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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be outraged at what my friend thinks is an appropriate way to discipline her son who has Aspergers

78 replies

AgentZigzag · 26/06/2010 15:42

It's a Facebook one I'm afraid, but please don't switch off because it is.

I don't go much on fb, just to have a nosey at what friends and family are up to.

I have a really good friend of 20 odd years who has a son with Aspergers who's 12, and they both have fb accounts.

She's been having problems with his behaviour recently, and AFAIK has been getting help for them both from the school etc.

I've just gone on fb, and he has this as his fb status

'I am a stupid twt. I deserve everything I get for telling me mum to go fck her mum, every day and wrecking her home every time I don't get my own way. I am a lazy fat slob who expects my mum to do EVERYTHING for me. I don't deserve her yet I push her to her limit every day purely because I am a selfish spoilt brat.'

And my friend and another person have said they 'like' this status. I'm presuming she has written it on her sons status (for other people to comment on, and people have started to), or made him write it.

My problem is what do I do? Obviously I could just let the friendship go, I'm shaking with rage at what she's done, but she's a single parent and not being funny but I could be the only one who has the balls to say something to her about it because of the length of time we've known each other. She wont listen to her parents etc, if I did say something it would probably end the friendship anyway as she doesn't really take kindly to hearing stuff she doesn't like, but at least someone would have said something.

I was going to namechange in case she read this, but why should I? She seems to think it is acceptable to write this on fb for everyone to see, so must think it's an appropriate way of parenting.

Yes she's having trouble coping, yes he's having trouble with his behaviour, there is no excuse for writing this.

If it's got to this level of 'abuse' to try and make him change the way he behaves she really must be at the very end of her tether with him. So although I'm disgusted in what she's done, I don't want to abandon her, she really is a lovely person and has come through such a lot to bring her son up on her own, I would be really grateful if you could give me your thoughts on this.

Should I write a 'comment'? WTF can I put?

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 26/06/2010 17:33

'aspergers or not, why would you let/encourage your son to think like that?'

You think we do? You muppet.

CarmenSanDiego · 26/06/2010 17:41

I'm quite horrified that any adult could click 'like' on a post written by a child like this. A post where he calls himself a 'fat slob'? The fact that he has Aspergers just makes it worse.

I'm also amazed at how people are criticising the OP for being unsupportive. Damn right she's unsupportive. No-one should be supporting this behaviour from a parent whether she's at the end of her tether or not. If she IS at the end of the tether, there are far more constructive ways of dealing with it and seeking help.

Personally, I couldn't be friends with someone who could make or encourage their child to post something like this. (And clicking 'like' is absolutely encouraging it). If I had a child who posted this out of self-loathing, no matter what they had done, I'd be scooping them up and hugging them, not confirming their words publically.

I'd also be disgusted if any of my friends clicked 'like' on something like this. It shows what sort of people she hangs around with if they react with this sort of smirky approval rather than comfort to the lad.

Goblinchild · 26/06/2010 17:45

'I'd be scooping them up and hugging them, not confirming their words publically.'

Mine would punch you, headbutt and if you didn't let go, he'd bite. That was at 12.
She needs support from people who know what they are doing, and he needs a way out of the corner he's trapped himself in. Neither of which can be done over the net. Is their an ASD support group in your area where she can access that support?

Original poster
AgentZigzag · 26/06/2010 17:45

I disagree Goblin, she has by not deleting the post and saying she 'liked' it, and I'd prefer you to not to call me a muppet thanks.

When you say 'you think we do?' I haven't commented on anyone elses parenting, only hers.

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 26/06/2010 17:49

'Is their an ASD support group'

If I'm too irritated to spell correctly, then I shouldn't be on this thread.
OP, YANBU because you are judging from your own experience and understanding. Which is very far away from that of a parent with a teenager on the spectrum.

pagwatch · 26/06/2010 17:51

Carmen

My DS was away from home for the last few days.
He pinched a helper.
He emailed me telling me what he had done and he absoloutely needed me to confirm to him thatthat was naughty and he shouldn't have done it.
When he got home he then needed me to say it again and tell him he was bad.This was in front of his visiting grandma.

It is not what I would chose to do. Frankly it breaks my heart. But I love him too much to pick him up and hug him. To do that would be to give him what i want rather than that which he needs.

So I have to say I disagree with your sweeping assumption and your propsals as to how this young man needs to be helped. Neither you nor I know what he needs. We can only guess. We should have the humility not to pretend there is one right choice that we can make from this distance

CarmenSanDiego · 26/06/2010 17:58

Pagwatch, confirming that a child has behaved in an inappropriate way is worlds away from confirming that the child is a 'lazy fat slob' etc.

I strongly object that a child 'needs' to be told he is bad. He has behaved badly, maybe. He IS bad, no.

Of course there is not one right choice, but I don't believe that name calling and affirming this sort of language can ever be the right choice.

NorthernSky · 26/06/2010 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LongStory · 26/06/2010 18:02

Goblinchild knows what she's talking about and has helped me out with how to deal with my difficult AS son approaching this age. I lost the plot with him last Monday and said some terrible things. He's been an angel all week - relatively. It's a very challenging syndrome in the most difficult years, and the best thing you can do to support this family is to stand with them and listen/love as they work their way through it.

CarmenSanDiego · 26/06/2010 18:05

Yes, I take back the part about hugging. Obviously it depends on the child. Mine would be crushed if I called her names or accepted her calling herself names.

I still don't believe that the proper way of dealing with any child, whatever their needs is to use abusive language or encourage them to use abusive language about themselves.

GoblinChild is absolutely right that the family need specific help.

I'm still revolted by the 'friends' who pile in to 'like' this horrible status though. Those words are abusive whether he wrote them himself or was coerced into writing them.

pagwatch · 26/06/2010 18:07

Actually your post proves my point.
Of course there is not one choice. And that includes the notion that you cannot,without knowing my son make your assertion that no child needs to be told he is bad.

That shows how little you know.

My son needs "is bad" because he has not the language skills to cope with He knows he is loved, he knows that the 'bad' refers to the oinching. I confirm the pinching is bad. But, for him, "is bad" is the phrase that needs to be confirmed to him in order that he can move on.

To voice your strong objection to the use of 'is bad' may make you feel morally superior but actually it simply highluights that, in this case, you have not the slightest notion of what you aretalking about. And your objection is uninformed, judgemental and wrong

oldandgreynow · 26/06/2010 18:09

Stay out of it.They've had a sqabble and it doesn't concern you and your judgey Pants

Original poster
AgentZigzag · 26/06/2010 18:11

I totally accept that Goblin, and the fact that I really like the lad upsets me and I'm wonder what to do for the best, which is why I'm on here.

They do get professional help, and I do talk to her about him, but I don't want to make things worse by bringing it up (however nicely said, it's still highlighting it and she might feel I'm judging her) or the possibility she'll not take kindly to me saying something and wont talk to me at all. Ignore it and I'm ignoring his obvious distress.

I don't know if it's relevant, but she has posted stuff in her status saying things to him like (IIRC) 'If you leave your dirty undies down the back of the sofa again you wont be having your computer'. It's the humiliation that his friends at school and family can read that gets to me as well.

Perhaps it's her way of asking for help? Is that possible?

OP posts:
Original poster
AgentZigzag · 26/06/2010 18:13

Thanks oldandgrey, it does concern me, I'm very concerned for them.

OP posts:
pagwatch · 26/06/2010 18:14

actually, it shows what a minefield it is. I try to explain how my son reacts and get told that the way I deal with him, and how his ed psych and school deal with him, is objectionable..

Agent
I hope you get some good advice . Goblin is usually brilliant help. I hope the friends son gets some support. But I must hide thread before I lose my temper

Original poster
AgentZigzag · 26/06/2010 18:17

Thanks for posting pagwatch.

OP posts:
MojoLost · 26/06/2010 18:27

This is the reason why I don't have a facebook account. Why do people publish their lives in the open like this for everyone to know and to judge. I will never understand it.

CarmenSanDiego · 26/06/2010 18:31

Pagwatch, maybe I am ignorant then, I'm absolutely willing to learn but saying to a child, "You are bad" rather than "Pinching is bad" or "You behaved badly" contradicts everything I have learned about child development, whether SN or NT. Not sure where moral superiority comes into it. As I say, willing to learn though and interested in any books or references which talk about this.

But talking about the child in question, I doubt all the people clicking 'like' on his status are well informed on his needs or language ability. They are however confirming abusive language and negative self-image.

oldandgreynow · 26/06/2010 20:26

Or maybe they 'like' the fact that he is recognising and acknowledging that his behaviour towards his family is unacceptable.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 26/06/2010 20:27

Yes, if they did not use the words tw*t and fat slob etc I could understand their motives better.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 26/06/2010 20:30

ie to make him understand what is unacceptable behaviour, and in fact him acknowledging this is a breakthrough, their language is perhaps just a bit choice.

oldandgreynow · 26/06/2010 20:33

he calls himself a tw*t and a fat slob, not those who 'like 'it as I understand

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 26/06/2010 20:35

oops, yes, sorry, I mean his language was choice and still they "Liked" it....

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 26/06/2010 20:36

Could he have got into her account and added the "liked it" bit??

I have a son with ADHD (which is on the autistic spectrum albeit mildly6) and they are incredibly difficult teenagers. So an autistic one must be even worse, and to be on your own copiong with it must test her to the abosulte limit.

Sounds like she needs a day off and an arm round her shoulders.

5DollarShake · 26/06/2010 20:43

I am 8 months pregnant, and looking after my 17 month old by myself this weekend as my husband is away and I was at the end of my tether by the time I put DS to bed.

I utterly take my hat off to all single parents for how they cope - let alone any with SN children.

She really quite blindlingly obviously needs help and support (or even just a frigging break), not someone who doesn't know the full facts or what life is actually like for her getting all outraged.

Agree with everyone else who says offer her some support.