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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Therapist touched me after I said no, but I liked it at the time. Am I justified in feeling anger years later? *MNHQ adding content warning for SA*

98 replies

Feelinggrosstoday · 01/07/2023 06:23

Not explicit touching but uncomfortably intimate. Stroking just under breasts. I had said no very clearly on several previous times when they had asked for a hug. Prior to this, they had touched my face, and once kissed my cheek like you would do a friend, not sexual but just sort of overly familiar.

At the time I felt I enjoyed the closeness and the warmth but it was very confusing and things did not end well. I was extremely vulnerable.

Years later now I actually feel angry at the fact that despite saying no, they just didn't ask and made physical contact.

AIBU?

OP posts:
shivermetimbers77 · 01/07/2023 20:35

Ps I’m so sorry this happened to you, it’s not your fault at all. . I hope you are ok.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 01/07/2023 21:01

Its unequivocally wrong. If they are registered with a professional body, I do hope you will consider making a report - if they did this to you, it may well be that they were doing it to others as well/are still doing it.

NameChange245 · 01/07/2023 21:03

Crikey!! This is my line if work and that is So So not ok. Not at all ok. They should be struck off for that. You are absolutely right to feel as you do. The therapist took advantage of you when you were vulnerable.

Nephthys21 · 01/07/2023 21:06

I'm a clinical psychologist and I think if you feel able to, then you should report it. It doesn't matter what you said or did, she had a responsibility for your wellbeing and has behaved in a completely unethical manner.

InTheMiddleOfIt · 01/07/2023 21:15

InTheMiddleOfIt
What type of therapist and what type of 'credentials'?

Why did you put quotation marks around the word credentials?

Is it because you do not believe me?

It's not because I don't believe you it's because there are a million types of therapists and some of their 'credentials' are very sketchy indeed. Anyone can call themselves a therapist in the UK. I could legally call myself one if I wanted.

So some therapists credentials are not good. You've now told us they were a clinical psychotherapist so there would be no need to question their 'credentials'

How did you end up seeing her? We're they working for the NHS or through an organization?

Original poster
Feelinggrosstoday · 01/07/2023 21:31

Thank you for clarifying, @InTheMiddleOfIt

Yes, I agree it is problematic that anyone can call themselves a therapist and it should be a protected title, but in my situation that was not the issue. It happened anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelinggrosstoday · 01/07/2023 21:32

No not NHS it was in private practice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelinggrosstoday · 01/07/2023 21:38

MNHQ have added a content warning, I am so sorry I did not think to do this and if it upset anyone.

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 02/07/2023 02:41

Those emails are proof of wrong-doing by her. The client is always in a vulnerable position and can be exploited. Strong feelings are natural in therapy, I loved every therapist I ever saw, but that's why the strict boundaries are needed. Allowing the feelings to be acted on with physical touching is very wrong.
I hope you can find the strength to report her. You would be helping others. She is dangerous.

steff13 · 02/07/2023 04:57

Feelinggrosstoday · 01/07/2023 18:20

There is zero point in reporting it as there are emails from us both saying we loved each other. I know it wasn't really love now, love doesn't behave like that. I was just vulnerable and very alone at the time. I used to feel like I loved her like the older sister I never had.

But the point is there is clear evidence that I wanted her love and felt love for her, so I brought it all on myself.

Even though I still feel she should not have crossed the line into touch without consent.

It doesn't matter that you thought you loved her, or even said it in writing. You weren't in a position to consent.

iwillnotstaycalm · 02/07/2023 05:13

Jeeze, im sorry this was your experience. This is horrendous and goes against any ethical code a therapist is taught. I am a therapist in training, please report them.

You were in a very vulnerable position regardless of whether you felt ok at the time. They used their power dynamic to manipulate the situation. That is wrong on very many levels and goes against everything a therapist is taught. They shouldn't be practising.

Original poster
Feelinggrosstoday · 02/07/2023 18:19

It was wrong but the CW MNHQ has put shows a viewpoint it was sexual assault?

It wasn't really that surely?

Is there a difference in crossing a boundary when somebody tells you no - surely that is different to overt sexual assault like groping somebody's breasts or worse?

I don't know what it was but it can't really be SA surely. More like hinting in that direction for some reason, maybe just a misguided attempt at comfort and unfortunately crossed a line by mistake? I don't know.

We were on a video call with the private psychiatrist I was consulting to get some anti depressants when it happened. So I couldn't do or say anything without drawing attention to it, and her hand was off camera.

But that was me feeling caught unawares I should have stopped her and fuck whatever the psychiatrist thought. But I didn't want him to think I was nuts, she could have just denied it.

So it wasn't really SA because well it could not have progressed anywhere, for want of a better word, as we were on camera with the doctor anyway.

I feel so fucking stupid and honestly, a little disturbed.

OP posts:
nothingcomestonothing · 02/07/2023 18:30

I'd say it was yes. How is what she did different than some guy who feels someone up on the tube, assuming they'll be too embarrassed to call him out or won't be believed?

Original poster
Feelinggrosstoday · 02/07/2023 18:43

Wow. That tube analogy does make me realise it was a messed up thing to happen @nothingcomestonothing

I mean it's so easy to just NOT touch somebody at all. There isn't really any good enough reason to have done it at all.

OP posts:
airmaxJ · 02/07/2023 19:01

What else are they doing to more vulnerable people? This needs reporting it's not your fault, you were there for therapy . I can't believe this so shocking

airmaxJ · 02/07/2023 19:03

Please report them , if it was a man would you view it differently? X

Original poster
Feelinggrosstoday · 02/07/2023 19:55

Yes I think if it was a man it would be different as statistically far more likely to do something like that. I can't get my head round this.

OP posts:
nothingcomestonothing · 02/07/2023 20:30

I'm sorry this happened and you are having to make sense of it. It was an abuse of trust Flowers

CeciNestPasUnPipi · 02/07/2023 20:42

Feelinggrosstoday · 02/07/2023 19:55

Yes I think if it was a man it would be different as statistically far more likely to do something like that. I can't get my head round this.

You can't get your head around it because it is an awful assault.

I was a therapist; I trained psychodynamically. This woman needs striking off, and she needs to be investigated criminally.

There was nothing you did to cause it. You are not responsible in any way, shape, or form for her actions. Whether you enjoyed it or not is utterly immaterial. She violated her therapeutic code; and she violated you. How dare she?!

Original poster
Feelinggrosstoday · 02/07/2023 21:25

It's not even as simple to say, oh I enjoyed it, because yes part of me did but also part of me felt very conflicted. It was a mixed feeling.

Confusion and guilt around some instances of sexual coercion in previous relationships, and re-enacting trauma (as an adult) was one of the things I was trying to unpack in therapy.

Maybe, if I hadn't talked about those problems she wouldn't have seen me in that way and wouldn't have done this?

OP posts:
nothingcomestonothing · 02/07/2023 21:36

Maybe, if I hadn't talked about those problems she wouldn't have seen me in that way and wouldn't have done this?

Well if you'd have talked about having been a victim of physical violence, would that have given her the green light to see you as a punchbag and hit you?

You didn't cause this, you didn't ask for it, you didn't provoke it. This is her fault, not yours. Sometimes we need to feel like we caused something to some feel some control, I'm not trying to take that away from you if that's happening here. But if a friend told you this had happened to them how it happened to you, would you think your friend was at fault?

Original poster
Feelinggrosstoday · 02/07/2023 21:45

Sometimes we need to feel like we caused something to some feel some control

I totally get this and have done that in the past and still do, with some other instances - bad things usually feel like my fault.

When something happens to me that really should not have happened, a voice in my head argues that it really doesn't mean the same thing as if would if it happened to someone else - a "worthy" victim.

Cognitively I don't believe that I am "worth" less than another human being, I don't accept poor treatment in most situations in day to day life and am fairly confident - but somehow emotionally I am very unsure and embarrassed and doubtful that if bad things happen well it's my own fault.

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 02/07/2023 21:48

OP, you keep saying “I don’t know if it was a sexual assault” and “there’s no point reporting it because there are emails we say we love each other.” But you really, really need to understand that regardless of whether the touching was sexual assault, and regardless of whether you told this woman that you loved her, she absolutely should be reported. Not only should she not be touching (or even asking to touch) any of her clients EVER, she should also absolutely not be allowing or encouraging any form of relationship with her clients.

It’s actually quite common for people to develop a crush on their therapist, for all sorts of reasons. But it is never OK for the therapist to act on that or reciprocate or encourage it in any way and therapists are fully aware that they must not do this and that is an abuse of their position. It is not OK for a therapist to tell a client they have feelings for her in any way. The fact that she told you she loved you by email should be reported just as much as the touching.

Original poster
Feelinggrosstoday · 02/07/2023 21:48

The great irony here is I have started going to a therapist to work on some issues, completely unrelated to this thread topic.

And I thought I had completely got over this unhealthy relationship with this old therapist but it has come back up and is getting in the way of talking to the new one.

I worry the new therapist will think I'm at fault.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelinggrosstoday · 02/07/2023 21:55

The fact that she told you she loved you by email should be reported just as much as the touching.

Yes, part of me realises that.

The other part is just embarrassed and appalled. I think it is dawning on me that I possibly take too much responsibility when people do something really shitty to me. It's even difficult to type that, my natural instinct is to blame myself.

OP posts:
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