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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Therapist touched me after I said no, but I liked it at the time. Am I justified in feeling anger years later? *MNHQ adding content warning for SA*

98 replies

Feelinggrosstoday · 01/07/2023 06:23

Not explicit touching but uncomfortably intimate. Stroking just under breasts. I had said no very clearly on several previous times when they had asked for a hug. Prior to this, they had touched my face, and once kissed my cheek like you would do a friend, not sexual but just sort of overly familiar.

At the time I felt I enjoyed the closeness and the warmth but it was very confusing and things did not end well. I was extremely vulnerable.

Years later now I actually feel angry at the fact that despite saying no, they just didn't ask and made physical contact.

AIBU?

OP posts:
IAmAnIdiot123 · 01/07/2023 17:49

Don't feel guilty, think about it. How does someone brush softly under your breasts, without permission, without it being abuse? I was going to say I could sort of get a kiss on the cheek in a friendly way during a hug (thinking along the lines of when I have accidently said 'love you' to clients when hanging up the phone 😂) but actually, should she have even been hugging you in the first place? I wouldn't have thought so!

And insinuating if is your fault for their over familiarity? Again, what else could that be if not abuse?

You are right to feel angry! You should report also, it doesn't matter that it was a long time ago. Sometimes we need a while to gain perspective on situations.

I'm sorry you had to go through this OP, none of this is your fault, you said no and they shouldn't have been crossing those professional boundaries regardless of you saying no. Good luck with however you wish to proceed 💐

LadyH846 · 01/07/2023 17:52

I'm so sorry that happened to you, OP. It wasn't OK, and it wasn't your fault that it happened.

nothingcomestonothing · 01/07/2023 18:00

It was absolutely not your fault, and if you feel able, do report the therapist. That is abuse in a position of trust. Flowers

Humidititties · 01/07/2023 18:05

Babsexxx · 01/07/2023 07:16

This is sexual though that’s why your angry and bludy rightfully so! Report them! I can’t remember the last time I stroked even my closest mates under there breasts?! Sorry op but I think you don’t want to believe this was sexual I am telling you it absolutely was. Sorry op.

There was a first time?!!

Emmamoo89 · 01/07/2023 18:11

Definitely report it

Original poster
Feelinggrosstoday · 01/07/2023 18:20

There is zero point in reporting it as there are emails from us both saying we loved each other. I know it wasn't really love now, love doesn't behave like that. I was just vulnerable and very alone at the time. I used to feel like I loved her like the older sister I never had.

But the point is there is clear evidence that I wanted her love and felt love for her, so I brought it all on myself.

Even though I still feel she should not have crossed the line into touch without consent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelinggrosstoday · 01/07/2023 18:21

God, I feel excruciatingly pathetic.

OP posts:
SquirrelSoShiny · 01/07/2023 18:24

Definitely report it (assuming they were / are registered with a reputable body like BACP / NCS). The problem is anyone can call themselves a counsellor- it's not a protected term. It's a profession that can attract predators. A friend of mine went to a male counsellor many years ago who ended up having an affair with her. I would gladly have reported him but she would never tell us his surname and I've lost touch with her.

You did nothing wrong.

Centrepiece · 01/07/2023 18:26

heldinadream · 01/07/2023 06:25

Is this a male therapist with a woman client OP?

You haven't come back to respond to OP's answer. Perhaps you're at work. It's a female therapist. Does it change anything?

Centrepiece · 01/07/2023 18:30

It's so sad that this has been years and she got off without any consequences. I doubt anything would come of it now unless she's had other reports about her. She could easily deny it but report the incident still because you never know.

Original poster
Feelinggrosstoday · 01/07/2023 18:31

She was very qualified with good credentials which was why I ignored my own alarm bells ringing at first. Because she was the educated professional, and I was being told I needed to do x y z and I was very resistant to her attempts to care for me and do her job.

I knew nothing about how therapy should work and I trusted her.

OP posts:
Custardonthehob · 01/07/2023 18:31

I see those emails differently. I don't see them as evidence of you consenting. I see them as evidence of her wrong doing.

Manicpixidreamgirl · 01/07/2023 18:32

It is absolutely worth reporting. She had a duty of care to you, which she abused. Doesn’t matter of the feelings we’re reciprocated. She had a power over as your therapist and used to to her own end.
I am sorry this happened to you. But please help stop her abusing someone else.

Centrepiece · 01/07/2023 18:34

Feelinggrosstoday · 01/07/2023 18:31

She was very qualified with good credentials which was why I ignored my own alarm bells ringing at first. Because she was the educated professional, and I was being told I needed to do x y z and I was very resistant to her attempts to care for me and do her job.

I knew nothing about how therapy should work and I trusted her.

So sorry this happened to you. It's understandable that you felt the way you did.

nothingcomestonothing · 01/07/2023 18:36

Feelinggrosstoday · 01/07/2023 18:20

There is zero point in reporting it as there are emails from us both saying we loved each other. I know it wasn't really love now, love doesn't behave like that. I was just vulnerable and very alone at the time. I used to feel like I loved her like the older sister I never had.

But the point is there is clear evidence that I wanted her love and felt love for her, so I brought it all on myself.

Even though I still feel she should not have crossed the line into touch without consent.

OP those emails are proof she crossed boundaries, not proof you brought it on yourself, you did not. Whatever you did, she was the professional and she should have behaved professionally. You did not cause this, this is her fault, not yours.

Original poster
Feelinggrosstoday · 01/07/2023 19:36

Cognitively I know it wasn't really my fault, I think there should have been no touching.

Emotionally it is hard to accept all of it it wasn't my fault, and that has to do with the reasons I went to therapy in the first place.

OP posts:
alwaysmovingforwards · 01/07/2023 19:49

That's some serious malpractice.

InTheMiddleOfIt · 01/07/2023 19:51

What type of therapist and what type of 'credentials'?

Original poster
Feelinggrosstoday · 01/07/2023 20:17

InTheMiddleOfIt · 01/07/2023 19:51

What type of therapist and what type of 'credentials'?

A licensed clinical psychologist, with many additional qualifications in psychodynamic psychotherapy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelinggrosstoday · 01/07/2023 20:18

InTheMiddleOfIt · 01/07/2023 19:51

What type of therapist and what type of 'credentials'?

Why did you put quotation marks around the word credentials?

Is it because you do not believe me?

OP posts:
Newnamenewname109870 · 01/07/2023 20:20

Feelinggrosstoday · 01/07/2023 17:41

Thank you.

I am angry, but also feel a bit embarrassed and guilty as it seems like it was my fault. She would say her boundaries were really poor with me and it wasn't like that with others and get quite aggressive, like it was my fault. Almost like "look what you made me do".

Now I do understand logically it wasn't my fault, it was her responsibility to maintain her own boundaries and not do unprofessionals stuff but it really fucked with my head.

It makes me sad and embarrassed that when I was trying to get help with the issue that originally brought me into therapy, I wasn't treated with respect and dignity.

She said that!?! She is not a proper therapist I can’t believe she did this to you. You have a right to be very angry.

Tippexy · 01/07/2023 20:20

Feelinggrosstoday · 01/07/2023 20:18

Why did you put quotation marks around the word credentials?

Is it because you do not believe me?

Show quote history

No, it’s implying that the qualified therapist was nothing of the sort.

Newnamenewname109870 · 01/07/2023 20:21

Feelinggrosstoday · 01/07/2023 20:17

A licensed clinical psychologist, with many additional qualifications in psychodynamic psychotherapy.

Show quote history

This is so worrying. Even what she said is so wrong.

Original poster
Feelinggrosstoday · 01/07/2023 20:24

No, it’s implying that the qualified therapist was nothing of the sort.

The academic and professional qualifications were genuine, though.

OP posts:
shivermetimbers77 · 01/07/2023 20:34

Oh my god OP, You definitely need to report her! The emails are not proof of consent, the power differential between a therapist and client is such that there can be no consent for sexual behaviour, much like a teacher and pupil/ doctor and patient . If she is still a practicing clinical psychologist then she will be regulated by the HCPC. You can make a report to them and they will investigate. Details below: https://www.hcpc-uk.org/concerns/raising-concerns/.

Fitness to practise - How to raise a concern / make a complaint about a health and care professional

Information on how to raise a concern and / or make a complaint about a health and care professional on our Register

https://www.hcpc-uk.org/concerns/raising-concerns/