to feel unhappy about increasingly responsibility for aged pil?

[gramercy]

Pil are in their 80s, and have suddenly gone very downhill. Fil can no longer drive, and they are finding it increasingly difficult to manage.

Dh is going to see them twice and week and cooking them a meal (round trip 50 miles - plus he has a long commute and a very long day).

Dh has two brothers who live nearer and both work from home, but they have abdicated all responsibility and say they're too busy to get involved.

The real trouble is that the pil aren't really very nice. It's a real case of "as ye sew so shall ye reap" in that they have never helped their children, shown little interest in the grandchildren (I don't think they'd even recognise dd) and have been thoroughly self-absorbed.

I know morally we should supply more help, but I just can't help grinding my teeth and thinking that they don't deserve dh's efforts.

Why dont you get in touch with Social Services/Help the Aged etc etc to see what help they are entitled to. Meals on wheels for example is one option, even if you were to pay for it it would be cheaper than a 50 mile round trip and less stressful. Your DH could even approach his brothers with regard to contributing. I know my Aunt had a specific amount of money each week allocated to her to spend as she saw fit, ie someone to do the shopping, cleaning etc. Your present situation is untenable in the long term as they will only get worse and require more and more help. It is probably not a bad thing to start looking at sheltered accommodation.

We are just at this point and pils are in mid to late 70s. It just suddenly happened with planned and unplanned surgery having effects, and possible dementia and the return potentially of dfil's cancer added into the mix. We are not in the UK, so dh's brother and his wife are picking up the slack. We get back when we can, and do longish stints and have just sorted out their travel to get here for Christmas so dbil and his family can have a complete break.

I feel bad that we are abroad, but even if we were in the UK, we live 3.5 hours away, and I would be working, so would have to go at weekends. We also can't stay at pils at present so it costs £180 for hotel for 3 nights and 8 hours travel to and the same from, so it ain't cheap or easy.

YANBU and you have my sympathy.

I think sheltered accommodation or assisted living is inevitable soon.

But mil goes CRAZY if anyone dares to suggest any help. And daughters-in-law are absolutely not permitted to have any opinion. I did go over and change all the bedding and take away washing, but mil was not happy about it and was visibly restraining herself from losing her temper with me.

I'm afraid DHs 2 brothers can't abdicate all responsibility.......they are their parents too and the responsibility for them should not rest with DH alone. I guess the 3 brothers should meet up and come up with a plan.......whether it be meals on wheels or whatever. Can your DH put his foot down with his brothers and make them realise how unfair they are being? They need to share the load.

The saying is 'you can't pick your relatives'. Closely followed by 'blood is thicker than water'. If they need help in their home you could try to contact local support services and see if there's anything they can do. If the in-laws really are in a bad way then maybe it's time to start looking at a more permanent arrangement for care.... and his brothers might be more motivated to shift themselves if that were the case.

Treacle is thicker than blood, I don't think these trite sayings really mean anything.
I agree your husband has to try and get his brothers more involved but if they refuse then he has to decide how much time he's willing to commit and stick to it. Elderly relatives who should be in sheltered housing and are selfish will push their younger relatives to the limit to get their own way sometimes. The only way the younger ones can stay healthy and sane is to mentally set a limit on what they will do and refuse to do more so sicial services have to fill the gap/ the older relatives realise they need more help and their families won't do everything they want.

All my sympathies, and I do hope that you can come up with more help from social services. They do tend to assume that family can and will cope until informed of the contrary, so the sooner you start on them the better.

You need to request a care assessment for them, and be absolutely honest about what their abilities are, and also how much you can realistically help given distance and other commitments. There are all sorts of allownaces they can claim (attendance allowance is especially helpful - it is not means tested and is intended to help pay for the sort of help that they could well need).

One other hint - make sure that your husband is there for the assessment - denial is a very common feature of this stage, especially to anyone who looks 'official'. So the social worker will ask 'Can you do so-and-so?' to which the PIL say 'of course I can' so that need isn't registered. My wheelchair bound father once told a doctor he could walk 20 miles on this basis!

Good luck - it is a horrible time, and all the tougher if family links are strained anyway due to the prior behaviour of the person needing help.

Problem is Rebecca that getting Social services help is very difficult, and you have to be means tested for much of it.

Also, and I am very conscious of this with my pils, just because your body is ageing it doesn't mean that you've lost your mental faculties, and I would greatly resent being told I must do x or y because I was elderly, so I think they do too. I want my pils to stay in their house as long as possible, as it is better for them, if not for us.

I think it is hard for them coming to terms with the increasing dependence on others, and how they are ignored in the decision making process about their lives, and that has to be managed, rather than just labelling them selfish.

Thanks for advice. Dh can't face squaring up to his brothers. Fil was in hospital recently for several weeks and the eldest brother did not visit once. His argument is that he has spent thousands of pounds on therapy because of his parents' treatment of him, but my argument that his abdication of involvement impacts on dh and our family (dh went over every night to see fil/mil at vast petrol as well as time expense).

To be honest, I can see why your BIL might not want to be involved if his parents damaged him so much he had to have therapy.....

But your DH has a choice regarding his parents, as does his brother. The brother has decided not to help while your DH has decided to help. And if BIL has spent time in therapy because of his parents I can see why he's made his choice.

If your PIL are refusing help from outside agencies, and are horrible to you when you try to help, I can completely understand why the brothers want nothing to do with them.

Ok, so eldest brother is absolved, but dh's middle brother has had the most (not a lot!) help from the pil, and they have always favoured him, and even he has made himself scarce.

Sil even rang dh at work out of the blue (dh was astounded) and told him in no uncertain terms that they were busy people and could not be involved. Dh never argues with his family and tries to keep the peace and then we end up arguing because he knows he's been weak. Grrrrrr.

If they have been poor, unsupportive parents/grandparents you owe them nothing.

Your husband sounds like a very kind and conscientious person, and he shouldn't feel that he needs to do any more. I have met lots of lovely people whose children do absolutely nothing for them, so your unlovely PILs are doing pretty well!

For you own sanity write off your husband's brothers. I can appreciate that you'd like them to share the load, but if their relationships with your PILs have broken down completely they can hardly be expected to start going round with casseroles.

Don't let your husband take on any more responsibility for them, doesn't sound like they deserve any more from him. Caring for frail elderly people is demanding enough when they are lovely people. He should be proud of himself for being such a fab son.

(Just to be clear, I'm not an OAP hater! I am fully prepared to care for my own parents/PILs if needs be, but they are loving supportive parents/PILs, it's very different.)

Its a horrible situation Gramercy.

I'm going to play devils advocate here. Your bil may be right.

I'm sorry but the alarm bells are ringing somewhat. Its not that I think people should abandon their relatives, I dont. But it also depends on the family situation and what you feel able to do, or want to do. Especially when the relationships are tense.

The alarm bells are ringing because they are saying that they do not want to move but are not coping by themselves. If your dh keeps propping them up they will continue to think they can cope. So that when people ask how they are coping the answer will be "no problems, our son is very supportive does all the cooking. Gramercy. does our cleaning."
Consequently they never accept any help and you get lumbered with an ever increasing workload.

Unfortunately I've seen this happen too often.

Awful situation. What a lovely kind hearted dh you have. His parents are very lucky that one of their dc has stuck around. If your BIL has spent years in therapy, then I can understand his need to stay away from them. Clearly he doesn't want to trigger anything that might set him back.

However that doesnt help you very much does it? I think you need to explore what support is available to them. You can't continue like this.

I can't get over your MIL being so angry at you for doing their laundry! Bloody Hell.

I think sometimes it's a case of encouraging old people to see that it's a case of "better to bend, lest you break", so better to compromise on having paid help that enables you to stay in your own home than ending up in hospital and SS making the decision that you cannot live alone anymore and ship you off to rest/nursing home.

(happened to elderly neighbours- my mum did everything in her power to arrange carers/ meals on wheels/ cleaner etc but they would have none of it- just wouldnt let them in- and it was harder because mum obviously not a relative although closest thing they had to one).

I know some old people don't want to take help as they say "oh I dont want to spend the money I was going to leave you" but if they end up in a home they'l spend all that and more.

It's hard. Best of luck sorting it out.