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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in thinking it is rude to bring univited people with you when you've been invited to dinner?

75 replies

follygirl · 04/07/2010 14:24

We're having dinner with some friends today. It has been in the diary for months as they are both ridiculously booked up. This morning one of my friends has just announced that some friends of hers are coming to visit her and could she bring them too? It's not as if we can really say no, and we probably won't have enough food as it's another 4 extra mouths to feed. It also kind of ruins the point as our friends will be chatting to their friends as obviously they won't know anyone and we'll basically be left as being a waitress and chef tasked with feeding them.

I may be old-fashioned but I think that if you are invited and accept, that invitation should take precedence over anything else, even if you think that something 'better' has come along.

I really feel like telling them where to go!

OP posts:

curryfreak · 04/07/2010 19:03

Rude, Rude Rude!! Tell them no. I wouldn't even give an explanation.

SpanishHarlot · 04/07/2010 19:21

They are obviously not good friends because you would just not do that to someone.

They knew of their dinner date with you before agreeing to see these other people so if you want to see them you should suggest that instead you all go out to dinner at the local restaurant that way they will have to pay for themselves.

Save your grub for the next day and get the neighbours in you will have more fun

emsyj · 04/07/2010 19:32

OK after being the lone 'YABU' voice I am returning to see your additional info OP and I think now that they are n hour late I would tentatively demote them on your priority list and perhaps not invite them round again for a long while...

SpanishHarlot's suggestion is the best one - when they arrive, grab your coat and say 'How lovely to see you [friends] and to meet all of you [uninvited guests]. Our table's booked for 8pm so we need to get a move on - [name of restaurant], see you there!'

Actually we have some 'friends' who always book a restaurant when we go there for dinner...

LittleMissHissyFit · 04/07/2010 19:38

i'd have suggested the restaurant idea too! Wonder how it's going...

Miggsie · 04/07/2010 19:39

This happened to me once, I was expecting 2 people and 7 turned up!

I ended up eating one potato and no pudding so there was enough food to go round the guests.

I was not thrilled, neither was DH who had a mini bit of steak and saw his beer drunk by the guests and their hangers-on.

Unless they come with a curry menu and 4 bottles of wine, they can piss off next time IMO.

BertieBasset · 04/07/2010 19:39

Bless you emsyj for tentatively demoting

you are so much nicer than me - i won't write my more agressive response

Katisha · 04/07/2010 19:59

Come back Follygirl and tell us how it went!
(Although you are probably still washing up...)

bibbitybobbityhat · 04/07/2010 20:08

Very sorry to say this follygirl but they are prioritising their other friends over you and so you are perhaps not as close as you thought you were. I'd let the friendship go after this. If they contact you again then they might be keen to keep things going, but I wouldn't be surprised if they don't .

SwansEatQuince · 04/07/2010 20:15

Follygirl - when they do the return invite, be 'stupidly busy' for months then turn up at their house with a group of friends.

Be late.

I'm sure they won't mind.

GeekOfTheWeek · 04/07/2010 20:26

How fucking rude.

This isn't how friends behave.

Get a backbone and tell them to piss off.

mitochondria · 04/07/2010 20:32

YANBU. They are very rude.

One or two extras, maybe. But not four, and not with no notice.

I wouldn't invite these friends round again.

mamalovesmojitos · 04/07/2010 20:45

YANBU they are out of their minds if they think this is reasonable behaviour. let this be the absolute last time you invite them over to abuse your hospitality. as an earlier poster said, there are so many people out in the world who would be honoured with an invite to dinner and never treat you so badly.

Original poster

follygirl · 04/07/2010 20:46

Well they have all finally gone. Despite being 90 minutes late they did turn up with the extra 4 friends. The other family arrived on time and raised their eyebrows when I explained what was happening so I know that they at least have manners.

It was a bbq (didn't want to go into specifics in case she comes to MN). Luckily we did have enough food but we did spend most of the time playing hostess and didn't really catch up at all.

They did bring some soft drinks and a few beers but not much else. Luckily I always over-order but still.

I am miffed and spent the first hour hiding in the kitchen as I couldn't talk to them. I am hoping that she phones and thanks me for going the extra mile, if she doesn't then I will let her know just how I feel about it.
It is a bit awkward. I couldn't just lay into them in front of their children.

At least I know that I'm not being unreasonable to feel annoyed at what happened. I am not normally a doormat but had been looking forward to seeing my friends (both sets of families). It would have been awkward explaining to the other family that I had told the 'rude' one to eff off. Well that's my feeling anyway.

Luckily we have lots of better behaved friends. I won't be repeating this again in a hurry!

OP posts:

Katisha · 04/07/2010 20:51

Ans what on earth was the reason for being 90 mins late???

Lougle · 04/07/2010 21:03

Ooooh - you didn't mention it was a BBQ

ABitTipsy · 04/07/2010 21:05

You had been looking forward to seeing your "friends". These people are not friends as real friends simply would not treat you like this.

Dump them. There are plenty of much nicer, respectful, well mannered people in this world and you deserve far better than these so called "friends".

mitochondria · 04/07/2010 21:23

I don't think a BBQ is any different to a sit down meal, if host is providing the food.
Just the method of cooking it is different.

Dollytwat · 04/07/2010 21:36

I do think you're friends have been rude to you, because she should know you better and know that you wouldn't like this.

I have a friend who wouldn't bat an eye at extended friends coming with me to hers, as I wouldn't if she asked me the same, I also know her well enough to know that she'd be an hour late (is it the same friend I wonder!).

However, I think if she'd had 4 friends at hers when she was expected at mine, she would have invited me to hers instead IYSWIM.

But I have another friend who would not like to have extra guests, but I know this, and would never do that to her.

whiteflame · 04/07/2010 21:38

well, yanbu, it was all very rude of them.

but, i do think they were slightly less rude in light of it being a bbq. they are usually much more relaxed, and can cook bits and pieces well into the evening, rather than everything ready all in one go, iyswim. can' believe they didn't contribute any meat etc though!!

UndomesticHousewife · 04/07/2010 21:52

I wouldn't want to turn up to some friend of a friend's house for these people who I have never clapped eyes on in my life to feed me and give me booze and make stilted conversation with me.

Yes your friends were being very rude (I would have at least turned up with enough food to feed the extra guests who were my friends) but the other family are very strange to actually turn up and eat your food as if they've known you for years!!!

PeedOffWithNits · 04/07/2010 21:52

if they turned up 90 mins late to my BBQ without calling to warn me they would be fed charcoal-like food!

I cannot believe how many of you have such rude friends.

a student party is one thing, the more the merrier, but a get together between familes, and they bring hangers on expecting you to feed them - OMG!!!

pigletmania · 04/07/2010 21:54

Still how rude, that would be the last time they were getting an invite imo, if you want to meet up I suggest going to a restaurant or having a pub lunch next time.

2rebecca · 04/07/2010 21:56

If a BBQ then when she rang to ask if she can bring friends you could have said "OK But you'll have to bring more meat as I'm not going shopping again and won't have enough"

pigletmania · 04/07/2010 21:58

Cant believe the audacity of some people and why you MNetters are friends with people like that. Did the other family not feel uncomfortable to go to a strangers house and eat their food and drink their booze, I know that I would! I would make sure that i came armed with food and booze.

pigletmania · 04/07/2010 21:59

I agree with 2rebecca you should have been more assertive, let that be a lesson.

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