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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed that our nanny did not change DS's nappy

68 replies

Gangle · 07/07/2010 21:29

We have a nanny share for DS2, 2 years. We share with another family with a toddler of the same age. I've had various gripes/issues with the nanny and the share, most of which I've let go but the latest problem is driving me mad. The share used to be based 3 days at our house, 2 days at the other family's but, as the other family are having building works to their house, the share is now based at our house 5 days. I'm on maternity leave with DS2, 3 months, and finding it difficult to deal with the constant noise and mess of having 2 toddlers at our house. The nanny is generally good but very messy and I find I am constantly cleaning up after her. In addition, I think it's a bit unfair that we're picking up the cost of all food, milk, wipes, nappies etc. The other family send across 2 meals a week and pay for the kitty which is around £12 per week so although they are doing something it's far from an even split. Anyway, the nanny has always seemed to the favour the other child/family more than us. The latest example of this is that I've noticed she always changes the other toddler's nappy just before hometime but not DS's And no, it's not because the other child has had a poo. I have watched her do it 2 days in a row then finally said today, can you please change DS's nappy too, which she then did. They are our friggin nappies as well!! Today she picked up the other child and said, oh you have had a big wee, though how she knew that without checking I don't know. She didn't check DS's nappy at the same time. My mum was staying last week and also picked up on this. AIBU to be pissed off and should I say something to her?

OP posts:

OTTMummA · 07/07/2010 21:33

yes you should, just say, she may not know she is doing this, but still just mention it.

Al1son · 07/07/2010 21:36

Maybe the other mum has raised it with her in the past and you just need to do the same.

I would be a bit PO with her. She does sound a bit lazy. She should be tidying up - not you.

clare458 · 07/07/2010 21:37

I think the real issue is with the other family taking advantage. Fair enough they are having building work done but you are on maternity leave with a 3 month old. They should be at least providing their childs food, nappies etc. Do you think she changes the other childs nappy because the parents aren't there?

Original poster

Gangle · 07/07/2010 21:38

That's what I thought Alison, though I'm not aware of her doing this. Just really riles that we are paying for everything, inc those nappies, and the other child always arrives needing a nappy change and always has one just before leaving. It's like she's been tipped off by the other family to get as much out of us as possible!

OP posts:

dinkystinky · 07/07/2010 21:44

The real issue here seems to be the other family taking the mickey - they should provide, or pay for, their child's nappies, wipes and food. Its just not fair on you. And when on earth are these building works going to finish?

Have a word with the nanny about the nappies - she should be treating both toddlers equally and so if routinely changing one, should do so for the other. Same with snacks, reading time etc.

bridewolf · 07/07/2010 21:52

you can, every child needs to be changed, and its easy to spot when a nappy is full of urine........it bulges in the front....
does nanny do all nappy changes for both families all day, or is there some sort of confusion going on if you/grandmother do it occasionally?

you can ask for nappies to be changed at certain times every day, a timetable of sorts, which nanny can follow.

how many children does nanny have care of each day?
just two toddlers? does she look after baby as well?
toddlers are messy and do need to be watched all the time....so it is hard to keep on top of things sometimes.

if your child is not recieving the same standard of love and care from nanny, this is a serious issue, are you sure this is the case? sure that differing personalites of child mean that nanny is changing her attention/methods/ distraction/play for each childs needs?
for isntance, is she just making sure that other child isnt running off and breaking something in your home?

if you come to that conclusion you may need to find another form of childcare./another nanny.

what are both households 'rules' very different?
does nanny plan outings/ games/craft/ cookery or other fun times for both children? does she have that freedoom?
is she trapped in house with grandmother and you watching her cope?

but really you need to sort out the other family not paying their way. and i do hope this is a very shoot term thing.
this is not your nannys fault, so dont put resent your nanny for this...

also, having been a nanny share in the dark ages, before my own kids, i can remember the trouble i had keeping two sets of parents happy, and their own rules , values and concerns....add extra grandmother, and all those adults watching her cope with two families kids........not an easy job.

also, for you , at home with new baby you are bound to feel worn out, i think the other family are taking too much for granted by you having extra kids in your home, when you need to recover from childbirth,etc. its stressful, sleep deprived time, with wobbly hormones.

Original poster

Gangle · 07/07/2010 22:04

The other child was wearing trousers so not sure how she spotted that the nappy was bulging with wee. As far as I'm aware, they were both changed after their afternoon nap at 2.30 and should have been changed again at the same time a few hours later unless one of them had had a poo in between. My mum was only staying a few days and there was certainly no confusion over her having done it instead. I've observed over a few days and there is a pattern - she always changes the other child just before home time but not DS. Nanny has immense freedom to come and go, plan activities etc and has v limited duties - only cooks one meal a day (usually v simple like scrambled eggs, pasta), no washing/laundry, doesn't tidy rooms etc. She is paid £500 a week NET.

OP posts:

Original poster

Gangle · 07/07/2010 22:06

She just looks after the two toddlers not the baby although is happy to watch the baby whilst I have a shower, have a nap etc.

OP posts:

maryz · 07/07/2010 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Gangle · 07/07/2010 22:16

The other child lives 2 streets away so hardly has a long journey home requiring a new nappy!

OP posts:

GlastonburyGoddess · 07/07/2010 22:21

I think its disgusting the other family are expecting you to fork out for stuff-this needs to be adressed immediately IMVHO. either they pay for meals or provide meals to be heated at your house. As for the nappies, why cant they buy a pack plus wet wipes to be left at your house, until they run out? They are seriously taking the piss.

pigletmania · 07/07/2010 22:27

I agree with Glastonbury and others, why the hell are you paying for food, nappies and wipes. They should be paying for their childs things not you. At nursery you would have to provide this, and its only fair they should. I would address this asap.

Original poster

Gangle · 07/07/2010 22:29

Will I not look mean/petty if I raise the issue of nappies and wipes?

OP posts:

ShirleyKnot · 07/07/2010 22:30

Have I read this right? The "sharing" family are paying you 12 quid a week and sending 2 hot meals a week?

12 quid?

UH, well they should be sending their child with enough nappies for the day for a start off - what is the £12 kitty for? (presumably not nappies and wipes and food?)

£12 over 5 days is £3.00 / day - what is this FOR? I think prisoners get more money than this per week.

Foot down time.

Original poster

Gangle · 07/07/2010 22:32

It's the entrance fee to the 2 or 3 playgroups they go to in the week. Oh dear, I've had a sneaking suspicion for a long time that I'm being ripped off but haven't said anything for fear of rocking the boat.

OP posts:

SloanyPony · 07/07/2010 22:33

I suspect she's changing the nappy as she sees returning the child as "handover". Handing it back in a "fit" state. Whereas your child is already home. Its not right - but she thinks of it that way.

PeedOffWithNits · 07/07/2010 22:34

is other toddler a girl or boy?

not that it makes any difference but just looking for a reason why she favours one over the other

Original poster

Gangle · 07/07/2010 22:34

I should add that they even wanted to use our house to host their DS whilst we were on holiday the other week and were put out when I said no as i didn't want them here in our absence, creating a mess, using our nappies etc as they undoubtedly would have done. The nanny also picks up their DS 15 mins earlier and drops him back to them, leaving 10 minute earlier so they effectively get 20-30 minutes more each day.

OP posts:

Original poster

Gangle · 07/07/2010 22:35

Other child is a boy, same age.

OP posts:

MoonUnitAlpha · 07/07/2010 22:35

Are the other family rather more demanding than you? Maybe they have told the nanny they expect their child returned in a fresh nappy.

PeedOffWithNits · 07/07/2010 22:36

Oh, and I am astounded that they do not even have the common decency to send each days nappies etc out with their DC

CarGirl · 07/07/2010 22:36

can't you send a text/note and ask them to drop off a couple of packs of nappies and wipes at your house over the weekend as you're running out.

PeedOffWithNits · 07/07/2010 22:37

at them wanting to use your house while you were away.

they have some nerve!!

They need putting straight!

Original poster

Gangle · 07/07/2010 22:39

Was going to do just that CarGirl but still concerned that the nanny is favouring their son and that this needs to be addressed, especially as we were going to have her look after DS2.

OP posts:

EightiesChick · 07/07/2010 22:40

Agree about the nappies, wipes etc. Ring them asap and start with some joke about how post-baby brain has meant you've "only just noticed but..." and then say their DC isn't coming with any nappies, milk etc and can they send some over tomorrow please? That is a blatant instance of taking advantage.

The nanny works for you, don't forget. So also have a word there about your DS being changed each time when the other child is.

How long are their building works going on for? Will they end any time soon? I would be tempted to find that your younger DS is suddenly becoming a very variable sleeper and that all the noise from the other DC in the house is causing him problems, so unfortunately you can't have them at your house 5 days a week anymore...

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