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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Tto think dh should take a month off work, paternity, if we have another baby

73 replies

carriedababi · 29/06/2010 12:55

ok 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks holiday.

he reckons it might be difficult/might not be allowed the time off.

is that right?

can they stop him?

long story but had a horrendous time when dd was born, if we have another i will prob have to have a CS

last time dh only had 2 weeks off, and by the time i got home it was only a week and a half, as i was in hospital with another problem the day dd was born.
anyway won't bore you with all the details
but, i strongly feel if we have another baby i NEED him home for the first month.

OP posts:

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 29/06/2010 12:58

I suppose it depends on his job. If it's possible, YANBU. If taking the time off in one block might jeopardise his position at work, then YABU.

CantSleepWontSleep · 29/06/2010 12:59

I don't understand why you think you need him home for a month. My dc3 is due today, and if I am lucky dh will take a couple of days off when it is born.

YABU.

TrillianAstra · 29/06/2010 13:00

Sounds nice, but a lot of jobs wouldn't allow it, especially as he would have to book the holiday part at the last minute.

Why not get him to ask his employers now, just as a hypothetical?

As far as I know employers are allowed to tell you when you can/can't take your annual lave, within reason. They can't tell you not to take the 2 weeks paterntiy leave, of course.

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 29/06/2010 13:01

What Chickens said.

belly36 · 29/06/2010 13:01

My DH took 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks parental leave. I think it's reasonable, especially if you're having a c-section. I had one this time around and really needed him at home.

Yes they can stop him annual/parental leave is up to the employer. But if they want happy, committed employees then they'd do well to allow such leave.

slushy06 · 29/06/2010 13:03

My dp was only able to do a week his work was making redundancy's and my dp was told that they would be taking recent holidays into account so it was up to him if he wanted to risk it. We didn't unemployed dp much harder than a few weeks with two dc on my own.

Original poster

carriedababi · 29/06/2010 13:06

he works in public finance
he's an accountant, in charge of other accountants.

OP posts:

Original poster

carriedababi · 29/06/2010 13:08

TA, thats a good idea ask now as a hypothetical situation.
bet he won't want to ask though

OP posts:

Chil1234 · 29/06/2010 13:08

I don't think it's unreasonable to want extra support but is there anyone else you could call on besides your husband if he's going to have trouble taking a whole month out? Grandparents, for example, or other family members. My friend hired a maternity nurse for the arrival of both of hers...

Bonsoir · 29/06/2010 13:10

I expect if I had another baby (which I won't) I would feel like doing exactly what I did last time, which is holing up at my parents' house where my mother looks after me and DP and the DSSs are right out of the way!

CMOTdibbler · 29/06/2010 13:11

What about using holiday to do short weeks after his paternity leave if they wouldn't let him be off for a month - he could have 4 weeks of working 2 or 3 days a week so that he was around a lot for you. DH did this, and his work were quite happy with it

Lulumaam · 29/06/2010 13:12

depends on so many factors.

1 month off work could be logistically impossible.

why not 2 weeks off and a doula for the next 2 weeks

or family and friends to come and help? or a maternity nurse?

it also depends if he would be a hands on help or would be expecting to be catered for if off work..also, recovery from an elective or a second ( as they tend to be easier) VB is usually far more rapid and straightforward

DH had 10 days off with DS and 7 with DD.

1 month is a very long time to be off.

staranise · 29/06/2010 13:12

A month is a lot to have off work in one block. Is there not anyone else who could help out?

Original poster

carriedababi · 29/06/2010 13:12

mil would probably help a bit.

my mother wouldn't

could look into a doula or something i guess.

i wish dh was able to carry the second baby,but its only women that can carry babies...which seems pretty unfair

OP posts:

RobynLou · 29/06/2010 13:13

he should just ask if it's something that would be possible.
If you haven't got any other support and have a c section it's not an unreasonable ask imo.
Could you think about a back up plan though? are there friends/family around who could come in when he's at work to give you a hand?

Lulumaam · 29/06/2010 13:13

sounds like you're in a pretty low place at thbe moment and probably not a great idea to be considering another pregnancy.

Original poster

carriedababi · 29/06/2010 13:15

well i still haven't full recovered from dd 3 years ago, so i hope the recovery won't take that long.

OP posts:

Original poster

carriedababi · 29/06/2010 13:15

why am i in a low place ?

OP posts:

3ismylot · 29/06/2010 13:16

I cant see why you would need him home for 4 weeks.
With ds1 he was home for a week and then when I had DTS 3 years later he was home for 4 days as it was mad busy at his work! and I coped absolutely fine

You will have to cope once he goes back so may aswell get used to it sooner rather than later IMO

Obviously if you have a section you will need help for the first week or 2 but unless you had complications a month is overdoing it

RumourOfAHurricane · 29/06/2010 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

staranise · 29/06/2010 13:17

This probaly sounds harsh, but if i didn't think i could cope after two weeks (albeit with a bit of help from MIL/friends etc) I would probably wait a bit longer before having a second baby.

I don't think I could cope with a fourth pregnancy/childbirth and still get the others to nursery etc so I'm not having one...

kittywise · 29/06/2010 13:17

A whole month?????

No don't be silly, even with a section you don't need more than a fortnight.
A month is waaaaaay too long. So YABU

MIFLAW · 29/06/2010 13:19

Carried

Do you mean he works in the public sector in a finance team?

If so, in my experience, they bend over backwards to be fair to parents - especially if you're not having the baby this week (year end)!

plantsitter · 29/06/2010 13:20

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask. I think men should be just as entitled as women to spend time with their families when babies are born. Fair enough not as MUCH time given they don't do the pregnancy/birth etc but a month is not that long given he'll be responsible for the baby for 18 years!

DP is going to see if he can get an extra 2 weeks' parental leave (unpaid) when DC2 is born in November. If work says no, he is entitled to take the 2 weeks another time, and he will do that. Not just to help me out (though of course that will be great) but because he wants to meet his new son/daughter properly and have some time as a family.

5DollarShake · 29/06/2010 13:20

Just re-read and realised this is purely a hypothetical situation...

So - if you strongly feel that you NEED to have him home for a month after a second child arrives, then you do need to find out if it is possible.

If it's not - what then? You postpone having the baby, given that you can't force his employers to act in a certain way?

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