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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry and feel let down by mum and sister? **Content warning - title edited by MNHQ**

79 replies

Fredface1 · 23/03/2023 13:46

Background mum was a teen when she had me and her parents did most of my upbringing until I was 10. Mum then met step father and he moved in. Long story short step father was SA to me from age 11 to 15. I was never safe and was terrified. Most attacks came when I was asleep. Finally I told my mum when I was 28 as I had never thought she would believe me as a child. Guess what, she didnt believe me as an adult. So after I threatened them with the police and to take a lie detector to prove my allegations SF confessed. But said it had all been his way of 'having a joke'. This joke was relentless for 6 years. I didn't go to the police as an adult because my mother and stepfather by then had a 4 year old child ( my sister 24 years my junior). Not reporting to the police meant i waived any right to criminal injuries compensation ( up to 100k for the type of abuse endured) which I could have used to help with therapy. Despite all this I've been successful in my career and marriage and my children are fully aware of the situation and have been protected and my DH and DCs all love me and are wonderful. We are all a lot older now. Sister is now grown and in her own house, and I do love her but it transpired a couple of years ago that mum told me they were leaving the entire house ( 500k) they own to my sister ( after my sister piped up that she was inheriting the lot). My step father is apparently angry at me for outing him so she has his full share as his only biological child and mother's reason is this is house that sister grew up in and is her home ( despite sister mo longer living there and despite them selling the one I grew up in to buy it). I feel like I'm being abused all over again by all of them now. Theyve only got the stupid house because I didnt report him all those years ago because I knew he would lose his job and sister and mum would not have been able to afford it. Also the main reason for outing SF was to protect sister which worked and to make clear my children would never be left in their care. Ever. I don't need their money but that's because I had to fight to survive and I made choices over the years to ensure independence financially. AIBU to feel like this is a second death ( abuse all over again)? Or should I just accept what feels like another batch of complete injustice. ? Ps. This will be definitely outing if my family read this but frankly I no longer care.

OP posts:
topofbighill · 23/03/2023 13:50

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Take comfort that you protected your Sister.

fruitbrewhaha · 23/03/2023 13:50

Oh goodness! This is horrific.

Your mother has let you down in the worst way. You can still go to the police though.

Or have nothing to do with any of them.

Honestly I dont know how you haven’t murdered that fucker in his sleep.

AlisonHalligan · 23/03/2023 13:51

Honestly, I'd just go NC with your mother and step-father.

There is nothing you can do- they can leave the house to whoever they like. Don't engage, just walk away.

Do you know whether he also abused your sister?

Coffeellama · 23/03/2023 13:54

didn't go to the police as an adult because my mother and stepfather by then had a 4 year old child

Not sure if I’ve read it right. Are you saying your step father sexually abused you as a child, and then admitted it as an adult, but you didn’t report it to the police because they had a 4 year old daughter?

februarysunset · 23/03/2023 13:54

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

It is not too late to go to the police.

DizzyLizzyKizzy · 23/03/2023 13:55

februarysunset · 23/03/2023 13:54

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

It is not too late to go to the police.

This, if you feel you want to do this, then do.

I'd also go no contact.

Coffeellama · 23/03/2023 13:55

februarysunset · 23/03/2023 13:54

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

It is not too late to go to the police.

Agreed. Id cut contact and go to the police, absolutely not too late.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 23/03/2023 13:57

I'd go no contact and I'd also go to the police

LonelyInTheOcean · 23/03/2023 13:59

I also agree, cut contact and go to the police. You have nothing to lose and justice to gain.

Wannaloseastone · 23/03/2023 14:02

OP you've been through a horrific childhood and have still managed to make a huge success of your life, surrounded by people who love and support you. You should be so proud of yourself. You don't need anything from these people (I wouldn't go so far as to call them family).
And remember, it's never too late to report historic SA. Even if you truly believe your sister remained unharmed (and you only have their word for this), it doesn't mean he didn't or isn't taking his vile paedophilia tendencies out on other children outside the home. I tend to believe these people don't just stop - specially when he got cocky, knowing you definitely weren't going to report. Might have made him feel invincible.
But inhertance-wise, please don't let it ruin the rest of your life, trying to figure out why these people have made this decision or how unfair it is, because there is no sanity or reasoning and you'll only drive yourself insane 💐

HoppingPavlova · 23/03/2023 14:06

Not sure if I’ve read it right. Are you saying your step father sexually abused you as a child, and then admitted it as an adult, but you didn’t report it to the police because they had a 4 year old daughter?

Yep. That’s the bit I couldn’t get past. I would have thought that would be the impetus to report, as opposed to not reporting because he now had access to another child?

TheHoover · 23/03/2023 14:09

Oh OP how utterly horrible. I cannot begin to comprehend how awful this was for you. Your mum is just as big a villain as your SF in this - cut them both out of your life and get some counselling if you need it and move on.
Your sister should do the decent thing and split the inheritance but I expect she will not.

TheHoover · 23/03/2023 14:10

Please do not judge people for not reporting abuse. You cannot possibly know what it was like for them unless you have stood in their shoes.

Kennykenkencat · 23/03/2023 14:11

Maybe he wouldn’t abuse your sister because she was his own daughter but I wonder who else he was abusing.

I would be going to the police now, even if it doesn’t go anywhere or will leave a mark of anyone else reports similar behaviour.

Your step father is a peadophile . What happens when he gets full charge of his grandchildren overnight.

NalafromtheLionKing · 23/03/2023 14:15

Yep, report it now (maybe the criminal injuries route is still open to you). They clearly have no loyalty towards you so nothing to save.

Fredface · 23/03/2023 14:18

He definitely did not abuse my sister. The reason I outed him to everyone was to protect my sister and my daughters. Going to the police would have wrecked mum and sister financially and achieved nothing in longer term except I could have at least had some help with counselling costs. My mother would never have left him even if the police had got involved. I took the view that in the open with all family and their friends aware would keep sister safe. Also SF had a breakdown after I outed him ( apparently ashamed everyone knew what he was). He was sectioned and I was interviewed by social services and relevant authorities who were made aware of his abuse. So correct checks were placed on him. These were all factors in my decision.

Original poster
Fredface1 · 23/03/2023 14:22

Fredface · 23/03/2023 14:18

He definitely did not abuse my sister. The reason I outed him to everyone was to protect my sister and my daughters. Going to the police would have wrecked mum and sister financially and achieved nothing in longer term except I could have at least had some help with counselling costs. My mother would never have left him even if the police had got involved. I took the view that in the open with all family and their friends aware would keep sister safe. Also SF had a breakdown after I outed him ( apparently ashamed everyone knew what he was). He was sectioned and I was interviewed by social services and relevant authorities who were made aware of his abuse. So correct checks were placed on him. These were all factors in my decision.

Sorry @mnhq this was me fredface1. I had 2 logins when I joined. I'm still new and learning here xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Fredface1 · 23/03/2023 14:23

Oh @TheHoover your posts just made me cry. Thank you x thank you for understanding x

OP posts:
Original poster
Fredface1 · 23/03/2023 14:25

It was exactly to protect my children and not let him have any access at all I outed him as mother was relentless in complaining that she was not being allowed my children for sleepovers.

OP posts:
Southstand · 23/03/2023 14:39

OP I've been disinherited - I've abusive parents who can't stand each other but won't leave each other. An attempt to stall poor behaviour caused them to storm out on me. (Golden child sister sides with them)
Was SA by maternal Great Uncle and hugely let down by my mother over this.

They are a toxic mess and I feel very let down by poor parenting. I can barely believe how things have planned out.

While I am really sad about having no contact with my family of origin, I have created a lovely family of my own and have built a happy life. I leave behind parents who will never be happy.

At the end of the day you can only control how you behave.💐❤️

Original poster
Fredface1 · 23/03/2023 14:48

Southstand · 23/03/2023 14:39

OP I've been disinherited - I've abusive parents who can't stand each other but won't leave each other. An attempt to stall poor behaviour caused them to storm out on me. (Golden child sister sides with them)
Was SA by maternal Great Uncle and hugely let down by my mother over this.

They are a toxic mess and I feel very let down by poor parenting. I can barely believe how things have planned out.

While I am really sad about having no contact with my family of origin, I have created a lovely family of my own and have built a happy life. I leave behind parents who will never be happy.

At the end of the day you can only control how you behave.💐❤️

I'm so sorry this has happened to you too x sending love.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fredface1 · 23/03/2023 14:52

fruitbrewhaha · 23/03/2023 13:50

Oh goodness! This is horrific.

Your mother has let you down in the worst way. You can still go to the police though.

Or have nothing to do with any of them.

Honestly I dont know how you haven’t murdered that fucker in his sleep.

:-) It certainly crossed my mind. I slept with a knife under my bed pillow and in a sleeping bag, on the zip from 15. It seemed to send the relevant message.

OP posts:
Wannaloseastone · 23/03/2023 15:06

Are you not in UK, OP?

Original poster
Fredface1 · 23/03/2023 15:10

Wannaloseastone · 23/03/2023 15:06

Are you not in UK, OP?

Hi, yes I am in the UK.

OP posts:
Smineusername · 23/03/2023 15:25

They are bad people and you are better off without them.

I'm sorry they've treated you so appallingly you do not deserve it and you never did.