Lift etiquette

[ChiefBrackenStomper]

We live in the middle of nowhere and there aren't many kids in the local area meaning that for the last couple of months one day a week after school, my son has been going back to his friends house. His friend lives a 5 minute WALK from the school but I live a 30 minute DRIVE. He would usually be dropped off on a school run.

The thing is she expects me every week to pick up my boy from her place and won't offer to drop him back. I don't mind doing it every other week or maybe meeting her half way but she refuses. I have offered her son to mine but she plays the nervous driver card which I kind of understand as the roads are single track but then they are single track everywhere i.e. she drives to work everyday along a single track road, gets her shopping from along a single track road etc yet refuses to drive along the single track going to my house

I don't really want to get into the habit of doing all the driving especially considering that it would take an hour in total but am obviously happy to do my share.

Am I being unreasonable in asking her to meet me half way? I understand that in exchange she has my son for a couple of hours after school while they play together but then again she won't take me up on my offer to have her son because she doesn't want to pick him up. And it is just for playtime not as if she's doing me a favour while I'm at work or anything. Like I said, he would have been dropped off on a school run to my door.

In a nutshell, what is proper lift etiquette?

Ta for any input

Maybe she doesn't really want to have your son over? Does she keep inviting him? because the refusal to come to yours would make me think she wasn't so keen.

ChiefBrackenStomper- I understand that it must be frustrating for you when your friend doesn't want to meet half-way, but unfortunately she is completely within her right to do so. It would still be a half-hour journey for her and maybe she just can't be bothered, even if it is easier for her to care for her son with your DS there too.

There is absolutely no reason why she should be expected to drop your child off, even though you have done and would be willing to do the same for her son. She's probably a bit neurotic about driving and I can see where you're coming from, but I think you're just expecting a little too much.

Sadly, you're going to have to accept that part of having a child in the countryside is often a lot of fairly long-distance driving. Clearly you're not going to be able to change her mind on this matter, so move on and get used to the journey- it sounds like you'll be making it regularly.

Just say your son can't go so often like KarmaAngel suggests. YABU to expect her to drive your DS home after she hosts him, however she is also BU by refusing to let her son come to yours due to the driving.

There is a fairly hefty price to pay for living in the sticks - this is why we chose to live somewhere with good public transport links. If you live in the middle of nowhere you can't expect others to drive to you all the time when they live somewhere more convenient.

I agree with rhirirhirhi - theres no reason why other mum should be expected to do any of the driving. Its you that lives in the inconvenient place.

We chose to live in the suburbs and have DC at a school within walking distance partly so we didn't need to spend lots on fuel and so DC have local friends. If DC now makes friends with a child who lives 30 minutes drive away I would struggle for time and fuel to be ferrying them about and would not be happy if another mum expected it of me.

Also re the single track/nervous driver thing - she HAS to drive to work and shops so probably grits her teeth and does it, and those routes are now familiar and not as 'scary'. Doesn't mean she'd be comfortable going just anywhere though.

I think you are only looking at this from your POV and not putting yourself in other mum's shoes.

I well remember being heavily pregnant and hormonal thought and a bit of Unreasonableness comes as standard so don't worry

Riiight, so no-one who doesn't live in a big town should have children? Because its just too cruel to raise kids in green fields and fresh air.....FFS. Get over yourselves.

OP take no notice of the majority of posters who can't be arsed to read your information.

runny thats NOT what people are saying, at all

but if you make a lifestyle choice, albeit a lovely one, that means you live in middle of nowhere there are pros and cons

and cons is that to get your child to play with his mates involves alot of driving

simple

blindingly bloody obvious in fact

Porca, how else do you interpret this then:

" what is most YABU is that you choose to live somewhere stupid so basically your kids get no life.

Move and get your kids somewhere that they have a chance to be normal, not stck out in some hill-billy part of the country where you probably dont even have Broadband"

AND

" I grew up in the countryside and as a teen it was fucking awful. Couldn't get anywhere, couldn't see friends, hardly any buses.
Its why I live in the city so my kids can get places easily."

Please do enlighten me.

That's what one person said, not what people (as in the majority of posters) are saying.

Chief
I am sorry that you have been upset by this. I do see what you mean about he not being willing to bring her son to your house, that seems to be more the problem - that you are doing all the driving so that your sons can play together?

Going just by the info in your OP (that your son goes to her house and you are unhappy that you always have to pick him up) then I would say YABU.

She is being unreasonable in not allowing you to return the favour and then drive over and pick up her son from your house.

I'm I the only one who thought this thread was about inappropriate lift behaviour?..ie pressing all the buttons...Farting unashamedly..not holding the lift for others..

MmeLindt, yes ANY time they spend together involves me driving.

Mumcentreplus, my car constantly smells of fart. That kind of lift etiquette never crosses my mind although now you got me worrying about that too...

unfortunately if you are the one living out of the way (which you are as your DS's friend lives very close to the school) then inevitably you are the one that gets lumbered with all the driving and others will be reluctant to come to you.

Very similar scenario to someone whose friends all live close to each other, but they live at a distance away. It's the distant friend that is going to end up doing all the driving round.

I do think the other mum might make the effort "occasionally" though, but if all other friends are local can see why she doesn't.

I dont know how old these children are but it seems to me that a solution could be to have a sleepover once a month at the OPs and maybe cut back slightly on the weekly playdates. If these lads are such good friends and get on so well then it would be nice for them.
Might not work if the children are still only 5 or 6 or the other mum is against the idea but I know quite a few children who started sleepovers with good friends at a fairly early age.
But otherwise OP I am afraid you have to accept that the other mum doesnt want to do the drive.

Hmm... think I will go against the grain and say you are not exactly being unreasonable. After all, it isn't much of a benefit having "free childcare" for a couple of hours if you have to drive for an hour. In fact, it seems more hassle than anything because you have to ensure you are organised enough to leave on time to pick him up; can interfere with your normal routines etc.

OK so 3 people said thats, thats not EVERYONE!!!!!!

"quote" I have no relish for the country; it is a kind of healthy grave. ~Sydney Smith

I guess the reason I asked in the first place was that if the situation were reversed, I would be a bit embarrassed to expect her to drive all the way. She lives just as much in the sticks as me (albeit next a school). I am just annoyed that I am essentially unable to reciprocate the favour like for like as she won't come to me when he has come here.

I guess in my mind looking after two kids who actually are at the age where they look after themselves whilst occasionally intervening is easier and convenient than driving an hour on country roads. I don't see it as 'childcare'. Childcare is paid, right?

For what it's worth, I want to emphasise that if I were her, I would have offered to go half way regardless of whose house they were at.

I had to read the OP three times to see if this other mum got some benefit from having Chief's DS over that would justify OP in feeling she should drop DS back.

Poor OP has had a right lambasting so I will give her a and a cup or tea.

Mumcentre, I thought this thread was about lifts of the ascending/descending variety too.

cupcakesandbunting, my son is the only other boy of her sons age within a ten mile radius and the benefit being they get to socialise without her having to drive. Perhaps I should have put this question to other 'in the sticks' mums.

It is not just my lifestyle choice, but ours of being here. Here is Scottish Highlands.

But thanks for the tea.

If anyone would like to talk about lift etiquette

Well you can?t force the other mum to see things your way so why don?t you take the pragmatic view and simply reduce the play dates from weekly to fortnightly. The reduction is unlikely to seriously affect your son?s social life but will half the time you have to spend driving long distances. It may even be the case that the other mum finds she prefers weekly meet ups and decides that she can, after all, agree to play dates at your home and doing some of the driving. Or she may not, but at least she will have the choice.

It's in the Mum rulebook - you have to be a taxi from their birth until they have a partner to taxi them about for you.
Then said parter will taxi you about when you are old and infirm.
The ciiiiiiiiiiiircle of liiiiiiiiiiiiiiife etc