Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have words with PIL about this?

87 replies

mckenzie · 21/06/2010 18:55

DS was out with FIL after school today (something they both like to do).
When DS sat down to tea I asked him if he'd had anything to eat or drink already and he got a bit upset. He said he knew he should tell me the truth but FIL had told him not to. It seems that FIL bought him a pepsi while they were out but told DS not to tell me .

Should I call FIL and ask for his side of the story?

Or AIBU and should forget it?

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 21/06/2010 21:39

When I am a grandparent I will expect my DCs to trust my judgement and not question the DCs. It never crossed my mind to question my DCs about what they ate or drank when visiting elsewhere!

WinkyWinkola · 21/06/2010 21:47

But what if your judgement has shown that you don't think car seats are important, Piscesmoon, like the op's pil? Or perhaps you don't think car seats are important.

piscesmoon · 21/06/2010 21:52

Car seats are a safety thing which someone of his generation may not understand-talk to him. A pepsi as a one off treat isn't important. Parents have to accept that when the DC is 9yrs old they can't control every aspect of their life, when they are not there. If they try to they are setting themselves up for trouble.

piscesmoon · 21/06/2010 21:53

I meant to say they are setting themselves up for trouble because either the DC rebels, or more likely (with a strong parent)they become devious. The DC should have been able to come home and say he had a pepsi without worrying and the grandfather should have been able to buy him one without worrying.

hopalongdagger · 21/06/2010 22:01

cory & Piscesmoon I read the OP as asking what he'd had to drink in a kind of 'Do you need anything else or are you ok?' way rather than an interrogation of what had been given.

WinkyWinkola · 21/06/2010 22:01

Without asking him to lie about it because his mum had said to the grandfather on this one occasion to lay off the sugar?

It's the asking the kid to lie that's the issue. The drink is not really.

Although if my dcs had had a weekend of parties where the food is inevitably party food, I'd've liked them to lay off the sugar for a day or two. And I would like other people to respect that. Whether they agree with me or not.

piscesmoon · 21/06/2010 22:16

It would never occur to me, if my DCs went out with their grandparents to issue food and drink instructions.
I think that it is all counterproductive by 9yrs old. I know lots of DCs who play lip service to mum and everyone knows they are persuading other DCs to give them sweets etc when she isn't looking.
I wouldn't make a big deal of one pepsi. It could be quite innocent as in grandfather bought one and then DC said 'Oh Mummy doesn't let me have pepsi' and grandad belately remembers and says 'oh-don't tell her' because by that point he has already got it.

Magdelena · 21/06/2010 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

edam · 21/06/2010 22:22

I'd just praise ds for telling you the truth and explain that he can always tell you anything.

Wouldn't have a go at FIL because then he might talk to ds and ds will be reluctant to tell you things in future.

The drink is irrelevant really (and you do sound a bit controlling over that).

Original poster
mckenzie · 21/06/2010 22:22

I wasn't questioning him, just asking him if he'd already had anything to eat or drink so that i could then make a decision on what else he needed. To tell the truth, I think he was quite glad I'd asked him as I think it was bothering him that he was keeping it from me. It didn't seem to bother him that he shouldn't have asked grandad for the pepsi though .

My main concern, as some of you have picked up on, is the lying/secrets issue rather than the pepsi per se and maybe that has been created, as has been suggested, by me for being "too controlling". I'm trying to put myself in FIL's shoes now and I am seeing a different side of it.

I don't want to make a big deal out of it, I really don't and I certainly don't want to spoil DS and FIL's time together. But I do feel, even after everything that i have read here and putting myself in FIL's shoes, that my specific request for no fizzy drink, on this occasion, should not have been ignored.

Thank you to everyone who has commented, I do appreciate it.

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 21/06/2010 22:25

There are different ways of telling them to keep it secret anyway-all depending on tone of voice. It I had bought it and they they said they weren't supposed to have it I might well say 'well don't tell your mum' in a tone that suggests I am not bothered either way. I can't stand the stuff so wouldn't drink it and it seems wasteful to pour it away. It is all a mountain out of a molehill!

piscesmoon · 21/06/2010 22:28

I think that it is DS you should have a word with rather than FIL-he asked for something he knew he shouldn't have and then felt guilty when he go it! Some grandparents are just a pushover!

gerontius · 21/06/2010 22:43

I can't imagine that your FIL said it in any way but jokey. Unless you are a terrifying woman, there would be no reason for him to impress upon your DS the importance of not telling you.

piscesmoon · 22/06/2010 07:16

' It didn't seem to bother him that he shouldn't have asked grandad for the pepsi though .'

This is the real issue though and the one that should bother him, rather than you finding out! At 9 yrs old he is old enough to take responsibility. I would tell him that he put Grandad in a very difficult position and it simply wasn't fair to ask him to do something that he knew wasn't allowed. Leave FIL out of it-it was a problem of DS's making.

RunawayWife · 22/06/2010 07:25

YABU it was a pepsi not poison

Crabious · 22/06/2010 08:38

''just asking him if he'd already had anything to eat or drink so that i could then make a decision on what else he needed'' - not sure if this is just how you have phrased it it for the post - but I personally would just be asking my 9 yr old - are you hungry - not ''making a descision on what else he needed''

This is no being critical but do wonder if its a show of your obviously very loving, but ''strong'' parenting which now at 9 may need to be relaxed a little?

Original poster
mckenzie · 22/06/2010 10:25

thanks again for the extra comments. More food for thought. I appreciate it.

OP posts:
Gracie123 · 22/06/2010 10:31

People who think it's grandparents job to spoil kids - how often do you let your parents take your DCs out then?

I think that totally depends on how often they expect to see DCs.

If my Ps or PiLs rarely saw my DC, of course I wouldn't question what they gave them. The odd treat doesn't hurt.

But hopefully relationship GPs will mean they are seeing them regularly, in which case they do need to take your parenting decisions into consideration. A 'treat' every other day isn't a treat, it's a routine.

Sorry to rant, just sick of hearing about GPs 'rights' to spoil my child.

WinkyWinkola · 22/06/2010 11:04

My dc gps aren't a pushover.

They don't give the dcs everything they ask for and they know that if I ask them to do or not to do something with or for the dcs, it's because it's important to me because I don't ask them very often so they take it seriously.

I too get tired of hearing the gps should be able to do what they want regardless of parents preferences.

And yes, it's all the ds's fault because he's 9 and he can make sure the grown up he was with will do exactly what he wants him to do. Bizarre pov, that.

seeker · 22/06/2010 11:11

"I wasn't questioning him, just asking him if he'd already had anything to eat or drink so that i could then make a decision on what else he needed."

He's 9. You find out what else he needs by saying "Are you hungry?"

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 22/06/2010 11:13

I think you're overreacting a bit?

I can remember loads of times when my gps would give me treats, let me stay up late and all the rest of it. Lots of times it was done with a 'sshhh don't tell Mum' and a wink.

Having said that, we used to see our gps every few months because they lived so far away. Most of the spoiling took place on our annual visits to stay with them on our own for a week in the summer holidays. Quite different to weekly treats.

gagamama · 22/06/2010 11:32

Grandparents are supposed to do forbidden things with their GCs as revenge for all the times we disobeyed them and make their lives difficult as children. Or at least that's how I choose to see it.

Gracie123 · 22/06/2010 11:41

gagamama that's what my PiL say. Unfortunately that makes them the last on my list of people to babysit...

seeker · 22/06/2010 11:48

Oh please

What's more important - making sure children under no circumstances have an unauthorized treat or making sure that children have warm and happy memories of theri grandparents to take into later life with them.

An illicit bottle of pepsi does not matter. Having a loving granddad who bought you onwe when you really really wanted it does matter. A lot. Hugely.

Gracie123 · 22/06/2010 11:52

My point exactly seeker. I would much rather GPs were onside with us and spent as much time as possible with DCs so that they do have a relationship with them, and not one that is based on what they are given.

If I know I can trust someone to do what I've asked, then of course I would prefer to leave them in that care, than the care of someone who blatently laughs in my face about parenting decisions and tells me they will do whatever they like.

Like I said, I wouldn't have a problem with it if it was a rare treat, but I like to think that one day when I am a GP I will support my kids decisions as much as possible so that they want to let their kids spend lots of time with me and we get some warm happy memories built in a way that doesn't damage my relationship with my kids.