]

Stormbird - good luck for tomorrow - hope all goes well for you.
Katiecubs I can sympathise as I seem to have all day nausea and I feel exactly the same way, about it possibly all being for nothing. I'm sure it's not been this bad before but it's supposed to be a good sign, isn't it?...

[StormBird]

Not good news ladies. We have annencephaly again, can't quite believe it!!

[StormBird]

So I'm home after seeing the consultant. Well the long and short of it is I wasn't taking folic acid until I found out I was PG and we didn;t find out until we were nearly 6 weeks so this is a likely reason as to why we are now in the same position as we were in 2010.

They have advised that as I'm 12+5 aMedical Termination is the only option and I am petrified as last time I was put under and had a surgical termination. Has anyone ever had a medical termination and can put me at ease. It's obviously not pleasant so please don't sugar coat it.............

[LittlePoot]

Oh my God stormbird-I'm so sorry for your news. I know that anancephaly is one of those which is known can recur, but I had such a good feeling for you. I'm so sorry.

I had a medical termination for mine at 13 weeks and it wasn't a lot of fun for sure. Honestly, my advice would be to get straight into the pain relief rather than waiting to see if you need it. By the time it starts to hurt, it can then take a little while for the pain relief to kick in. You are allowed morphine, which helps to dull all the senses, and I was also told an epidural would be available, although I didn't go for that as I didn't want to have to stay overnight. I can't dress it up, it will be a truly shit day, but apparently safer for you and your future reproductive potential than surgery, although the exact cut off seems to vary between hospitals. The worst bit was probably having to take the pills a couple of days earlier then go home and wait. At least when you're in the delivery unit you know it'll be over soon. From induction, I think it took 6 hours for me. I didn't want to see the baby, although you can, and can spend a much time with them as you want. I just wanted it over and to go home to rebuild. That was really the worst part, although you know that already.

Sweetie, I'm so sorry and I wish there was more I could do to ease things for you. You know we're here for you. Xxx

[scampidoodle]

Stormbird - you must be devastated. I'm so sorry for you.
Re-medical termination, I had one last time at 18.5 weeks and although it was very unpleasant, I found the hospital staff incredibly helpful and compassionate. I hope yours will be too. They had a special room they used for such things and it wasn't too much like being in hospital - I wasn't near any other pregnant women and didn't have to go into the main maternity/labour ward. I had about 3-4 hours of bad pains but when it actually happened it wasn't as bad as I'd feared. I didn't take any pain relief because they offered pethidine and I know that makes me go funny. I could just about cope without it (and I'm really not good with pain) but definitely if you know you're ok with whatever they offer you, then take it - you should make it as easy as possible on yourself.

[StormBird]

Thank you ladies, I have to be honest and say the thought of actually having to give birth (and I cannot put this any better so I am sorry if I offend anyone) actually turned my stomach when the consultant told me this was my only option. After reading your posts I am beginning to feel a little more comfortable with the idea of the Medical Termination. I feel pretty numb at the moment. DS is definately getting us both through it though, he is such a little treasure.

Littlepoot on the grounds that this will be the best option for me physically in terms of getting pregnant again I feel it is the right thing to do (well as far as terminations go that is)......

I'm a little worried now about becoming obsessed with getting pregnant again.....one of the first thoughts that crossed my mind was, where is my CBFM and I wonder if the battery works . Is that weird??

I can't believe we're going through this again...................!

[LittlePoot]

I know exactly what you mean. I couldn't imagine how I was going to get through actually giving birth. But you kind of get through the day on adrenaline (and in my case, morphine on tap) and like scampi, the staff were amazing. Really supportive and totally got it. I told them at the start how I felt about the whole thing and how I couldn't think of this as giving birth to my baby, it was just a procedure to get through. So that's how they played it and they really were amazing. The numb part you know-sadly-but I'm so glad you at least have ds to help get you through. They recommended I wait three months after before getting pregnant again but there's no hard evidence to say that's necessary. Definitely best to wait until you've had one normal cycle, but then just see how you feel. xxx

[manitz]

Scampidoodle. I'm so sorry. I have had two medical terminations. the first was for HRHS at 26 weeks. Then 3 years and 2 pregnancies later I had one for T21 at 14 weeks.

I feel that medical was most definitely a better option as i was able to grieve during teh event rather than doing so later. I didn't feel so at the time but I now think it was hte better option. I have always held each baby and taken photos.

take care x

[LittlePoot]

Hey stormbird, how are you getting on? Hope the weekend is passing smoothly for you. I'll keep checking in in case you need a chat. xx

[manitz]

stormbird, obviously my message was meant for you. really sorry. hope you are coping ok. x

[StormBird]

Hi Ladies,

My weekend is dragging littlepoot , I feel like its prolonging the pain in a way. Luckily though we have DP's mum running round after us and we were out all day yesterday and today we have shopping to do for DS's 1st birthday so hopefully our minds will be occupied today.

DP's mum has also insisted on having George this evening so we can prepare ourselves for the phonecall tomorrow to go in for the first lot of drugs and we don't have to rush around getting him ready as he will already be with her. Makes perfect sense I know, but I cannot help feeling like I just want him close all the time!! DP is planning on pampering me apparently!!

My mum is on standby to jump on the train and come to help us get through it aswell but I haven't made a decision as to whether I want/need her here yet. Does that sound terrible?? DP thinks we should ask her to come, he thinks I'm going to need my mum more than I think.....says I put up this strong front, like I don't need anybody and could get through anything on my own, when really I could do with relying on people sometimes - his truthful opinion and he's probably right!! So I'm considering asking her to come tomorrow, although I feel terrible cos my dad had a massive op 3 weeks ago and is still in pain but apparently he's not too bad and has my brother and sister to help him and my mum hates the tube and I worry about her getting down here on her own even thgouh she is more than capable - she's only 53 so not a doddery old woman!!!

I think we have agreed that we would like to not see this as giving birth but the means to an end (sounds terrible but DP and I could not cope well emotionally otherwise). We have decided to not see/hold the baby also (somehow I feel utterly terrible about this).

Will I have to push like when I had George??? (probably the stupididt question I have ever asked)

What will they do with the baby afterwards???

A few days after we termianted last time we went to Epsom Downs at dusk with 2 cans of Carling (classy) and let a huge chinese lantern go with a verse written on it as a way of bringing what we had been through to a close and saying goodbye. We will hopefully do something similar this time round too but would love to know if anyone did anything along those lines...if you don't mind sharing?

scampidoodle , manitz & littlepoot thank you so much for your posts, they have really helped.

I'm holding on to the hope now that we have a bright, loving, hilariously wonderul and handsome little boy asleep in his cot and we created him and we can and will give him a brother/sister one day.

XX

[scampidoodle]

Stormbird I don't think your questions are stupid - I'm not sure about pushing but I'd think only a bit if at all... (mine was a bit later on but the baby was at least 2 weeks behind in size and I didn't have to do much).
I think that from 12/13 weeks the hospital have to arrange a cremation. We were given the chance to attend the short service. Someone at the hospital should talk through all of this with you as I think they all do things slightly differently. We found attending the little funeral really helpful (although definitely one of the worst days of our lives) - somehow it meant we could start to try and move on. We were able to choose some music to be played at the end, although I can't ever hear that piece now without thinking of that day.
I really understand what you say about your son getting you through this - I remember thinking that I didn't know what I'd do if we didn't have our son - I don't think I could have coped. Your DP sounds lovely and I'm so glad he's looking after you and you have support. I had to get my mum to come as my DH had to go back to work the next day but she could only stay a couple of days. I thought that would be awful and I'd fall apart on my own, but I think DH and I needed time on our own to deal with it all so it was for the best in the end.
I'll be thinking of you. x

[manitz]

hi stormbird.

Here are some more details. I hope it is not too much information for you but this is what I experienced:

You have given birth before so I dont think you will have to push. I have had a small prolapse so am very careful about these things. Because you don't have to worry about air etc, you can just let the baby come out naturally by relaxing. I had had two previous sections so was also concerned about my scar rupturing (this was with my 14 week fetus) so i was in hospital the whole time from the drugs. It took two hours from pessaries - you only have to get to 2 cm. The baby was small enough to fit in my hand. I think he came out in his sack as i asked the nurse if i should look and she arranged him for me before i looked. As i said, it helped me, particularly as it looked like a fetus not a baby - compared to my previous termination at 26 weeks.

My friend had a termination and didn't want to see the baby so they took a photo for her and put it in an envelope in case she changed her mind later.

After my 26 week baby was born the hospital arranged a cremation. For my 14 week baby it was a communal cremation with a service which we attended. You can ask for the ashes, the first baby we had the ashes scattered by the hospital bench in the crematorium gardens. For this one we did not feel it was as important as the gestation was so much less and it was more our hopes that we were mourning. It is different for everyone.

when these events have happened to me I do not want anyone around me except my children and my husband. It was nice that my parents helped me on a practical level but i wanted to shut down so I would not have wanted them to stay. Everyone is different though. EAch time the only positive thing I could take from it was that what i have is amazing and should not be taken from granted. I did not push myself and just lay down in the grass with the kids or sat and played with them instead of cleaning the floor.

I hope that makes some sense and that you are able to find something to help you get through the next few days. I hope ds 1st birthday is a good distraction, he is so little and at such a nice age. xx