AIBU to truly want to walk out the door and never ever come back?

[attheendofmytether]

And would I really regret it? I'm not sure anymore.

I have 3 DC, youngest being my 23mnth old DD, and honestly, my other DC (both DS's)have never ever been so destructive and defiant as my DD.
My eldest DS is 15, DS2 is 11, and I don't remember it being this hard.
It's more than hard, it is driving me to the limits of human endurance.
DD seems to have an obsession with anything which doesn't belong to her, dustbins and books. That's all that interests her.

Every day without fail DD gets up and is the equivalent of a tornado in my house.
I try so bloody hard to distract her, play with her, but she is on the go from the moment she wakes until she goes to sleep again, destroying and wrecking as much as poss during the day. (That is all she is happy doing!!)

In the last 4 weeks, she has broken:
my mobile phone
my cordless phone
the door handle to the fridge
my keyboard on my pc (It's taken me 33 mins to write this much because the keys are temperamental now after DD bashed and smashed it so many times)
her bed
amongst other things

She pours all the bubble bath/shower gel away (when I try to brush my teeth/use loo), puts things down the loo (when I try to shower), rubs yoghurt, fruit, chocolate in her hair and all over her body, pours sugar everywhere in the kitchen, empties the contents of every single bin in the house and rubs it all over herself, throws books across the room no matter how often I run around after her.
She is up the stairs at least 18 times, smears any dirty nappies she has on (before I have chance to change her) all over my sofa and floor, then over DS's things.
(I don't have stairgates, I am on benefits and cant afford them.)

This is all every single day!!!!

She will drag tables/chairs/anything across the room to stand on and get into cupboards, reach things I've deliberately placed high out of her reach.

I just cannot possibly watch her 24/7. She can reach all the door handles, and I can't always keep her in my view every second. I sometimes need to wee (never have a No2 while DD is awake anymore, even though I have bowel problems and cause more problems by holding on.) I sometimes need to wash my hair, or shower although it is less and less frequent tbh).
In fact, it is becoming impossible to brush my teeth, because DD will use this as an opportunity to grab and open bottles of shampoo/shower gel etc.

I try to keep these things out of her way, but somehow she always manages to get hold of something, or she is emptying the bin in the bathroom. yukky.
I can't cope much longer. I am exhausted and mentally at the end of my tether.

When will DD understand that if I have said NO 30 times already, the answer is still going to be NO, and even after I have said NO, she just carries right on.
I try to give her attention when she is not destroying my home, but she carries on. Nothing seems to get through to her ever.
I say No, she does it over and over.

I am consistent, I have no problems with DS's, but DD has totally flummoxed me.
Nothing, absolutely nothing at all works with her.
I want to drop her off with XP and just drive and drive and drive, but XP doesn't have the DC very often. (Too busy having a good time childfree.)
I can't bear the thought this is it, for years and years to come.
Why doesn't my DD learn any good behaviour?

Gosh, could she have ADD or ADHD or some other such condition? she sounds like more than a usual 23 month old to me - she sounds like three handsfull!

You asked about when she will understand that no means no, no matter how many times, but i wonder if you've put anything in place to help her get this (Ie: some form of punishment or sanction? a naughty step or something?)

Sympathies to you.

She sounds undersupervised. I know you can't watch her ALL the time but a lot of those things my children would happily have done at a certain age if let and my age gaps were much, much closer than yours.

I'm not sure what to suggest to be honest

I would drop her off with ex he sounds like he needs to pull his finger out and lend a hand.I think if you have a break from her you will feel better about things.

I have no advice, I'm afraid, as DD is 3 and DS four months. But here's some sympathy from me too.

Maybe a stairgate would help - I realise you can't afford them, but they are often advertised on my local freecycle. Worth trying yours?

Is she still in a cot? Can she climb out of it? Or do you have/can you get a playpen so for the sake of your sanity at least sometimes you can pop her in it so that you can have a crap, answer the door, or phone, or whatever without her trashing it?

Re the nappies - time to potty train do you think?

Can you shower at night when they are in bed or set the alarm for before they are awake?

gets safety catches on all cupboards that she can get at. keep valuables out of her reach. keep a bit better eye on her. involve her in whatever you are doing in the house or garden. get a playpen (not for long periods but if you need 5 minutes space or the loo or to do something she cant help with. give her little tasks to do.

our local surestart offer a free home safety check and loan stairgates and safety kits for as long as you need them. if there is one near you, ring them. also, try getting out of the house at least once a day, burn off some energy in the park.

she sounds like a female version of my son of the same age.

I agree with what Eleanor said

Have a bit of a tidy up or rearranging of stuff - things like bubble bath and sugar and stuff should be able to be put out of reach, somehow. I know she climbs, but then you are only stopping her climbing, not pouring (if you stop a pour halfway through then some has already poured out if that makes sense).

Try and simplify things a bit.

Get your sons to help you supervise her when they are there and get them to play with her a little bit sometimes. I know she is not their responsibilty as such and they should be allowed to get on with their childhood/teenagerhood but they are part of a family and she is their sister and you are struggling so they should be happy to contribute a bit to the household in this way.

My son was very "into things" at that age by the way and I couldn't foresee a time where he'd just leave things alone, but he pretty much does now - things that he would have been right into at that age he had all but lost interest in by 2 and a bit.

Thank you for all of your lovely replies.

Maybe I am expecting too much of her.

I usually say NO firmly, then pick her up and remove her from the situation, only she always goes back to the things I have said No to.
Does she even understand what No means?
She seems to behave so much better with her nanny/grandad/uncle and aunt (who watch DD sometimes when I do food shopping). They manage to clean the house and keep DD amused.
I am obviously just a crap mother, who can't keep my own DD safe or amused.

Eleanor When I am sat on the toilet, midflow, (I take DD into bathroom with me obviously) DD uses this opportunity to empty the bathroom bin and squeeze the shampoo etc out.
In the kitchen, she drags chairs to the worktop while I am desperately trying to tidy the frontroom floor. I try to keep her in the frontroom with me, but as soon as I let go of her to pick toys up, she runs for the door. She tips the kitchen bin over in about 3 seconds max.

Everything is fine if I do nothing but watch her and hold onto her the whole time. She is always struggling to get away, and cause more destruction.

So, no washing dishes, no putting washing on the washing line (tried to get her to help me, but she just drags the clean washing across the garden), no housework or showering or teeth brushing unless she is in bed. I shall have to get up at 4am to shower and brush teeth. (DD wakes at about 4.30am every morning)

attheend, have you read the responses? nobody said you cant brush teeth or hang washing while she is up. infact i suggested you involve her in the jobs you do. why are you still seeing problems when people have giving you good suggestions? and i highly doubt you are a crap mother, you said yourself you have raised two boys with no problems. you can do it. change the way you see her, see her as something to enjoy rather than a nuisance.

DD is in a cotbed. She can't climb out yet, but rocks and bounces so hard in there that the floor vibrates and the neighbours have complained of the noise.

Poor you, she does sound a handful! The advice above is good - my DD, while not quite as bad as yours, was into anything and everything. I did a massive clear up and moved all the shampoos, nailvarnish, pens etc out of reach - (def. all cleaning products like bleach etc were way out of reach even before then). She had to ask if she wanted to use pens etc, and if she drew on anything she wasn't supposed to, she lost the right to use them again for a length of time.
I then did a lot of reward sticker type things (cheaper though and just drew sad faces or stars, depending on how she'd been) - and if she did naughty things she got sad faces, and three sad faces meant she lost a favourite toy (which, mean mummy that I am, went in a see-through box way out of reach with a big sad face drawn on the outside). She could earn the toy back with three stars (or, if there were no sad faces, which eventually there weren't) she got a treat like going to the swings or choosing an extra two stories at bed time (so no cost infliction on me).

The sticker system worked well, but only because both good and bad were focused on - definitely work on praising the good things and trying to ignore all the smaller bad things (so as not to give her attention for the bad things). It will pass, but it will take a lot of effort from you. Make sure you get a break from time to time from whatever help you can get, be it DSs or family.

Good luck!

You are not a crap mother, just at the end of your tether. We've all been there to some extent at some point and it's hard to see the good when they're just being naughty, but it is there (just sometimes hidden deep down)

Thank you for all your suggestions.

I wonder how much DD understands at her age.

stairgates may solve alot of theese problems, when you need the toilet, shut her in her room, with a stair gate, dont put her down in the living room untill stairgate is closed etc.

now i know you said you are on benifits, but you can freecycle, also surestart give out free stairgates and safety packs to parents who reach the right requirements ie on benifits (and i think you might)

does she have a cot or aplayen? not suggesting you dump her in them but they are a way for you to clean teeth etc. witout a destroyed house. its imposible to get meaningful housework done with toddler helping so mayb rope in ds's.

keep the computer and phones out of reach locked up ec

think you probhave forgotten howquick they are to get to things they shouldnt

Why aren't you watching her? she must be on her own ALOT to be able to commit all these crimes.

I have two toddlers, 2.5 and 1.5. Toddlers are vile little beings that creat mess everywhere they go.

She should be brushing her teeth at the same time as you.
Dont ever shower whilst she is awake unless someone else watches her for you.
She shouldnt be left in a room or allowed to wander into a room without supervision. If shes getting on to worktops etc this is very dangerous and wouldnt like to be you explaining at A&E that she fell when you wasn't there!

You're her mum, you're suposed to be with her at all times, shes still a baby. If you need to answer the door take her with you, if you have phone calls to make do it when she naps, when shes watching tv, when shes eating, but be with her at all times.

It sounds very much like a normal young toddler who is exploring and trying to get your attention.

My dd2 was like this at that age, it was exhausting. I found that door catches were very useful. She did turn out to have other problems though, and while your dd probably doesn't, it's always worth bringing it up with the doc or HV for them to assess, because if there is a problem, the quicker you intervene the better.

You're all being so nice about this. Thank you. I am actually smiling now, for the first time today.

I will take all the advice on board.

I did have a surestart lady coming round, but after a few weeks, when surestart lady couldn't offer any suggestions and just sat drinking tea while I ran round after DD, which made me feel bad, because I wasn't giving surestart lady my undivided attention, I just couldn't sit and talk to her, I told her I was ok now and she went.(I was never sure what to expect from her in the first place.)

I will call her and ask her for the safety pack.

Eleanor - I am in Essex.