to not tell my 7yr old to play with a particular child because his mum wants him to?

[OrmRenewed]

DS#1 had a best mate since reception. They've been to each other's houses many times and were very good friends. But not so much now. They rarely play together at school. No big deal. But the other lad has a bad few days at school and 'no-one' would play with him apparently.

So his mum asked me this morning to tell DS to play with him as he's feeling left out, and implied it was DS#s fault for not being his best friend any more . She even had the cheek to compare it to the situation with her older son who left the school due to bullying - DS isn't a bully! Needless to say because I'm a soft touch and a mug I did speak to DS who looked confused and said that he was happy to play with said lad but he didn't want to play the games DS suggested.

It's not my business is it? It's up to DS who he plays with surely? Why do parents stand parents micro-manage their DC relationships?

Grrr!

OK. Well I did ask DS because I felt sorry for the boy, but I still don't think I should have in some ways. It's not a parents' job to fix and manage everything in a child's life. I feel condfident that DS hadn't been unkind and I was proved right.

no i think we obviously don't agree on a lot of this, but i can see where you are coming from
i don't think you did the wrong thing by asking him
it seldom hurts to try to be kind i think, and i am sure your ds would disregard the advice if he felt it to be inappropriate, once in the playground!

I think what upset me was the way the mother phrased it which implied that DS was guilty of contributing to the 'bullying' of this boy because he wasn't playing with him. And a few months back DS was upset because no-one would play with him - but he got over it. It happens. I didn't expect the other mum to step it and make it alright.

If she has just said 'X was a bit sad, he hasn't got anyone to play with' it would have been quite different.

I can see both "sides" (to assume a dichotomy that isn't really there).

I can understand the other mother's upset (been there), but not her methods. To answer your question, ORM, People are tempted to micro-manage their DCs relationships because they feel desperate to help them and don't always know the best way to go about it.

But, I agree with Orm, that beyond teaching your child about other people's feelings, you cannot force a friendship.

DS1 has been left out on occasion and it makes me desperately sad for him, and at times, resent his friends who have been unkind (not deliberately - most of the time). I have had to hold myself back from doing what this woman did. But I feel my job is to try and help him withstand that and build up his defences.

X post Orm. I can see why that upset you. Your DS is not a bully.

the other mother must feel very worried that it's going to escalate as it did with her elder son, though - you can see her point of view
is there any underlying cause to both boys having some trouble with friendships? could anyone step in and help? or is she kind of over-reacting to this because of what happened before? it must have been pretty bad for her son to actually change schools

Yes it was awful. One child wouldn't let him alone. The school tried but nothing worked. He then had more trouble after he moved schools with bullying. I feel for him and his mum, I really do.

Which made it worse. I had listened and sympathised and tried to offer advice all the time she was so worried. She actually said 'After L was bullied for so long I can't bear to see it again. I didn't think J (my ds) was like that' Or words to that effect. Which riled me. As it would.

no it's not on to blame your ds
she probably realises though that one child in a group can make a big difference if he was sticking up for this child
why do the others not want to play with him, do you know?

i have discovered that it is quite a big ask for DCs to stick up for someone who is getting teased (I know that's not what's going on here). Most DCs are just glad it's not happening to them, but hopefully will show their kindness in other ways

it is a big ask and obviously they have to watch their own backs, i do get that
but i think we should still show them what adults would do - well hopefully what we would do!

yy - I agree It would be the proudest feeling for me if I heard one of mine had stuck up for a friend - sadly it's just not happening for DS at the moment.

(sorry for digression Orm)

A general I've tried to instil in my kids on the playground is that if it's a large-scale group game, like tag or football, then all should be allowed or hopefully even invited to play.

But kids should be allowed to have a private friendship or game with one or two close buddies without the need to invite others just to be polite or fair, and shouldn't be coerced into pity play on a small group level.

Same as adults, really - there are people you don't have much in common with whom you can tolerate for a bit of group chat at the toddler group, but you wouldn't invite them round to your house for a one-to-one coffee.

gah - 'a general RULE I've tried...'