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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry and feel let down by mum and sister? **Content warning - title edited by MNHQ**

79 replies

Fredface1 · 23/03/2023 13:46

Background mum was a teen when she had me and her parents did most of my upbringing until I was 10. Mum then met step father and he moved in. Long story short step father was SA to me from age 11 to 15. I was never safe and was terrified. Most attacks came when I was asleep. Finally I told my mum when I was 28 as I had never thought she would believe me as a child. Guess what, she didnt believe me as an adult. So after I threatened them with the police and to take a lie detector to prove my allegations SF confessed. But said it had all been his way of 'having a joke'. This joke was relentless for 6 years. I didn't go to the police as an adult because my mother and stepfather by then had a 4 year old child ( my sister 24 years my junior). Not reporting to the police meant i waived any right to criminal injuries compensation ( up to 100k for the type of abuse endured) which I could have used to help with therapy. Despite all this I've been successful in my career and marriage and my children are fully aware of the situation and have been protected and my DH and DCs all love me and are wonderful. We are all a lot older now. Sister is now grown and in her own house, and I do love her but it transpired a couple of years ago that mum told me they were leaving the entire house ( 500k) they own to my sister ( after my sister piped up that she was inheriting the lot). My step father is apparently angry at me for outing him so she has his full share as his only biological child and mother's reason is this is house that sister grew up in and is her home ( despite sister mo longer living there and despite them selling the one I grew up in to buy it). I feel like I'm being abused all over again by all of them now. Theyve only got the stupid house because I didnt report him all those years ago because I knew he would lose his job and sister and mum would not have been able to afford it. Also the main reason for outing SF was to protect sister which worked and to make clear my children would never be left in their care. Ever. I don't need their money but that's because I had to fight to survive and I made choices over the years to ensure independence financially. AIBU to feel like this is a second death ( abuse all over again)? Or should I just accept what feels like another batch of complete injustice. ? Ps. This will be definitely outing if my family read this but frankly I no longer care.

OP posts:
TrashyPanda · 23/03/2023 16:48

You did what was right for you at the time.

you have built a wonderful, loving life with your family

my dear friend suffered like you, and still suffers and struggles. Despite that, she has been such a comfort and support to me. I can’t tell you how much I love and admire her

this is a link to a book she wrote, which may help you

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Breaking-Chains-Abuse-Practical-Guide/dp/074595135X/ref=sr_1_13?qid=1679589910&refinements=p_27%3ASue+Atkinson&s=books&sr=1-13

she has also written about depression.

sending you my very best wishes

TrashyPanda · 23/03/2023 16:50

Fredface1 · 23/03/2023 16:12

Me neither. I'll never understand it.

Show quote history

Sadly, this does not seem to be uncommon.

it is absolutely disgusting and a betrayal of the children involved.

PinkSyCo · 23/03/2023 16:53

Fredface1 · 23/03/2023 16:09

I seemed to have confused a few people with this part so apologies, it's quite difficult to condense the entire story into a small paragraph but your questions broke what people seem to be struggling with into clear sections so I'll answer in the same order and hopefully clarify for others too.

  1. she's my half sister
  2. he was reported to social services and the mental health service when he was sectioned. I was asked if I wanted the police involved but I said no to that part. So he was put under watch just didnt get a criminal record. Hr was in a mental institution for 12 months. His employers knew it was a breakdown but mot the reason why.
  3. I'm totally sure he didn't abuse my sister, I threatened immediate police involvement if I got even a whiff of it hapoening to her and he's a coward and knew I would keep that threat. She's quite open with now she's an adult too and is grateful that I protected her. Just not so grateful that she'd share her inheritance ( although maybe I'm underestimating her here I haven't actually asked her what she thinks). I do love my sister and want to avoid us falling out over this. I think writing this thread on here and seeing others ( beautifully kind) responses is helping me clarify next steps.
  4. her and her partner are VERY aware what he did and have seen his written confession.
Show quote history

Ah I see, thank you for clarifying. I really wish you had gone to the police at the time though and I would do so now if possible. He will always be a potential danger to children otherwise, plus he deserves punishment for what he did to you! Your mother is an absolute disgrace of a woman and doesn’t deserve you in her life at all and your half sister, knowing what her own flesh is a paedophile, could probably do with some counselling herself. I do hope that she does the right thing and shares the inheritance with you but if not, I would not be too envious of her if I were you.

Quitelikeit · 23/03/2023 17:10

Op

my darling, your mother is absolutely appalling for staying with this monster

Please consider reporting this man to the police

He is a vile, disgusting, filthy monster and is clearly twisting the knife in further by disinheriting you

I feel very angry on your behalf and generally disgusted at the thought of him going about his life unpunished

You owe your ‘mother’ nothing - you should feel nothing at turning her life upside down

She did it to you and any true mother would have encouraged you to go to the police

your sister does not hold you in any high regard either

have you looked into a private prosecution and sue them that way?

for what they gave done with the inheritance I would do it op

Ariela · 23/03/2023 17:15

Do you actually want any inheritance? To me it would be tainted.

What you have done is provided you and your family with a safe, wholesome family home, you've done this yourself, without or despite SF actions, and as such you should be proud of yourself, ditto that you saved your half sister from abuse too. .

Do seek therapy, I'm sure it'll help you.

OhhhhhhhhBiscuits · 23/03/2023 17:19

I would go to the police. Your SD is a vile abuser and your mum is sickening for staying with a paedophile and potentially putting another young child at risk.

Viviennemary · 23/03/2023 17:23

Of course he should have been reported.,The inheritance isnt relevant.

Cherrysoup · 23/03/2023 17:35

Please report him. Why shouldn’t you be able to access funding for therapy?

Crazycrazylady · 23/03/2023 17:40

Op
I know you're right but in terms of law , inheritance is totally different from
'Damages' . I think you should resign yourself to the fact they will disinherit you and make your leave with it as unfortunately you can't change that.
You could potentially contest the will but that's a really long hard road.
You'd only be entitled half of to your moms half to start with while your sister would be entitled to her dads half plus of her moms half . Youd then need to proove that your mom was either coerced or not in her right mind and then the legal feels could be huge.
Sorry if that's not what you want to here
I understand it's a huge additional blow.

Noras · 23/03/2023 17:57

This is a radical idea but unless your parents are close to death I would not worry too much. Wills can and do get altered and for instance, if your step dad goes first the likelihood is your mother inherits the house and can be free to dispose of it as she wishes. That might well depend on who is there to support and care for her. I really would not give your step dad the satisfaction of seeing hurt. Besides if they get dementia then care costs will take an enormous chunk.

takeme · 23/03/2023 18:04

Go to the police. And if you want someone to go with you , someone hold my coat.

How horrific , I am DIsgusted on your behalf , how dare he . Seek justice immediately

takeme · 23/03/2023 18:07

Furthermore the fact you feel some kind of protection regarding your mother shows me you are so deeply traumatised.

My love, and I say this in a gentle way - she is guilty . She is not a mother.

Please please report this monster to the police, and make contact with free charities to help you through this

Delectable · 23/03/2023 18:11

It's a shame all of them especially your mum and sister still won't do right by you. You should press charges. I know of a historic case of 16yrs ago that's just gotten to court and the perpetrator jailed in London.

sealon82 · 23/03/2023 18:11

A good place to start would be rape crisis uk. I have used them myself and they set me up with an ISVA. My ISVA is an absolute angel! They will help you report if you wish but they can also help you access therapy.

LuckyDipForTheEuro · 23/03/2023 18:11

You did the morally right thing and did your best to protect your sister and to provide a safe childhood for your children. You should be sooooo bloody proud of yourself for that.

It's come at a high cost, emotional and crucially financial. Of course it's easy to say "it's only money" but money gives us options, some of which you could sorely make use of, and you certainly deserve all the compensation and support to heal.

Not sure what the solution is but yep, you're absolutely justified to feel hurt at how things always seem to play out with your family.

JudgeRudy · 23/03/2023 18:12

HoppingPavlova · 23/03/2023 14:06

Not sure if I’ve read it right. Are you saying your step father sexually abused you as a child, and then admitted it as an adult, but you didn’t report it to the police because they had a 4 year old daughter?

Yep. That’s the bit I couldn’t get past. I would have thought that would be the impetus to report, as opposed to not reporting because he now had access to another child?

But you're rationalising this as a stable, autonomous adult, not a damaged/confused young person. That's on a par with asking a rape victim why they didn't fight back/leave etc, or a DA victim why they go back. Trauma affects your very bring and sometimes you rationalise the irrational....maybe she felt confident he only SAd her because she wasn't 'family'...who knows

AAAAABBBBBCCCCC · 23/03/2023 18:20

You need to see it another way- you saved your sister's life which you cannot put a price on.

Honestly, you are amazing. Forget the money. Forget them. Your SF is an abusive POS.

X

Original poster
Fredface1 · 23/03/2023 18:20

Aah. Thank you all. Such great messages and some really interesting advice. @Quitelikeit I hadn't thought of PP at all. That is food for thought. @Ariela you're right what I've realised though is that when all my safety net was removed from me aged 10, with no safe place to fall and no parents to rely on , I (not unreasonably ) made VERY sure I would be financially solid. I've used finances as my surrogate parents, my safety net. So this inheritance issue has weirdly hit me in my safe zone somehow. I'm still trying to process how. @takeme you sound like you are a fantastic friend to your friends. I do have friends who respond and support just like you. They're the best.

I know people think I should still report to the police but I really don't think I could handle watching him probably get a light sentence etc due to time elapsed. Plus there was never any guarantee just because the police or criminal records were involved this would keep him from harming other children. But my threat to only allow him his freedom if he left my sister alone did work. I was worried he'd have had nothing to lose if he'd already done time. Maybe that was wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fredface1 · 23/03/2023 18:20

AAAAABBBBBCCCCC · 23/03/2023 18:20

You need to see it another way- you saved your sister's life which you cannot put a price on.

Honestly, you are amazing. Forget the money. Forget them. Your SF is an abusive POS.

X

Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Fredface1 · 23/03/2023 18:27

@TrashyPanda thank you I've downloaded a sample to have a look.

OP posts:
IconicKitty · 23/03/2023 18:33

And your mother stayed with him?

And your sister thinks this is all ok?

In your shoes I would go to the police and go NC with your mother and sister.

Summerhillsquare · 23/03/2023 19:42

You will get good advice from Rape. crisis. Most of the women they support experienced sexual abuse in childhood. Consider EMDR too.

Original poster
Fredface1 · 23/03/2023 21:42

Summerhillsquare · 23/03/2023 19:42

You will get good advice from Rape. crisis. Most of the women they support experienced sexual abuse in childhood. Consider EMDR too.

So many people have recommended rape crisis I didnt think it would apply to a childhood experience especially as it was repeated over a long term. I think I will try them tomorrow and see what they suggest. I think I've blocked things so much that I just hadnt considered all the hrlp options properly.

My mum has just been visiting and for 3 days I've listened to all her grievances with the world and I've just about had enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fredface1 · 23/03/2023 21:43

*help

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 23/03/2023 21:51

Why do you still have contact with someone who facilitated your abuse? I wouldn't have mum or step dad near me or mine

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