Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Tto think dh should take a month off work, paternity, if we have another baby

73 replies

carriedababi · 29/06/2010 12:55

ok 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks holiday.

he reckons it might be difficult/might not be allowed the time off.

is that right?

can they stop him?

long story but had a horrendous time when dd was born, if we have another i will prob have to have a CS

last time dh only had 2 weeks off, and by the time i got home it was only a week and a half, as i was in hospital with another problem the day dd was born.
anyway won't bore you with all the details
but, i strongly feel if we have another baby i NEED him home for the first month.

OP posts:

gingernutlover · 29/06/2010 13:22

YANBU to want to have his support - I cant see why anyone thinks that

however, a month is a long time to have off in one go.

could he book some holiday now say for 2 weeks when baby would be about 6 weeks old, and then also take his 2 weeks paternity?

either that or taking his holiday a few days at a time sounds like a good idea.

I too had a crap time in labour and after with dd - I had no support after dh's paternity leave, (which I was in hospital for most of anyway) and I really think my pnd would have been less worse if i had had support.

Original poster

carriedababi · 29/06/2010 13:22

miflaw, yes thats what i mean!
yes i suppose we should avoid year end!

good point plantsitter, i was thinking of it from a health pov mainly but i agree its a really important time

OP posts:

curryfreak · 29/06/2010 13:23

Why do you need him home for a month? Lots of people have to manage with their partner/husband taking a few days off or maybe a week. My dh took a week off and that was a luxury!
Also, even the most devoted fathers will be desperate to get back to work,- i dont think a month at home with a new baby is a prospect many of them would look welcome!
Best to spread the time off out, iuswim.

FortunateHamster · 29/06/2010 13:24

As above, I think whether YABU depends on his job.

My husband works in a deadline-heavy job and in some ways I feel lucky that he is even taking two weeks paternity. He wants to be around for as long as possible but really would get hassle for taking longer off. His teams are a bit useless without him and I suspect even in the two weeks off there will be moments where he is frantically checking emails. It doesn't mean he doesn't care though.

That you had a horrible time before though does change things a bit - if he can't take extra time off, perhaps you can see what other support you could get. What about a doula?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 29/06/2010 13:24

I can understand how you feel. I had an emcs following a 30-hour labour with DS, and I was exhausted and healed terribly slowly. Scar was infected and it was 6 weeks before I could even walk without acute discomfort.

DH had 2 weeks off, then MIL came for a week, then my Mum came for a week and then I spent a week at my parents house. I needed that, there was no way I could have coped on my own.
When we have another I expect I with have a planned section, which I would expect to recover from more quickly, but I would still want to have that support. I think DH would take 3 weeks off and then another week a month or so later.

curryfreak · 29/06/2010 13:27

I've just re-read your post. The simple answer is then, that if he cant get one month off (and i think this is an unreasonable request anyway, then postpone getting pregnant. But.. would he actually welcome been at home for a month, or are you pushing it?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 29/06/2010 13:27

curryfreak what a bizarre thing to say 'even the most devoted fathers will be desperate to get back to work'.

If we could have afforded it then DH would have taken a month's parental leave on top of his 2 weeks paternity, it was a huge wrench to him to go back to work and leave DS and I at home, he wanted to be with us.

RobynLou · 29/06/2010 13:28

I didn't realise this is currently a hypothetical situation.

When I had DD DH had his 2 weeks paternity leave and then in the following weeks had booked offf 1/2 days a week, we have no local support and it did make everything a lot nicer. It was a luxury, but it was nice.

If you feel like this though then I do agree with others that maybe you should consider waiting a bit before having another

Original poster

carriedababi · 29/06/2010 13:29

yes i know alot of people don't really understand how bad things can go wrong, had a 4th degree tear, reapair op, pph, really really struggled with bf, had to feed dd from 7pm till 5am constanltly,in the early weeks,she was constanlty bf all the time, she was losing weight was a real struggle.

and the pain i was in after for months was horrendous.

OP posts:

RobynLou · 29/06/2010 13:30

curryfreak that is an odd thing to say, DH would have loved to stay at home with us for much much longer, he relishes the time he spends looking after DD

maxpower · 29/06/2010 13:31

given that this is hypothetical, i think op is most concerned about finding out if this is possible rather than necessary iyswim. You are clearly basing this request on your previous bad experience. next time round, you may well find that the birth is far more straight forward and you recover quickly and are able to cope. so what you really want your dh to say is that if you need him there for a month, he will do his best to be there.

bintofbohemia · 29/06/2010 13:33

DH wanted to do this but he ended up taking 2 weeks paternity, going back for two weeks, then 2 weeks annual leave.

He wanted to spend time with us as a family and both my children seem to have an aversion to sleeping so it was much appreciated!

Original poster

carriedababi · 29/06/2010 13:35

yes max power, obvoiusly if i was fine, i'd be quite happy, more than happy in fact

OP posts:

Original poster

carriedababi · 29/06/2010 13:36

i can't see it being worse than last time, but then again i never expected last time things to go like that, so you never know...

OP posts:

slushy06 · 29/06/2010 13:42

OP I am sorry you had such a hard time of it last time but if you are having a elective section then many many women have only two weeks off after a elective with dp and cope. I am sure you will be fine .

bleedingheart · 29/06/2010 13:42

I don't think YABU to want this. I'm not sure about the attitude from some that seems to suggest that men don't want to be at home or aren't needed. My DH would love to take a month or two to get to know our baby.

I think your DH should at least sound out the chances of this. It's natural to worry about things like this when you went through so much the first time.

susitwoshoes · 29/06/2010 13:45

YABU, DP had a month off when DD was born, made up for 2 weeks paternity (and he has another 2 weeks due to him that he can take up until DD is 5) plus Christmas plus some holiday. Both of us are so glad that he did, it was an amazing, exhausting time and lovely that we had it together. And to be honest I can imagine wanting that to happen even more with a second child, after all they'll be 2 to look after then. Can he ask his HR department in confidence? Surely if they have enough notice cover can be arranged.

FeelLikeTweedleDee · 29/06/2010 13:46

Lulumaam How is she in a low place? Your comment is really judgemental.

OrmRenewed · 29/06/2010 13:49

In his position it's not a question of whether his employer will let him have 4 weeks off in one go, it's down to whether he thinks he can take that much time away from work. In my position I'd really struggle to take 4 weeks off without a lot of preparation beforehand and a lot of training for other people.

dixiechick1975 · 29/06/2010 13:50

If work will alow women to tack holiday onto maternity leave then they should do the same for him.

DH had the argument with work when DD was born with a disability and succeeded.

I came home from hospital with DD on the last day of his 2 week paternity leave.

tutusare4 · 29/06/2010 13:50

I don't think YABU at all!
When I had dc3 (CS) DH stayed at home for a month - it was fantastic. He loved every minute of it, I had time to be with my new baby and not feel guilty that the others would feel neglected.

When dc4 is born (another CS), DH won't be able to take all that time off, and we are having to think now how we are going to get the others to and from school during the time I can't drive. We're both hoping that somehow he can take more time off, as it proved so valuable for the whole family last time.

Weegle · 29/06/2010 13:50

Actually I think there's no harm in your DH asking work it as a hypothetical question and I can ENTIRELY understand.

I had DT's on 23rd Dec (second children) and we decided it was best for DH to have a month off (bank hols, annual leave, paternity and unpaid leave). We have no family support (and I mean none). We already have a DS. I was in hospital for the first 9 days (DT's were premmie) and I was still immobile from arthritic complications in pregnancy. Wasn't off the crutches until well in to their third week, plus recovering from CS (although to be fair that recovery was much quicker than my EMCS after long labour with DS). DH absolutely didn't want to go back to work at all - we had a wonderful time bonding as a family, I recovered to the point I could walk again and care for the children without collapsing in a tearful wreck and I'm sure that good and planned start is what means that 6 months in I'm loving it.

I think if it's a realistic need, even if 'just' for psychological reasons, then it is sensible to plan how it might happen, and if having DH for the full 4 weeks isn't an option then you have ample time to plan something else (e.g. doula, home help etc).

Original poster

carriedababi · 29/06/2010 13:52

thankyou feelliketweedledee.

thanks slushy, really hope, if there is a next time, it will be alot easier.

OP posts:

curryfreak · 29/06/2010 13:54

my dh is a devoted dad and despite the fact he works really long hours, as is often away from home he is a patient kind, and far more creative parent than me in many ways.
However, i really cherished my time alone as a new parent,- yes i couldn't wait for dh to get home in the evening, and neither could he. However, all newborns do is eat, sleep and feed,- something i found i was perfectly capable of doing by myself,- albeit sleep deprived, and generally exhausted as all new parents are.I didn't even have any family close by!Buy hey, that's what happens when you have a baby, the world doesn't stop turning!

BTW, my dh had very little leave at that point in his career, and really a week off was a luxury.
I'd like to know what kind of job allows one month paternity leave,- whether paid or not.Seems a bit ott.

isthatporridgeinyourhair · 29/06/2010 13:54

My DH took a month (2 weeks paternity, 2 weeks leave) after I had a cs with DS2. But it was during the school holidays so DS1 was at home and there wasn't really anyone else to help. It was lovely but I probably could have coped on my own if DS1 had been at school. DH's employers allowed him to do it after a bit of umming and aahing.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread