Priorities...where do I fit in?

[bananalover]

Okay, so DH just gone out to the pub to play skittles, like he does every week. Has also just informed me that, not only will he be playing golf on Thursday evening, but he will be playing tommorow afternoon as well.
Fine, in normal circumstances, because as he says 'but I always play golf on wednesday'.
But tommorrow is NOT normal circumstances, tommorrow is my birthday, and he is playing golf (then coming home to expect his dinner ready, and a 'relaxing' evening in front of TV.
Has made no effort whatsoever to make arrangments to take me anywhere.
I cannot remember last time he took me anywhere, and he even had the bloody cheek to ask me if I was taking HIM anywhere!
He always expects my mum to babysit, but she has recently come out of hospital and is far too weak yet to cope with our bouncy kids.
AIBU in expecting him to at least not play golf, and look after the kids while I go out for the day? I mean, if he can take time off work for golf, surely he could do same for me?
Sorry if I am rambling but feel so dissapointed and am not looking forward to Bday...same shit different day

andm he does all this because ... you allow it.

Do you ever kick up a fuss?

Yes he probably knows he is being unreasonable but since its pretty easy he carries on.

You would be asking him to give up his golf, just to miss a game once a year for your birthday!

So what exactly is he for?

HE thinks he is for money, you know, the 'be grateful I go out to work to put a roof over your head' kina thing.
Ironic thing is I am always looking for ways to save him money...I do not go to hairdressers for example on regular basis and expect him to fork out £50 a pop.
But when I do come home with a bargain, he usually makes fun of it , saying you get what you pay for,etc.
We have come pretty close to divorce recently, initiated by me because I was fed up once too often, but I backed down again, so once more I am showing my weakness.

He has no reason to change does he? He gets everything his own way. Are you going to keep putting up with this?

bananalover - He doesn't seem willing to change. So you've either got to put up and shut up, or do something.

Don't slink off and let him get away with it. You're consigning yourself to a life of continual disappointment.

You're worth more than that.

Totally understandable that your mum didn't offer to babysit now you have explained the ssituation with her help. Although it makes me more flabbergasted as to how your DH could have possibly thought her capable of babysitting?! Seems like he only thinks of himself........

And now you've just said that about being close to divorce.......you need to ask him if he wants to stay married to you because you're not getting anything out of it. If he says he does, then he needs to agree to some relationship counselling. God knows he is in dire need of some.....

"with her health"

Just to say - I have relayed the salient points of this to my DH and he said "what?! If I did that, You wouldn't keep me around would you?" and we are not ones or meals out or stuff like that. We do, however, make time and effort for each other on anniversaries and birthdays if we possibly can.

He sounds horrible. Lawyer up and get him the divorce papers for an anniversary present. You are essentially a single parent now - at least if you actually divorce him, you'll get a day off every week or so when he takes the kids.

Bananalover. You are worth more than this man is giving you.
Your children are watching you and are in danger of mirroring the way your husband trats you.

So if not for your sake but for your children.

Leave him, or kick him out.

He is showing you that he doesnt respect you and more than likely doesnt love you much any more.

Suggest marriage counselling or divorce.

By the way if my DH got me the same crap pressie for my bday as xmas he would be picking his shit of the front lawn. Including his stupid golf clubs

If this was my DH I'd be inclined to put all his stuff in bin bags in the garden and change the locks while he is at his golf do ON YOUR ANNIVERSARY! He will continue to walk all over you unless you put a stop to this. If you do decide to stay with him then please stop ignoring your own needs. Spend his money on the things that improve YOUR quality of life. Fuck saving him money. Stupid bastard doesn't deserve any of the effort you make for him.

Happy Birthday Bananalover!

Bananalover, this is freakishly how I think my life could have turned out if I hadn't sat my DH down this week to address some issues (maybe not as drastic - a bloody golf holiday without the kids and you?!!).
You say he wasn't always like this? was there a time when he really thought about you, or anyone else? My DH does think about me and our DS, but can become very self centred and self obsessed with his own pursuits, talks about himself constantly - not in a malicious way IYSWIM, just not thinking of anyone outside himself and he explained he had always been like that because he was never told before how bad it was.
I sort of snapped, and calmly sat him down and said to him EXACTLY how I felt. Like I was sidelined and gave up things so he could follow his pursuits, i planned his birthdays so he had nice cards and lovely wrapped presents, whereas he would buy a card as a last minute thing for everything or would have to use Christmas wrapping paper as he hadn't even thought of getting any or would buy my presents whilst I was there. He once even tried to trick me into thinking he was cancelling something he wanted to do in exchange for me doing something as a show of how he wasn't selfish - I had to point out that this wasn't him being selfless.

I know that my DH was hurt when I pointed out all these character flaws, but I couldn't let that stand in the way of saying how I felt because the result of many more years of this would have been that I would leave him. How much more can you take? Can you really keep going without saying anything, or will we be seeing the same thread next year?

Ok, that took me so long to post that I missed the part where you say you have come close to divorce so my post is a moot point - he didn't take an impending divorce as hint that maybe he is being unreasonable so maybe sitting down and talking it out will help!

I meant "won't help!"

We have had the YABU talk...but he thinks he is not in the wrong and IABU.
Do you all honestly think I should call it a day?

No one can give you permission to end your marriage other than yourself.
However, you have to ask yourself some serious questions.

Do you love him?
Will leaving him have a seriously bad impact upon the children?
Have you got some where to go if he refuses to leave the home?

Most important of all.
If you leave him will you be happier?

Did he explain why he thought you were being unreasonable?

Happy birthday by the way

I ABU because I want him to playless golf and spend time, weekends especially with kids and me.
The only time he changes golf at weekend is for football, eg, he moaned because he had to tee off earliesr last sunday because England had ballsed up and, insread of them playing saturday, they played sunday afternoon instead.
So he played golf all morning then expected me to keep kids quiet inafternoon during match. being unresonalble.
Sorry, but i thought weekends were supposede to be where both parents spent time with thier kids...I must be being unreasonable.

No he is a prick.
A selfish one at that.
Sorry dont normally like to slate men nut he is prize one.

If you dont think he is going to change then maybe leaving him is the best way to keep you happy.
It wont be long before the children start moaning about him anyway.

YANBU to just moan about it on here.

you have 3 choices

1. if you think he will listen, tell him and ask him to change
2. if you think he wont change but you dont want to leave, then put up with it
3. Accept that he is the one in the wrong and leave/tell him to leave.

You deserve to be appreciated and to have things to look forward to. DO you ever go out yourself?

Well it sounds like he won't mind if you leave. Since he doesn't actually want to spend any time with you, or with his children.

(ooh, look, another thread where a man works fulltime and spends all his free time out of tthe house and no-one says "I just don't understand, why even have children?" about him. How entirely predictable.)

Because the issue is not "does he have to make the effort", it's "why doesn't he want to spend any time with his family"? I don't want my husband to make an effort, I want him to choose to spend time with me and his daughter, because he loves us and enjoys our company.

I work fulltime, and I don't consider myself "free" in the evenings because if I went out then I wouldn't see my family.

Frankly, if you're not getting anything out of him being there except money, he can provide that from a distance. And he'd clearly prefer a life without a family. Win win.

I can only say what I would do if I were in your position bananalover. I can't tell you what you should do.

If it were me, I would leave. If you have explained all this many times before and he hasn't changed then, yes, I would leave.

That's not to say I wouldn't try counselling or some kind of mediation, but if he wasn't willing to do this then I would leave.

hope you are ok this morning bananalover. did you talk to him at all? xx

I feel some sympathy for you, and don't think you are being unreasonable, but I do think you are just wallowing in self-pity without seeming inclined to do anything about it. If you just put up with this in a martyr-ish kind of way, of course he's not going to change - his life is working exactly the way he wants it to! What incentive does he have to change?!

Either take positive action to make change yourself or accept that this is your marriage and get on with it.

I know it sounds harsh but that is how it is!

Dh has told mr i am a martry also...not really sure what this means. But am guessing doormat?
so if i no longer want to be doormat does that mean i have to change into a'not very nice person' giving orders and nagging all the time?

You are a martyr. Totally. Your husband is a grade A arsehole too.

If it was me (and it never would be because I wouldn't be with a prick like this) I wouldn't 'nag' at all. I would tell him how things are going to be from now on: he respects you, spends time with his children, drops the golf and skittles (skittles fgs) and pulls his weight around the house. If this didn't happen within a week I would be out of the door.

But you'll just come out with more enabling excuses for him and continue to be miserable while your children grow up thinking that women exist to service men and men can do what they want. Very sad.