not trusting other bloody woman

[Euro1]

Read a very heartening thread on here about ex and new wife getting on and having good relationship -something I would strive for.

However, dh went off with very good family friend 3 months ago. Someone we have been on holiday with etc etc.

In her attempt to break us up, she has told some unforgiveable lies about me and the DC. Like I had secret terminations, got pregnant deliberately to trap him ( we have been married for 12 yrs!) did not tell him I was pregnant when I knew for at least a month, had secret tests done to establish paternity etc etc.

My dh went from being a fab dad to someone who was so angry and abrupt with the DCs that it was hard to watch. I thought he was upset over something else but now realise what it was.

I now do not fundamentally trust this bitch to have my DCs best interests at heart. She says they are equal to hers and will not be treated differently, but in a 3 bed house where her two kids have a room each and mine are expected to sleep on the sofa/ mattress on the floor when they are round there - this is not on. Anyone who is callousness enough to try and break up the relationship between parent and child for her own gain - does not, depsite her screamings, have the children as the most important thing and definitely not mine. Suggestions of shared rooms -2 girls/2 boys is met with derision.

They may not stay together which would be great but in the meantime, my two 3.5 and 20 months are at her mercy and unable to respond. I know four months ago I trusted her to look after them but now I do not and I can not move forward.

I hurt for so much that has been betrayed and so many lies been told but I am scared for my DCs when they are with her.

AIBU and how do I move forward with this. I fell like I am giving up everything and dancing to her tune for the sake of the DCs and she is jsut laughing at me.

Euro...it isn't compulsory to get on with the OW

Her atrocious behaviour has kinda precluded that, tbh

You have to try to be civil though, for the kid's sake

Doesn't mean you have to like it though

Wow.
That is just enormous!!!
I can only try to say, try to keep strong and try to keep your integrity, but I think you should see a lawyer about your worries, and not allow overnight stays until this is properly resolved with equal rights for your children.
Hugs.

Are you actually concerned for their safety? Have you sorted out contact with your Ex officially etc?

You need a lawyer ASAP.

adulterous duplicitous friend?is it Anthea turner?

what a betrayal

maintain cool calm composed.she will provoke and try make you look like bulgey eyed spurned woman

do gather good genuine friends.have a good cry.have fun where you can.look after yourself

Your two are still very young. Do they have to have overnight stays at this stage with OW and her kids too? Could you just insist they just spend quality time just with their father for now?

What she's done is unforgivable, but also in such a nasty evil way. Those lies are horrendous.

I don't blame you for feeling the way you do tbh. Not that I think she would harm the children. But if you're not comfortable with her having them given the personality traits she has shown, then you have a say in all of this too.

Good solicitor is a probably a good idea.

No nothing official yet.
He wants full joint custody, not sure how that is going to work as she lives an hours drive from me!!!

Safety, yes. Her two are fairly aggressive and violent (always have been) and have hit mine in the past but then the situation was different - ergo, round visiting, staying for tea days out etc. They also have never gone to nursery / child minder etc ( not syaing there is anything wrong with that) but the concept of sharing is alien to them. Now they are supposedly equals and eldest DC 3.5 yrs has told me, "me always wrong at Aunty xxxx". On asking further this was he had a toy that the other wanted, he got the naughty step other kid not for whacking him over the head ( cut there as proof) I realise this is a 3 yr od and truth can be bent but this is being repeated regularly by him with various things and not something he has ever said before.

Second child has a food allergy, she has known about as she came to hospital with me when we first realised as DC blew up like a pumpkin. It is getting better but she gave DC said foodstuff twice last week, resulting in antihistamines etc.

She was prepared to break my husband away from his kids to get him - how do you trust someone so underhand as that.

Well if I were you, it would be your husband I wasn't trusting.

He's allowing this woman to treat his children as second class citizens in the house he lives? What sort of father does that?

She told him lies, which he chose to believe and you don't trust him to take care of your children while they are in his and her care.

Why is all your anger directed at her? I'm not saying some of it shouldn't be, she's obviously vile, but does your ex get off scott free?

Meanwhile I too would see a lawyer. Treating your DC's less favourably, may count as emotional abuse and could affect contact if the court is sensible.

what a cow. YANBU I wouldnt trust someone so devious and selfish to help take care of my kids either cant their "dad" see them without her for time being? It's early days and they are very young.

Having said that, your ex dont sound a catch if he was with you for all those years and it only took a devious bitch like that to sow the seeds of doubt in his mind bout his DC's DNA.

If you want to rant and rave about them go ahead- but rant at people you trust not to let it go further and don't ever let ex and his bitch new DP hear/see you let them get to you.

hard as it is no one steals a man,he went and abandoned his children.she didn't chloroform him into her bed

takes two to tango

presumably your dh will also be around

but yes get a solicitor, and advice

I repeat you need a lawyer.

Dealing unfairly with them isn't what I meant. But the allergy thing is.

You need a lawyer. I know it is horrible and you are still reeling but you need to get the official stuff lined up ASAP, you need to agree to contact hours/arrangements, and child support etc and it needs to be done properly, not just a gentleman's (ha!) agreement.

Sort it out NOW - your ex has demonstrated that HE is not to be trusted, so you need a lawyer.

Have I mentioned getting a lawyer yet?

Oh and deliberately giving your dd food she knows she's allergic to, is abuse. She sounds fucking dangerous and if I suspected that someone had done this to my child deliberately, I would phone social services and not allow the child to go there again until I had an undertaking that it wouldn't happen again. But where was your ex in this? Did he not know the food was dangerous?

Someone can't just break up a marriage by telling lies - why did he believe her and why go to live with her rather than just leaving? Surely he is as much to blame as she is. As for the situation with the children nothing has been set out legally so there is no reason for them to be going there at all. At such a young age that is too much disruption.

I think Anyfucker summed it up.

I have to stay civil to both of them for DCs sake.

My anger toward my husband is separate and I have pointed out to him that the only reason he still has balls left is for that reason.

He was a fab Dad and I know he can be again, what changed him were her lies, which yes he has chosen to believe - I still stuggle with that.

I am told that things will settle down and am trying to insist on contact actually done in our old home - with me going out or both of us taking them to the park to play. I do not want them to see warring parents.

If this is her idea of proving equality and care for my DCs then so far she has failed miserably.

unpalatable as it is your dh went willingly.he needs to account for his actions.he had more of an accountability to you as dad/husband than she did as a pal

in your appraisal dont let him off hook in haze of anger blaming her for stealing him away

he went willingly
not coerced

Euro - I'm sorry that this is happening to you but I don't see how you can say that is was her lies that changed him. How is that possible? What does it say about his attitude towards you that he chose to believe them? Or perhaps he was just waiting for an excuse to go off with her while putting the blame on you. It stinks really doesn't it?

Also you say you are 'trying to insist' about contact - there should be no 'trying' about it, you are their mother and you must stick up for them and protect them above your ex and anyone else. That means keeping them with you until a proper legal arrangement has been sorted out.

I know it takes two to tango and his choice to go. We had a horrendous year last year, family, health and a number of other things - stress was immense and of course she knew it.

Instead of talking together about stuff, she became his confidante and I did not nip it in the bud. Does not help that she is 10yrs younger than me, better looking, bigger boobs, better body etc and still fertile - he want smore kids and after complications with last child that is never going to happen for me! She is intuitive - ah yes that would be after talking to me about stuff.

Midlife crisis may be the understatement of the year - no excuses though.

Ex is not always going to be around every minute they are in the house ( unrealistic)just as I am not when DCs are with me - so I have to trust her.

I am being told they are simple mistakes but my gut instinct is to turn and run, after giving them both a bloody good kicking!

Dignity and integrity is something I am trying to maintain throughout this but I feel my DCs are not safe and that is hard ot dela with

It really is all on him.

She was a lying bitch for sure, but he made and broke the promises. He owed it to you and your kids to be a better man and he couldn't do it.

At least you will be free of him now that you know how bloody stupid he is.

Her lies changed the way he saw his children - the mammoth efforts we went through to have kids were destroyed by her suggesting to him that he was not the father.

Do not know many men who would not change if told that their children were not theirs.

Am waiting for paternity tests to prove this - I have no doubts what they will say and then maybe we can start dispelling some other myths that have been told.

Impossible to sort out anything when paternity, hence responsibility for children is not certain - hence why stuck in limbo land waiting for results.

Euro - I could've written your post except ow didn't have her own dc's. Apart from that..

No, you don't have your dc's sleeping on sofas etc. Just no. Don't let them go. That is really not acceptable afaiac.

dont deride or put yourself down.the two adults who literally fucked up are your dh and pal with concupiscent affair

you need to honestly appraise him.he is responsible and accountable.don't excuse it as mid life crises.he has volition too

Frankly, having suffered at the hands of a cruel stepmother who favoured her own DCs, I would be more than a bit worried about my DCs staying with someone who had shown themselves to be so devious and is now not bothering about food allergies etc.. Yes, your husband is a weak idiot but he may not even have his eyes open to cruelty. I'm sorry if I sound a bit dramatic, I'm usually very measured, maybe this is just "my stuff" but I'd really be trying to stop overnights there and I think you'd have good reason if they are having to sleep on the floor/is evidence of food allergy being ignored.

Very sorry you've been put through this. I'm also usually the one speaking up for "OW" on threads as so many are lied to by errant men but in your case, I feel very angry on your behalf about her behaviour.

Young children, any children, sleeping on sofas is a no-no

Any family court would agree with that

Stay reasonable, keep the moral high ground and don't give the fuckers any ammunition

Stop sending them until after paternity is proved and things are properly arranged. Was there anyway for you to document the allergy incident? Is your DH able to use an epi-pen etc?

Unfortunately, she has previous -older married men being her speciality.

AAAAGH - am angry with both, whereas she may be a passing phase, he will always be their father and creating a bad atmosphere will only harm the DC who are gorgous, lovely, happy, fab fab kids and do not deserve that.

I normally have a fairly explosive temper but for three months I ahve been so restrained and measured in what I say to both of them, it really is tiring.

If still waiting for paternity test then you need to stand your ground- the kids stay with you until there is a legal arrangement. He walked out on you, end of (for now) Get legal advice!!!!!!!