Oh you poor thing.

Did you have unprotected sex with this other guy then?

I'm not sure what to say to help you.
Was the other chap the same ethnicity? I only ask, because if not you probably need to tell dh ASAP.

Xx

Your baby should be protected, unborn and post-delivery. You need to ensure your own safety.
Tempting to keep this secret and hope for the best. If it were just you involved, no problem, but it affects others.


Rather than endure the last weeks of pregnancy under pressure of this secret, I would tell OH in daytime, privately but with someone else you trust close at hand in a safe environment.

If you decide to tell before delivery, it will be devastating but from that moment, simple unvarnished truth. OH may leave, unable to cope. Have you resources to manage alone?

Your OH may not be the biological father
but he can still be a wonderful dad.

If your OH is the father you may wish you'd kept quiet. You might think if only I'd not spoilt the birth and our pleasure in our son.

Suppose you wait and tell when your baby is - how old? A week? A month? Perhaps you hope for a sign, a resemblance. OH has grown closer still. Within a short while everyone you two know will have heard the baby's been born, how easy is it to drop the bombshell then?

If he is not the father, imagine how doubly crushed he'll be - not only is he not the father, the whole 9 months was ai lie.

If you risk not telling and gamble OH is the father, do you want this hanging over your head? What about eye colour, blood group, genetics - suppose there's a medical situation later on?

Is the man you slept with known to you? Was he an ex? Is he likely to see you again, with a baby - do sums, challenge paternity?

Suppose you keep quiet, hope for the best, time passes, this relationship falters again for whatever reason. In a moment of rage you hurl the question of your son's parentage at OH?

Remember if any time you fear for your safety or feel threatened, leave or call for help.
Do you have family and friends close by? Has your OH similar support nearby?

Nobody else can tell you what to do for the best.

Please consider this: if, after all the upset and trauma of ttc and miscarriages, you are finally pregnant and going to term and able to offer this baby so much, even without your husband by the side this is possible, can you find it in your heart to trust your OH to stick by you? Could you put this down in writing if you can't look him in the face and tell him?

Of course it's not what you wanted, and let's hope your OH is the father, but this baby is blameless and you know he deserves a loving home. If your OH can't handle what has happened, you need to let him go, and do your level best for your DS. If OH stays, you may both need counselling, separately and together.

There is help out there. If you think you are depressed or feel any inclination towards harming yourself or your infant please contact your midwife or GP.

Hi,
This is the first time I have written on this website (only joined few mins ago), so if I make mistakes I apologize.
You have had a lot of advice and thoughts from others on this matter and I'm not sure what I will be offering up but here we go...
It goes without saying that you are in a impossibly hard situation and you have done more than enough berating yourself, as you said, what is done is done.
My thoughts are these...
Lets take the baby's viewpoint/interest. All the hormones running through you as you are pregnant go to the little one, so all the worry and stress you are causing yourself is having an effect on the baby. Given that there is no way to know who is the father until after the birth (and telling husband now will be agony for him and for you, plus you'll create an even more tense living environment until the birth and again... baby and hormones) perhaps it would be best for the bubs if you don't say anything until after the birth. It may be as the midwife says you look down and just 'know' that he is your husbands. You could do a subtle DNA test to confirm this and he would be none the wiser. Of course you could argue that that adds to the lies and secrets but if you were right then hubby is never hurt and this nightmare goes away. This way, baby has happy hormones, you have the love and support of your husband at a very hard time, and if the baby does turn out to be his you haven't ruined this special moment that you two have tried so hard to create all these years.
The thing to remember also is that you didn't do anything wrong. Yes you slept with someone else BUT you were separated. Whilst if it turns out to not be your husbands he will be 'upset' but he cannot be angry over the action per se as that was within your rights, you were separated. It may be that he would raise the child as his own anyway. He has stuck with you through the miscarriages and a still birth (must have been hell for you both), he has tried to separate but loves you too much to want to do that...there is a lot of love there. Yes, OK, the baby might not be his, but it is yours, it is YOU. Would you leave if it was the other way around? I'm not minimizing his position, his right to be upside down with sadness, grief no doubt for what he feels he has lost etc etc but it IS possible to get through this and have a happy ending even if the 'worst' happens.
At the end of the day, you are having a baby. A perfect little man that you have fought so so hard to achieve, he is innocent in this and he doesn't care who loves him, mummy, mummy and daddy (biological or not), all he needs is love and you are more than capable to do that, alone or together.
I hope some of this helps (also hope I didn't sound like I was preaching -just my thoughts. There is no right or wrong answer as to what you should do ONLY what is right for you. Do what your heart tells you to and then you can always have comfort in that). Keep us posted xx