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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have words with PIL about this?

87 replies

mckenzie · 21/06/2010 18:55

DS was out with FIL after school today (something they both like to do).
When DS sat down to tea I asked him if he'd had anything to eat or drink already and he got a bit upset. He said he knew he should tell me the truth but FIL had told him not to. It seems that FIL bought him a pepsi while they were out but told DS not to tell me .

Should I call FIL and ask for his side of the story?

Or AIBU and should forget it?

OP posts:

wonderingwondering · 21/06/2010 19:23

There's several things here - the pepsi, the 'keep it secret' and the fact you gave out your orders when dropping your DS off.

If you hadn't given instructions, the 'don't tell your mum' wouldn't have arisen. Perhaps if you'd said 'he's had a heavy weekend, so go easy on the junk' it might have been away of avoiding a full-on junk food fest but the pepsi wouldn't have been a problem, so the 'don't tell your mum' thing wouldn't have arisen.

There's fault on both side, but PILs behaviour seems to be a reaction to yours.

Galena · 21/06/2010 19:24

If he usually spoils him with 'naughty' things, then your DS might not have understood why Grandad wasn't giving him anything today. Ok, so he'd had a hectic weekend full of other exciting things, but was one more fizzy drink really a major problem? I think I'd probably just let grandad carry on as normal and give him normal/healthy stuff at home.

grapeandlemon · 21/06/2010 19:24

I would really leave it

thisisyesterday · 21/06/2010 19:25

i agree there could be variations in how it all occured.

if it was the case that OP generally doesn't allow the children to have fizzy drinks, but FIL had allowed one as a treat and said "ooh but don't tell mum eh?" that's one thing

but if it was a case of "please don't give ds fizzy drinks today, he's had a heavy weekend" and then FIL going and deliberately choosing to do so anyway AND then saying "don't tell mummy"
then that's very, very different

DuelingFanjo · 21/06/2010 19:26

really very wrong for him to tell your DS to keep it a secret!

piscesmoon · 21/06/2010 19:29

We need to know the age OP.

WinkyWinkola · 21/06/2010 19:29

It's the asking your ds to lie to you - that's the real problem.

I don't think you're unreasonable to ask them to lay off the sweet stuff but you do know what your pil are like already so I guess you would have assumed your ds would have had something sweet.

I'd just say very politely and calmly, "I know you like to spoil ds but if you can't do as I ask regarding his food when he's with you, please, at least don't ask him to lie to me otherwise I just won't be able to trust you with my son anymore. It's not right asking kids to lie for you whatever you think of my preferences for my children."

Re fizzy drinks. My ds's school did an experiment with two milk teeth - one in water and one in coke. My ds (aged 5) was amazed and appalled to see the one in coke turn brown and soft after two days. I hope it keeps him off the stuff. If only I could! I love a fizzy pop.

ivykaty44 · 21/06/2010 19:30

I would let your ds know that it is important not to keep secrets and that you are pleased that he told you and didn't keep things from you.

Leave grandpa, it really isn't going to hurt him if he doesn't know there aren't secrets in your household.

it is great that your ds didnt keep a secret as asked isn't it

DanJARMouse · 21/06/2010 19:30

I would see it more as a "shhhh this is a treat so dont tell mum" knowing full well you would find out.

I wouldnt worry about it. It was a drink!

When my dad visits he often buys sweets for the kids or gives them biscuits..... who cares?! Honestly, its a treat.

Original poster

mckenzie · 21/06/2010 19:32

thanks again for al the replies, they have given me food for thought. DS has just turned 9 by the way.

With any other grandparent I am much more relaxed but PIL seems to have not much clue to what is and what isn't suitable for children of various ages (this isn't my judgement alone, this comes from DH and DH's sister too).
So based on past experiences we have all found it easier all round to be specific (hence I asked the DS came home for tea rather then eating out).

This is the same grandparent who took a 7 year old's word over mine that he no longer needed a booster car seat!

And an 8 year old's word over mine that he could sit in the front seat without a booster seat.

OP posts:

thatsnotmymonkey · 21/06/2010 19:32

It is the lie thing that I find so awful. This is one of the 1st things we are told about in child protection training- do not tell children to keep secrets, do not encourage secrets. It is poor parenting and grandparenting to do so!

luciemule · 21/06/2010 19:33

We have always told our two that we don't have secrets in this family and even if someone in the family asks them to keep a secret, it's okay for them to tell mummy and daddy.
I'm sure on this occasion, he was jokingly saying "don't tell your mum I'm giving you pepsi" kind of thing but talk to your in laws together and explain that you'd rather they didn't tell the kids to keep secrets from you but that you understand he was joking. Tell them if there's anything you don't want them to allow your children to do/have.

darkandstormy · 21/06/2010 19:33

dear, oh dear, what is the world coming to?

piscesmoon · 21/06/2010 19:35

A booster seat is a safety issue.
If he is 9yrs a pepsi is no big deal, as a one off. If he was having them several times a week it would be different. It is a big mistake to label things as 'good' and 'bad', it makes the 'bad' seem desirable. Let it go.

luciemule · 21/06/2010 19:35

Oh dear - the car seat thing would worry me - are they quite elderly?

Original poster

mckenzie · 21/06/2010 19:37

FIL is 66.

OP posts:

DetectivePotato · 21/06/2010 19:37

I hate lying. I would have a word and say that FIL is not to tell DS to lie under any circumstances. It makes it umcomfortable for the child and who knows what secrets children are asked to keep.

TBH the prpsi thing doesn't seem that bad but when you expressly said don't give him that, that would piss me off.

piscesmoon · 21/06/2010 19:42

Don't try to be so rigidly controlling or you will have the sort of DC who stuffs down the forbidden stuff as soon as he gets the chance! You see it all the time-butter wouldn't melt in front of mum and they have a terrible name when she isn't around! Relax-it was one pepsi and they shouldn't be in the position of having to worry about your reaction. (if he as 3rs it would be different).

lefroglet · 21/06/2010 19:49

Just have a word with your FIL - that is easiest. Maybe is all got lost in translation (misunderstandings about "don't tell your mum" being a joke or serious) and this has worried your DS into not telling you/keeping a secret. I wouldn't really mention it to your DS though, it'll just make him think he has gotten his grandad into trouble.
I know a little girl who's mum used to sit down and ask him what she had had to eat/drink when she was with her GPs and told her off if she "admitted" to having a cake or anything she didn't approve of rather than talking to the GPs. It was heartbreaking to see him skwirming in his seat because he thought he was getting himself and his GPs into trouble.

piscesmoon · 21/06/2010 19:58

That mother is setting the DC up for eating disorders in later life,lefroglet. Perhaps FIL should have a word and say that he would like to spoil his grandson ,as a one off, and he shouldn't be made to feel guilty.

lefroglet · 21/06/2010 20:12

I've just read my bloody message back! For crying out loud I have lost it tonight, I really have - it's a girl, not a boy!

WinkyWinkola · 21/06/2010 20:56

Is it so very controlling not to want your kid to lie to you? I think that's the issue here - not especially the drink.

MrsTittleMouse · 21/06/2010 21:05

I would be most upset if one of my DDs was told to keep a secret from me.

piscesmoon · 21/06/2010 21:32

They shouldn't be keeping secrets, but you shouldn't be telling grandparents what they can feed and not feed once the DC is 9yrs, unless they have an allergy, or you have dysfunctional parents.

cory · 21/06/2010 21:37

I am not sure that a 9yo should have to come home and tell mummy every single little thing he had had to eat and drink. At this age, imo they should have some money of their own and some independence. Of course, lying is not good, but asking too many questions is a good way of pushing pre-teens into lying.

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