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Original poster

For considering terminating a a very early pregnancy with 3rd DC

115 replies

basilbrush · 05/12/2011 11:26

I really would appreciate any advice you can offer as I am utterly torn about what to do.

I found out on Fri that I am pregnant, very early, 4 weeks. We have been using condoms so were very unlucky.

We have two wonderful DC, a girl and a boy, aged 3.5 and 6. I had two m/c in between them so am very aware that two lines on a stick don't automatically mean a baby in 9 months. But obviously still this is very big news.

My youngest will start school in September and I have been offered a wonderful opportunity starting at the same time - a 3 year PhD scholarship with no fees and a full bursary. As you can imagine, I was so proud to be offered it. However, if I went ahead with having the baby, I would have to turn it down. I have scoured over the contract and whilst I could postpone the start date by 1 year (no maternity allowance or anything), the scholarship cannot be done part time, only full time.

I don't want to get into a long argument with anyone about working full time with very young children. I know that plenty of mums do it, some through choice, some through necessity. But it's not something I would want to do unless I absolutely have to. And besides, my bursary would not cover a full time nursery place and money is very tight at the moment anyway. Even things like paying for school dinners for 3 would hurt.

I went to the GP the day I found out and said I wanted an early termination, where you take a pill and it induces a miscarriage. He said the hospital would contact me in about 2 weeks. I know they have this system to ensure you have really thought your decision through and as the hormones rack up each day, I am getting more confused and less sure about the best thing to do for me and my family.

I know whichever decision I make, I will always think "What if?" DH wants to wait and see if the pregnancy makes it, however he has always secretly wanted 3 DC! I get the feeling he thinks I am a bit shallow and selfish for prioritising a career opportunity over a potential human life. Which I suppose I am :-( However, I am genuinely also thinking about my other 2DC and the time, opportunities and yes, money, we would be able to offer them if we didn't extend our family.

OP posts:
GlueSticksEverywhere · 05/12/2011 14:41

SolidGoldVampireBat Sorry but while one can sympathise with the man's feelings, it's still the woman's decision. It's her body and her life. If you were a man, GlueSticks, would you really feel that you were entitled to pressure your DW into continuing a pregnancy she didn't want, just to spare your feelings?

My feelings? I would imagine that I wouldn't be thinking about "my feelings" but rather the life of the unborn child of myself and the woman I loved. It's nothing to do with pressure, but of not wanting someone to end my child's life.

You can sympathise can you? How big of you.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 05/12/2011 14:46

winnybella I am not sure that any man could deal with that well. Imagine if it were the other way around and it was the men who got to make this decision (assuming that carried the baby). Imagine that desicions being taken away from you . . . absolutely horrific!

The woman carries the baby but that doesn't make the baby any less her DHs. Yes it's not his body but it is still his child.

FootprintsOnTheMoon · 05/12/2011 14:51

Poor you. Depending on what your PhD is in, you might find that there is flexibility around your working patterns etc. It doesn't have to be a stark 'baby or phd' choice.

Original poster
basilbrush · 05/12/2011 14:52

Thank you so much for all these opinions - of course, there is no right or wrong answer but it does help me to see what other people think.

For the record, it's an Arts PhD (which makes funding even harder to come by!).

DH has been on the phone from work, very upset, saying he really doesn't want me to terminate.

Not an easy time!

OP posts:
winnybella · 05/12/2011 14:55

Yeah, well, that's the way it is. There is no alternative- man cannot possibly decide whether his partner should or shouldn't keep the pregnancy.

And as a matter of fact, I am 100% sure that should I decide to have a termination, DP would still be able to look me in the face Hmm and share a life with me, even if he wanted me to go on with the pregnancy. That's because he understands what pregnancy, birth and early years of childhood's demands on woman's body and mind are and therefore he wouldn't feel that he has any right to tell me what to do.

And again, it is not a baby at 2 weeks post conception.

winnybella · 05/12/2011 14:55

sorry, OP, my last post was to GlueSticks.

randommoment · 05/12/2011 15:09

Good luck with this difficult decision to both you and your DH. Hugs xx

GlueSticksEverywhere · 05/12/2011 15:11

winnybella And again, it is not a baby at 2 weeks post conception.

Well that's clearly your opinion, IT IS NOT MINE. Lets not bother arguing about it as we will never agree. How about though, you don't state YOUR opinion as fact. You believe yours to be and I believe mine to be.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 05/12/2011 15:14

basilbrush Perhaps it would be a good idea to think about it in terms of which decision you would regret most, rather then which thing you want to do most now. I really feel for you. I understand that need to get your life back (am there at the moment also) but I also really feel for your DH, he must feel so powerless.

PosiesOfPoinsettia · 05/12/2011 15:14

Only you can decide. Be kind to yourself.

KatAndKit · 05/12/2011 15:15

I don't think it is at all helpful to the OP to be arguing the ethics of pregnancy termination on here. The OP is clearly not ethically opposed to termination or else she would not have even been considering it.

OP, I'm sorry you and your DH are having a hard time coming to an agreement on the right thing to do. Perhaps it would be a good idea to attend something like a BPAS/Marie Stopes counselling session together so that you could work through the issue.

PosiesOfPoinsettia · 05/12/2011 15:16

It's not even a foetus yet, it's not visible to the naked eye. This is not a baby.

PosiesOfPoinsettia · 05/12/2011 15:17

Agree with kitkat. You and your dh must agree or this could wreck your marriage. Is he prepared to give up work and care for the baby?

winnybella · 05/12/2011 15:19

It is not my opinion. It is a fact, I am afraid. At 2 weeks past conception it's an embryo. Have a google.

VeronicaSpeedwell · 05/12/2011 15:21

My sympathies OP, and good luck with this incredibly personal choice. You must have done brilliantly well to get that funding. Congratulations on that achievement, whatever happens.

KatAndKit · 05/12/2011 15:21

No, we don't want to have a fucking google, thank you very much. Anyway at 2 weeks past conception the embryo is barely visible to the human eye and measures at most half a millimetre.

Science of embryology isn't really what is required here though is it? If you want to discuss ethics then start your own thread. I think your opinions/facts are very much misplaced on the Antenatal choices section of this forum, where people come for support, not to have an argument. This isn't AIBU even though it might have started there.

PosiesOfPoinsettia · 05/12/2011 15:23

Again agree with kitandkat

winnybella · 05/12/2011 15:26

KitAndKat Sorry, but I was just responding to GlueSticks and not telling you to go and google Confused

If anyone's opinions are displaced it's those of the posters who seek to undermine OP by telling her that she shouldn't terminate if her DH is opposed to it.

It should be her decision, is my opinion, that is all.

winnybella · 05/12/2011 15:27

And Posies said the same thing as me Confused

winnybella · 05/12/2011 15:28

And you said the same thing as me as well

KatAndKit · 05/12/2011 15:29

winnybella I do apologise I have got your posts and Glue's mixed up and can see now that you were not the one telling the OP her husband would probably not be able to look her in the eyes etc etc. My mistake - sorry :)

winnybella · 05/12/2011 15:31
Smile
Mum1369 · 05/12/2011 15:35

OP, really feel for you, terrible position to be in really. I would find it hard to terminate if my husband wanted to keep it. Just piles more pressure on you really, but ob he can't help the way he feels. At least you are both able to be open and honest with each other and talk. Whatever the outcome, that's a good foundation for moving forward.

CheerfulYank · 05/12/2011 15:45

Oh OP. What a position to be in.

It's impossible to get advice on something so deeply personal, isn't it? Some would terminate without a second thought and some never could. It's got to come down to what you think you can handle and how that choice will affect your DC and DH.

Hugs and good luck.

Snuppeline · 05/12/2011 15:58

Firstly, you must do what's right for you and your family. However, may I just say like some of the others have said that it is not impossible to do a PhD with a baby.

I found out I was pregnant with my dd when I had just started a new job and a PhD which the job was funding (it was just before the recession so company happy to fork out for the degree). I lost the job due to recession (though I think as much because I had the baby really - but that's a different story). I left that employer to work as a fulltime research assistant at a university and through that job began a new PhD which I am now completing as a fulltime student.

I also had a colleague who became pregnant whilst being an RA in the same department and who was offered a fulltime PhD scholarship at the same time
as finding out about the pregnancy. As is the case for you she could not defer without loosing the scholarship so she agreed with her supervisor that she would work from home in the beginning and that she would read/research for her literature review while at home. This appear to have worked because while she is 6 months or so "behind" she completed her first year milestones without problems. Now in her first year no-one can tell that she was absent during most of the first year. Her baby was her third too by the way whilst I only have one.

Both our children are in the uni nursery and there there is financial support available to student parents so that some pay only 20% of the nursery fees. For both of us our research has been a challenge and a balancing act but so is any job and I have found this role the most flexible compared to my first job (who denied me flexible working). We also both know that if we exeed the three years we are going to have to complete without funding, but frankly two in three of the students here go beyond their three years funding by at least six months. Should that happen to you there are hardship funds you can apply to within a university which may bridge the gap until you complete.

This decision is yours to make but any decision should be well informed (unless you feel very strongly in one way or the other in which case information doesn't matter) and so I'd recommend phoning your department and asking about mature/parent students. Maybe you can get the contact details of some of them. That way you can ask directly about the attitude of your prospective department to your situation.

Either way you go I wish your family and you all the best.