To not want to pressure MIL to look after the children more just because DH thinks she should?

[Beachcomber]

Will try to keep this short but clear.

MIL and I have a pretty good relationship, she loves our 2 DDs and likes it when we go to see her (she lives up the road). She has mostly been quite helpful on the odd occasions that we have asked her to look after the children but we do not ask her very often. They are 4 and 6 years old.

MIL has just recently retired - she is quite young, fit and healthy and very active. I work from home and often find it difficult (and stressful) to fit everything in around the children. DH works long hours but we share childcare evenly when he is around.

DH thinks now retired MIL could/should help us out by having the children say one day a week. (We are in France where it is common for GPs to look after children quite a lot). MIL says she doesn't want to get into a fixed routine as she is very busy (she cleans her house a lot and has a big garden).

I have asked her a few times to help me out for a couple of hours and she does when she can but equally often says no.

So, after all that - DH thinks I should be phoning her at the beginning of the week to sort out when she can have the children in order to get her into a bit of a routine of helping. I would find this utterly excruciating to do as she clearly doesn't want to look after the DCs too much. I do call her when I'm stuck but I am utterly unwilling to try to force some sort of arrangement on her.

DH thinks I'm being a woos and have no right to stress over childcare if I'm not going to do this. We don't really have any other help apart from limited help from a child minder (money a bit tight too).

So AIBU to disagree with DH and think that if he thinks MIL should have the kids once a week on principle then he needs to take her to task over it even though it would help me out?

Obviously French culture has passed you by, moondog, despite having spent so much time here.

I'm technically a single parent (dh abroad for long stretches).
i've got two kids and a full time job.
My mother and father help when they can and if it is convenient, otherwise they don;'t as too busy doing other things and working abroad most of the year anyway.

That's my issue to sort out.

Wow, I'm glad I didn't marry a French man! I really can't handle that sort of confrontation!

I agree with MmeLindt - it really is fascenating to see how differently people do things evens such a short distance away!

Still, it seems odd that men still have such a hands-off approach to child-rearing. And I'm with Sn0wflake that the OP's husband does need to acknowledge that for her this is a far bigger issue than he sees it.

OP, you really need to sit down and explain how anaethema this is for us Brits, and how from your pesrpective what he is asking is considered particularly rude. Perhaps if your MIL is shirking (and I can't comment really, not knowing France that well!) she's aware that you feel uncomfortable because you're British and is trying to take advantage of that. In either case, I think your DH needs to do a little more than most French men.

I know nothing of french culture so I feel unable to comment.

However, if your dh is so convinced about this proposed arrangement then it should be him speaking to his mother. Maybe its him that is the wuss!

Cox & CoxUnder 'creative diva' then 'blank cards' if opens on home page.

Whose wedding?
Yours???

Just because it's cultural norm doesn't make it reasonable!

Bonsoir is completely correct about the expectations of GPs in France - particularly in Paris.

It is pretty much culturally accepted that women will work full time and that GPs will assist.

Here in the UK, many GPs seem to have very little to do with their grandchildren. And they certainly don't want to make a committment.

'cultural norm' my arse.
The world is full of selfish folk with a sense of entitlement , be it Bordeaux, Bombay or Bali.

The OP should ask her DH whether, when he's retired, he'll feel able to commit to fixed childcare for his grandchildren.

You're being very nice, fair and reasonable about this - stick to your guns. If your DH really feels that she should be asked, he should do the asking - and then you can tell your MIL she's under no obligation.

I have a girlfriend (non French) who was, until recently, living in New York with her French DP and their two small DCs. Her French MIL (a countrywoman from central France who spoke not a word of English) thought it entirely normal that she should fly out to NY whenever my friend was on an international business trip, in order to help her own son with childcare.

Yes, well, DP is fed up with referring to me as partner as he despises the word. After 2 children, not to mention 2 dogs, it's kind of time. Thank you so much!

The world is full of selfish folk unable to see beyond their own cultural prism with a sense of entitlement , be it Bordeaux, Bombay or Bali.

Ah, Bonsoir. My Mum flies over to Geneva to babysit the DC for a couple of days if we need her. She must be a French Granny at heart.

My mother too, Mme Lindt.

Actually, my sister has a French MIL and would rather she wasn't quite so entitled to seeing her grandchildren for weeks at a time! It doesn't always work out the way one wants.

I wish I had a french MIL.
Or indeed a french mum (without Alzheimers)

I think it's so predictably english to see a GP having a regular committment to their grandchild as something to be avoided, rather than a joy.

If my Mum lived nearer, she would love to have a set day when she collected the kids from school and spoiled them rotten.

Well to me it sounds as if she doesn´t want to be used as regular free childcare.

And why should she?

Bonsoir - I would be horrified if my mil had an 'entitlement' to see ds; and it isn't about 'cultural prisms', but practicalities. When you live 3.5 hours away from said pils, the 'grandparents entitlements' tend to go out of the window.

Maybe the workforce in France isn't as mobile as the one in Britain; I didn't live near my mum until she retired and moved to Devon, by which time ds was 5.

Obviously France is very parochial about these things.

You don't have to live close by for the grandparental thing to function - every school holidays you can find whole planes travelling from Paris to regional airports full of tiny UMs off to spend the whole holidays with GPs!

Just a different culture!

I understand Bonsoir's point about cultural norms: the problem is that the OPs MIL seems to have chosen not to conform to this particular cultural norm, and it is going to put the OP in a very awkward position if she, as a foreigner, has to preach about cultural norms to her native MIL.

I can't imagine my MIL taking kindly to my telling her that she has to behave in a certain way because she is English and these are English cultural norms. However correct I might be in my estimation of my new country and its culture, she would still not think this was my place. And can't see my mother putting up with being told about Swedish cultural norms by her Chinese DIL either.

What hard hearted parents the French are. My ds would never have spent the whole holiday with my pils; maybe a week, but when my Mum retired and if dh couldn't get a week off, she would have him for the day if I hadn't booked him in for nursery. Joy of teaching you see, same hols as ds and stacks of time to spend with him.

It also depends Bonsoir, if you like your pils and want your dcs to spend time with them.

I'm a Brit living in Flanders, so would find French culture strange!

"Well to me it sounds as if she doesn´t want to be used as regular free childcare."

Th point is that in France, to say that is as weird as to say that your child's father "doesn't want to be used as regular free childcare". GPs normally look after their grandchildren, regularly (if they live close) or for weekends / weeks at a time if they live far away, especially if the mother works. It's not seen as "childcare" but as part of being a GP. Obviously the OPs MIL can do what she wants, but her attitude is a bit unusual for France, which is probably why the OP's husband is a bit .
Like everyone else though, I do think this is for your DH and MIL to sort out because if she's really not interested I think he needs to hear it himself (so he's sure it's not just a misunderstanding) - maybe he can use the fact that the looong holidays are starting to have a little discussion

"What hard hearted parents the French are."
For my MIL, DH and many French people I know, the weeks spent with their grandparents and a houseful of cousins when they were little (often in some ramshackle "family house" in the French countryside somewhere), are some of their very best childhood memories. The school holidays are long here - it's normal for kids to get 2-3 weeks holiday with their parents, but I think a few weeks with the GPs whooping it up at the beach or in the countryside are greatly preferred by a lot of kids to sticking around in Paris with their working parents in the heat.

I'm not making value-judgements, scaryteacher, I'm just stating facts (what I think and what I do are different matters to what the prevailing cultural norms for our family!).

cory - I'm not suggesting that the OP preach to her MIL. I'm just clarifying where the OP's DH is coming from.

Oh my goodness - nothing to add here - but this thread is so enlightening for me.

French MIL did travel six hours across France to look after DD when I took my first business trip away. I felt so grateful and also a little bit embarrassed that she should use her holiday allowance (retires next year at 60) to do this

I will leave DD with MIL in July for a week when I take another trip - again she has cancelled her yearly trip with friends to Spain and I am feeling very uncomfortable about that, but DH keeps telling me that she wants to do this.

DH is constantly telling me to call his mother as she needs to be kept involved in DD's life, considering all she does I should be a little bit more open to her. She is veyr respectful of my parenting choices but we have a few major differences.

MIL does the same for her other son and his wife (who doesn't work) and yet they complain that it's not enough!

I hadn't realised that this is so normal.