to have words with PIL about this?

[mckenzie]

DS was out with FIL after school today (something they both like to do).
When DS sat down to tea I asked him if he'd had anything to eat or drink already and he got a bit upset. He said he knew he should tell me the truth but FIL had told him not to. It seems that FIL bought him a pepsi while they were out but told DS not to tell me .

Should I call FIL and ask for his side of the story?

Or AIBU and should forget it?

i cannot believe you are acting as if a grandad saying 'ooh best not tell mummy' is teaching your kids to lie to you.

frankly id be more concerned that your DS cant keep secrets especially fun secrets like a treat from his grandad!

and also, he DRANK the drink didnt he? poor mistreated child

Just seen that he was 9 , he only drank a coke?

This thread is totally baffling

I am a little surprised that OPs 9yo is not allowed coke (my 2yo has had a sip from daddys glass once or twice) but it's still her decision as a parent to make.

I'm not saying I think GP was terrible for giving pepsi to a 9yo, I'm just challenging the attitude that GPs have a right to do whatever they like and we are not allowed to express an opinion about that.

My personal experience is because PiL refuse to accept DS has asthma and won't minimise exposure to allergens, teach him to eat plants in the garden and fed him a king size mars bar when he was 8mo. I'm not suggesting that a bottle of coke to a 9yo is the same, but I do get annoyed with these threads that go on about a GPs 'right' to do what they like. In that case it is my 'right' as a parent not to allow them unsupervised access vey often!

A bit of background for the recent posters (it is in the thread but hidden somewhere half way I guess).

DS and I had spoken before he went out with FIL about having had a hectic weekend full of rubbish food and drink (3 parties and one school fete) and so we all agreed (FIL, DS and me) that DS would come home for tea (rather than have tea out as normal) so that he could have a healthy tea rather than the usual all day breakfast, chips, chocolate and cake sort of thing. I gave DS a bottle of water as he went out to the driving range with FIL and said to both DS and FIL "no fizzy stuff please".

So my gripe is not with pepsi, my gripe is not with FIL spoiling his grandson (he does that every time he sees him which is at least once a week).

My gripe is that when I made a specific request, it was ignored by both of them. I think DS shouldn't have asked for the pepsi - he knows what a soft touch FIL is. And I think FIL shouldn't have let him have it as I had specifically asked him not to.

FWIW, I don't intend to do anything or say anything to FIL as I take on board all the comments about me being too controlling.

I still think that the problem comes for the DC when he is more worried about the mother's reaction than anything else and fails to see what is wrong with his behaviour.

'it's all the ds's fault because he's 9 and he can make sure the grown up he was with will do exactly what he wants him to do. Bizarre pov, that. '

I don't think that it is at all bizarre, he is 9yrs old, he had the instructions-he thought it OK to ask Grandad at the time. He had qualms later. At 9yrs old he should be able to self discipline and not rely on an adult doing it for him.

I agree with seeker, I want my DCs to have lovely memories about time with grandparents-not huge rows about a bottle of pepsi.

to quote: 'I too get tired of hearing the gps should be able to do what they want regardless of parents preferences.'

The grandparents are the parents of the parent-they should be able to tell them, if they have a good relationship, that they are being silly! I imagine that half the fun of being a grandparent is being able to tell them funny stories about their own parents!
If I am a grandparent, I am not going to do the parenting bit again(been there, done it and got the Tshirt!)- I am going to be eccentric and fun! Their own parents can tell them to eat their greens!

And that's fine Pisces, but do you think your kids are going to want to keep handing their children over to you if you treat them like that?

Of course our parents have every right to laugh in our faces and tell us we are being silly. We have every right not to leave them alone with our children then.

I'm just saying, I'd far rather discuss and agree with GPs on parenting strategies, and then allow them to spend as much time as they want with DCs than feel like I'm constantly saying no to requests to take DCs away because I can't trust them to look after them properly.

I think it will be utterly fine Gracie as I have good relations with all my family-all generations. My DCs will know that I am utterly responsible and have been a good parent-I'm not going to undermine anything important.
I will, however, get my own back for what DSs put me through. If they are complaining about an unorganised DC I will tell the grandchild that 'Daddy was an nightmare with no understanding of deadlines and about the embarassing phone calls that I got from teachers over missing work'.
I always thought it was nice for my DSs to be told by their uncles that 'mummy was an old bossy boots when she was 6 yrs old'!
You need a sense of humour and not to take yourself seriously.
It is one reason why I wouldn't want to have grandchildren for regular childcare, I would have to bother about eating greens etc. As an irregular visitor I don't need to bother. I wish I could find the poem about childhood and flying kites-it is what I wish to do.
I can't imagine my DSs getting into a state about a one off bottle of pepsi.
It wouldn't work if you had toxic parents, but if you had a good relationship and are relaxed there is no reason why you can't all get on. As a grandparent your role is completely different and it is mean of the parent to control it. As long as it doesn't undermine it does no harm. Giving a pepsi once a day, or even as a regular once a week, is not on. Giving it as a one off doesn't matter.

Pisces, I wish you were my MiL - I think you'll make a great GP!!

I think we are pretty much coming from the same place. 'As long as it doesn't undermine it does no harm. Giving a pepsi once a day, or even as a regular once a week, is not on. Giving it as a one off doesn't matter.' Is exactly how I feel about it. What frustrates me is GPs moaning about other people babysitting/spending time with their GCs, yet being completely irresponsible (and sometimes harmful) when left alone with them.

I think that I am a bit guilty of seeing it from my point of view-I then read posts and realise that some people, unfortunately, have difficult, or even toxic parents. I trust my parents and ILs implicitly and so I wouldn't dream of telling them what to do or not do with a 9yr old-I know that it would be nothing harmful and they think on the same lines as me anyway.
I think that having had this sort of relationship with all generations I will think that I have failed with my own DCs if they try and control me when they are not there! However I don't get the impression that the grandfather in OP is harmful and untrustworthy.

We have told our dc's that they shouldn't keep secrets from us and that if someone tells them to keep a secret from us that is not ok. Purely from a child protection point of view. I'm sure they have secrets and I'm not bothered about what they share between friends etc. I just think that it is not acceptable for a child to think it's ok to keep secrets from their parents.

I would raise it with the Grandad, but explain why.

It all depends how he said it-
'Don't tell your Mum' can come out 2 very different ways, depending on tone.One means to keep it a secret and one doesn't.

Have to say I think it's very cute that a 9yo felt so guilty about keeping a secret from his mum that he outed himself!

Kids I used to nanny for had learnt not to do that from about 5...