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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry and feel let down by mum and sister? **Content warning - title edited by MNHQ**

79 replies

Fredface1 · 23/03/2023 13:46

Background mum was a teen when she had me and her parents did most of my upbringing until I was 10. Mum then met step father and he moved in. Long story short step father was SA to me from age 11 to 15. I was never safe and was terrified. Most attacks came when I was asleep. Finally I told my mum when I was 28 as I had never thought she would believe me as a child. Guess what, she didnt believe me as an adult. So after I threatened them with the police and to take a lie detector to prove my allegations SF confessed. But said it had all been his way of 'having a joke'. This joke was relentless for 6 years. I didn't go to the police as an adult because my mother and stepfather by then had a 4 year old child ( my sister 24 years my junior). Not reporting to the police meant i waived any right to criminal injuries compensation ( up to 100k for the type of abuse endured) which I could have used to help with therapy. Despite all this I've been successful in my career and marriage and my children are fully aware of the situation and have been protected and my DH and DCs all love me and are wonderful. We are all a lot older now. Sister is now grown and in her own house, and I do love her but it transpired a couple of years ago that mum told me they were leaving the entire house ( 500k) they own to my sister ( after my sister piped up that she was inheriting the lot). My step father is apparently angry at me for outing him so she has his full share as his only biological child and mother's reason is this is house that sister grew up in and is her home ( despite sister mo longer living there and despite them selling the one I grew up in to buy it). I feel like I'm being abused all over again by all of them now. Theyve only got the stupid house because I didnt report him all those years ago because I knew he would lose his job and sister and mum would not have been able to afford it. Also the main reason for outing SF was to protect sister which worked and to make clear my children would never be left in their care. Ever. I don't need their money but that's because I had to fight to survive and I made choices over the years to ensure independence financially. AIBU to feel like this is a second death ( abuse all over again)? Or should I just accept what feels like another batch of complete injustice. ? Ps. This will be definitely outing if my family read this but frankly I no longer care.

OP posts:
Wannaloseastone · 23/03/2023 15:26

Ah, OK. It was just the mention of lie detectors and having to pay for therapy, I automatically assumed you were in USA or somewhere where lie detectors are commonplace and where you can't have therapy on NHS or through a charity

Southstand · 23/03/2023 15:31

Fredface1 · 23/03/2023 14:48

I'm so sorry this has happened to you too x sending love.

Show quote history

Thanks OP I'm really touched you said that 🌟

Original poster
Fredface1 · 23/03/2023 15:41

Wannaloseastone · 23/03/2023 15:26

Ah, OK. It was just the mention of lie detectors and having to pay for therapy, I automatically assumed you were in USA or somewhere where lie detectors are commonplace and where you can't have therapy on NHS or through a charity

Aah I see. No I threatened a lie detector mainly to get him to realise I was serious and would take it further if he didn't confess. I wasn't carrying 'it' any longer. I have no idea if they'd ever use one in UK for something like this but I hoped the lie derector threat would scare him into the open as he knew he would not pass. It worked.

As for NHS therapy I just never ever considered it would be any help, but I'd be massively grateful if anyone has any experience they could share? Close friends who know my situation have suggested it may be helpful but I'm wary of just getting someone who is inexperienced and always assumed I'd have to pay for decent counselling.

OP posts:
Turnipworkharder · 23/03/2023 15:49

OP so your Mother stayed with this scumbag child abuser even after she became aware he'd abused you .....I can't get my head around that. 😡

PinkSyCo · 23/03/2023 15:52

I’m so sorry about what happened to you, but I’m confused as to why your step sister coming along stopped you from reporting your step father. If anything that would have spurred me on. Weren’t you afraid that he might abuse her? Are you sure he didn’t? Does she know what he did to you, so that she can make sure her futures kid’s are protected?

AutumnLeaves23 · 23/03/2023 15:56

I put YANBU because you can’t do anything about the inheritance, but you can allow yourself to feel rubbish. You were and are a victim, and none of it is your fault but it must feel like more punishment.

I know some people who were abused either through neglect or violence, and the will was just another way the abuser exerted harm, all of them were disinherited, with the children who did not ‘complain’ being favoured. I think the only thing you can do is distance and healing of yourself.

HappyintheHills · 23/03/2023 15:58

@PinkSyCo I think @Fredface1 did ensure that the relevant people were informed to protect her sister.
She just didn't involve the police.

HappyintheHills · 23/03/2023 16:01

As for the inheritance, I'd ignore the provocation whilst the parents are alive and judge sister on whether she accepts all of the house, she doesn't have to.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 23/03/2023 16:02

You can still report now.

Smineusername · 23/03/2023 16:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Original poster
Fredface1 · 23/03/2023 16:09

PinkSyCo · 23/03/2023 15:52

I’m so sorry about what happened to you, but I’m confused as to why your step sister coming along stopped you from reporting your step father. If anything that would have spurred me on. Weren’t you afraid that he might abuse her? Are you sure he didn’t? Does she know what he did to you, so that she can make sure her futures kid’s are protected?

I seemed to have confused a few people with this part so apologies, it's quite difficult to condense the entire story into a small paragraph but your questions broke what people seem to be struggling with into clear sections so I'll answer in the same order and hopefully clarify for others too.

  1. she's my half sister
  2. he was reported to social services and the mental health service when he was sectioned. I was asked if I wanted the police involved but I said no to that part. So he was put under watch just didnt get a criminal record. Hr was in a mental institution for 12 months. His employers knew it was a breakdown but mot the reason why.
  3. I'm totally sure he didn't abuse my sister, I threatened immediate police involvement if I got even a whiff of it hapoening to her and he's a coward and knew I would keep that threat. She's quite open with now she's an adult too and is grateful that I protected her. Just not so grateful that she'd share her inheritance ( although maybe I'm underestimating her here I haven't actually asked her what she thinks). I do love my sister and want to avoid us falling out over this. I think writing this thread on here and seeing others ( beautifully kind) responses is helping me clarify next steps.
  4. her and her partner are VERY aware what he did and have seen his written confession.
OP posts:
Original poster
Fredface1 · 23/03/2023 16:11

@HappyintheHills thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Fredface1 · 23/03/2023 16:12

Turnipworkharder · 23/03/2023 15:49

OP so your Mother stayed with this scumbag child abuser even after she became aware he'd abused you .....I can't get my head around that. 😡

Me neither. I'll never understand it.

OP posts:
sealon82 · 23/03/2023 16:13

It's not to late to go to the police. And I hope he is NEVER around any children now???
I would go no contact with your mum, I know it's hard but people (including myself) do it all of the time. She doesn't deserve a thing from you.
Historical cases of sa can end in justice, it's worth a thought. Sending hugs your way.

Original poster
Fredface1 · 23/03/2023 16:15

AutumnLeaves23 · 23/03/2023 15:56

I put YANBU because you can’t do anything about the inheritance, but you can allow yourself to feel rubbish. You were and are a victim, and none of it is your fault but it must feel like more punishment.

I know some people who were abused either through neglect or violence, and the will was just another way the abuser exerted harm, all of them were disinherited, with the children who did not ‘complain’ being favoured. I think the only thing you can do is distance and healing of yourself.

You know this is it. WHY can't I do anything about the inheritance? Criminals are made to pay damages to victims all the time.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 23/03/2023 16:18

You should have reported him to the police. It might sound harsh but having a daughter meant that he had access to other little girls. Your sister is an equal scumbag if she hasn't said that she would share whatever was left anyway. You'd be better off without any of them. I'd be going to the police still, this is how elderly predators manage to carry out their crimes as being seen as harmless old men.

FartSock5000 · 23/03/2023 16:19

@Fredface1 you don't owe anyone else a thing now except for the child that you were who was so badly let down. She is the only one 'owed' so you do whatever you can to get her justice, therapy or peace. Even if that means never speaking to your disgusting pedo protecting Mum. What a disgrace she is.

Please do look into NHS therapy. There is so much trauma for you to mentally carry and unpack alone. A professional will help you come to terms and live free of the burden that beast placed on you as a child.

You are such a strong, inspirational person to have protection your DSis and daughters for so long but now it's your turn to get some help and peace.

Your feelings are valid and even if they leave 100% of the house to your sister, you can appeal that with a good solicitor for a share but get legal advice on that now so you are ready when the time comes.

Dodecaheidyin · 23/03/2023 16:23

As for NHS therapy I just never ever considered it would be any help, but I'd be massively grateful if anyone has any experience they could share?

Not NHS but Rape Crisis were great with me, the rapes were historical.

If you are in Scotland there is a thing called Legal Rights which may entitle you to some inheritance.

I'm so sorry you've had to endure such terrible treatment from so many Flowers

Original poster
Fredface1 · 23/03/2023 16:26

@FartSock5000 @Dodecaheidyin both really good advice . I think you're right.

OP posts:
HarrietStyles · 23/03/2023 16:27

It’s not too late to report him. Especially if he has admitted it to others, you have evidence. You successfully protected your sister - but please think about all children who he is a danger to that he meets in the future.

EggInANest · 23/03/2023 16:28

OP, your mother has betrayed you and has no right to the term ‘mother’.

Could you write her a calm factual letter pointing out everything in your OP, what you endured, what you sacrificed and how she has benefitted, and then cut her off?

You have done amazingly well and should be proud. In your shoes I wouldn’t want a penny if that man’s money, it would feel like dirty money. Your Mum’s share, yes, she is your Mum and should be treating her DD’s equally. But I wouldn’t want to breathe air in the same room as him or have his money in my pocket.

However you decide to move forwards, I wish you good luck and all the good things you deserve.

BlueBunting · 23/03/2023 16:31

It’s never too late to report him to the police, you have evidence.

drpet49 · 23/03/2023 16:35

Turnipworkharder · 23/03/2023 15:49

OP so your Mother stayed with this scumbag child abuser even after she became aware he'd abused you .....I can't get my head around that. 😡

This. I couldn’t stay in contact with her after this.

Coffeellama · 23/03/2023 16:41

If you went to the police now, would you not still
be able to get damages for therapy?

scoopoftheday · 23/03/2023 16:44

Why would you want anything from either of them? Let them loose.

(A survivor of childhood SA)