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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Priorities...where do I fit in?

77 replies

bananalover · 29/06/2010 20:22

Okay, so DH just gone out to the pub to play skittles, like he does every week. Has also just informed me that, not only will he be playing golf on Thursday evening, but he will be playing tommorow afternoon as well.
Fine, in normal circumstances, because as he says 'but I always play golf on wednesday'.
But tommorrow is NOT normal circumstances, tommorrow is my birthday, and he is playing golf (then coming home to expect his dinner ready, and a 'relaxing' evening in front of TV.
Has made no effort whatsoever to make arrangments to take me anywhere.
I cannot remember last time he took me anywhere, and he even had the bloody cheek to ask me if I was taking HIM anywhere!
He always expects my mum to babysit, but she has recently come out of hospital and is far too weak yet to cope with our bouncy kids.
AIBU in expecting him to at least not play golf, and look after the kids while I go out for the day? I mean, if he can take time off work for golf, surely he could do same for me?
Sorry if I am rambling but feel so dissapointed and am not looking forward to Bday...same shit different day

OP posts:

BubbaAndBump · 29/06/2010 21:11

Have you ever voiced this all to him? Some blokes really are thick and unless told explicitly what is expected, really can't work it out for themselves. It doesn't excuse his shitness, but it may explain it partly.

Also, he may not value what you do for him on his birthdays in the same way you would if he did them for you, and so may not realise how important it is for you.

FFS I sound like I'm sticking up for him - I'm not, but I am just trying to get you to sort it out so you don't continue to be disappointed...

Mutt · 29/06/2010 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

McSteamy · 29/06/2010 21:12

You really need to stop making a fuss on his birthday.

Poor you, I do birthdays, I would be gutted

chitchat07 · 29/06/2010 21:13

The point is, bananalover, that unless you teach him a lesson, this will continue for ever. You're not going to get a romantic dinner organised by him unless you make him realise that he's being a twat and that you won't take it - and sitting there quietly stewing hasn't exactly worked, has it??!!

Just get a professional babysitter, they might cost more, but it will sure be worth it to teach him a lesson. Bet it will be the last birthday of yours that will get ignored like this!!!!

Original poster

bananalover · 29/06/2010 21:15

No he has not always been the same way...I suppose after 10 years and 3 kids he thinks he doesn't have to make the efoort anymore.

OP posts:

Tootlesmummy · 29/06/2010 21:15

I would go out tomorrow night with some friends and tell him as he can't be arsed to do something nice for your birthday that you're going to spend it with people who do care and will make the effort. I'd do the same next week as well, it's the only way he'll learn.

If you don't do anything he'll carry on and be a selfish prick!

BubbaAndBump · 29/06/2010 21:15

Spell it out for him. You may have to do this a few times (I'm still training trying to get my DH to see how important stuff like birthdays is, and despite telling him it explicitly one year, he'd forgotten by the next.

BubbaAndBump · 29/06/2010 21:16

Does he make a fuss of DCs' birthdays? Is it in him to be nice and selfless?

Mutt · 29/06/2010 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morloth · 29/06/2010 21:20

Hire a sitter and go to the spa, if there is enough money for golf there is enough for you.

Alternatively book the spa for the weekend so you can save on the sitter.

Just13moreyearstogo · 29/06/2010 21:24

You need to spell it out to him, very calmly and assertively. No tears or tantrums, no hopeful silences. Sit him down and tell him you're not putting up with this any more. Tell him that if he hasn't arranged anything you will do it yourself and that he's looking after the kids. Tell him that this is the last year he is going to behave like this on your birthday. I hope you manage to have a nice day.

Original poster

bananalover · 30/06/2010 18:43

Okay. have just had probably worst Bday of my life...kids played up all day long, DS2 threw all my freshly planted shrubs into lounge, DS1's teacher dragged me into school to complain about him spitting and stealing...great.
DH gave me a present that I already had, (he bought it me for xmas)so he took it back to shop to exchange it which took all morning, then buggered off to play golf.
Made a lovely tea for everyone but they all moaned they didn't like it so it got wasted...now all complaining they are hungry.
And DH told me my mum had phoned and offered to babysit tonight, I was to phone her back to confirm.
so I rang her and asked if 8pm would be okay, she said she knew nothing about any babysitting, leaving me feeling a right twat...DH had made it up in order to get me to ring her and ask for babysitting
So am now hiding upstairs so he can't nag me anymore, waiting for a reasonable time so I can crack open the whisky and get well and truly shitfaced, on my own.
Thanx for listening to my rant...feel so much better now.

OP posts:

minipie · 30/06/2010 18:49

Print out this thread and leave it for him to find.

Then run yourself a nice bath, pour a glass of whisky, and lock yourself in the bathroom for an hour or so.

If he still can't see what he's done wrong ... he is beyond redemption.

Happy birthday by the way. Sending you a big un mumsnetty hug.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 30/06/2010 18:53

OMFG. bananalover - Why are you with him? Seriously, he is like this because you let him.

Most relationships are not like this.

So sorry your birthday was so awful

MathsMadMummy · 30/06/2010 18:59

(((hugs)))
sorry your birthday was so rubbish. hope you can bugger off out on your own at the weekend, and leave him with the kids, and have a damn good time.

Mr Banana Lover, for example, is a twat

CurlyhairedAssassin · 30/06/2010 19:00

Oh dear.....

I'm sorry you have had such a shit birthday. I can't believe your DH bought you exactly the same thing that he got you for Xmas. The more you tell us the more it sounds like he's just a thoughtless, selfish get, and not just a "typical bloke".

and as for the weird babysitting phone call:

your husband doesn't sound right in the head for doing that. It's just a strange way to go about things.

and

didn't your mum offer to babysit after all? It WAS your birthday!

It sounds like you need to start insisting that people do some nice things for YOU, instead of you doing everything for everyone else.

But if he were my DH, I wouldn't have let it get as far as it's seemed to have got with you. I would have already well and truly put my foot down about the amount of golf he plays and the times he chooses to play it. And well, my DH just wouldn't behave in the way that your DH has. He knows damn well I just wouldn't put up with being treated like that - I am worth more than that and will demand better if I think he's not pulling his weight or being thoughtless or selfish etc.

You really do need to start being a bit more demanding of people.

CoronaAndLime · 30/06/2010 19:22

I feel so sorry for you.

If I wasnt about to give birth, I would offer to take you out.

I agree that MrBannanalover is indeed a twunt!

Original poster

bananalover · 30/06/2010 19:38

Yes he did get me the same present, though how he forgot he had already got it me for xmas is beyond me.
At any other time my mum would have babysat, although they are a real handful at the best of times. But she only came out of hospital a month ago after serious pnuemonia. She is slowly getting back on her feet, but has pleurisy now..doctor confirmed it this morning. He gave her some stronger painkillers which work but make her feel woozy.
She is still pretty weak so there is absolutely no way I would ask her to babysit...just too much for her, although DH can't see this and just moans about us not being able to go out together anywhere. Pisses me off that he can't help to find someone, just expects me to produce one out of thin air.
Would have been nice though if he had looked after kids today and maybe offered to make dinner.

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CoraBear · 30/06/2010 19:52

I'm actually seething with rage. What a dickhead. Can he not see past the end of his effing nose? Get your whiskey and head up to your bedroom and tell your DH (which in this case stands for DickHead) to deal with the kids. You are a human being who deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. Book spa treatments on his golf days and tell him to deal with the family. Or just head off to the park and read a book.
If all else fails, sit him down, calmly tell him how he is making your life a misery and suggest marraige counselling.

FakePlasticTrees · 30/06/2010 20:02

print this thread, hand it too him, go back upstairs and soak in the bath for a while.

And Bananalover's DH - if you've read this far, if you're not careful, you'll push her too far and she'll leave you.

Original poster

bananalover · 30/06/2010 20:22

Think main problem is he has always been slightly selfish, just always seems to put his needs first. To be honest, you can't change someone that entrenched in their behaviour can you?
I on the other hand, am too nice, and it would not be in my nature to think 'fuck everyone else, I'm just going to do what I want when I want'.
I know I should be more assertive, but I feel really uncomfortable with things like that.

OP posts:

gingernutlover · 30/06/2010 20:24

yet, you are obviously miserable with the way things are?

At least if you tell him all this properly then he has the chance to do the right thing.

Original poster

bananalover · 30/06/2010 20:29

Trust me, there is no way on earth he would give up his golf, for me or his kids.
He has even booked his golf hol with his mates for September...wife and kids not invited as per usual.
Anyway, next week is Wedding Anniversary and he is booked to play Golf that evening...with a posh meal included afterwards. So we will see if that day is a disaster too!

OP posts:

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 30/06/2010 20:31

You're just going to sit and let him play golf on your anniversary, when he's behaved so appallingly today?

Not on.

You're right. You should be more assertive.

minipie · 30/06/2010 20:31

well being very blunt banana, you have a choice between being more assertive and being miserable when you get ignored like this.

I really think you should print off this thread and leave it where he will see. Then disappear with a whisky to a hot bath.

that way you make your point but avoid (immediate) confrontation.

honestly, you do need to make your point, because otherwise the exact same thing will happen next year. and you are worth way more than that {{big hug, manly backslap}}

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