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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for thinking friends without kids shouldnt be allowed to use the word exhausted?

126 replies

guineagents · 30/06/2010 22:07

just got this thought from a response I read in another post and TOTALLY agreed with!

My DP says I am unreasonable for finding it nigh on impossible to bite my tongue when friends without kids go on about how "exhausted" they are!

Yes they work hard. Yes they have different priorities. And yes it was me who chose to have kids.. but exhausted?? Come on!

They sleep til 11. They get to read papers all the way through. They "potter" about and have pub lunches and quiet adult drinks to "relax" after a hard week

Jealous? Me? {wink}

OP posts:
hairytriangle · 30/06/2010 22:45

Yabu. It's not just children that exhaust people. High stress jobs, life in general, illness, miscarriage, emotional upset etc etc. I find it very patronising whem people with kids seem to think they have some 'right' to feel more exhausted. I find it incredibly insensitive when people who are privelidged enough to have kids moan about it.

Ewe · 30/06/2010 22:46

I was truly more exhausted after a long weekend in Ibiza than I was in the first three months of parenthood. I imagine once you have more than one then parenting is perhaps more exhausting but with one you can pretty much get the sleep you need if you are willing/able to nap.

SlackSally · 30/06/2010 22:47

It turns into a competition when people start claiming that huge swathes of people are not allowed to be exhausted, FGS.

lamplighter · 30/06/2010 22:47

YABU

My company has just landed a big contract and I am working round the clock, my father is terminally ill, my mother has a series of operations coming up and my house is falling apart.

My parents also live a 16 hour drive away or two flights. The flights cost around £700 per person for a trip. I go up five times a year for a weekend and use ALL my 'holiday' to spend time with them.

My car needs servicing, the chimney needs sweeping and I only ever see my bloody house to sleep in.

The ironing is piling up, I am overdue for my eye test and I am supposed to go on a two week course for my job. Fat chance looking at mt desk.

The garden is a state and the cat has forgotten who I am. DP is due to go to Australia for a six week contract (where he will work 18 hours a day to get it finished and forget sightseeing) and will come back to more of the same!

We are both working in industries that 'keep everyone safe'!

Exhausted? Really?

SugarMousePink · 30/06/2010 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

larks35 · 30/06/2010 22:50

SlackSally, I'm a teacher with a child and I have to say that my working day is usually less tiring than my days with DS. I think it is because I know what is expected of me at work and have been doing the job for long enough to be confident in it. Whereas with DS it's all improvisation and that is knackering!

coffeefestival · 30/06/2010 22:52

YABU

RobynLou · 30/06/2010 22:52

when I worked more before I had DD Iwas more exhausted than I am now, working pt, and looking after DD. the exceptions were when she was tiny and a few weeks ago when I was newly pg and shattered all the time.

everyone's different,evryone's children and jobs are different, having kids doesn't give you exclusive rights to exhaustion.

lamplighter · 30/06/2010 22:55

SugarMousePink

Thanks for that - I needed to let off steam

Feel a lot better now.......... and breathe..............

Limpopo · 30/06/2010 22:58

I take it you've never suffered from insomnia then?

hopalongdagger · 30/06/2010 22:59

YABU.

Slacksally, I only have one child but after the first few (3 maybe) months of parenthood I found maternity leave much easier, less tiring and less stressful than teaching full time.

It's probably different with two or more children, but with one you can at least nap when they do!

NormalityBites · 30/06/2010 23:00

VVVVVVVU

Before DC I worked 3 jobs. I'd start at 7am and work until 3pm, start my next job at 5pm and work until 7pm, then run across the road and finish with 7pm-12.30am. I had one day off a fortnight, during which I would clean the house.

Now I work two part time jobs, one from home. DC is in childcare two days per week. Sleeps at night. I have an abundance of time and energy. Even the newborn days felt like a luxury.

NiandraLaDes · 30/06/2010 23:11

YABU. I don't have any children. However, I do work very long hours, with a one and half hour commute each way. In the past 6 months I have been through a miscarriage (the 4th in 2 years) and a separation. I am currently caring for a very sick friend, helping a parent through a difficult emotional time, under severe pressure at work, and stressing about money. I'm bloody exhausted.

Yes, raising children is hard work, and a full time job, and no doubt exhausting. But being childless does not mean that one's life is easy, or full of long lunches, lazy weekend mornings and no bigger problems than what skirt to wear on a night out. Life is just sometimes difficult and draining, regardless of whether there are children involved or not.

Ewe · 30/06/2010 23:20

Niandra, you're totally right. I'm so sorry about your loss and to those of you who are caring for sick/terminal relatives.

Sometimes life is indeed just shit, children or no children.

Lymond · 30/06/2010 23:20

I know exactly what you mean guineaagents.

My younger (so far child-free) brother rang me this morning to say he couldn't do the things our grandmother needs help with (gardening related, if we don't go round and help she tries to do it on her own and breaks yet another bone) because he was exhausted from working all week, and his wife said they both needed a lie-in and Lymond doesn't have a proper job so ask her to do it.

No, I don't have a proper job. I only have 4 DC aged from infant up to 7, a DH who is on a business trip until next tuesday, and a small business to run.

The really hilarious thing? He hasn't managed to find a f-t job since graduating, and only works part time!

So, on Saturday I have to drive an hour each way to somehow occupy 4 small children while simultaneously mowing a large lawn and cutting some low hanging branches off a tree near Grandma's house that she has deemed dangerous. So that little bro can have a lie-in.

Unlike you, GuineaAgents, I was not able to bite my tongue, and as well as using some foul language I am planning (painful) revenge.... when I can summon up enough energy...

SlackSally · 30/06/2010 23:28

Larks. Interesting that you say that the difference is you know what is expected of you. I realised during teacher training that it was the newness and the constantly being judged that I found exhausting. I'm looking forward to these feelings lessening over time. Hopefully.

Perhaps that is part of the reason parents so often feel exhausted (obviously I know there are practical lack of sleep reasons as well!)

NiandraLaDes · 30/06/2010 23:32

Thanks so much, Ewe.

I don't mean to imply that my life is more exhausting / difficult than anyone else's. And I have no doubt that there are plenty of people out there who juggle raising children along with dealing with all kinds of other personal shite, and much respect to them. Just as I do know several childless people who do indeed live the life of Reilly, and lucky them!

I just don't think that you can assume that because a person doesn't have children, their life isn't draining, stressful and exhausting. Life moves in cycles, regardless of your family set-up / children, or lack thereof / work situation / marital status etc. Sometimes it's wonderful and easy. Sometimes it's so tiring you just want to climb into bed and sleep for three weeks.

Lymond · 30/06/2010 23:40

I agree with you Niandra, that life goes in cycles and anyone can have busy & exhausting times. The OP has probably had some situations like mine with my lazy little brother; it does get frustrating when those without DC view SAHM's as having loads of free time. Its much more knackering than when I worked ft (teaching - I could go home from other people's kids.)

To be fair, my parents are more exhausted than me lately, caring for aforementioned grandmother while both still working f-t, so we've dispatched them off on holiday.

14hourstillbedtime · 30/06/2010 23:40

Um, (throws self on pyre...) I agree with the OP, actually....

Our very conspicuously childfree neighbors met DH at the hardware store the other day... at time, we had a 4 week old DD and a not-quite-three year old DS....

DH was buying some boring, necessary household thing... they were buying paint to decorate their home made hacky sack game... they then went home, played said game with their equally childfree friends for 8 hours on a Saturday night to 'unwind' from their hard week.

They have no elderly relatives to care for, don't volunteer, give to charity or do anything but work regular 9-5 jobs. DH works 12 hours a day (combining work at work, and work he has to do at home in the evenings and weekends). I'm home full time with two (though I do admit that I have a sitter in the pms to take the toddler out, so I spend time just with the baby and get a bit of a break.)

I'm NOT slamming people who are exhausted cos they have no kids but a bajillion other responsibilities (what doesn't sound exhausting about caring for elderly parents?) but people who don't really do much at all, and have weekends OFF and then complain about their exhaustion

Bitter? Not me.....

NiandraLaDes · 01/07/2010 00:25

14hourstillbedtime... Be it child-centred responsibilities or otherwise, I think most people don't realise how tiring it can be to have responsibilities until they have them, iyswim? I have had people at work get cross at me for not wanting to go for Fri evening drinks, because 'it's Friday! What else would you do but go on the piss!'. Well, honour my commitments, for a start...

Lymond, I do see where you are coming from... Your brother does sound like a selfish arse (sorry!), of course you have a real job, and an important one at that. And yes, I do know several people who look at our SAHM/D friends and assume that their life is lovely, pottering around with the kiddies, finger painting, baking cakes and having mid-afternoon naps... And that their own lives working in finance / education / media / medicine / whatever are so much more difficult. Which is bollocks, mostly (but not always).

However, the sword cuts both ways. Perhaps (and this is not directed at you Lymond, just in general) we should stop competing as to whether it is harder to be a WOHM / SAHM / parent / non-parent / carer for elderly parents / full time career person... etc etc, and just accept that sometimes things are good, sometimes bad, and really, we are all human, we deal as well as we can, sometimes we don't deal at all... And we never truly know what is going on in a person's life to 'justify' their exhaustion.

Eurostar · 01/07/2010 00:38

Well hopefully the exhausting looking after children part is made up for by moments of joy and love for your children. When you're looking after eldery parents who are in slow decline, commuting hours etc.., life is exhausting without the children and without the happiness that children can bring. No one makes you have children, it's something you wanted. Being jealous of childfree neighbours seems very odd, we are lucky enough in this country to be able to make choices about our bodies and our futures, we could all be those childfree neighbours had we chosen that path.

proudfoot · 01/07/2010 00:39

YABVU and ridiculous.

It's not a competition and you sound very self-obsessed and bitter.

Of course children are not the only exhausting thing in people's lives. I often work very long hours and also know other lawyers who work through the night, stop for a coffee break and then carry on all through the day. Professional responsibilities can be just as exhausting as family responsibilities.

Snobear4000 · 01/07/2010 00:54

YANBU, those people are not allowed to use the word "busy" either. Poor sods live in a dream world and they don't even know it. I didn't.

Snobear4000 · 01/07/2010 00:55

BTW, I just re-read the thread and you lot really are totally humourless.

AliGrylls · 01/07/2010 01:05

YANBU - but I am only exhausted because I can't sleep. I am suffering from bad pregnancy night. I keep on thinking it would be fun to wake DS up for a cuddle but then I know it is mean.