not trusting other bloody woman

[Euro1]

Read a very heartening thread on here about ex and new wife getting on and having good relationship -something I would strive for.

However, dh went off with very good family friend 3 months ago. Someone we have been on holiday with etc etc.

In her attempt to break us up, she has told some unforgiveable lies about me and the DC. Like I had secret terminations, got pregnant deliberately to trap him ( we have been married for 12 yrs!) did not tell him I was pregnant when I knew for at least a month, had secret tests done to establish paternity etc etc.

My dh went from being a fab dad to someone who was so angry and abrupt with the DCs that it was hard to watch. I thought he was upset over something else but now realise what it was.

I now do not fundamentally trust this bitch to have my DCs best interests at heart. She says they are equal to hers and will not be treated differently, but in a 3 bed house where her two kids have a room each and mine are expected to sleep on the sofa/ mattress on the floor when they are round there - this is not on. Anyone who is callousness enough to try and break up the relationship between parent and child for her own gain - does not, depsite her screamings, have the children as the most important thing and definitely not mine. Suggestions of shared rooms -2 girls/2 boys is met with derision.

They may not stay together which would be great but in the meantime, my two 3.5 and 20 months are at her mercy and unable to respond. I know four months ago I trusted her to look after them but now I do not and I can not move forward.

I hurt for so much that has been betrayed and so many lies been told but I am scared for my DCs when they are with her.

AIBU and how do I move forward with this. I fell like I am giving up everything and dancing to her tune for the sake of the DCs and she is jsut laughing at me.

Thanks everyone - needed to vent.

Am going to bed now and disappear into the abyss of sleep, where everything is utopia!!!!

Am sure there will be more - 1 week for tests to come back

I'm really sorry to hear you've had such a hard time, Euro.

But it sounds like you're letting your ex off the hook a bit when it comes to looking out for your dcs. Don't expose them to anything that might upset them.

If they can't accommodate your dcs overnight - which means proper beds - then they can't stay overnight.

I'd be very worried about leaving my little ones with such a woman.

It seems like everything is still red hot and very angry esp. on her part for some reason (she sounds utterly mad to me) and I just would not allow my dcs to be alone with her. She sounds to be horrible.

Wishing you all the best.

I'm not suprised it is tiring for you Euro - you must be exhausted with pent-up rage. I can see that you want to maintain a dignified front for you dc and your self-respect but it is having the opposite effect of making you behave like a doormat. Why are you having to prove paternity because of the lies of one woman? Why are you sending your dc to a place where you fear they may be harmed? Why are you justifying the inexcusable behaviour of your ex? It is all very very wrong and you need to start taking back control, right now.

he doubts paternity oh his children?reprehensible behaviour

given he participated in making them
he should know.what a vile stunt to pull

YANBU at all she is a home wrecking whore.

I'm confused. This loving and involved dad was told by a liar that his kids aren't his, he believed that, and now has become a dad so utterly crap that he can't ensure his kids get food that is safe for them to eat when in his care?

There must be more to this.

If he has believed the lies and now can't provide care for the children who call him dad, then he was never a fab dad, he was a tosser in waiting.

I sympathise OP, you must be going through hell but doing the classic 'evil other woman' thing lets him off the hook and makes you look hysterical to others.

the dh wasn't some wee lamb charmed by sexually voracious she-devil.he morally owed his wife more than that. a debacle about paternity is vile.methink he is subconsciously looking for a reason any reason to justify his bed hopping adultery. a blocking strategy.he is projecting his anxieties/pain onto wife.Not my fault,it she who is unfaithful.making out he needs answers.classic avoidance.project onto someone else.externalise to avoid self responsibility

so what changed with husband?to doubt paternity

did/does he have other malaise

He believes her lies because it diminishes the guilt he originally felt in leaving you all. It is actually a blessing for him to be told these lies, so he can feel less crap about his initial behaviour.

He is a twat to believe them, but I can see why he does. Why is the OW telling these lies in the first place, though? I would say She is afraid of you, and your influence over him still.
Am not a counsellor or psychiatrist, but IMO this is not about you. It is about their relationship and them trying to find some balance in it. Meanwhile, get yourself a solicitor as advised, if you can, and do what is very best for your own mental health and the welfare of your DCs. Wishing you all the best. You have my greatest sympathy. Pair of tossers.

That was stupid to say "it's not about you". I didn't mean it disrespectfully. Hope you know what I meant

Men can be numpties when dealing with scheming women so I wouldn't wait for him to come to his senses and see through this woman, men just want a quiet life ime.

I would speak to social services about your concerns, see what they have to say about dc's allergy risk and sleeping on sofa. If you just use mention of them to scare OW into behaving better towards your dcs it might ease your worries.

Why don't you go on dating websites to take your mind off pathetic former OH and malicious OW. You looking happy and in control of your life is the best way to stick two fingers up to them.

He doubts the paternity of his children just on someone else's say-so? Presumably she doesn't have any evidence. Mad as cheese. She sounds very bizarre. Marriage breaking up due to affair is one thing, happens all the time. But then everyone is supposed to draw the line and be grown up, and try to make it easier for the kids. She must have some serious issues.

I am so surprised at how much he is influenced by her - has he always been gullible?

what an evil scum bag whore!!!! UGH I really hope that what comes around goes around for this bitch!!!!

anyway....time to take a deep breath, count to ten and get ICY

what you want to avoid is emotional anger right now, however some things come to mind

start to unemotionally document any incident where you feel your children were not taken care of
get a GREAT LAWYER
remeber they are far too young to be away from their mummy for prolonged time

I logically cannot see a family court agreeing to anything until all care and safety issues have been dealt with

again, get a LAWYER and I really do think she is an evil devil slag and YANBU to hate her and want to limit childrens access tp her

sorry for this

YANBU. If he doubts the paternity of the children, then surely he doesn't need to have them stay over? Especially as he doesn't seem to have their best interests at heart (otherwise they would be able to sleep on a bed!). I think it takes time to be civil/friendly to an OW and in these circumstances it would be very hard to be so at this stage - I wouldn't worry about still feeling angry right now.

Get legal advice.

Sounds like your children are not in a safe environment when with their father and ow.

I would insist that he comes round to visit your kids in the safety of your home every weekend, and that this is what your solicitor has advised. Without her. You might see a bit of the old dad return then and the kids are around all of their things and in their comfort zone.

As a manipulaitve and scheming cow this would put her right on edge. She'll be v stressed about what's going on behind your closed doors. It's hard to trust a man when your relationship is only built on lies and cheating.

Give her a taste of her own medicine.

Many thanks for all your supportive comments.

My feelings anger for my DH are as bad as they are for her, so this is no letting him off the hook. But the issue of me trusting her with the DCs is separate.

I find it hard, this was a very good family friend and the betrayal from all aspects is hard to stomach. If you think what I have said so far is bad , there is more. My absolutely fab friends just sit with amazement when we talk about it - I could not make it up if I tried.Makes Hollywood look boring!Some of it is so unbelievable, I have been asked if I am crazy - I wish sometimes I were, but this is all true and all happening to me.

Paternity issues may come from someone elses guilty little secret, ( remember this was a friend , who has told me an awful lot about her life and may be regretting it right now!)

The saga continues as I let him see the DCs in our house and I went out. She came round with her brats.........

Sometimes I wonder when my brain is going to snap, but I keep calm and keep going for my own self respect and my dcs. Paternity results this week and then lets see where we go from there.

I just have to say I think you're doing brilliantly euro, you should be proud of yourself for being so calm and handling all thus with such dignity. I promise it will get better and (from experience) this woman will get her come uppance and your ex will come to realise whAt a venomous person she is too late, while you will find alot of happiness with someone else I'm sure. Keep your head up, you sound lovely

The sad thing is this will be the third marriage she has wrecked but this time children are involved on both sides and that makes it all the more tragic.

If it was just me I would be gone and not looking back but it is not, the dcs love their Dad and I do not have the right or wish to deny them a relationship with their father.I would like them to know the fab man I fell in love with and why they exist, would prefer they did not know the complete and utter selfish self obsesssed thought less, spiteful wanker he has changed in to. Their are glimpses of the old one occasionally, but a text from her usually puts him back into wanker mode and she can text for England!

When do you snap?

My God I can't believe what you've been through. I was on here looking through new threads for ttc after miscarriage and using opks, saw yours and stopped in my tracks!
I am so sorry for everything you've been put through by two people who were supposed to love you. I can't imagine how torn apart you must feel. I was talking with a friend of mine a few weeks back about relationships ending when children are involved. His dad left his mum for their mutual best friend when he was little and how his mum coped with that I will never know but she did. And although he did and does still love his dad, it made his relationship with his mum all the stronger. You can't rely on love from anyone entirely other than from your children.
As lots of people have said it's very psychotic bunny boiler behaviour to make up such evil lies about you and to mistreat your children. You're already the one made out to be in the wrong by both of them so you have nothing to lose by getting a lawyer and making sure she doesn't do any further harm.
Good luck and stay strong. It's not much consolation but he is now stuck with this venomous excuse for a human being so when it all inevitably goes tits up he's got no one to blame but himself.

Euro, I could go on for ages...
My mother's best friend 'stole' my father 20 odd years ago. She was toxic and still is. Tho the pretence is that all is fine.
My brother and I had to share a small attic space, her two had a big bedroom each. This was a metaphor for the whole of the step family dynamic. Everything was about her and her dc. My dad was weak and let it happen. I am still hurt and damaged today. While I agree with 'be civil' comments completely (now that I have my own dc) please do for them to be TRULY treated equally.They should share rooms or not stay there. How awful it all is for you, I wish you all the very best.

Your oh has a right to access with dc not his gf.There is no court order in place and you should keep evidence of all you have told us.Tell your ex he can have regular contact with his dc but no overninght stays yet.The court would not accept the sleeping arrangements as suitable anyway.

Unbelieveable. Especially now you've said more.

If he's questioning paternity then 100% the children should not be staying over with a man who's even denying they might be his! What a horrendous thing to do.

As for the fact that she gave your child food that she knows she is allergic to, twice, I think I would be getting a solicitor immediately

I wanted it to remain civil and we are being civil but so desperately want to scream, shout and hit both of them.

Hard when DCs like her DCs and also like her, oh the innocence of youth!

Lawyers are in the pipeline for next week but where do I stand on the fact that three months she had my kids overnight whilst dh and I had a night out and vice versa.

Where does the line get drawn on being adult and reasonable and being treated like a doormat without screwing everything up for the future?

And it gets worse!

They would now like me to move out of the house and her move in, it would be easier for all concerned apparently. I had said when I first found out that was going to find somewhere else but there really is nothing that I fancy moving in to. No suggestion of buying me out and her contributing etc...

Again not enough rooms for all DCs and I get the feeling they want me to leave most of the stuff in the house. It is as if she and he want her to move in and carry on in my life.

Each day seems to leave me more flabbergasted at that nastiness and complete and utter arrogance as to how they can treat other people.

Fuck no don't move out.

From now on insist all interaction is written down in some way, no more he said she said etc.

Do not move out.