For considering terminating a a very early pregnancy with 3rd DC

[basilbrush]

I really would appreciate any advice you can offer as I am utterly torn about what to do.

I found out on Fri that I am pregnant, very early, 4 weeks. We have been using condoms so were very unlucky.

We have two wonderful DC, a girl and a boy, aged 3.5 and 6. I had two m/c in between them so am very aware that two lines on a stick don't automatically mean a baby in 9 months. But obviously still this is very big news.

My youngest will start school in September and I have been offered a wonderful opportunity starting at the same time - a 3 year PhD scholarship with no fees and a full bursary. As you can imagine, I was so proud to be offered it. However, if I went ahead with having the baby, I would have to turn it down. I have scoured over the contract and whilst I could postpone the start date by 1 year (no maternity allowance or anything), the scholarship cannot be done part time, only full time.

I don't want to get into a long argument with anyone about working full time with very young children. I know that plenty of mums do it, some through choice, some through necessity. But it's not something I would want to do unless I absolutely have to. And besides, my bursary would not cover a full time nursery place and money is very tight at the moment anyway. Even things like paying for school dinners for 3 would hurt.

I went to the GP the day I found out and said I wanted an early termination, where you take a pill and it induces a miscarriage. He said the hospital would contact me in about 2 weeks. I know they have this system to ensure you have really thought your decision through and as the hormones rack up each day, I am getting more confused and less sure about the best thing to do for me and my family.

I know whichever decision I make, I will always think "What if?" DH wants to wait and see if the pregnancy makes it, however he has always secretly wanted 3 DC! I get the feeling he thinks I am a bit shallow and selfish for prioritising a career opportunity over a potential human life. Which I suppose I am :-( However, I am genuinely also thinking about my other 2DC and the time, opportunities and yes, money, we would be able to offer them if we didn't extend our family.

Wow...that's a determined little thing you've got there, isn't it?!

How are you feeling today OP?

Weepy. And distracted. Put on husband's jumper and didn't even realise it wasn't mine...

Have appointment with Student Advice Centre in half an hour to make sure I get all the facts about the conditions of my scholarship etc

Good luck! I'm pulling for you. I don't know what help I could possibly be here in Minnesota, but if you think of anything, let me know! :)

Hey Basil, anything helpful from Student Advice Centre? And did you remember to change out of husband's jumper? xx

Firstly, I wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through this painful dilemma. Secondly, I wanted to say how disgusting it is that some posters want to hijack this and turn it into a political debate.

My story.....I have 3 DC. The 3rd was unplanned ( 2 yrs ago) and I went as far as take the first half of the abortion pill and changed my mind as as soon as I took it, I felt it was the wrong thing for me. I had absolutely no regrets about my 3rd child.

2 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant with DC4. It was a total and utter shock - as it was down to failed (good) contraception. I was in a state of confusion and my DH was very clear he didn't wish to proceed. Earlier this week, I had a surgical termination at 7 weeks.

All I can say is that it was the right decision for me and my family but it doesn't stop the incredible sense of invisible bereavement. I can function normally and then I can be overwhelmed by unbelievable sadness and it is especially gripping at night. You go through all the range of emotions you would with any bereavement but without the support of people around you who don't know what's going on.

I've been at both ends of it and what I know is that regardless of your decision, you will make it the right decision for you to preserve your sanity. But I think it helps to dig deep and be truly honest with yourself about what YOU want and no-one else because you are the one that has to live with this decision for the rest of your life.

I hope you find some peace at this difficult time x

Yesterday I decided to keep the pregnancy and give it a chance. It is not the best timing but life is rarely simple. I have a loving husband who is a great, hands-on Dad and my DC have been asking for a new sibling for over a year! Our house is big enough, thank goodness. Dropping to bits in a ramshackle hippy way but there is enough space. We will have to start saving for a new car asap though! (Let's not discuss my varicose veins and how awful they're going to get this time...)

I am also determined to do the PhD. It will take a year longer than I thought and will be even more stressful than I thought but I know I can do it if I am focused and organised and have DH's help with the extra day.

I do feel very relieved to have made a decision. However, this morning I do not feel sick at all and am convinced that now I am going to m/c. I have turned back into the loony Knicker Checker I was in 2007....

Ironically, I have decided that I really want any early scan at 8/ 9 weeks after Chrsitmas now. I have to go abroad at the end of January (in the would be 12th week!) for a research meeting that my future supervisor has set up for me. It's a very important that I go in terms of skills training and the flights etc have all been booked.

However, my last m/c happened at 11 weeks on a fecking Easyjet flight. Possibly the worst day of my life. Been escorted off a plane, sobbing, onto an ambulance in front of 300 people while several pints of blood drip through your jeans....

I am so stressed about getting a plane in January! But I can't tell my future supervisor to cancel the whole thing, he will think I am mental

(Sorry I do believe I have solved one dilemma and created a brand new one for you to comment on! )

I would have said what a relief to have made a decision....!

I think it's a good idea to have an early scan. Your last m/c sounds horrific, you poor thing :( This is a bit of a long shot but is 'abroad' somewhere like France where you have other options i.e. Eurostar? Is web-conferencing an option? If not and you really have to go, it might be worth asking your MW what support ehere is available - having an appointment with a consultant to go through what happened last time, counselling, whatever you think would get you through it. It might be worth doing that anyway TBH.

Best of luck Basil. I think you've been wonderful and brave going through this. Now feeling faintly broody...

Basil - I'm so sorry about your previous miscarriage, it sounds an horrendous thing to have gone through.

I hope others who have gone through similar will be able to advise you on what, if anything, you can do re the early scan and travel issues.

I so hope it works out well for you and pleased that you have made a decision you are happy with. All the best x

I would definitely recommend an early scan, that would put your mind at rest about having to travel. Your previous mc sounds like a horrendous experience so I can understand why you would be wanting to avoid travel. I have had early scans ranging from £50 to £100. Babybond are at the top end of that price range, but they are very good and they have clinics in most large towns. You could also google private early pregnancy scan plus your town and see if anything else comes up.
If you have a scan at 8-9 weeks and everything is fine, you are highly unlikely to miscarry.

Basil Your previous miscarriage sounds horrendous. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'm pleased for you that you have made a decision that you feel happy with (although probably apprehensive!). I hope everything works out in the way you wish.

justinshouse It really never was my intention to turn anything into a political debate. Not at all. As I said earlier I am not particularly pro in any direction. If you read back on my comments I was just trying to say that the DHs feelings on it should be greatly considered and that he might never accept his wifes decision if he didn't agree with it (not a pleasant idea but true). Some people felt that I shouldn't have mentioned that but this is the whole families future we were talking about, so to ignore it would have been foolish. I never wanted to get into a debate and repeatedly asked winnybella to stop saying it wasn't a baby as I find that offensive but she continued netherthless. Sorry that you, others and OP had to witness it though!

winnybella I do wonder though if it's not a baby why when someone has a miscarriage and they say "I lost the baby" do others not respond with "it's not a baby it's an embryo!". Or if they announce they are having a baby do people not saying "no it's not a baby at the moment it's just an embryo". If it's not a baby then technically the person having the baby has no right to be upset if they miscarry. The term "embryo" seems to be one commonly used as a term of convenience to convince ourselves that it's not too bad and traumatic to lose. Yet this term is never used when describing something (a baby) we want to keep.

I think the mws would be sympathetic to an early scan, given your history.

Good luck with it all, and be very gentle on yourself.

Gluesticks - this thread is not about you.

JeremyVile Where exactly did I say it was?

Basil I'm glad that you've come to a decision. :) Your previous mc sounds horrendous and I'm so sorry you had to go through it. Best of luck this time!