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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed that our nanny did not change DS's nappy

68 replies

Gangle · 07/07/2010 21:29

We have a nanny share for DS2, 2 years. We share with another family with a toddler of the same age. I've had various gripes/issues with the nanny and the share, most of which I've let go but the latest problem is driving me mad. The share used to be based 3 days at our house, 2 days at the other family's but, as the other family are having building works to their house, the share is now based at our house 5 days. I'm on maternity leave with DS2, 3 months, and finding it difficult to deal with the constant noise and mess of having 2 toddlers at our house. The nanny is generally good but very messy and I find I am constantly cleaning up after her. In addition, I think it's a bit unfair that we're picking up the cost of all food, milk, wipes, nappies etc. The other family send across 2 meals a week and pay for the kitty which is around £12 per week so although they are doing something it's far from an even split. Anyway, the nanny has always seemed to the favour the other child/family more than us. The latest example of this is that I've noticed she always changes the other toddler's nappy just before hometime but not DS's And no, it's not because the other child has had a poo. I have watched her do it 2 days in a row then finally said today, can you please change DS's nappy too, which she then did. They are our friggin nappies as well!! Today she picked up the other child and said, oh you have had a big wee, though how she knew that without checking I don't know. She didn't check DS's nappy at the same time. My mum was staying last week and also picked up on this. AIBU to be pissed off and should I say something to her?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 07/07/2010 23:36

STG, even when I was a paralegal, some of the more spineless attorney bosses I had would use me to sack companies/vendors/people or put them on written warning, final warning, etc.

My grandfather used to say I should have been born a man .

Original poster

Gangle · 07/07/2010 23:38

Thanks Expat and StayingDavid. My mum witnessed it and was horrified. It was also the nanny who was trying to come to our house whilst we were away. She said, oh, well I think I'll bring X here to sleep/play whilst you're away. We were horrified! Ended up asking for her key back to give to the neighbour to feed the cat so she couldn't but beyond belief that she assumed she could just use our house and its provisions when we weren't here. Have already given her notice but if we pay her a retainer then she will still be construed as our employee so need to rethink that. Expat, agree that we should be able to find another French speaker without too much trouble.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 07/07/2010 23:41

Oh, FFS, don't give her a retainer! She's as bad as the other family for piss taking and she's not exactly underpaid.

Get Jean-Pierre or Rene-Charles or whoever your husband is to tell her 'au revoir pour toujours' if you can't.

As for this other family, well, again, you owe them nothing. In fact, they owe you nappies, wipes, milk, food, etc.

To hell with them!

They can try their luck finding someone else to freeload from.

Original poster

Gangle · 07/07/2010 23:42

Expat, I admire your guts. DH is out of the picture at the moment (he moved abroad a few months ago which is where we are headed) so it will have to be me. Will probably do it in a less confrontational way (just say we're not sure of our plans etc) but at least I am now clear that the arrangement needs to end.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 07/07/2010 23:42

These people are parasites. And it's infringing on your enjoyment of your life.

expatinscotland · 07/07/2010 23:44

You don't have to be confrontational. But don't waffle or say it's not clear.

Just a, 'Well, I've spoken to Mr Gangle. He thinks it's better if we have a clean break. So after we leave, this will be us finished.'

LadyBiscuit · 07/07/2010 23:45

I agree with everything expat says. I'm sure lots of us will be happy to help draft a letter if needed

expatinscotland · 07/07/2010 23:48

You can make it sound like it is Mr Gangle's idea if that helps stiffen your resolve .

My fav line was always, 'Well, today I'm here to inform you that this arrangement isn't working out. It's been decided by X (or XYZ) that your employment/contract . . . '

Don't apologise, either. There's nothing to be sorry about.

You've given notice, she's lazy, the other family are piss-takers.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 07/07/2010 23:49

I nominate you for the Mumsnet SWAT team, expat!

expatinscotland · 07/07/2010 23:53

You can use someone else to sort of pin the blame . Also, make a list of all the reasons why it's over. In case the nanny or other family counter, you have your little list to back you up if you draw a blank.

No arguing. If they try to interrupt your list, after they asked for clarification, put up your hand in 'talk to the hand mode' and carry on speaking. If they continue to sputter, break in when they pause to say, 'Your interruptions verify our/my/XYZ's concerns.'

It's even better if there is a camera in the room. You just look up pointedly at it.

ChippingIn · 08/07/2010 00:22

Gangle, you said 'The nanny is generally good but very messy and I find I am constantly cleaning up after her'. Now you are saying you don't - which is it?

Other than her changing the other little boys nappy at the end of the day, this was the only gripe you had about the nanny in your OP.... now you are posting by stealth.

Sorry, I can't remember who asked me - but no I wouldn't do it, I'd sooner earn a little less money and work for one family! OR earn the same money with two families that get on!

& to whoever said that the OP should get a new nanny and that she's offering good money - you don't know what she would be able/willing to pay a nanny without the other family paying half her wages?!

Gangle - if your nanny is crap and your share parents are taking the pee, then it's a no-brainer isn't it??

Original poster

Gangle · 08/07/2010 09:34

ChippingIN, the nanny is generally good in her day to day care of the boys which is the most important thing - I have never had any concerns for DS's well being. She is also very helpful with DS2. I said in my OP that we had other gripes we her and the share. Our nanny actually wanted to do a share rather than look after just one child. I think, as others have said, the nanny is not the issue, it's the other family.

OP posts:

SloanyPony · 08/07/2010 10:06

I'm not sure why they are round all the time to be honest. Its summer. I'd be encouraging her to take the toddlers out. Soft play. Zoo. Park. Picnic lunch somewhere (instead of messing your kitchen). Library. A lot of these activities are free.

Tell her you dont want to see her until at least 3-4 hours has passed!

Regardless of who is at fault (family or nanny), if she's in your house that day, you can boss her around a bit. If the other family say they dont want their child going to said activities, then the only other alternative is to have them in their house. Its preferable to a house with building works!

I understand why they cant really be based in a house with building works with 2 toddlers. Sort the nappy thing ASAP, implement them going out, and give her notice if you feel that's the only way but for hells sake make sure things improve in the time between now and when the arragement comes to an end.

majafa · 08/07/2010 11:20

I really do think you and possibly hubbie (for back up?) need to have a word face to face with the other parents and let them know whats what, they're taking you for a ride.
As for Nanny, Well I think prehaps she needs a gentle kick up the backside, I know you shouldnt have to but could you put a comphrehensive list in the kitchen or somwhere she see's it daily, of the things that need to be done during the day.
Just my thoughts on the subject

zoelikesjam · 08/07/2010 12:01

Gangle, have you not thought about a nursery? Am i correct in thinking this nanny is costing you 250 squid a week? Surely a nursery for DS would cost that full time? I know our nursery is £30 a day from 8-6pm...x5 days thats just £150 so you'd be saving money, and know that son is very well looked after.

I feel for you and i really think you should sack her off and tell the other family they are out of order. Not easy to do i know, i probably wouldnt be able to do it as i hate confrontations! Good luck x

Morloth · 08/07/2010 12:17

I agree with expat, stop being such a doormat. This isn't working for you.

Give the Nanny notice and look for a new one and don't share next time.

Agree that nursery might be a better option for DS1 it will mean he is out of the house, giving you a breather and him some great social interaction (they also do crafts and shit so you don't have to have the mess at home).

iwanttodoit · 08/07/2010 12:22

I used to do a nanny share. There were quibbles between the parents over oney but was kept from me.

You need a new nanny.

This other family are leeches.

MoonUnitAlpha · 08/07/2010 15:39

Why are you giving the nanny a retainer? Surely you don't want to continue the arrangement?

Recruit again for someone who will actually do their job when you get back from abroad.

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