to think "was it planned" is a bit of a rude question?

[DetectivePotato]

I am 7 weeks pregnant and told some of the mums at my toddler group today. There was 1 mum who came today for the first time and the first thing she said to me when I told them I was pregnant was "was it planned?"

I did ask my friend this when she said she was pregnant with her second. She is a close friend and didn't mind at all but after I thought it was a bit rude of me.

I answered this mum with my usual honesty, by giving away too much info about how we had trouble conceiving DS and the doc advised us it would take a while the 2nd time so we may as well have started earlier than we planned to. It wasn't until after that I thought "why the hell am I telling a perfect stranger this?" then I thought "why did she ask that anyway?"

Is it rude to ask if it was planned or am I overthinking it?

"no - one-night stand" - shuts them up

YANBU. When I was pg with twins, a number of people thought it was OK to ask "was it natural, or IVF?" WTF? The worst was a chap at work, who I hardly know, who asked me in a crowded corridor (at school)at break time.

People do ask the m ost extraordinary things. I have been asked if our baby was planned also, and one friend of DH's asked me if it was DH was the father. I gaped at him.

It is rude. Someone on a previous thread suggested that if someone tells you they're pregnant and you suspect that it's unplanned and/or they may be upset about it you could ask them "How are you feeling?"

Which, as an open question, is a better way of continuing the conversation.

YANBU

Elderly relatives thought we must have had some massive contraceptive failure/accident, and were making the best of a bad job. I put them straight on that score

DP's boss asked who the father was which was very typically twattish and cuntish behaviour from him. Unforgiveable though. Reminds me I still need to partake in some office voodoo on that score (mwah hah hah hah haaaaah!!!)

It's such an odd question but you are guaranteed to be asked it. I think I may have even asked it myself (disclaimer - only to good friends though . I have heard it a load of times and seem to have come up with the following conclusion of the way people think:

Scenario 1:

"Was it planned?"
"Yes but we only started trying last month."
"Oh wow lucky you, Congratulations"

Scenario 2:

"Was it planned?"
"Yes, we have been trying for over 2 years!"
"Oh wow you must be sooooooooo happy. Congratulations.!!!"

Scenario 3:

"Was it planned?"
"No"
"Oh, ok....... as long as you are happy. Congratulations I guess"

[I've obviously got far too much time on my hands emoticon ]

I had this with all mine as I was early twenties and the gap is small. They are 2,5 and 6.

The best one was from a woman who my mum worked with years and years ago. We bumped into her when I was huge with my eldest, Mum and her had a bit of a catch up chat then she went "so you're pregnant" er yeah. Then she looked at my hand and said "oh, at least you're married" I was a bit speechless so didn't manage the "yes I have been married for 2 and a half years and my family is very much planned!" response.

People can be a bit rude, but it's not always meant to offend. Of course sometimes it is!

this is so funny, i got asked this loads and still do as I wasnt with DDs dad for long when I got pregnant, its still flippin rude though!

It could be worse - a mum at tennis a few weeks ago commented that my four look very different from each other and then asked "do they all have the same father?" ... (they do)

People are so rude!!

I got asked this lots just because I wasn't married, including by 2 of my bosses who are otherwise perfectly sensible and understanding people. What do they want me to say? Would they like the full detailed explanation involving an initial unplanned pregnancy followed by miscarriage followed by realisation we want to hurry up and get a baby?

Even my mother never asked me That question.

On the other hand, said mother was never embarassed when asked same question due to 12 year age gap, I think they were rather proud of their accidental virility.

The best response I had when I told someone I was pregnant: 'Oh. Is that a good thing?' (and she then went off before I had time to reply). Strangely, we are still friends!

I think some people view pregnant women as public property and therefore consider it to be acceptable to ask all sorts of inappropriate questions. Tbh, I don't even think healthcare professionals should ask this as it is so rude and really not their business. Women are more than capable of bringing up the subject themselves if they want to discuss it or require advice regarding future contraceptive options.

FIL said on hearing the news: "are you pleased?"

I was asked this when I fell with dd2 as ds was only 5 months if it was friends or family I told them it was a surprise I've never said she was an accident if it was a relative stranger I told them she was planned.It's none of their damn business.

With DD1 my boss at the time also asked me 'are you pleased?' but I think it may have been because I was looking and feeling so deathly I think I forgot to actually look happy about it when I broke the news.

A work colleague who never fails to say something offensive to me whenever I see her noticed my bump (pg with DC2) today and said 'huh, you don't waste much time do you?' (DD is 2.2 so not a shockingly small gap or anything).

YANBU.

I felt the need to tell everyone, in detail, how DC3 was unplanned, and I was using the cap, but not enough spermicide, and I'd taken the MAP, and I only have one falopian tube, and I was BFing.....

There is something odd about pregnancy. People suddenly ask you all sorts of extremely rude questions. As the mother of an only, I've been a particular target for 'are you having any more', 'don't leave it too late' and questions about our fertility, for heaven's sake! Sometimes tempted to invent a gory story with far too much medical detail just to embarrass them into never saying this kind of thing ever again...

Worst one I've seen was one friend of mine asking another, who she'd only just met, 'when's the baby due?' Poor woman was NOT in fact pregnant, just suffering the side effects of fertility drugs (or procedures - am hazy on the details).

Thing is, woman who made this awful faux pas has a long history of fertility problems herself, so really should know a WHOLE lot better!

Very rude. I was asked this with DC3. There was a 4 year age gap but as we already had a DD and a DS people seemed bemused as to why we would want another one because 2 DC's, one of each sex is the perfect family unit right? .
Later in my pregnancy if this question came up I would also casually mention that my baby also had DS but that was fine with us and we can't wait to meet him. That really shut them up and quite interesting watching people try to arrange their face.

ooh, I love "Why do you need to know?" said with a sweet smile. I love it.
When a friend asked me "was it planned?" with an utterly aghast expression on her face, I said "yes, very much planned and wanted." and then laughed at her and said "have you any idea how rude that is, seriously? Do you actually think I don't know how to use contraception or access abortion? DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME?" which shut her up a bit. But wow, was it rude.

For people who aren't close enough friends to put up with such a kicking, I love what Miss Manners recommended once in this column as a response to people asking nosy questions, a calm "That's personal." And nothing else. She writes:

Nosy people have already proven themselves to be rude, so you should hardly expect them to make tactful remarks. The important thing is to cut them off at the first question. The only explanation necessary is, "That's personal."

But you must also teach your daughters not to fall for two common arguments: that curiosity is natural and that people who don't disclose personal information must be ashamed of it. Dignified people value their privacy, and being curious is no excuse for demanding that it be satisfied. Under such pressure, they should merely smile and repeat "That's personal" as often as necessary.

I love it and will try it next time.

Yes, its rude of people to ask.

I love the "That's personal" response.
I normally end up giving way too much info to people I don't know that well.

My response to "Do you know what you're having?" is "I'm hoping for a baby, but I'd be happy with a puppy as it would be safer for our German Shepherd to play with."

I agree that "was it planned?" is a bit rude but really, you can't win here.

What's wrong with, "Are you pleased?" - surely it's better than leaping to conclusions with 'Congratulations' if there's any possibility the person may not be. Yes, "How are you feeling?" or "How do you feel about it?" may be more neutral but is it really such a horrible thing to ask?

What should people say when you announce a pregnancy then, other than 'congratulations'? It's a minefield isn't it... any comments or questions about gender are apparently offensive, what about due date?

I don't know.. I'm not really bothered what people ask or have said when I've been pregnant. If I know them well enough to be announcing my pregnancy to them, then I'm cool with their questions and comments.

Interestingly, I've observed several American antenatal classes and most of the couples are proud to announce not only the gender but names of their bumps. If you didn't ask about such things, you'd probably be considered a bit cold or uncaring.

There is only one thing that anyone needs to say when a pregnancy is announced and that is 'oh, how lovely'.