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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not tell my 7yr old to play with a particular child because his mum wants him to?

63 replies

OrmRenewed · 29/06/2010 12:54

DS#1 had a best mate since reception. They've been to each other's houses many times and were very good friends. But not so much now. They rarely play together at school. No big deal. But the other lad has a bad few days at school and 'no-one' would play with him apparently.

So his mum asked me this morning to tell DS to play with him as he's feeling left out, and implied it was DS#s fault for not being his best friend any more . She even had the cheek to compare it to the situation with her older son who left the school due to bullying - DS isn't a bully! Needless to say because I'm a soft touch and a mug I did speak to DS who looked confused and said that he was happy to play with said lad but he didn't want to play the games DS suggested.

It's not my business is it? It's up to DS who he plays with surely? Why do parents stand parents micro-manage their DC relationships?

Grrr!

OP posts:
CoupleofKooks · 29/06/2010 19:17

i would encourage my child to play with another child who was being left out, yes
it's the decent thing to do and i expect him to be kind and think of others where possible (it does not always work but it's not unreasonable to try)
i don't understand why where kids' friendships are concerned people often think you must leave them to fend for themselves
if it were the same situation within your own children in your family, eg one child being left out and feeling lonely, would you not step in to ask the siblings to try to be kind to that child? or would you just leave them to it?
i sometimes think people shrug about playground stuff and say 'you have to leave them to it' because it's easier, and they don't give much of a shit about the other children

Original poster
OrmRenewed · 29/06/2010 19:18

"said that he was happy to play with said lad but he didn't want to play the games DS suggested. "

Did you read this bit?

OP posts:
CoupleofKooks · 29/06/2010 19:24

looks like you only wanted one answer, Orm - schoolboy error to post in AIBU in that case

Original poster
OrmRenewed · 29/06/2010 19:27

No kooks, I repeat, did you read this bit? "he said that he was happy to play with said lad but he didn't want to play the games DS suggested. "

DS wasn't excluding the boy, he didn't want to play the same things. I think it's quite reasonable to allow a 7yr old to play what and with whom he wishes, not satisfy as adults social conscience.

OP posts:
bobbysmum07 · 29/06/2010 19:27

I wouldn't be posting messages on the internet, implying that my child had been hard done by because he'd been asked to be a little bit kind, that's for sure.

Bucharest · 29/06/2010 19:28

What age are you going to let your children choose their own friendships then?

No-one is saying that Orm's son should be allowed to be horrid to the other boy, and she herself has said, as everyone has, that they would encourage kindness. But there's a difference between that and forcing a friendship that just isn't there naturally.

Original poster
OrmRenewed · 29/06/2010 19:29

I don't feel he's been hard done by. I feel it was unreasonable to imply that my son was being unfair/bullying not to play with a particular child.

I repeat - would you honestly force your child to play a game/ with a child that they didn't choose to?

OP posts:
Original poster
OrmRenewed · 29/06/2010 19:30

Thanks goodness for that bucharest! I thought had entered a parallel universe.

OP posts:
bobbysmum07 · 29/06/2010 19:33

I can't be bothered arguing the point actually. If you can't see that you're wrong here, that's your problem frankly. Good luck to you and your son. Let's hope he's never in the position of needing a friend.

Bucharest · 29/06/2010 19:33

Well, me too, to be honest!

May I offer your son my daughter's hand in marriage? I can see that you are not going to be one of those loon MILs that never quite gets over the fact that they didn't get to choose the wifelet.

CoupleofKooks · 29/06/2010 19:33

but you said that you wouldn't ask him just because his mum would like you to
i took that as meaning you wouldn't ask him, not that you had asked him and he had given you a good reason why not to
you also said "It's not my business is it? It's up to DS who he plays with surely? Why do parents stand parents micro-manage their DC relationships?"

the thing about the other boy not wanting to play the same games as your ds is irrelevant, you weren't going to ask your ds to play with him anyway, even though it would be the kind thing to do

Bucharest my son does choose his own friendships and always has done, but i would encourage him to make the right choices, as i would in any other area of his life
i would never force him to be friends with anyone, but i would tell him what i consider the right thing to do, and hope that he is influenced by that

CoupleofKooks · 29/06/2010 19:34

what is this forcing thing? it's a bizarre leap from asking him to play with someone who's being left out, to 'forcing him'

Original poster
OrmRenewed · 29/06/2010 19:35

"I can't be bothered arguing the point actually." Ah I see

OP posts:
mumblechum · 29/06/2010 19:36

Kooks, try reading what Orm actually said. Seems like you've missed out large chunks and are labouring under a misapprehension.

Original poster
OrmRenewed · 29/06/2010 19:37

Well what's the point of 'asking' if he isn't going to do it? Unless you are intending to take away his freedom of choice. Which is the same as forcing. Either children get to choose their friendships and playmates or they don't. If you trust your child to be kind (and I do) you can't do more.

OP posts:
CoupleofKooks · 29/06/2010 19:39

what did i misapprehend about the OP and title?

"AIBU to not tell my 7yr old to play with a particular child because his mum wants me to?"

"It's not my business is it? It's up to DS who he plays with surely? Why do parents stand parents micro-manage their DC relationships?"

i don't agree with this - just because i read it and don't come to the same verdict as you, doesn't mean i am confused

Original poster
OrmRenewed · 29/06/2010 19:40

So you do micromanage your DC's relationships ?

OP posts:
CoupleofKooks · 29/06/2010 19:42

"Well what's the point of 'asking' if he isn't going to do it? Unless you are intending to take away his freedom of choice. Which is the same as forcing."

the point of asking is that it lets my child know my views on the matter and shows him what i believe is the right thing to do

this will hopefully influence his actions as i believe we have a good relationship and that he (sometimes) respects my opinion
i want him to share my ethics and i think talking about situations like this is an important way to do that

if he chooses to go and do something different, i can't stop him - i won't even be there! also i agree it is not right to force a child to take certain decisions about friendships

however i am not going to throw in the towel and say "oh well i can't force him so i am going to leave it entirely up to him"

i wouldn't force my child to eat healthy food, either, but i'd certainly put it on their plate and tell them why it would be a good idea for them to eat it

HerHonesty · 29/06/2010 19:44

yabu... if you put yourself in the mothers position, and allow her a little leeway for being worried about her ds. of course its not for you to micromanage, but as others have suggested, talking to children about others feelings can start at any age.

Francagoestohollywood · 29/06/2010 19:45

The thread title is misleading, as Orm actually talked to her ds about the little lad who feels left out.

I don't think you've been a soft touch in doing so Orm. You did the right thing! As I said encouraging empathy is always worthwhile.

Francagoestohollywood · 29/06/2010 19:45

The thread title is misleading, as Orm actually talked to her ds about the little lad who feels left out.

I don't think you've been a soft touch in doing so Orm. You did the right thing! As I said encouraging empathy is always worthwhile.

Original poster
OrmRenewed · 29/06/2010 19:45

Well that's where we part company I guess. I teach my children my ethics and morals as best I can. But then I have to leave it to them to a large extent. If I knew that my DC were deliberately upsetting someone I'd have something to say. But that isn't the case.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrmRenewed · 29/06/2010 19:49

"the thing about the other boy not wanting to play the same games as your ds is irrelevant"

No it isn't. It's central.

OP posts:
CoupleofKooks · 29/06/2010 19:49

i find your OP very conflicted really, on one hand you are saying you spoke to him, but then you state as i have quoted too many times now, that you feel it was none of your business, etc

i don't micro manage my son's friendships, no
i don't agree that what the other mother has asked is micro-managing
i think asking your ds to play with him is the right thing to do
if he decides not too then you have still done the right thing
i think your OP is perhaps giving the wrong iinformation - it says you have spoken to ds about the situation but not asked him to play with the boy as you think it's up to him

if that's not what you meant, then perhaps i don't disagree with you! but i do disagree with the title and the parts that i quoted, as i said

CoupleofKooks · 29/06/2010 19:51

"I teach my children my ethics and morals as best I can. But then I have to leave it to them to a large extent"

absolutely
that's what i do as well - where did you get a different impression?
your title and OP however stated that you were not going to get involved with this situation as it was none of your business
i think as adults we have a duty to tell children what we think the correct thing to do in a situation is - while they are young like this anyway
whether they choose to follow our advice is as you say up to them
but i don't think we should say nothing because "we can't force them"