Feeling like I want to hurt my baby

[Magicmoo89]

I feel disgusting even writing the title.

bit of information, my partner works away during the week and is currently on exercise for two, it’s just me and the baby during the week and his sleep has been horrendous. He’s 6 months and waking like a new born again, I know they have sleep regressions etc but I’m really struggling. I wasn’t even sure wether to write this because I am so so ashamed of myself and it makes me want to cry.. the other night at 3am he was crying for a bottle and I was making it up and he just wouldn’t stop crying.. I walked over put the bib around him and pulled on it and said is this what you want, he cried even more I then pushed the bottle really hard into his mouth when I was ready to feed him . I’m so disgusted with myself and I’m not really sure if this is postpartum depression or just me being a god right awful
person. Has anyone experienced anything like this? Although I’m not expecting anyone to have done anything so awful. A few things have happened like this and I’m starting to scare myself

You need to get help.
you are not a terrible person. You are massively sleep deprived and it’s making you ill.
go to your gp tomorrow. Your partner needs to take a few weeks off.

Don’t wait. You need help urgently.
Reach out to your GP and be very honest with them.

Have you go anyone who can help you? Have the baby for a couple of hours so you can sleep or just rest? You’re not a terrible person, you are a horrifically sleep deprived mum trying to do it all and finding it impossible.

He’s in the military, he had months off for maternity leave he can’t have anymore time off. I feel like
im going insane. He won’t nap in the day unless he’s on me, the house is starting to pile up I can’t get anything done which I know is all normal
and part of it but I also struggle with ocd. I can just feel everything piling on top of me. I’m scared to tell any professionals this incase they get social
services involved

I do have family which have helped out here and there but even when they do I have to get the house in order so don’t actually get time to rest by the time he comes back. I know I need to put myself first and rest but due to my ocd I physically can’t

You need help. This is a really tough time. You’ve made a massive step forward by reaching out for help here. Well done.

You can contact Pandas now. You can call them or WhatsApp them until 10pm https://pandasfoundation.org.uk

Go to your gp. Tell your partner. Ask your mum, other family, a friend to stay with you until your dp can get back. You're not a bad person, you wouldn't have asked the question if you were. You do need help urgently for your child's sake. Well done for taking the first step.

You need help OP, is there anybody who can support you? Friends, family? A chat with GP/health visitor to get some formal support in place for you too.

Be honest with everybody about how you are feeling, there are people and services available to help but they cannot help if you are not honest. I know as a mum “I’m fine” almost runs out of your mouth before your brain even thinks about it when someone asks how you are but you NEED to overrule that and tell the truth, if not for your own sake then for your baby.

The fact that you are reaching out for help means that you are a loving mum. Well done for taking this first step. Please seek medical and family support xx.

I told my mum the other day I felt like I was going to end up hurting him and I just basically got a load of abuse. She said if I feel like that then I should ask someone to have him to which I replied I have told people im struggling and I’m ignored, she then replied that she had the baby the week before for five hours ( which I was grateful for) and wouldn’t call that ignoring me. I love him so much I don’t want to be like this with him

I feel your desperation. I really hope you can get help. PANDAS is a great start. You’re doing really well to ask for help that shows you really care.

Please come back here again to chat if you’re ever feeling stuck. I have a 10 month old and a 2 year old so I know how the feelings can build up.

Being ex military I know how tough it can be. DH is a submariner and spent a lot of time deployed and uncontactable when the kids were babies. And I know how hard it is to reach out and say you’re not coping. But please do. There will be a solution. And contact your GP and family too. It will get better, but right now you need help. Xx

There’s a difference between looking after a baby for 5 hours and the daily grind of getting them down for naps and going to sleep. Feeding and changing and getting them out and about. Hours of the day can be spent trying to get babies to cooperate to just get a minute to do something.
I found that my babies behaved better at baby classes and when out and about. Are there some local things you can go to break up the day?

Your GP will probably be a lot more help than your mum. Please contact them urgently. And speak to your husband. There may be people in camp who can help. You won’t be the only person who is finding life and babies so tough. Xx

Also, It will get better xx

He’s managed to cut the exercise by a day or two so should be home sooner than I thought. I’m
literally just counting down the days until he’s back

We do go out for a lot of walks etc and spend time at my siblings houses, which does break the day up. He’s always an angel
for everyone else and I am
starting to think he doesn’t like me because he just whinges and whines constantly when it’s just us and I feel like my family think i’m making it up

Are you in a private hiring or quarters? Is there someone nearby that you can phone to come and help now? Is your mum nearby? People do want to help and will judge much less harshly than you think.
you are NOT a horrible person or a bad mum.
if you need to then close the door and leave your baby to cry, it won’t hurt them and better than losing control.
If you really feel that you can’t handle things then you can always walk into your local A&E even at 2 in the morning.
Hugs.

So sorry to read this OP. You’re not a bad person. You’re exhausted.

other has suggested some advice. But also can you practice walking away, counting to 10 and taking a deep breath. I know it sounds simple and obvious but those few seconds may just be enough to stop you doing anything.

make sure baby is safe of course but taking a minute to scream into a pillow or similar could help.

try the 54321 technique to allow yourself to regulate - 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 - hear, 2 - smell, 1 - taste.

i know these aren’t solutions but a few tips to stop and think.

sending hugs 🤗

Headphones.
Wear headphones.
If the OCD is a catalyst for you, feed your baby nice and calmly, change nappy, put them in a cot with dummy if they have one.
Then headphones in and set a small task to tidy/clean an area. Even in 5 minute increments. Pop your head in on baby (keep your headphones in), put the dummy in or leave baby if they’re fine and carry on tidying/cleaning for 5 minutes. Set a timer to keep you from going off track.

You can tell yourself baby is fed, clean, safe. Say it on repeat.

I had to use headphones for my first to dull the screaming.
Sleep deprivation had me hallucinating.
Go to your GP, be brutally honest. They will help you. Say you’re not leaving without help if they try to brush you off.

I have a 6 month-old, she’s also back up throughout the night like a newborn.
If you want to chat, feel free to message me, I’ll be up in the night to chat too. x

Could your sibling take him out for the afternoon while you nap at his/her place? Then you might not feel the need to clean because it isn’t your house. You will feel so much better after a few hours sleep.

I have my own house hours away from my husbands camp, we are looking to move by the end of the year to be with him but for now he travels here at the weekends.

This is great advice.

Sending massive hugs. Please do ask for help, you are not a bad person & it won't always be like this.

What is a ray of light in a truly horrible situation is that you are able to stand back and reflect on your feelings. Hold on to that. As others have said, you are not a bad person, but someone who needs more support. I had a terrible time with my older child as a baby and even since then things has been really difficult due to SEND issues. I have hated myself at times for my feelings but I recognise that I am only human. I really hope you get some help and some sleep. The world will look very different before too long. Best of luck. 💐

Babies just feel safer to cry and be like that with mum. So many of them are like this and it’s so much harder for mums. He loves you and knows you love him.

It’s a really hard time. Sleep deprivation is a recognised form of torture! You will come through it though.