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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think "was it planned" is a bit of a rude question?

53 replies

DetectivePotato · 22/06/2010 19:22

I am 7 weeks pregnant and told some of the mums at my toddler group today. There was 1 mum who came today for the first time and the first thing she said to me when I told them I was pregnant was "was it planned?"

I did ask my friend this when she said she was pregnant with her second. She is a close friend and didn't mind at all but after I thought it was a bit rude of me.

I answered this mum with my usual honesty, by giving away too much info about how we had trouble conceiving DS and the doc advised us it would take a while the 2nd time so we may as well have started earlier than we planned to. It wasn't until after that I thought "why the hell am I telling a perfect stranger this?" then I thought "why did she ask that anyway?"

Is it rude to ask if it was planned or am I overthinking it?

OP posts:
MrsC2010 · 22/06/2010 19:23

YANBU! We were asked this so many times when we announced my pregnancy. Despite being married, responsible adults even close family members (BIL) thought it an appropriate thing to ask early on...

FabIsGettingFit · 22/06/2010 19:24

It is a bit rude but don't give her another thought. You know now not to open up too much in future.

Congratulations .

CuppaTeaJanice · 22/06/2010 19:25

I find it quite rude - I was asked the question several times when pregnant with DS. It's as if they are asking you 'Are you incapable of using contraception properly?'

whoneedssleepanyway · 22/06/2010 19:26

congrats, my boss asked me that when i told him i was pregnant with DD1....YANBU

Batteryhuman · 22/06/2010 19:27

Yes it is rather rude but with an 8 year gap between DC2 and DC3 it was one I got very used to. I used to make up various answers for mine and DH's amusement. No, trust me to fall asleep, and the heating broke down and there was no other way to keep warm were 2 of the better ones if I remember. (actually he was very much planned....)

LucyJones · 22/06/2010 19:27

Very rude

why can't people just say congratulations rather than asking personal questions

congratulations

LittleSilver · 22/06/2010 19:27

It IS rude. Have asked this every single time (3 DDs and 4th on way) and it's bloody rude.

LittleSilver · 22/06/2010 19:27

Ahem. Have BEEN asked this

nagoo · 22/06/2010 19:28

YANBU people do that though don't they?

biscuitsandbandages · 22/06/2010 19:28

Depends on the person asking the question IMO. Medical staff, Friends and Family - fine (surprise pregnancies may need a bit more emotional support or TLC for a start - note I said MAY!).

Strangers need to learn a few new phrases for "small talk with pregnant people" maybe we could write a mumsnet guide? But on the whole I think its just something to say (failure to engage brain before opening mouth)

midori1999 · 22/06/2010 19:29

I find it a bit rude, but it doesn't overly bother me.

DH and I were asked it a lot when we announced my recent pregnancy, as we already have 5 children between us from previous marriages, I suspect. (my three live with us, his two don't).

Then when we said we were expecting twins, we got a lot of 'oh dears' and similar. That is really rude IMO.

fernie3 · 22/06/2010 19:30

YANBU this is our fourth and everytime we tell anyone we get this - many people also ask about our contraceptive plans after the baby...I ask them about theirs back to shut them up.

meltedchocolate · 22/06/2010 19:30

It is rude. Very. What difference does it make?

twolittlemonkeys · 22/06/2010 19:31

I do find it rude from people you don't know well. A temp who worked in our office when I was pregnant with DS1 asked me this - I was a bit taken aback but told her that yes it was, to which she immediately asked 'so did you have fertility treatment?' Eh? We did as it happened but I wasn't about to start discussing it with her...

Firawla · 22/06/2010 19:32

yes quite rude, unless its a friend i wouldnt mind but a stranger yes so rude

traceybath · 22/06/2010 19:34

Quite rude but how old is your dc? If say 3 months then it may just have popped out

bronze · 22/06/2010 19:37

it is rude but I would give them the benefit of the doubt .
I suspect often its because they want to know if you're ok with them being happy for you. Saying congratulations to someone whos not sure it was the right thing to do may also be a bit odd

TottWriter · 22/06/2010 19:41

YANBU. It's one of the things that pisses me off the most, along with the falsely cheerful 'do you know what it is' that shop assistants give you. Honestly, is that all they can think of? I've worked in retail myself, and I would never say to that to a pregnant lady; it's worse than the inane 'have a nice day' complete with American inflection that you get sometimes.

pointissima · 22/06/2010 19:44

Bloody rude; but not as bad as "are you going to have another one"?

JazzieJeff · 22/06/2010 19:45

It is VERY rude. YANBU, I had that question asked of me a couple of times. DH was with me when a mutual friend asked if DS was planned. DH went '...No actually, I forgot to pull out in time.' Sharing's caring, after all. And he did ask

DS was (and is) very much planned and wanted

Ladyanonymous · 22/06/2010 19:45

I was asked this LOADS when pg with DS1 - I think because I was only 21 (he was planned and very much wanted).

With my (very much planned and wanted) DD I was 23 and my ex MIL asked me "why on earth I would want to have more than one child?!" (she had 3 wtf) and that it "still wasn't too late to get rid of it"

Original poster
DetectivePotato · 22/06/2010 19:46

Tracey DS is 2.4 so not that young.

I do agree people probably don't know what to say sometimes.

at twolittlemonkeys being asked if it was fertility treatment. Definitely very rude.

I think congrats would have sufficed seeing as I announced it with a pretty big grin on my face.

And thanks to the congrats on here.

CuppeteaJanice "It's as if they are asking you 'Are you incapable of using contraception properly?'" That was my thought too.

OP posts:
Original poster
DetectivePotato · 22/06/2010 19:48

"...No actually, I forgot to pull out in time.'"

Love it! Maybe I should use that.

OP posts:
moaningminniewhingesagain · 22/06/2010 19:48

I was asked this with second pregnancy as we have a smallish gap.

I used to enjoy saying 'No, it was an accident. I fell over and landed on a cock.'

Only to people I know, obviously

maresedotes · 22/06/2010 19:54

I was asked this all the time when pregnant with my DD2. I think it was because I was 40 and there is a 6 year gap between my DDs. However, I was never asked it by friends or family, only acquaintances and complete strangers. I used to say "yes" and then wonder why I told them. I think it's a rude question but then there are many rude questions asked when pregnant. "Are you having any more, does your husband want a boy this time, did you mean to have such a large gap" etc.

To summarise (!), YANBU!!