to not tell my 7yr old to play with a particular child because his mum wants him to?

[OrmRenewed]

DS#1 had a best mate since reception. They've been to each other's houses many times and were very good friends. But not so much now. They rarely play together at school. No big deal. But the other lad has a bad few days at school and 'no-one' would play with him apparently.

So his mum asked me this morning to tell DS to play with him as he's feeling left out, and implied it was DS#s fault for not being his best friend any more . She even had the cheek to compare it to the situation with her older son who left the school due to bullying - DS isn't a bully! Needless to say because I'm a soft touch and a mug I did speak to DS who looked confused and said that he was happy to play with said lad but he didn't want to play the games DS suggested.

It's not my business is it? It's up to DS who he plays with surely? Why do parents stand parents micro-manage their DC relationships?

Grrr!

No and if he is anything at all like my 7 year old (probably not!) he will go out of his way not to play with the lad because you have told him to!

All I would do it say 'I think (insert name here) is feeling a bit sad. Why do you think that is?'

Agree, you've done what you can and your ds has tried to include the other lad. It's his choice whether or not he plays with the others, from what you said it sounds like he doesn't want to play rather than noone wants to play with him.

I always feel desperately sorry for the children who do get left out - there's 7 girls in my DS's class and 6 of them have 'paired up' leaving one delightful little girl by herself. ALL YEAR. Things like this can really damage children.

My DS is 7 and I would in this instance go out of my way to stress the importance of being kind to all children. And I have asked DS to play with the girl in his class who is left out, even though he was initially reluctant (girls and all that).

It's not a big ask of popular children that they extend a hand out to the children that don't have friends. I can imagine the mum must be worried sick that her youngest son is going to be bullied like the older one. She may not have expressed herself well but if the boy really doesn't have friends then it would be nice to think that someone is making an effort.

My ds is older but recently was rejecting a good friend of his as he was, in ds's opinion, being a wimp.

I suggested to ds that as his friend seems to be having difficulties in a lot of areas at the moment (failing to get into a top crew at rowing, getting poor marks at school) that maybe this is the one time he needs a really good friend.

Told ds that loyalty is really important.

Left it at that, and now ds is definitely making more of an effort with this other lad, not just through pity but because he recognises that we all need a friend when times are crap.

Not sure whether that would work with a 7 yr old.

YANBU. Sometimes there's too many cooks for the game/rules. DS is 7 yo and his teacher told him he did not have to let a boy play as he kept spoiling the game. The boy told Granny who told ds he MUST let X play. This was witnessed by (dd 99 yo). When I reported incident to his Teacher she was fuming as was I. Funnily enough when teacher sopke to her she didn't understand because her english isn't good. It was good enough to make ds cry .

I can understand the mum maybe feeling you were a friend she could ask this of and that your son might help her son out. I would get specifics out of my son as to which game the other wee boy wouldn't play and what the other boy wanted to do, and want to check my son had made an effort and the other boy wasn't being ignored or scapegoated.
If it sounded like the other wee boy was making life hard for himself by trying to dictate what games the others played I would feed this back to his mum who could maybe encourage him to be more flexible.

My son went through a friendless phase at primary school, mainly because he disliked football which most of his friends played.
It's not nice when your son tells you he played with his imaginary friend at playtime.

I'm not for micro-managing my DC's relationship either, but I think you did the right thing in suggesting to your son to play with his former friend.

It's never too early to try and exercise some empathy towards other people, imo.

YANBU: I have no doubt that you are teaching your son to be kind and caring, but there is no point forcing him to do something he does not want to do. The other mum should raise the matter with the school rather than implying the things she has done in asking you to get your DS to play with hers.

I agree the other mum went about this in completely the wrong way and maybe if she has a "you have to do things my way" attitude her kids have picked that up from her and it's contributed to their difficulties. Kids change friends alot at school, especially primary school when their personalities are developing.

Thanks.

I think I am a bit oversensitive because I know how hard it was for her when her eldest was having a bad time. I'd hate to think she thought my lad was contributing to his friend being unhappy.

I do feel sorry for the 'left-outs' in the playground - having been one at primary school from time to time - but I don't really think that parents have a part in sorting this out unless there is active nastiness involved. IME it was just humiliating to have grown-ups stepping in and trying to force things.

Definitely not being unreasonable.

ds has recently taken to telling me that no-one wants to play with him. Further discussion always reveals that this in fact means "they didn't want to play what I wanted to play". So I tell him he has three choices:-

1. play what they're playing
2. try harder to persuade them to play what he wants
3. find some others to play with that do want to play his game.

[TBH 2 would be something of challenge as this would mostly involve persuading two girls to stop with the princess games and climb trees instead, but no harm in him trying to develop his influencing skills!]

He has to learn to deal with others and change his approach to his friends. I'll not be telling them (or telling their parents to tell them) what to do. In fact I even had a chat with one of the mothers of the girls telling her NOT to tell her daughter that she had to play with ds.

Conversely if I'd heard that he had deliberately been excluding children from playing his games, we'd be having some serious words about being considerate and thinking about how others felt.

No, parents can't really sort it out, but can certainly discuss with their children about the feelings of other people, especially if they are close, I think.

I agree that sometimes children want their own way or to adapt/take over an existing game. I tell dcs that a friend sometimes does what their friend(s) want to do as always being in charge isn't being a good friend. Sometimes ds plays alone because he is a stubborn sod and likes to be in charge. He isn't unhappy though and has lots of friends.

YANBU.

I think at 7 it's only natural that some friendships wane, whilst others are forged.

The hardest ones to perpetuate are the ones where the child's heart isn't in it.

I am currently avoiding (to the point of unplugging my phone) a mother who really really wants my almost 7 yr old dd to be best friends with her son. While they get on OK when it's just the two of them, he is a boy, she is a girl and they are quite simply into different things. A natural friendship, no matter how much the other mother wants it, is not going to happen.

I think when children are younger, often their friendships initially are conditioned by us, as we tend to know a mother who has a child the same age etc. These friendships usually quickly fall by the wayside while ones made by the children themselves will flourish.

The other mother in Orm's case would be better off trying to encourage her son to play with the children he actively wants to.

Unless it's to deal with actual nastyness from one child toward another I'd be tempted to not intervene at all. Children have the right to be friends with whom they wish, same as we do.

It's a tricky one, and I can sympathise with the left out child, as that was me for a good two years when I was younger, and it had a profound effect.

However, I have to say, it hasn't done me any lasting damage - when I got to secondary school I found a niche anyway - and frankly, finding out that people were playing with me only because their parents told them to would have stung more than just being ignored.

Your DS shouldn't 'have' to play with anyone, the same as he shouldn't be banned from playing with anyone (that was another scenario I came across when at school). If this other boy consistently doesn't want to do the things your son enjoys, then he's the one that's preventing the interaction, not your DS. Perhaps his mother needs to teach him to be more accomodating. Yes, it's fine not to only want to play what someone else wants, but there has to be give and take on both sides. It sounds like this other mother is being a little over-protective, in the nicest possible way.

I'm with StillSquiffy on this.

It's easy to be tough about it all until its your child that's struggling to fit in. I can't bear the thought of one child being left out and unhappy.

It really doen't hurt to encourage children to be friends with everyone as far as possible.

YANBU in that you can't just tell a 7yo to play with another child, and the other mother was unreasonable phrasing things that way. But it's not unreasonable for a parent to talk to children about the feelings of others around them and to try to encourage emotional intelligence and empathy (cuts both ways: your DS thinking about how child X is feeling at the moment, and child X thinking about what happens if he never plays what the other children want to play). What to do about it is up to the child, though.

"to talk to children about the feelings of others around them and to try to encourage emotional intelligence"

Yes, of course.

YANBU.

When my son was that age, another mum told him off for not playing with her daughter, and that it was tantamount to bullying! I (being a total pushover) instructed him to play with the girl, which he did. It later emerged that he was happy to play with her, but didn't always want to play the game she insisted on. She would then tell the teacher and her mum that the boys wouldn't playing with her.

Over the years, this has been repeated with different children. Now, the poor girl is 10 and doesn't really have many friends, as she seems to think everyone should do what she wants.

So, YANBU, and micro-managing DC's friends does not work in my experience. Although, of course, it is important to talk to children about the feelings of others.

What a horrible subject. What a horrible way to think about a poor little kid who no one will play with. What are you looking for? Sympathy for your own kid? He's only been asked to be a little bit kind. Of course, it's none of your business but would it really harm you to extend a bit of human kindness here.

?????

You can't force your child to play with anyone of course. But you can encourage them to rediscover the friendship especially if you know the other child is feeling hurt.

Sounds like you did this.

Why not tell the other mother what your son said - that he'd be happy to play with her son but he doesn't like the games her son suggests. That way at least she can maybe pass this on to her son, encourage him to suggest games that others like, or let others suggest the games? And if nothing else, reassure him that it's not HIM it's the games.

Sorry that was supposed to be not

bobbysmum - if your child didn't choose to play with a particular child (for whatever reason) would you honestly try and force them to?