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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking it is rude to bring univited people with you when you've been invited to dinner?

75 replies

follygirl · 04/07/2010 14:24

We're having dinner with some friends today. It has been in the diary for months as they are both ridiculously booked up. This morning one of my friends has just announced that some friends of hers are coming to visit her and could she bring them too? It's not as if we can really say no, and we probably won't have enough food as it's another 4 extra mouths to feed. It also kind of ruins the point as our friends will be chatting to their friends as obviously they won't know anyone and we'll basically be left as being a waitress and chef tasked with feeding them.

I may be old-fashioned but I think that if you are invited and accept, that invitation should take precedence over anything else, even if you think that something 'better' has come along.

I really feel like telling them where to go!

OP posts:
Feelingsensitive · 04/07/2010 14:27

YANBU but you need to say no. Just say you woudlnt have enough food. Very cheeky IMO.

TartyMcFarty · 04/07/2010 14:27

YANBU. Ask your friends to rearrange.

gibbberish · 04/07/2010 14:27

I think it is rude.

Can't you say you are really sorry but you have already bought the food for dinner and you won't have enough to feed an extra 4 people?

edam · 04/07/2010 14:28

That's very rude.

bbee · 04/07/2010 14:28

Tell them where to go! We have family that always did this to us. Rude rude rude. Don't put up with it I bet they would tell you straight that it wasn't on, if you did the same to them.

gibbberish · 04/07/2010 14:28

X post with feeling sensitive

thumbwitch · 04/07/2010 14:30

It is rude and YANBU. To be honest, if it were just one friend it would be an inconvenience - 4 is just taking the piss.

What on earth reason has this friend got for not putting these people off to another date?

If it were anything other than a dinner party, I would be inclined the other way and say let them come - but a dinner party is a bit different and your friends should realise that.

emsyj · 04/07/2010 14:31

They obviously feel comfortable enough to ask if it's okay to bring the friends with them, which I would feel quite chuffed about. I think 'the more the merrier' might be an appropriate thought here. It's not as if they do it every week, is it?

I do wonder if the 'friends' have arrived unannounced and put your guests in a difficult spot: they can't be rude to their own visitors and say, 'lovely to see you, but we're off out to dinner - here's a dial-a-pizza number', nor can they cancel your invitation at such short notice without being rude ('we've had a better offer' etc). They've taken a punt and decided to ask if they can come to dinner too, in the hopes that it's the least offensive solution for everyone. Give them a break.

emsyj · 04/07/2010 14:33

Oh dear, looks like I'm on my own in thinking YABU!

BecauseImWorthIt · 04/07/2010 14:33

YADNBU - that's incredibly rude. Tell them no, as you haven't catered for them. If necessary, tell them that you can't afford to cater for an extra 4 guests - make them feel really guilty!

I can't believe anyone would think that this is acceptable.

PeggysEvilTwin · 04/07/2010 14:37

My dsil arranged to come and stay with us for 4 days. Two days before her visit, she announced that 5 of her friends would be coming too. Dh put her straight on that one, in no uncertain terms.

pigletmania · 04/07/2010 14:38

YANBU at all it is rude! emsyj the op would have bought the right amount of food for the dinner party, presuming its a sit down dinner. Four extra adults is a hell of a lot and would have to do an extra shop. The friends could have declined their friends coming along. Or invite the op to their house instead.

5DollarShake · 04/07/2010 14:39

emsyj, I see what you're saying and would agree normally as am very much of 'the more the merrier' school of thought - but 4 extra people, and only telling the hosts on the day? That's unreasonable, in my book.

Greensleeves · 04/07/2010 14:39

I did this recently, we were invited to a bbq to watch the England-Germany match

I had my dad staying (he has an open invitation and turns up intermittently) and didn't want to leave him to watch the match at home alone, so I rang up my friends and asked whether it would be OK to bring him

we took sausages/fruit/beer with us to contribute

I wonder if they thought we were rude

kreecherlivesupstairs · 04/07/2010 14:39

DNBU, a friend of ours who we'd invited for dinner because another friend wanted to fuck her, arrived with her boyfriend and best friend who she proceeded to snog. to say that me and DH were not amused would be putting it mildly.

bbee · 04/07/2010 14:40

If they were suddenly landed with friends who they felt they had to include wouldn't it be better to explain/cancel/ask if they could bring something to help and I mean a decent amount of food not just extra bottle and a pudd!

qwertpoiuy · 04/07/2010 14:43

I felt sorry for my cousin who had her wedding recently. She invited a distant relation because she had to. He got a taxi to her wedding, then the driver (in his hole-y sweater and raggedy jeans) sat down for a meal at the reception - even though he was being paid a fortune for the taxi fare (110-mile journey)and he wasn't bloody invited!!! We laughed at the cheek of this man, esp as the meal cost €105 per person and my cousin had to pay it.

I could say your friend is being unreasonable to bring 4 extra people to your house, but reasonable in that she did ask you first if it was OK with you. Like a previous poster said, tell her you don't have enough food to go around.

thumbwitch · 04/07/2010 14:44

Greensleeves, that's a totally different scenario - it's a barbecue, you took your own food and drink and it was only one extra person - there is no comparison. (Unless your Dad is in fact Father Jack, in which case they might have been a tad upset)

pigletmania · 04/07/2010 14:46

Greensleves that is slightly different, it was only your dad and you bought stuff with you, there are 4 extra people here. I know things can happen but surely they could have rearranged, or offer to buy some food for the friends. The morning of the dinner part is taking the mickey really.

kitbit · 04/07/2010 14:46

We had similar recently. A friend was coming up from London and another mutual friend who hadnt seen her was coming for dinner, the idea being that they could catch up as probably wouldn't see eac other again for some time.

Mutual friend brought along his on-then-off-then-on-again girlfriend who lives near him so he sees her all the time, without asking. (There's a history of girlfriend not getting on with London friend and each keep a respectful distance knowing this). We made room and made her welcome but the entire evening was about making her feel included, which I have no problem with, but London friend didn't get to have a proper catch up with her mates, and most of the evening was smalltalk.

Was cross on her behalf, and annoyed that girlfriend drank most of the wine, broke a wine glass and a plate, and opened mouth and inserted foot a few times.

So....YANBU!!

5DollarShake · 04/07/2010 14:46

Greensleeves - totally different.

pigletmania · 04/07/2010 14:48

Surely they would have know a day or two in advance whether they are going to have people, you dont just come and stay without asking do you. If that was the case the friends should have declined their friends and tell them that they have other plans or called you asap to rearrange.

expatinscotland · 04/07/2010 14:54

'It's not as if we can really say no,'

Yeah, yeah actually you can.

'Sorry, but no. We don't have enough food for four extra people, that's unfortunate. Perhaps we can meet up again another time.'

Someone like this is rude beyond belief. And who are they, Queen Elizabeth, that they're 'ridiculously booked up.'

They sound like hard work to me.

Original poster
follygirl · 04/07/2010 14:57

I can't put too much info down in case I get outed in RL. Basically the friends have come from overseas and were supposed to be here earlier but were too tired so have only just turned up. I appreciate that our friends are in an awkward situation but I just get cross that we're always the 'good' guys who just say, yes that's fine. Our friends are a family of 4 as are these extra guests. We also have another family of 4 coming so that will now be 16 of us.
We probably do have enough food but the kids will all have to sit on the floor as I certainly can't seat 16! It's not really the point though. This is supposed to be about spending time with people we rarely see because of their hectic lives and now I'll have 4 complete strangers in my house!

I guess I'm annoyed because a similar thing happened at New Year's Eve. For about 10 years we have always celebrated with 2 other couples. Last year one of the couples said that they would be going away so it was only the 4 of us. Fine I thought and invited the other couple here with the offer of letting them put their kids down to sleep upstairs so that babysitting wasn't an issue. I of course hadn't made any arrangements. Well 3 weeks before NYE my 'friend' phoned me to say that she had been invited to a school mum's party and that she had felt bad for previously saying no to this woman so would be okay if she declined our invitation and went to this other party. As she fully knew that it would mean that we'd be celebrating it on our own I was really cross. Unfortunatley I was lying in bed with swine flu when she phoned so didn't really react.

She hasn't contacted us since and I'm in no hurry to speak to her.

OP posts:
kitbit · 04/07/2010 14:59

I think a whole family is taking the piss. An additional one when there are already quite a few is easier to accommodate.

Definitely say no, they are imposing and you'll definitely end up the unpaid waitress, as did I.