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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in thinking it is rude to bring univited people with you when you've been invited to dinner?

75 replies

follygirl · 04/07/2010 14:24

We're having dinner with some friends today. It has been in the diary for months as they are both ridiculously booked up. This morning one of my friends has just announced that some friends of hers are coming to visit her and could she bring them too? It's not as if we can really say no, and we probably won't have enough food as it's another 4 extra mouths to feed. It also kind of ruins the point as our friends will be chatting to their friends as obviously they won't know anyone and we'll basically be left as being a waitress and chef tasked with feeding them.

I may be old-fashioned but I think that if you are invited and accept, that invitation should take precedence over anything else, even if you think that something 'better' has come along.

I really feel like telling them where to go!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 04/07/2010 15:00

'I just get cross that we're always the 'good' guys who just say, yes that's fine. '

Then stop doing it.

And when she asked, 'Is it okay?', I'd have said, 'I don't know why you're bothering to ask, since you're obviously going to do whatever you want. But, well, now that I know we'll always be second fiddle to whatever offer you get that's better, thanks for being honest. Have a nice life. Bye.'

Original poster

follygirl · 04/07/2010 15:01

The friends at NYE and these friends are not the same btw. Not sure if it was clear.

Right, they are now an hour late, am almost giving up the will to live.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 04/07/2010 15:04

Hmm, if they're that tired they should probably have an evening in by themselves to go to bed early and get over it.

It does look as though people think you're a bit of a pushover - I bet you're all nice and "oh it doesn't matter, it's fine, no really, of course it's ok" people, are you? Which is fine while you're happy with the outcomes but if you're not happy then you need to start telling people that you're not happy. And saying no.

expatinscotland · 04/07/2010 15:07

'Right, they are now an hour late, am almost giving up the will to live.'

Why are you putting up with this?

What do you get out of it?

I'd rather be on my own than have people treat me like this, because I'd never treat others like that.

They haven't even rung or texted you?

They're using you as a free restaurant.

I'd leave and tape the number for Pizza Hut on the door.

BelleDameSansMerci · 04/07/2010 15:08

Bloody hell follygirl, I hope they've turned up by now and are suitably laden with good wine and lovely flowers for you.

I think it's outrageously rude of them to just dump four additional guests on you but can see how it's happened.

Hope you end up having a great time.

Greensleeves · 04/07/2010 15:08

they are an hour late?

I agree with expat then, go out and leave an insulting note

I would probably be in tears when they arrived

expatinscotland · 04/07/2010 15:11

I mean, if you're running that late, and they're all coming together, surely it's not bother for someone to whip out a mobile and send a quick text as to what's going on?

pigletmania · 04/07/2010 15:12

Right Folley, eat up the grub, put the leftovers it away tomorrow, thats tomorrows meal sorted and go out somewhere nice. How rude, let it be the last time they are invited for lunch at yours.

Katisha · 04/07/2010 15:12

Being an hour late is adding insult to injury. MAJOR piss take. So rude.

StayFrosty · 04/07/2010 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 04/07/2010 15:14

It is politeness and courtesy to phone if you are going to be late. Give these friends a copy of De Brettes for Christmas.

expatinscotland · 04/07/2010 15:14

You know, follygirl, there's actually a world of non-flakey people out there who'd be more than honoured to come to dinner at yours, would show up on time or keep you in the loop if they are running late and not take the piss out of your hospitality.

BecauseImWorthIt · 04/07/2010 15:16

Why on earth did you say yes?! No wonder your friends take advantage of you - this is real doormat behaviour.

pigletmania · 04/07/2010 15:16

We went to a friends for dinner yesterday evening, it would never occur to me to invite others along, and not to phone if I was going to be substantially late. There are just so many freeloaders about.

Katisha · 04/07/2010 15:20

Mind you I have a friend who definitely likes to have as many people around her as possible. When you think you are going to hers for dinner with just your own family for a good catch-up, you find no end of other people there as well that she has randomly told to stay on. It's a pain becauase as you say, a load of strangers (to you) there, completely changes the dynamic.

But - she would NEVER assume that she could just bring her entourage to my house for dinner.

HouseofCrazy · 04/07/2010 15:22

So they invited extra 4 people and are now over an hour late with no phonecall? TBH, I would cancel!! They obviously arent good enough friends to you! I would be fuming!

frikonastick · 04/07/2010 15:22

this happened to me not so long ago. i invited a couple and their 2 kids round for sunday lunch. they turned up with 2 extra friends, their kids and thier nanny.

i was a bit taken aback. but luckily i had made a huge casserole (thinking i wouldnt have to cook for us on the monday) so managed to feed everyone.

my friend was like, oh you know, i got them to bring their nanny so that it would be a more fun lunch (like she was in fact doing me a favour)

nanny then sat down to eat with us and proceeded to polish off a six pack over lunch......while i ran around trying to sort out 5 kids.

never again is the cry!

duckyfuzz · 04/07/2010 15:33

I'd be furious and ruin the meal through my pissedoffedness

QSincognitoErgoSum · 04/07/2010 15:35

They are deliberately ruining your dinner party.

Call them now. Cancel. Tell them, on second thoughts, you were rash to accept them bringing another family of four, there will not be enough food for alls, so sadly you will have to cancel.

Then, enjoy the dinner with the only family.

annh · 04/07/2010 15:45

I would be furious but I also think you are allowing yourself to be used as a bit of a doormat. Don't just sit around waiting for them to turn up, phone them and find out what is going on or send a text to say you are going to eat without them. I thought you had another family coming as well? Are they also sitting around waiting, tummies rumbling?

5DollarShake · 04/07/2010 15:46

I am assuming that the guests have all turned up, and we won't be hearing from the OP for a while!

dilemma456 · 04/07/2010 17:44

Message withdrawn

twolittlemonkeys · 04/07/2010 17:53

I think I'd have told them not to bother coming in the first place and that we could rearrange to see them another time, but having allowed them to bring friends and then they turn up really late, I would be absolutely livid. It spoils your enjoyment of the whole day, how selfish of them. I agree, eat up, then go out for a walk. Don't let them ruin your nice meal with your other friends.

prozacfairy · 04/07/2010 18:06

YANBU. I had this couple of weeks ago. Talked my DSis into babysitting DD SO I could go for a lunchtime piss up few drinks at the pub with a good mate I hadnt met up with for ages and literally 10 minutes before I left the house got a text saying "you dont mind if XXXX comes too do you?" I felt I really couldnt say no so got stuck with playing gooseberry while they chatted about people I'd never met and stuff I dont care about. What fun Much ruder to invite other guests to someone else's house for dinner!

Kathyjelly · 04/07/2010 18:21

Mind bogglingly rude UNLESS it's a barbecue in which case they can offer to bring a truckload of extra ribs and drumsticks, salad and garden chairs.

Otherwise, definitely YANBU.

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