I hate being a mum

[BabyOnBoob]

Please don't flame me, I feel horrendous already.
I just can't do this. I really hate it. I've ruined my life, if I could turn back time I wouldn't have kids.
My DD is 8mo. Has reflux and cows milk protein allergy. Doesn't sleep or nap well. She's been up since 5.30 this morning and has only had about 30 mins sleep while on my boob.
I just can't stand the crying and screaming. She's bad today as shes teething and I've been crying as well as I'm so sick of it. Today nothing I do is good enough for her.
She cries when I change her clothes/nappy/do anything she doesn't want. It feels like a battle all the time and I feel like a terrible mum as I'm worn out.
Im on ad's and having counselling.
Will this ever get better?

I won't flame you at all. Sounds really tough and you need a break. It does get better. There are other threads on here where people have felt the same. I'll try and look for you.

That sounds incredibly hard. Have you seen a gp about pnd? Is there any one who can give you a break, or can you return to work?

In my experience yes it will get better. If the anti-depressents and counselling aren't helping please go back to your GP. Is today a particularly bad day or do you feel like this every day? Being a parent is hard sometimes and everyone has days when it feels impossible but you shouldn't hate it long term.

No flaming from me. You just described exactly what life was like with my DS.

It got better when he could walk, eat properly, then talk and now at 5 he is almost fully civilised. He was my second and my first was (and is) a dream, everything on schedule, placid, good sleeper etc. quite a shock to the system to have DS.

DS just hated being a baby. He likes to do everything himself....oh and the endless questions!

You are getting help which is brilliant. Not every mother and baby relationship is all earth mothery and sitting in fields of flowers with a giggling baby. It gets better, now the weather is improving you can get out more, even pushing a screaming baby in the sunshine is better than being trapped inside.

Thanks. Yes I've been taking citalopram for a few weeks now. It's a particularly bad day but I do regret having her a lot of the time. My life is just fucked. Getting her to sleep at night can take an hour + at times then she's up several times through the night bf. I can't refuse it because the feeding helps with the reflux. Got a reflux wedge for her as well.
Not really got any rl support. Today has just been very bad, her dad had to come home from work as we were both crying. So he's taken her for half an hour now.
Sorry my reply is so garbled I can't think properly. I probably do need to go back to the gp.
I know how we live isn't normal, it's a fucking nightmare.

No flaming here either just a big virtual hug from someone who has been there. Have you spoken to your HV about how you're feeling? I don't know where you are in the country but there are various services they may be able to offer you to get you through this. And you will get through it.

You're shattered and you're depressed
Can you try to catch up on some sleep just now whilst DH is out? Also, if you've not really got any rl support, could you consider putting your DD into childcare even for a morning so you can have a break?

It does get better but that's hard to believe when you're in the middle of it. Do go back to your GP and as a PP said ask what support services/groups are available in the area. Even speaking to other mums with similar problems helps.

Yes it does get better. I felt that way when both of mine were small, especially with DC1 as it was such a shock to the system, and now the oldest is 4 there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'd say from about 3, when they can talk well, feed themselves without making too much mess, dress themselves and go to the toilet is when it all starts to improve. You can take them out for the day and both of you have fun.

For now, are you SAH or on maternity leave? If maternity, could you go back to work a little earlier, and apply for part time hours? I went back at 8 months with DC2 as I knew 12 months was too long from DC1 experience. I work three days a week and sometimes I'm so ready to go into work for a break!

If SAH, could you afford to put her in a nursery / childminder a couple of mornings a week and have a break? That way on the bad days you'll know it's only a few days until you get some respite.

I think a lot of what you describe is normal for an 8month old - waking up in the night several times etc, though not the reflux and cows milk allergy. Which isn't to say it it's not exhausting.

I found life with a baby very unrewarding, and just daily grind every day really, but it DOES get better, and will do soon now. It's worth it when they turn 18 and take you out for lunch with their first pay cheque .

Do you have help? Are you a SAHM or do you work? Even if you don't work, it might help to put the baby in to childcare for half a day or something so you can go and do something for yourself, on your own.

If you can't do that, join some mother and toddler groups or something, where you can sit and chat and have help to supervise your baby for a bit. I'd advise getting out and about as much as possible really - things like swimming, trips to the park, or just a walk in the fresh air - anything to wear the baby out so she sleeps better.

Thank you all so much, sorry it's taken me a long time to come back.

I'm on maternity leave and going to take a year off. I do sometimes have a good day with her but I can't remember them when I have a shitty day like today.

I finally went back to baby group this week and it did us both good getting out so I'm going to make a real effort to keep going. I find it hard though seeing mums there who are coping well. It makes me feel useless and inadequate. Can you tell I have low self esteem

I'm so scared about damaging my baby emotionally as when I've had enough I shut down and I know this is awful.

Spoke to the gp and going to see him next week.

Thank you all again.

They might seem like they are coping well but you never know what's really going on.
for you.
You are not useless. You are doing much better than you think you are. Going to a doctors appt to ask for help takes courage.

Is the reflux and CMPA being managed?

My ds was exactly as you describe for the first 3 months, and I have a 2yo dd, and it got to the point of me sitting in my underwear (no clean clothes left from reflux vomit) hysterically bawling my eyes out as ds was sick on me again to finally reach breaking point.
1- I told dp everything, that sometimes I handle him too roughly because im so angry, sometimes I just want to leave him in a shop and walk away, sometimes I just put him in the furthest room from the living room screaming and shut the door and have a cuppa tea..... Just getting it out helped.
2- I called a lady who I didn't know very well but I had met at church and had mentioned her dd had a CMPA and reflux, she came round with a massive bag of clothes she didn't need anymore and told me that she would be round twice a week to pick up and drop off washing (I was washing every day and couldn't keep on top of it all)
3- I gave myself a pat on the back, because you know what? The little baby your looking at is alive because of you (and if your breastfeeding even more so!)

Your doing a great job, call in any and all favours. If someone mentions 'if I can help just let me know' follow it with 'well, actually, we are really struggling with....' Instead of 'will do! Thanks!' Because everyone knows that they never follow it up!

Medication can help with reflux, ds is on ranitadine (now 7mo) and a special formula called Nutramigen which is for CMPA. He's like a different baby!

Your doing a great job, and you've taken a massive step by going to the drs! Once you've found a supportive Dr try to only see them, it really helped me feel like I could talk to them

Reflux is a total killer. And is often misdiagnosed as or along side PND. Is your DD on anything for it? The right meds made a huge and immediate difference to my DS2. And a dummy. The sucking helps calm them and to keep the milk down.

Thank you

She takes omeprazole. Has tried nutramigen, aptimel pepti and neocate but won't have any of them so I'm still bf.
I'm dairy, egg and soya free but sometimes wonder if other things I eat irritate her.
She's teething as well now, which seems to make the reflux worse.
I'm sure this would be so much different if we didn't have these issues. It really helps that people understand though, thank you all for helping me to feel better

Sorry x post.

She won't have a dummy just my boob. She's quite a determined little baby!

I refuse to believe that there is any new mum who is 'coping' 100% of the time. I truly think that everyone has those 'OMG, what was I thinking moments'
I am so sorry that you're having a hard time of it. Keep your GP in the loop, use DH and any family you can to give you a break sometimes.
The baby and toddler groups can be fantastic. Don't compare yourself to others there. Nobody is perfect!

Been there. It's fucking awful. I was worried it was pnd but in fact it was just that my life was depressing if that makes sense? I was so annoyed that everyone else had seemingly easier lives/babies and felt robbed of a 'nice & normal' experience. I stopped breastfeeding, started using cmpi friendly formula, shared night feeds, had regular time away. Even an hour 'off' made a world of difference. It's shit. But it will get better I promise!

It must be tough. Have you thought about going back to work slightly sooner than planned? You don't have to take 12 months.

Sorry just seen that your dd won't take the formulas. Time off is the main help right now. Take any that you can. Even if you're just in another room. Play music you love on loud and just be 'you' for half hour!

Hi
Sorry you're having such a hard time. I felt very similarly and struggled with mental health a little bit. Things got easier when DD1 was 15 months and then increasingly easier from that point. - Until I accidentally got pregnant again and now I'm going through the struggling part of it again!! Slightly more perspective this time. I often feel I've made a mistake and then of course you feel guilty. ; / It will pass though honestly. Do nice things for yourself when you can. Also bear in mind that at mum and baby groups a lot of people deliberately put on a swishy, everything's marvellous persona - a lot of people don't want to be honest about how gruelling it can be. ps, I didn't have any of the probs you're having with reflux etc so you must be doing a bloody marvellous job. Keep asking for help until you get it. X

Does she not take the formulas because of the teat or because of the taste?

Cos if its the latter, Vanilla Essence is your friend. We're on Neocate - foul tasting stuff and oh my God the poos! - and go through a bottle of Vanilla a week. Makes it taste like milkshake and they gobble it.

Btw I was told to stop Bfing as the CMPI wasn't getting much better and my GP said "Look you won't know till you try solid food what exactly it is thats upsetting him and you can't cut out everything". Wise words. Stopping BFing was initially upsetting but honestly after a week I never looked back. His feeds are much more spaced out, he sleeps for longer, and when I'm overwhelmed I can pass him to DH and go into town for a couple of hours.

Oh and another note, my DS doesn't have reflux so this isn't an issue for me but I've heard that those hyperallergenic formulas are a bit thinner so refluxy babies sometimes add a thickener each bottle. Carob or something?

I'm another one whose baby had severe feeding difficulties that were just never really taken seriously, with all my worries written off as PND. I was on a load of meds and having therapy and all of that, fortnightly visits from a psychiatric nurse... and then at just under six months he was basically unbelievably small (way off charts) and failing to thrive and about to be readmitted having not gained any weight in 16 weeks, and I was repeatedly told it was just my anxiety, when we discovered an undiagnosed tongue tie that was actually stopping him from feeding from the bottle, never mind the breast. He had it snipped on a Friday and the following week he had gained 18oz and the incessant, neverending SCREAMING had stopped.
Within a month I felt like myself again.

PND is real and it does exist as a serious illness in its own right but if you have a baby that screams without stop, the feeling you can't take it, it's bleak and you wish you could just run away is just.. normal. It's okay not to like it. It's okay not to be all aglow when your baby won't stop crying and never naps. It's NORMALto have negative thoughts when you've no support and this is your daily reality. I think the people who think its not have never actually been there and/or buy into the myth that life is generally about being happy and content and liking what happens on a day to day basis, when actually, we all have tough times.

I was told even after all this that I would almost certainly have PND "again" with my next. I didn't... and I really think, looking back, it honestly was the most miserable time of my life, but what is to love about a situation where you are confronted with screaming all day and all night, are getting no sleep and have no real company with people who you WANT to spend time with and who you could actually speak to if there wasn't so much screaming? I'm just not sure, as time goes past, that it's fair to categorise people feeling miserable in a miserable bloody situation as illness. It fairly justified.

Totally agree with the past 2 posts. I remember thinking "of course I'm depressed, my life is fucking depressing. A baby screams at me all day and night long. That doesn't necessarily mean I'm suffering from depression" I would urge you to keep in Contact with gp though and take all the support available x