Lift etiquette

[ChiefBrackenStomper]

We live in the middle of nowhere and there aren't many kids in the local area meaning that for the last couple of months one day a week after school, my son has been going back to his friends house. His friend lives a 5 minute WALK from the school but I live a 30 minute DRIVE. He would usually be dropped off on a school run.

The thing is she expects me every week to pick up my boy from her place and won't offer to drop him back. I don't mind doing it every other week or maybe meeting her half way but she refuses. I have offered her son to mine but she plays the nervous driver card which I kind of understand as the roads are single track but then they are single track everywhere i.e. she drives to work everyday along a single track road, gets her shopping from along a single track road etc yet refuses to drive along the single track going to my house

I don't really want to get into the habit of doing all the driving especially considering that it would take an hour in total but am obviously happy to do my share.

Am I being unreasonable in asking her to meet me half way? I understand that in exchange she has my son for a couple of hours after school while they play together but then again she won't take me up on my offer to have her son because she doesn't want to pick him up. And it is just for playtime not as if she's doing me a favour while I'm at work or anything. Like I said, he would have been dropped off on a school run to my door.

In a nutshell, what is proper lift etiquette?

Ta for any input

actually i dont think you are being that U as everyone is saying. Your suggestion sounds fair to me meet half way and have the boys each on alternate weeks
but if she doesnt want to do that then you either have to just accept, or send him there less, nothing else you can do

I think the halfway handover is not a bad idea in itself - I do this on foot sometimes with one of dd's friends who lives about 3/4 mile away.

Presumably if you are in the Highlands there are a lot of similarly isolated children, it sounds like a different scenario from our standard city or town vs village scenario in the South East of England.

YABU to even think that the other mum should drop your DS back.

FWIW, the other mum is NBU for not allowing her DS to come to yours, because she doesn't want to drive that far. It's her call. At least she is being honest and consistent.

Why would there be a halfway hand over?? If I were the other mum, I'd bring the play arrangement to a close if I was bamboozled into driving to a no mans land place after minding someone elses DS.

Actually Giddy I disagree.
The other mum has to get her son from school anyway so picking up ops son makes no odds.
Op doesn't have to pick up her son from school either so in fact school can be ruled out.
So it comes down to two friends living half an hour apart.

I agree op with the suggestion of cutting the number of visits in half. You can't force her to let you have half the meetups and you can't force her to meet you half way so the only way you can make your life easier is to half them. Hope it doesn't upset the boys too much.

OP why doesn't your son go to his friends house on a night you would have to collect him from school so that it happens on a day you would be having to collect him anyway? So just do it later.

I get where bronze is coming from but actually I'm with Giddy. I can see why the OP feels hers is a reasonable suggestion but if I were this boys mum I wouldn't think so.

I do however think she is wierd for not wanting to EVER come to you. Unless you smell or something (hope you realise this is a joke!)

ALice I don't think the op does have to collec him from school (as in hes dropped off by a service) unless I'm wrong.

Thanks for the suggestions. I think I'll suggest a sleepover in the holidays. Although as the host that would mean her coming one way at least and my point being she won't.

I too think it's weird for her not taking up invitations to come over and I do find it a bit insulting.

[sniffs armpits and fanjo emoticon]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but as I read it you would like the mum to return your son to your house, have offered to have her son as a return kindness but she won't accept the invitation as she doesn't want to drive to collect her son at the end of his visit. Is that right?

Because if so, why are you miffed that she won't accept your invitation because she is loathe to do the drive to pick up her boy from you home when you have made it clear that you are loathe to collect your son from her house?

If you want her to deliver your lad to your home surely you should offer to return her son to his home?

Seems like double standards to me.

take it at face value op. She doesn't want to do the drive. Nothing more, nothing less.

Honestly, don't read too much into it. We all have our foibles...

You think it's weird/odd/rude for her to keep refusing...

I'm thinking it's bordering on impertinent to keep asking...

Ok how about this:

Both children get school run to your home...sleepover...both children get school run to school in morning.

or

Your child stays over there and therefore doesn't need picking up, just gets school run home the next night.

BTW, how old are they?

OP, I agree that it's unfair she won't send hers to you (and when she did, wouldn't pick him up). And given that her son won't have a playmate if yours doesn't come over, her son lives as much in the sticks as yours and she says it's easier having two than one, I think you're in a position of more power than you think, here.

So yes, say to her that you can't afford the time and petrol to do all the driving, so you'll have to say to little Johnny that he can't come over as often, sorry. And then she can explain to little Timmy that his friend isn't coming over because she won't help with the driving.

Valhalla, the OP is happy to do half the driving and half the hosting. She doesn't see why she should have to do all the driving and none of the hosting, since the hosting is easier than the driving. That's not double standards at all. There are two tasks, one is a chore and one is a benefit. The OP gets all of the first and none of the second. That's the issue.

Can you tell us what "the school run" is exactly?

Is this a local authority bus/taxi service? Or are you in a group with other parents where you take it in turns to collect the kids?

I think you should move nearer civilisation. What will happen when your ds is a teenager - the taxi service is called on a lot more then!!

Dandylioness maybe its a scottish turn of phrase?!

I can see why most think the OP is BU. However, I have a similar situation but I am the one living near the school (in a biggish town). Lots of children come from 10-15 miles away and unfortunately dd seems to have only made friends with those who live far away. I am happy to do my share of the driving when it comes to having the other children around, because I want my dd to be able to spend time with her friends outside school. So I kind of see the OP's point...

Important FART and lift informationhere ninth item down

I think Funkycherry's idea is a good one, provided they are old enough to sleepover away from home.

I think the OP has to accept that you can't force someone to drive who doesn't want to. Believe me, I'm a very forceful and manipulative person and in 20 yrs of marriage I haven't manged to force DH to drive.

YABU because 1) life isn't fair; 2) people generally do what is right for them rather than for you; 3) you don't know how deep her driving phobia is so shouldn't judge her; 4) she chose to live near the school and you chose to live a distance away; 5) you're wasting your time and energy to get worked up by this when you have no control over her actions only over yours.

I agree with Riven's pov about the countryside btw. I was always envious of my classmates who lived in suburbia and could walk to visit each other or get a bus into town, even though my parents were quite good about driving us around DB and I still drove as soon as we could so that we had a little independence.

They are 9 years old and the school run is someone employed by the council to take 5 local kids in their own car. Yes, it is a Scottish thing! Perhaps I asked the wrong 'Am I being unreasonable?' question. Really, I am happy to go and pick him up but I would like to take turns being the host and hope that she would drive to pick up her son. So am I being unreasonable in wanting to be the host every so often (ideally every other go) in return for her doing the picking up?

There are lots of jobs in the Highlands regarding farming, fishing and tourism. Tell people to move closer to civilization but then who do you want to catch your salmon for your smoked salmon and cream cheese bagel? It is easy to call us hill-billies but do townies think about where their Sunday lamb or beef comes from? With that attitude, Highland clearances springs to mind...

As I said earlier, I grew up in a town but hated it. My parents didn't want me mixing with the local youths (there was a huge BNP kind of ignorance about the town I grew up) so at the time I resented having to stay in and play video games but now, see their point.

I do believe you can be just as isolated in a town as you can in the countryside or even a huge city. It's really about your parenting not your location.

i think you make a point by doing the play dates fortnightly. Its a shame for your ds - but its also a shame for her ds - at least for a ewhile the change may have an effect on your friemd.

Tell your friend (nicely!) exactly why you are cutting down. Explain youd much rather you both shared the driving and childminding equally but be sympathetic that she is a useless driver and too lazy to do any driving out to yours. Leave in her court to reciprocate, that way you are still doing what you would be doing if she did her share of the driving and you dont need to feel like a mug anymore. Im pretty sure your ds will survive a reduction in playdates and you shouldnt feel guilty or obliged just because you live in an out of the way place.

If, on the other had you feel your son gets too much benefit from the playdates to cut down then youre just going to have to put up with the selfishness of your friend and keep on drivin'!