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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be outraged at what my friend thinks is an appropriate way to discipline her son who has Aspergers

78 replies

AgentZigzag · 26/06/2010 15:42

It's a Facebook one I'm afraid, but please don't switch off because it is.

I don't go much on fb, just to have a nosey at what friends and family are up to.

I have a really good friend of 20 odd years who has a son with Aspergers who's 12, and they both have fb accounts.

She's been having problems with his behaviour recently, and AFAIK has been getting help for them both from the school etc.

I've just gone on fb, and he has this as his fb status

'I am a stupid twt. I deserve everything I get for telling me mum to go fck her mum, every day and wrecking her home every time I don't get my own way. I am a lazy fat slob who expects my mum to do EVERYTHING for me. I don't deserve her yet I push her to her limit every day purely because I am a selfish spoilt brat.'

And my friend and another person have said they 'like' this status. I'm presuming she has written it on her sons status (for other people to comment on, and people have started to), or made him write it.

My problem is what do I do? Obviously I could just let the friendship go, I'm shaking with rage at what she's done, but she's a single parent and not being funny but I could be the only one who has the balls to say something to her about it because of the length of time we've known each other. She wont listen to her parents etc, if I did say something it would probably end the friendship anyway as she doesn't really take kindly to hearing stuff she doesn't like, but at least someone would have said something.

I was going to namechange in case she read this, but why should I? She seems to think it is acceptable to write this on fb for everyone to see, so must think it's an appropriate way of parenting.

Yes she's having trouble coping, yes he's having trouble with his behaviour, there is no excuse for writing this.

If it's got to this level of 'abuse' to try and make him change the way he behaves she really must be at the very end of her tether with him. So although I'm disgusted in what she's done, I don't want to abandon her, she really is a lovely person and has come through such a lot to bring her son up on her own, I would be really grateful if you could give me your thoughts on this.

Should I write a 'comment'? WTF can I put?

OP posts:

Wordsonascreen · 26/06/2010 15:46

I think WTF just about covers it comment wise.

duchesse · 26/06/2010 15:49

Well...

On the one hand, no, that is no way to discipline a child.

On the other hand, I think you'd have walk a mile in her shoes before you could understand quite how close to the end of her tether she must be to have done that (assuming she is the instigator/author). NT teenagers are bad enough in terms of pushing the limits, but AS teens could really get to you I would imagine. She must be at her wits' end. I would give her a ring and ask her in the nicest possible way if she needs any help/support. If you don't know her well enough to do that, then I suggest hiding them from your news feed.

prozacfairy · 26/06/2010 15:51

Second the WTF comment. I have never had to live day to day with someone who has Aspergers syndrome so dunno how hard it can be but this seems not only out of order for mum to do but incredibly childish no matter how much her son has hit her limit. If she wants respect from her DS she's going about it in a funny way- how can he learn how to behave if his mother is so immature?

southeastastra · 26/06/2010 15:53

as the other poster suggested pick up the phone and speak to her yourself.

adding a comment on facebook can only inflame the situation (and you don't know the facts fully)

Mouseface · 26/06/2010 15:54

My take on this is that she 'likes' the fact that he's aware of his behaviour towards his mother.

I doubt she made him write it. That would be awful and very cruel on her part.

It sounds like they both need more support......

werewolf · 26/06/2010 15:55

He may have written it himself, in a fit of self-loathing.

Why don't you ring your friend and offer your support?

troublewithtalk · 26/06/2010 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Besom · 26/06/2010 15:59

Does she live near you? I'd be inclined to raise it with her face to face, or at least over the telephone, rather than leaving a comment on fb, which may just put her on the defensive.

Original poster

AgentZigzag · 26/06/2010 16:02

I don't recon he's written it TBH, and even if he had she's 'accepted' it by saying she liked the status. I would be incredibly worried if my DC wrote this anywhere, and if this is an insight into how he feels about himself, that's just as bad to me.

I'm questioning myself as to why I haven't rung her, probably because of what I said above, I'd just get a mouthfull of abuse, even if I went in to the conversation in a supportive way. She'd see it as a criticism, which it would be of course.

She doesn't live near unfortunately.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 26/06/2010 16:03

sounds horrible - but it might be that she lost it with him for being rude to her, said stuff in the heat of the moment, he has taken it on board and written it in his FB - although that doesn't explain why she 'likes' his comment - that is a bit odd.

I would stay out of it if I were you.

Original poster

AgentZigzag · 26/06/2010 16:09

Thumbwitch, there are three more people who 'like' the comment, and another who has said he should be thinking about how he treats her. Nobody has yet said they think it's wrong, and probably wont.

I know the lad very well, and even though he has problems he's also polite, caring and capable and I don't want him thinking like this

He's not a twat, he's not a fat slob and he's not a selfish spoilt brat...he's a child with aspergers.

OP posts:

qk · 26/06/2010 16:13

Agree with werewolf that he could have written it himself.

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/06/2010 16:14

you are assumng quite a lot in your OP

thumbwitch · 26/06/2010 16:17

Send him a private message then, AgentZZ - tell him that you think he is doing himself an injustice and you are sad to see that he thinks that about himself - see how/if he responds.

A bit of personal encouragement would help most people, although I don't know about AS children - but at least then you'd feel like you had let him know that he is NOT thought badly of by everyone, without going public about it and possibly causing an upset with your friend.

chegirlmonkeybutt · 26/06/2010 17:02

My son has ASD and he cant write yet as he has LD too. But he does say stuff a bit like this. Not too often thank goodness but he does say he is rubbish and naughty.

He says 'its all my fault' a lot.

I have a NT 16yr old and he is a real challenge (putting it politely). I am quite scared about my child with ASD getting to adolescence as I can only think its going to be much much more difficult.

I think its possible that your friends boy wrote this.
His mum could have done it as a punishment (like those horrible signs victorian children had to wear - I BITE). Which is horrible in the cold light of day.

If she did do it I doubt it was done in the cold light of day though. Although if she did it in a fit of despair at his behaviour, she could have deleted it by now.

Even kids with ASD cannot be allowed to just get on with appalling behaviour. I dont think this sort of public humiliation is the answer.

onagar · 26/06/2010 17:11

You accept that she might be at the end of her tether, but you're still ok with putting her down on here in public instead of offering to help her in any way you can.

You say more or less that it's ok for you to do it publicly because she did (though you are only guessing that is true).

So when did two wrongs ever make a right? She has an excuse (if she even did it). What is yours?

Maybe what she needs is better friends.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 26/06/2010 17:14

I also think he wrote it, he is probably full of self loathing at treating his mum badly, I doubt she forced him to write it or she wrote it.

And blaming her if this is how he feels about himself is not helpful either, from what I know people with AS can have strong negative feelings and emotions, often directed at themselves.

pagwatch · 26/06/2010 17:18

Agent

if it were me I would contact her and say 'I have seens your DSs message. Are you both OK? It seemed terribly sad to me but maybe I am misunderstanding. Can I help?'

If she is a good friend then she will not mind if you have not understood what is going on between them. If she needs support you will have offered it. If he needs support you may be able to offer that by helping your friend with frustration or anger

Trouble is. We parents who get children with SN do not get given angelic patience ( which is why I hate all that deifying shit about SN mums). We lose it, we get angry, we get frustrated - same as everyone else. We are no different from every other parent who has screamed at their child or slapped them and felt just terrible afterwards.

Equally we are dealing with children who have a different view of the world and that view varies from child to child. So my DS for example needs me to be short with him. So when we are out I have to say 'sit down' or 'pick it up'. Please makes him inexplicably upset.
So to the rest ofthe world I look a cow but actually what I am doing is what he needs.

FWIW I worry about a child with aspergers feeling and articulating such negativity about himself. i would not be happy reading that. But I would want to talk to the mum before I decided that she was making matters worse rather than better.
And I would probably guess that he had written it.I have heard such things before.( Although not from my DS who thinks he is just bloody marvellous )

MorrisZapp · 26/06/2010 17:20

Why are you friends with somebody who gives a mouthful of abuse in return for a supportive phone call?

I have to say you don't sound very supportive, you say you are outraged, and you have assumed with no proof that this FB post was written as a punishment when you don't really have any reason to think that.

EricNorthmansmistress · 26/06/2010 17:21

If he did write it then she should be speaking to her son in person about how he feels - not clicking 'like' on facebook. Either way, it dreadful. I would send her a PM or text saying you were really shocked to read X's status - are she and he ok? Then take it from whatever she says to tjhat.

chegirlmonkeybutt · 26/06/2010 17:22

Is it not quite common for children with Aspergers to become depressed when they reach adolescence? I think I have read somewhere that puberty hits them particularly hard?

Or is that a myth. There are so many I cant always tell. I am still waiting for DS to become a maths genius or paint like Van Gough

2shoes · 26/06/2010 17:22

I couldn't be friends with her....end off

2shoes · 26/06/2010 17:24

damm.posted too soon
meant to add.....
if she made him write it

Goblinchild · 26/06/2010 17:28

As the parent of an Aspie teen, I'd say it's perfectly possible that he wrote it himself, unless you are going to add that he's not academically able enough to physically write it.
Certainly I've heard stuff like it from children with ASCs, self-loathing of the 'I'd be better off dead and everyone would be happy'
'I should just run out into the traffic and kill myself' variety.
It was a poor choice for her to 'like' it, but she may be at screaming point and has been for weeks.
I'd do the supportive message, to him as well as her. They need to find a way through this and friendship may help.

Original poster

AgentZigzag · 26/06/2010 17:31

I really do appreciate all your posts, thank you.

I accept I have made hasty assumptions which may be wrong, but the bare bones of it are that it's on his status and she has agreed with it. I can see what you mean mouse, but she hasn't said he's wrong thinking those awful things about himself which upsets me.

Perhaps it's that I don't want to believe that's come from an eleven year old (I made a mistake saying he was twelve), aspergers or not, why would you let/encourage your son to think like that?

You may be right onagar, perhaps I'm not a good friend to her. I posted for advice on what to do, if I didn't care about him or her I could ignore it I suppose. If I say or do nothing I'm going along with it, if I say something I'm interfering...

That's a really good insight pagwatch, thanks. She constantly puts her parenting skills down, and I do reassure her that I think she's doing a brilliant job.

OP posts:

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