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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed that our nanny did not change DS's nappy

68 replies

Gangle · 07/07/2010 21:29

We have a nanny share for DS2, 2 years. We share with another family with a toddler of the same age. I've had various gripes/issues with the nanny and the share, most of which I've let go but the latest problem is driving me mad. The share used to be based 3 days at our house, 2 days at the other family's but, as the other family are having building works to their house, the share is now based at our house 5 days. I'm on maternity leave with DS2, 3 months, and finding it difficult to deal with the constant noise and mess of having 2 toddlers at our house. The nanny is generally good but very messy and I find I am constantly cleaning up after her. In addition, I think it's a bit unfair that we're picking up the cost of all food, milk, wipes, nappies etc. The other family send across 2 meals a week and pay for the kitty which is around £12 per week so although they are doing something it's far from an even split. Anyway, the nanny has always seemed to the favour the other child/family more than us. The latest example of this is that I've noticed she always changes the other toddler's nappy just before hometime but not DS's And no, it's not because the other child has had a poo. I have watched her do it 2 days in a row then finally said today, can you please change DS's nappy too, which she then did. They are our friggin nappies as well!! Today she picked up the other child and said, oh you have had a big wee, though how she knew that without checking I don't know. She didn't check DS's nappy at the same time. My mum was staying last week and also picked up on this. AIBU to be pissed off and should I say something to her?

OP posts:

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 07/07/2010 22:42

New nanny time.

ShirleyKnot · 07/07/2010 22:42

Right Gangle...

You know sometimes you think..."Hang on...I think someone is taking the piss here, but I'm not quite sure, best leave it, don't make a fuss..."

But inside your guts are churning and you can't sleep properly and every little tiny thing becomes really noticeable until you scream "I HATE YOU ALL, YOU PARASITES!" You know that thing? (I do it too)

You're doing that thing

So. Tomorrow morning you say "hey leeches nanny sharers! I've noticed that you've been forgetting the wipes and nappies lately! I've let nanny use ours so far, but could you make sure that baby has enough tomorrow? Also just a quick thing about the food, I've noticed that there's been nothing coming over for baby? I've been feeding him, but not sure he likes it can you make sure there's something for baby to eat in the bag too?.......

DO NOT FILL UP SILENCE>
"

Look, if it all goes awry? big fricking deal. They're a pain in the tubes anyway.

Ronaldinhio · 07/07/2010 22:44

that is a genius post shirl

Bluebell99 · 07/07/2010 22:44

Why don't you just look after your own toddler and baby whilst you are on maternity leave, and look for another childcare solution for when you go back to work? This nanny share is not working for you, and you are allowing small things to mount up and bother you. Lots of people manage to look after a baby and toddler without any help.

ShirleyKnot · 07/07/2010 22:45

Oh and as to the favouring thing?

As I say, it sounds like the other family have more brass than Blackpool so are probably MUCH more demanding and shit

Talk to Nanny too...do it tomorrow. Don't let it fester.

CarGirl · 07/07/2010 22:45

It may well be time to think through whether the nanny share is working or not but I'd sort out the nappy etc stuff straight away and give yourself time to think about what you want for the future.

Original poster

Gangle · 07/07/2010 22:51

CarGirl, I am going abroad at the end of the month for the rest of my maternity leave so will be looking after both children without help. Have arguably not needed help over the last few weeks now DS2 is 3 months, was more of a luxury, but again, didn't want to leave them in the lurch as if I back out then other family need to find new arrangements. The other mother is pregnant too, due in a few weeks, and they wanted us to share nanny for the younger DCs so I was going to pay the nanny a retainer each month until January when I go back to work. Maybe not!

OP posts:

EightiesChick · 07/07/2010 22:51

Having now read the post about the holiday request I'd say you either a) need to get MUCH more assertive, or b) look for a new nanny arrangement. Definitely taking the piss. But deal with the nappy issue first and then work through how you'll deal with the rest of it. Anne Dickson's books are good for techniques on being assertive not agressive if this is something you struggle with (it is for me and the books have helped)

MoonUnitAlpha · 07/07/2010 22:54

Is the nanny really favouring the other child, or could your resentment of the other family be clouding your view of things?

Seems odd to me that the nanny would blatantly favour one child when the other child's mother is in the house, especially if you're planning to continue employing her.

ChippingIn · 07/07/2010 22:59

Gangle - to be honest, I really think this is largely about the 'share' family. They are taking the piss and you (not your nanny) are letting them. Your nanny is stuck in a postion that I do not envy - that of trying to keep two sets of parents happy - it's hard enough as a nanny to keep one set of parents happy at times! You are letting them use your house, you are tolerating the nappies/wipes/milk situation, you are tolerating the extra 1/2 hour, you are tolerating the kitty situation, you are tolerating the meals situation - YOU not your nanny.

The share family should be at least providing nappies, wipes, milk, snacks etc for their child and as you are hosting all of the share because of their building works (not necessary IMO - nannies not in a share cope! However, it is easier not to have to cope, so if you were working I would think this was a much better solution, but as you are at home on maternity leave, it's not a better solution for you! How long has this been going on for and how much longer have you agreed to do this for??) they should be going out of their way to make sure this is not costing you more money. They aren't - once again, nothing to do with your nanny.

As for your nanny - they have probably just asked her to bring him home with a clean nappy on (please stop seeing a conspiracy against you - it wont help you). Disposables don't need changing that often and if your DS is about to go in the bath (making an assumption here!!) what would be the point in changing him? IF he needs changing at that time, then ask her to do so. As for tidying up, maybe if you left her to it, she would tidy up at the end of the day or when the boys are otherwise amused - if you chase around after her tidying up, you aren't giving her the chance to do it.

Don't underestimate how hard it is for a nanny in a nanny share, let alone one who is also dealing with having a Mum home on maternity leave. You'd have to pay me more than £500 net pw to deal with all of this!

Original poster

Gangle · 07/07/2010 23:08

ChippingIn, you don't know what you are talking about. I give her as much space as possible, certainly don't run after her and do my cleaning up once she has left for the day. She has a pretty easy job, manages to spend 1.5 hours reading a book on the sofa over lunch whilst boys nap despite there being food all over the kitchen floor and the washing up not done properly - I'm averaging 3 hours sleep a night as I have a toddler waking in the night and a 3 month old who takes 2 hours to settle then wakes every few hours. I HAVE made it very clear to the nanny and the other family that I am finding it difficult with the toddlers there 5 days a week but was told there was no other option and I am hardly going to ban my own child from my house. Also, I did raise concerns with my nanny previously after we seemed to be paying the kitty every week and the other family weren't paying anything - her response was, it doesn't matter who pays! I have also felt unable to say anything because she is in my home all day and I don't want to create an atmosphere. Please don't try to make me feel sorry for the nanny in all of this.

OP posts:

MoonUnitAlpha · 07/07/2010 23:10

The kitty is surely an issue to raise with the other parents, not the nanny - it doesn't make a difference to her who pays what.

If she's sitting on her bum reading while the kitchen is a mess, why aren't you telling her to clean up? Or handing her the baby while you go to bed?

expatinscotland · 07/07/2010 23:13

'but again, didn't want to leave them in the lurch as if I back out then other family need to find new arrangements. The other mother is pregnant too, due in a few weeks, and they wanted us to share nanny for the younger DCs so I was going to pay the nanny a retainer each month until January when I go back to work. '

You need to change your username to 'Doormat'.

Their childcare arrangment is their problem, not yours.

It's not your problem she's pregnant, leaving them in a lurch, etc. They're a share family, not your nearest relative or your charity sponsor child.

And they are piss tackers.

So fuck 'em!

Tell them to stump up or get knotted.

Who gives a toss what they think, they're not your friends and relatives.

If they don't like it, they can make new childcare arrangements. You'll have plenty of time to do so, they won't.

Hard cheese all around for them.

Original poster

Gangle · 07/07/2010 23:13

I did raise it with them but had to mention it to her as she kept asking me for money and never the other family. Does she have any responsibilities in this?? I did, finally, ask her to clear up the other day and so sometimes give her the baby. I guess I would want someone to clear up without me having to ask them, especially as I have asked her to do this several times before. My point to ChippingIn was that she does have a long break most day and is hardly worked to the bone.

OP posts:

MoonUnitAlpha · 07/07/2010 23:15

Doesn't sound like the share or this particular nanny is working out for you. I'd end the arrangement when you go abroad and recruit a new nanny when you come home.

Is redundancy an issue, or can you just give a month's notice?

expatinscotland · 07/07/2010 23:16

Oh, and your nanny is lazy. She needs sacked.

'I HAVE made it very clear to the nanny and the other family that I am finding it difficult with the toddlers there 5 days a week but was told there was no other option and I am hardly going to ban my own child from my house. '

WTF?! You were told? You're a grown woman not a Y3 pupil.

Get a backbone!

No wonder Nanny and the other family take the piss.

My ex h said it best, 'If you don't police most people, they'll go ghetto.'

LadyBiscuit · 07/07/2010 23:23

You wouldn't do that for 35k a year ChippingIn? It's hardly hard graft really is it?

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 07/07/2010 23:23

Perhaps it would help if you made out a list of jobs for the nanny - including tidying up toys etc, cleaning up the kitchen after the children's lunch, changing your dc's nappy at 'home time'.

Then you need to talk to the other family and make it absolutely clear that they need to start supplying their fair share of nappies, wipes etc plus a contribution to the extra costs you have because the children are always at your house. The other mum needs to pay her share of the kitty too. Perhaps you could play hardball, and tell the nanny you don't have the cash to pay for the other child when you hand over your share of the kitty, and then she'll have to ask the other mum?

Good luck with this - it sounds very stressful indeed.

expatinscotland · 07/07/2010 23:23

'I guess I would want someone to clear up without me having to ask them, especially as I have asked her to do this several times before.'

That's like having to ask a cleaner to clean the loo.

You shouldn't have to ask. Read the nanny section on here, most do that plus all the childrens' washing/ironing.

And £500 net for live-out isn't exactly slave's wages.

Original poster

Gangle · 07/07/2010 23:26

Oh god, you're right expat, explains why I have felt so pissed off for ages. Difficult though as the nanny speaks French (DS is bilingual as DH is half French) so may not be so easy to recruit another French speaker. More important that we have a good nanny though. Cant believe I have been so spineless.

OP posts:

Original poster

Gangle · 07/07/2010 23:28

Her contract lists all her duties - she does less than 1/4 of them. Some are not relevant but have made it clear a number of times that I want the house left as she finds it - it never is.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 07/07/2010 23:29

Gangle, time is on your side. You are in the driving seat here. This other gal is pregnant, her house is a bomb site and if you give this lazy nanny notice right before you go abroad, she's in the shit, too.

You think she'd be grateful to you, go the extra mile for letting her kid use your house, etc.

Instead she's a piss taker who takes you for a ride and expects even more (Can we use your house whilst you're on holiday?).

This type of person doesn't care about others because they feel the world revolves around them and they're entitled to it all.

Well, if I lived next door to you I'd be more than happy to let her know the party's over, here's the bill, pay up!

But I don't so you have to do it.

And get another nanny. This one's lazy.

expatinscotland · 07/07/2010 23:32

One of my friends here is Scottish, her husband is French. They never had a nanny but their two children speak fluent French. Their father speaks to them in French and they spend summers there.

I think you won't have too much trouble recruiting another nanny who speaks French, especially as you're offering a good wage.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 07/07/2010 23:32

How frustrating and irritating, Gangle - I'm sorry that I don't have anything more useful or constructive to suggest. What would happen if you gave her a short, sharp bollocking about the things she's not doing? I'm not sure I could do that, though, so appreciate you might not want to either.

I really think we need a mumsnet SWAT team, who can come round and bollock people on mumsnetters' behalfs! I'd be in it - I can be very scary (just ask the boys).

expatinscotland · 07/07/2010 23:34

The alternative to her not doing that (I'd have to sack a person like this because despite being reminded of their duties they still don't do them) is to continue to be used.

How about your spouse, Gangle?

Would he be better at giving her her marching papers and/or telling this other family their con job is up?

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