Tto think dh should take a month off work, paternity, if we have another baby

[carriedababi]

ok 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks holiday.

he reckons it might be difficult/might not be allowed the time off.

is that right?

can they stop him?

long story but had a horrendous time when dd was born, if we have another i will prob have to have a CS

last time dh only had 2 weeks off, and by the time i got home it was only a week and a half, as i was in hospital with another problem the day dd was born.
anyway won't bore you with all the details
but, i strongly feel if we have another baby i NEED him home for the first month.

"In his position it's not a question of whether his employer will let him have 4 weeks off in one go, it's down to whether he thinks he can take that much time away from work."

I work in a very similar-sounding environment and team and, year-end aside, even if the Chief Accountant was off for four weeks, we'd probably cope.

thanks to everone on this thread supporting me

yes one good thing is we can talk about it alot and we will have plenty of time to plan things.
i suppose worse case senario dh could have 2 weeks pat leave then get some help in, then 2 weeks later he can book some holiday or something.

i know alot of people just don't get, just how bad it was, and that i was in horrendous pain for months.
personally i find that a bit ignorant, but lucky them, and i did post this in aibu after all.

miflaw, thanks, nice to hear from someone that understands dh's work environment

DH is Head of Finance and the team managed absolutely fine without him

In an ideal world YANBU.

However, when dc2 is born in Sept dh will be taking a week paternity leave (which will need to cover any time Im in hospital etc too) and a week holiday. We cannot afford for him to take 2 weeks paternity leave which Im pretty gutted about.

I am just hoping and praying that labour is ok and I dont have a c section whough its reasssuring to see people on here saying 2 weeks after a section is long enough

We have no family nearby who can help really all that much as both sets of grandparents have health issues. We have friends who'll take ds1 but I dont want him feeling excluded.

Ok. I am starting to panic now!!!

YANBU!

DH had 4 weeks off -2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks holiday- when we had DS2 and again when we has DS3 (both c-sections).

It was lovely to have a longer stretch of time together and really important for the older siblings too.

Obviously it could be difficult in some industries but my husband is an accountant too and his company were supportive.

Good luck.

My dh took five weeks off when my first was born
he drove me mad and actually wasn't that much help
I still needed my mum as I was so low

Good luck with what you decide, when will you start ttc?

a bit of both (yanbu and yabu).

He is entitled to both paternity leave and holidays, which should be granted if possible, in succession. However, if the company would suffer from his absence for a month then they have the right not to grant it at that particular time.

Doesnt hurt to ask but tbh would probably depend on what time of year it is. If he's just missing routine month-end stuff, then it can probably be covered, especially as he's have 9 months to plan for it. If it's in the middle of the budget process/ year-end, then it might be viewed differently.

They can stop him as you dont have the right to take holiday whenever you want.

Also, there's always the risk that while the cat's away, the mice start jockeying for the cat's job and a month's a good opportunity to prove your worth to your boss's boss.

carrie you are right that some people who have had a very straightforward time post-birth just don't grasp how hideous it can be when things don't go to plan. I think back to how ill I was after DS, and then try and imagine looking after him AND a newborn and it doesn't bare thinking about!

We are lucky that my parents are not far away, and are now retired which they weren't when DS was born. We've already discussed that they would come and stay with us for an extended period, but as I say I know that we're fortunate to have that possibility!

Agree that workplaces can manage - DH is very senior and although there would obv. be a lot of handover to do he could be away for a month without things collapsing in his absence

Well if you have a planned c-section - the recovery time should be a lot quicker than after a 4th degree tear. That must have been awful.

I've had 3 c-sections and a DH who runs own company so can't take much time off. The key for me was to buy-in help so cleaners came more often and I was super-organised before the birth in cooking for freezer.

Also had in-laws come to stay whilst I was in hospital good job as ds2 ended up in nicu for a week and when I had dd - ds2 had chicken pox so needed to keep them separate.

So although a month off may not be feasible - you can plan to get other help - temp nanny to help with older child perhaps or family.

given that this is all hypothetical atm, and the anxiety it's creating due to previous experiences, is it fair to say that maybe you're not ready to think about having another just yet?

Sounds like you did have a horrid time last time, so I can better understand your reasons for wanting this now that you've explained, but I also misunderstood and thought that you were already pregnant!

I would def look into hiring a doula or maternity nurse next time if your finances allow.

Tbh I think that if you are not pregnant yet then your dh would look a bit silly asking such a hypothetical question at this stage (and I am familiar with his work environment).

i won't be any less concerned in a year or two though,

hopefully it would be a totally different story 2nd time around.

Carriedababi
I think your DH works in the public sector from what has been said.

I would be very very careful about him having a large block of time off at the moment. There are severe cuts in the workforce at the moment. Our own council has fired a WHOLE department. There are redundancies in other departments including finance. If 'they' can see they can manage without a member of staff I'm sure it will be noted.

I'm trying not to scare because I know what it is like. My DH had to go back to work the day following the one I came home on for both DS because he is self employed.
Maybe break the leave up eg paternity leave, a couple of days in the a couple of a/l days.

what about him working from home rather than taking holiday?

My husband had 6 weeks off and it was great having him around.

thanks for all your advice,and any practical suggestions, like i said we have plenty of time to talk things through

i really must go and pack now though, as going on holiday tonight.

thanks for the understanding, it does help.

It really annoys me when people come over all 'competitive parenting' or pregnancy...

"I can't see why you would need this, I managed to raise 15 children single handed whilst standing on my head whilst my husband saved the world so get over yourself..." really gets on my wick.

Everyone is different and everyone's needs are different. We shouldn't judge by our own experiences as it always comes across as sounding really patronising.

We're expecting our first in a few weeks and DH has 4-6 wks off unpaid. We are lucky that his work patterns have worked out like this, he has the choice to turn down work as he knows he is starting something new in Sept. Things will be tight, but it'll be worth it.

I wonder if the mnetters suggesting OP is being unreasonable are just jealous?

Maxpower I don't think they are jealous. I think most people look at how things were for them and think 'well I coped alright why can't she'

I don't think anyone has said she's being unreasonable have they? Just pointed out possible difficulties.

We've had a difficult time after each of our DC's birth; I'm physically fine, but each of our babies has been prem. With our 4th child especially, DH was in a job where taking even a week was going to be difficult, but we knew me and the baby would be in hospital for around a fortnight. What we did, was my mum came up for the first fortnight and had the other kids. DH came in to visit me and baby at work lunch break every day, and then again after work (when he met my mum and our other children at the hospital to accompany them to visit). At the end of 2 weeks when me and baby came home, he took his week of paternity leave then, so we could have some family time.

My mother was amazing, not sure what we've had done if she hadn't been lovely about suggesting and carrying through this arrangement. My friends were also brilliant about inviting my DC for playdates to give my mum some breaks, and coming to visit me at times when DH couldn't.

I guess my point is that nothing is impossible; as and when you get pregnant, you'll come up with a plan. If his work won't let him have 4 weeks off, wider family, or friends, will step in to help.