To be outraged at what my friend thinks is an appropriate way to discipline her son who has Aspergers

[AgentZigzag]

It's a Facebook one I'm afraid, but please don't switch off because it is.

I don't go much on fb, just to have a nosey at what friends and family are up to.

I have a really good friend of 20 odd years who has a son with Aspergers who's 12, and they both have fb accounts.

She's been having problems with his behaviour recently, and AFAIK has been getting help for them both from the school etc.

I've just gone on fb, and he has this as his fb status

'I am a stupid twt. I deserve everything I get for telling me mum to go fck her mum, every day and wrecking her home every time I don't get my own way. I am a lazy fat slob who expects my mum to do EVERYTHING for me. I don't deserve her yet I push her to her limit every day purely because I am a selfish spoilt brat.'

And my friend and another person have said they 'like' this status. I'm presuming she has written it on her sons status (for other people to comment on, and people have started to), or made him write it.

My problem is what do I do? Obviously I could just let the friendship go, I'm shaking with rage at what she's done, but she's a single parent and not being funny but I could be the only one who has the balls to say something to her about it because of the length of time we've known each other. She wont listen to her parents etc, if I did say something it would probably end the friendship anyway as she doesn't really take kindly to hearing stuff she doesn't like, but at least someone would have said something.

I was going to namechange in case she read this, but why should I? She seems to think it is acceptable to write this on fb for everyone to see, so must think it's an appropriate way of parenting.

Yes she's having trouble coping, yes he's having trouble with his behaviour, there is no excuse for writing this.

If it's got to this level of 'abuse' to try and make him change the way he behaves she really must be at the very end of her tether with him. So although I'm disgusted in what she's done, I don't want to abandon her, she really is a lovely person and has come through such a lot to bring her son up on her own, I would be really grateful if you could give me your thoughts on this.

Should I write a 'comment'? WTF can I put?

I do offer support to her 5Dollar, and also take my hat off to all single parents.

I've read back my OP and realise I wrote it when I was angry, and at the time yes I was outraged on the lads behalf. I see now that I did make assumptions and that there are other possibilities for what was written there.

I'm glad that I posted the OP, because it has made me see those other sides to what may be going on, which I suppose I didn't see before because I don't have direct experience of children who have SN.

If I'd have said something to her before I posted this thread, I might have said something I regretted.

Good that you had this place to be vent! It's nice that you're concerned. Sometimes it's more than just the obvious party who needs the concern as well.

I agree with all those who say that the boy might have written it himself. I have an AS child, and anything is possible. It is also possible that she wrote it because she's so, so, so completely at the end of her tether. I'd go for the supportive approach. My experience of parenting non-AS children is that it's hard. Parenting an AS child is excruciating. I am the most patient person I know, and I have still been driven beyond any reasonable limits.

Bit off tangent here but at 11 he shouldn't have a FB account - the minimum age limit is 13. That said, I agree it sounds like the mum may well just be validating him the way he needs, according to his condition. Perhaps just ask her in passing how he's doing, next time you speak.

DS2 has severely limited language use.
His use of language is not sophisticated and is based around his broad understanding of concepts, driven by rote phrases and echolaia.

He uses "is bad". It encompasses everything he understands about naughtiness or cheekiness right through to genuinely bad behaviour.

he needs me to use the phrase "is bad" so that I am confirming to him that what he did was something he understood as inappropriate and thet he feels upset/worried/bad about it.

Only then, once he believes that I understand that he was naughty, can we try and work through his difficult emotions around that.

I use this language deliberately. I use it based upon everything I know and understand about both his use of language and his simplistic concepts of guilt, blame and responsibility. I use it in order to connect with him so that I can then comfort him and help him understand how to avoid difficulties in future.

So. My point was and is that everything that you understand about child development and behaviour may not encompass a child whose very complicated ASD and delayed speech, OCD and LDs in exactly my sons presentation.

To say you blame the behaviour and notthe child is fabulous.. day 1 , lesson 1 of child development course 1:!.

But it fits not a jot to my son.

And to trot out your understanding of everything you know about child development, in the face of my explaining that this is my much loved child with whom I work daily and about whom I gain advice and support from Ed psych and the staff at his ASD specific school, is glib. Trotting out 'blaming the behaviour and not the child' is gauche and rude

Just report it to facebook.

I get you, here's my tuppence to go with yours.
I had a child in class who was severe Downs and non-verbal. I had to learn Makaton.
If she did something that she knew was inappropriate, she would sign 'bad' and hit herself until I accepted that she knew what she had done was bad. I would sigh 'Yes' and 'Bad' back to her. She'd stop.
Then we'd work on fixing it.
I had to work within her understanding, although yes, in my other relationships with children, I always made the distinction between poor choices, and the child being bad.

Thank you Goblin

Of course he is not bad. My boy is bloody gorgeous. But he needs that phrase to finish the emotion so that we can move on to recovering from the upset.

It's tricky when you feel that you are speaking in tongues, isn't it?

my whole life ...

But remember

You Are Not Alone.

Thank the deity of your choosing for the Internet

If I'm understanding it properly, the language has to be very black and white, and may be different to what you would say to a child who doesn't have SN?

When he says he's a twat/selfish/bratty/lazy, these could be taken as his point of view, and although not right (to me) are a matter of opinion.

But it's the fat slob that stands out to me, he's stick thin, why would he say he's a fat slob?

Nothing really to say about the OP other than just ask her if she fancies a cuppa soon.. Best thing I think.. And for the lad.. Next time you see him ask him about his latest obsession and just listen to him.. He'll love you for that.

Pag.. I am passing you a cuppa.. And a big bit of cake..

Reading and learning about as or asc dc's is great but unfortunately us parents who live and care for and fight fir our as/asc children not only have to often fight the system ( those who read the books).. But have to deal on a daily basis people having an opinion about our parenting, when they have never even stepped in our shoes let alone walked a mile. The issues these children have are so far away from most books it's mad!

I am certain that he didn't write that.

pagwatch, I don't think ANYONE here could ever think you were a bad parent.

omm nomm nommm...

I think I had the book about ASD once. I suspect someone ate it....

Agent.
Assuming he wrote it himself he is probably just pulling out phrases he knows to be negative regardless of their direct relevence to him.

But whilst the braod symptoms are similar, asd and aspergers always encompass different symptoms, abilities and behaviours in every case.
So this could be crap

Oh, thanks Fanjo
That is incredibly nice of you

'I am certain that he didn't write that.'

First time I ever remember disagreeing witth you tethers. I can't deny the possibility that he did write it.

I'm laughing (in a hollow sort of way) at the idea of someone scooping my son up and hugging him out of thinking and saying things that seem utterly bizarre/horrible to people who don't live with AS. I have been trying to scoop him up and hug him for eight years now, to no avail. For him, affection = engaging with his obsessions. Sigh.

Slightly at a tangent: this kind of thing makes me glad that I am not on Facebook.

What makes you think that tether?

It could be the way it was written that made me think he didn't write it, as it looks like a paragraph learnt by rote.

He is very articulate, sharp as a needle and from what I can tell is doing very well at school, so he could have, but it's awful to see someone, whatever age, with such a low opinion of himself.

I agree that fb emerged from the devils own arse, which is why I only look in from the outside.

Pagwatch, are you sure you should be eating that cake ArsenicCupCake gave you

I am though, Goblin.

It's this bit:

"I push her to her limit every day purely because I am a selfish spoilt brat."

That's the mother writing- quite possibly because she's at the end of her tether.

Hate disagreeing with you about anything, though.

I like passing cake... Mwaa haaa haaaa

Pagwatch. Thank you for explaining. I genuinely appreciate that and now I understand where you're coming from and I apologise for jumping in.

But your "is bad" is so far away from what the OP is talking about. It comes from a place where you have thought about it and found out what works.

I understand this mother may well be struggling and desperate. But the 'selfish spoilt brat' and 'lazy fat slob' are abusive and hateful. Yes, it is a sweeping statement but I struggle to picture any situation where this language is not extremely harmful.

If someone came onto a thread here and reported their partner was calling a child these names, there would be an outcry, yet here we have a mother at the end of her tether who needs sympathy. Well, yes. She does need sympathy but she needs practical support, not enablement in abuse which is what all those 'like' people are doing.