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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my DS isn't ready to be toilet trained?

54 replies

MumOfAPickle · 29/06/2010 14:25

First time I've posted in AIBU and am strangely nervous but could really do with some advice...

Basically Ds's nursery start potty training at the age of 2. I was happy to give it a go and DS is now 2.4 and its still not exactly a success.

To start with it was the usual stuff of not wanting to really sit on the toilet/potty but we're over all that now and he's quite happy to do so, knows all the language, knows he should be doing all his wees and poos on the toilet (he's not keen on the potty but we got him one of those seats for the toilet).

The problem is he doesn't seem to know when he needs to wee before it happens. He never asks to go or just goes himself, I have to take him and put him on randomly until he goes. The result of this is a lot of accidents and stress (I'm also 6 months preggers with no.2).

I have suggested to nursery that perhaps he's not ready but they sort of make me feel like I'm being precious and that he'll get there. But at the same time I get told in a disappointed voice about his 'accidents'.

The upshot is that I end up sticking him in nappies quite a lot and then feeling bad. I'm also worried that its not that nice for him to be constantly wetting himself

I just don't know where to go from here. Am I being difficult? Is it my fault for confusing the issue? Although I have had periods where I've really tried and its still the exact same result.

Would appreciate your words of wisom on this MNers

OP posts:
thelittlebluepills · 29/06/2010 14:29

You are the parent - your decision - don't let nursery dictate to you - you know he's not ready - I would just leave it for now. If the physiological changes haven't occurred for him to actually know when he needs to wee then it's all an entirely pointless exercise at the moment

stick him back in nappies and give yourself (and him) a break

junkcollector · 29/06/2010 14:30

Yanbu. He'll do it when he is ready.

Keep suggesting and eventually they will. I truly truly truly believe that potty training needn't be as stressful as some people make it (and I don't mean you OP, I mean the nursery). Both my DS were nearly 3 when they did it, in a week both times. The best advice my mum gave me was "relax, they'll do it when they're ready" and they did.

AgentZigzag · 29/06/2010 14:31

It's only my opinion, but if you don't think he's ready, then he's not ready

From what I can gather, you can't really go on what other people are doing at what age for potty training.

Are the nursery encouraging you to, or do you feel under pressure?

I've got no experience of nursery/nappies/potty training combo, but I wouldn't be too happy if they were pushing me to do something I wasn't ready to do with my child.

katkouta · 29/06/2010 14:33

YANBU you can't make the process happen, he'll do it himself when he's ready, given the guidance he's already getting from you.
The last thing you need being pregnant is stress

Booper13 · 29/06/2010 14:37

YANBU It is entirely your decision when your DS is toilet trained. YOU will know best when he is ready, not an arbitrary nursery policy for all taking no account of the individual childrens' development. I am shocked a nursery would do this tbh and I am on your behalf that they are making you feel inadequate about it. I would tell them in no uncertail terms that DS is not ready and when he is you will let them know and will greatly appreciate their support and assistance at that juncture.I think 2 is really young for most boys anyway. My DS is 3.3 and has only just stopped nappies. He was probably ready within the last couple of months but I wasn't so waited until I felt it could be put off no longer. Our nursery let me know that they would help when I decided to start, no pressure at all.

LittleMissHissyFit · 29/06/2010 14:42

my ds wasn't ready until 2.6. There is very little point in attempting toilet training if most of the signs that the dc is ready are not there. Don't worry, every child is different, you won't be the first under 3yo to in to nursery in nappies, you won't be the last either! Don't let them stress you.

treas · 29/06/2010 14:48

My ds was not interested in potty training at all then suddenly on his 3rd birthday he turned round and said "I don't need a nappy or a potty, I'm a big boy now". From then he used the toilet and within 2 wks was dry at night.

Op go with your instincts and life will be much easier - apparently boys are renown for being later developers when becoming dry.

Original poster
MumOfAPickle · 29/06/2010 14:52

Ah thanks so much for your replies (and so quick!) Booper13 yours actually made me well up for some reason - I'm blaming hormones.

I think this is what I've been thinking and usually I'm pretty outspoken (I'm sure some would go so far as bolshy) but for some reason I go all lily livered when it comes to DS's nursery. Its a great place, really strong on education and behaviour and I'm happy with it on every other level but honestly they make me feel like every other child that's gone through there is dry within a couple of weeks of turning 2.

Last time I suggested that he wasn't ready and asked about him goin back into nappies I was told that as he's moved upstairs (also happens around 2) they don't have the facilities to change him. They then said that as he's so bright they don't want him to miss out on the stuff they're doing up there. This made me think that they were going to move him back into the baby room if I insisted he was back in nappies...
See they make it sound all reasonable and asked if I was still putting him in nappies to go out and stuff and when I said I was they said that I should try not put him in nappies at all. So I tried this for couple of weeks and ended up having to take 2 or 3 changes or trousers/pants with us every day. Now I have slipped back into just putting him in nappies as its just horrible for both of us with all the accidents.

So, how do I insist without being a cow. What if they want to put him back with the babies?

OP posts:
prayingforababy · 29/06/2010 14:55

My son learnt to toilet train on holiday. He was basically naked the whole time as it was so hot and he became very aware of any bowel movements instantly and would then rush to the loo. He was fully trained within 3 days and was 2.5. Maybe you should spend a bank holiday weekend with him just wearing a t-shirt and keep him in the garden and house. If that doesn't work then wait until he's 3 and he should learn immediately by that point.

RunningOutOfIdeas · 29/06/2010 14:57

I haven't got to the potty training stage with DD yet, so I might be talking rubbish. However, would training pants be a better alternative to nappies? I mean the ones that have a waterproof outer layer, so you won't need to change his clothes so much, but will allow him to feel wet and therefore know that he should have gone to the toilet.

scurryfunge · 29/06/2010 14:58

Just tell them he is not yet ready but that you will try again at regular intervals. If they have his well being at heart, then they should not be forcing the issue. My DS was the same as Treas'...he told me when he wanted to dispense with the nappies....around three.

januaryjojo · 29/06/2010 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

diamondsandtiaras · 29/06/2010 15:07

the nursery are being very U!!! It's so much easier to wait until they decide to do it for themselves! We've just started......DD1 (2.4) just took off her nappy the other day and has been doing pretty much everything on the potty since. we've had a couple of accidents (to be expected) but she has more or less got it. Trying to enforce it would have caused no end of problems.....she's very naughty willful and has strong opinions!

I would put your foot down with the nursery.......they shouldn't be trying to dictate things like this to you!!

whatname · 29/06/2010 15:08

Send him to nursery in a nappy, this is causing too much stress and fuss.
I think it's a bit much for them to be insisting.

SloanyPony · 29/06/2010 15:09

Good grief, its the tail wagging the dog by the sounds of it.

Nursery says to potty train, you dont want to. You put him in pull ups. If they want to make him use the toilet, etc, great, fine, its their funeral (or success, if indeed he is ready).

They ask you to provide extra clothes - you dont, you provide pullups instead.

They address it with you - you repeat, broken record style, that "he will get the hang of it when he's ready" etc.

StealthPolarBear · 29/06/2010 15:17

"wait until he's 3 and he should learn immediately by that point"
please tell ds that!
yesterday i clkeaned up wee then 15mins later i cleaed up poo

BabyDubsEverywhere · 29/06/2010 15:21

Why would they need an area to change him - hes wetting hinself anyway and i assume they change his clothes then, so send a spare pull up and tell them your happy for him to be changed where ever they have been changing him so far, all light and breezy.

Original poster
MumOfAPickle · 29/06/2010 15:31

V. good point BabyDubsEverywhere. See, I get all useless when it comes to nursery. I think I'm going to need to toughen up before he reaches school age.

I suppose I don't want to be one of those parents who thinks that their child is an exception and that the rules should change for them. Once I'm happy with a place I try to support the processes they have in place. But with this I really have tried and its just not happening and I'm at the end of my tether....

Thanks for all your replies - nice to know I'm not going mad! I thought 3 was more common these days for boys as well.

OP posts:
Colliecross · 29/06/2010 15:33

Even in the older children's area there must be facilities for changing a child who has had an accident - do they claim none of the others have ever had an accident?
We have just waited until 3.1 with our DS, and after the first day with 2 accidents, he has been clean and dry, also dry at night, all week.
Granny kept saying how lazy we were to put it off, and kept buying big boy's pants as a hint, but it has worked out really well.
I would say wait about 3-4 weeks and try again with no reference to previous failures.

bleedingheart · 29/06/2010 15:36

YANBU, your nursery however, is BU. My DS was nearly 3 when he mastered staying dry all day. You know what feels right for your child.

Original poster
MumOfAPickle · 29/06/2010 15:37

Can anyone can shed any more light on what thelittlebluepills mentions at the top of the thread? I'd heard vaguely that there is a physiological change that takes place where the nerve ending develop to the degree that they are actually aware that a wee is coming but I may have made this up....I'm just sure that DS isn't doing this deliberately and I can't help thinking that if he knew it was coming he'd want to do it on the loo...

Oh and we have tried training pants but they're crap - wee just leaks straight out and they take 5 times as long to dry as normal pants.

OP posts:
Colliecross · 29/06/2010 15:47

He needs to know before he goes, not as he goes, and he can't respond to a signal he isn't getting yet.
They are very odd nursery staff if they don't know that.

Chil1234 · 29/06/2010 15:51

"Can anyone can shed any more light on what thelittlebluepills mentions at the top of the thread"

I don't know about the medical explanation but it totally fits with my experience with my son. He was about 2 and I remember he stood up in the bath to get something and did a wee. But it was quite clear he didn't even realise it was happening - it just came out. About 30 seconds later he did another one and that didn't register either. I thought then that there is no way a child that doesn't even know he's passing water is going to be able to ask for the toilet. (Didn't stop my mother claiming I should have started potty training at 14 months... but she is mad)

Agree with others about being firm with the nursery people, putting him in pull-ups and trying potty training again in a month or two.

StealthPolarBear · 29/06/2010 15:53

well my DS knows t use the toilet, knows exactly what hes doing yet just wees on the floor - even if i've asked him seconds before. so i think he genuinely has no clue he needs to go

Lonnie · 29/06/2010 16:10

Actually I would change nursery if they have that stupid a rule..

Children are ready for toilet training at different ages..

Mine trained at 3.5 2 years 1 week (in 2 days) 2 years 6 months and 2 years 3 months. the oldest took the longest and it was a horrific time no 2 was easy no trouble just took her nappy off and asked for potty the other 2 did it within a few weeks.

At the end of the day this is your child. Send him to the nursery (that you PAY money) in a nappy and simply state. We have decided it is not the right time we will try again later. and yes use Babyduds suggestion..

However I would be looking for a new nursery if they are that non child centred. plus I would ask them for any research to back up their insistance on potty training at 2 ( doubt they can find any)

oh and YANBU

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