AIBU to dislike the whole PFB syndrome espoused on mumsnet?

[snowdropz]

It pops up again and again and I think it is a load of old codswallop. It irks me.

Is only your PFB precious?

Is it used as some kind of badge of honour for those who have more than one baby? Oh - she is being PFB?

snowdropz its just a saying me dear...not literal..all our children are precious

it means you are being the ott..and at times annoying mum...we all do it...or have at least experienced it..

But it IS true.

It in no way means I love my DD (second child) less than DS (my first)... BUT...

First time mums are (generally) quite precious about stuff. It's the first time they have been responsible for a tiny little baby..so...

1. They listen to shite advice from HVs
2. they worry about everything
3. They believe the marketing bullshit product claims on products offering solutions to sleep / wind / crying / etc etc
4. They (possibly) still believe that life will in someway resemble life before child!!

Second time mums do none of these things!

My personal PFB-award-winning moment: Taking my 7MO child SKIING (yes, skiing... Up a f**king mountain on skis with him attached to me).

Sort of thing you only ever do once before you realise why all the other mums are in a snow park at the bottom of the ruddy mountain near the cafe!!

Also, even as they get older, you face all the 'firsts' with the PFB. When it comes to the younger ones, you've been through it, you know what to expect... You've seen how your child coped and also how his friends coped. You know and trust your own judgement pon things.

So, I for one, thoroughly believe in PFB.

I am one (and would be worse if it wasn't for DD.. She's MADE me be a lot more realistic!!)

I agree with the op - it is usually employed as a patronising put down >

DTs are precious firstborns and I am ever so proud of it.
I do not give e fig what anonymous posters on a random forum think of it, why should I ?
My darling PFBs

Its often used as a patronising put down.

If you feel strongly about something parenting related, you will probably still feel strongly about it with your 2nd, 3rd, and 4th children.

You are allowed to feel strongly about something just because you only have one child.

It does exist though - but its not the answer to every thread where someone simply has higher standards than you or does things differently.

I have more than one child so I have no axe to grind and have never been called PFB as I had 2 children by the time I joined mumsnet.

Harimo- LOL- is that why the Baby Bjorn packaging now has a "no skiing" sign on it? Clearly you're not the only one to try it.

I think it's very true

I think your first child is parented differently from your next kids

I think that things worry you, concern you, bother and interest you that don't with subsequent children

and I think that when you're in it you don't realise quite how laughable some of your concerns can be to people on the outside

and I count me in this - I believed I was quite natural with DS1, that I was not overly-concerned, precious like some of the other parents I saw or knew

and now with the four of them and many years along the line I look back on who I was then and smile inwardly and quite benignly

much as I do with some of the stuff on here, which can only come from first-time round parents, or possibly obsessives of more than one

More often than not I think it is meant in a comradely "I know exactly where you are coming from" way. If people find it patronising then, perhaps, that could just be that they are over-sensitive or have had a sense of humour bypass or that the truth hurts a little.

I don't think it is over-used. I don't see it bandied about all the time.

"If you feel strongly about something parenting related, you will probably still feel strongly about it with your 2nd, 3rd, and 4th children. "

haven't found that to be true at all

nor have any of my RL friends who have more than one

have to say parents of one child whose children are now older also feel the same

so it's not linked to the child / number of children - it's linked to the parent and that hairy-scary period of under-teens when everything is new and unfathomable and can be concerning

Can you hand on heart say it has never applied to you?

It certainly applied to me and I am not ashamed to admit it.

Cue : 3 billion photos of DS1 in different poses at 2 weeks old.

Cue: middle of the night panic and serious debate about whether to take DS1 to ER over... a cold

etc.

I always see pfb as "perfect" first born, you know how when you only have one you tend to think everything they do is perfect and that YOU have to be perfect too, which thankfully, you are unable to maintain with subsequent DC.

I think you need to look at why people say it - it says a lot more about the people who say comments - than it does about the mum in question.

oh and new first time parents are the most sensitive, see slights in every little comment, look or thought, on the planet

(again counting self in this)

oh the outrage of first time parents in that under-teen phase - again smiles (non-condescendingly)

IME it is true though.

PFB syndrom IMO isn't that only your first born is precious but that you're being precious about your first-born because most parents tend to swing to the extreme on at least one thing. It's most pronounced in the baby stages!

Once one child has gone through the stages and survive I think you're a lot more relaxed about the next child facing them and not constantly worrying about them going to school/making friends/letting them out of your sight/sterilising everything until they're 5.

Often it's either used self-deprecatingly (yes I know I'm being PFB but...) or towards someone who genuinely is being unrealistic (sterilising everything until a child is 5). Sometimes it's used as a knock-back by people who are more relaxed AND have more than one child but often because I suspect they recognise that as a way they felt about their own firstborn and either are secretly ashamed so take great delight in telling someone else they're being silly or are well-meaningly trying to say 'look, it's not important, honestly, stop being silly and PFBish because trust me it makes no difference in the end'.

never a truer word

"none of it makes any difference in the end"

Any older sibling will tell you that PFB syndrome has been around forever.

As one myself I am still outraged by the freedoms my younger siblings got that I was denied

Including but not limited to later bedtime, being allowed to watch Grange Hill, Dynasty and other "non-suitable" TV, allowed to go to the swings/shops/pub younger than I was, got ears pierced younger. I could go on all day!!

It may ring true as a syndrome for some, but not all.

oh what tosh

Of course when we have our first child the combination of it all being new territory and our being over whelmed by all these fantastic and terrible emotions makes us just a little bit inclined towards being a bit batty.

It is nothing to do with loving our first child more, nor does anyone saying it reflectthat they are being smug or superior.

I never use it because i think it makes the person you are talking to defensive - which is undproductive.

But i do read posts where I think - 'if you have anymore you will be able to look back and reflect that you are over reacting a bit to this'

Of course it can be used aggressively or as abuse. But mostly when it is used directly to a poster, it is an attempt to illustrate that we can all get a bit precious before time and experience click in a bit.

nah - it's all it really is

I can not really recall the phrase being used in a positive light - but that is just from the threads that I have seen it being used on.

If you think someone is being OTT then you would just say you are being OTT.

I most certainly use it in an almost endearing way.

My first days as a mum were some of most memorable of my life. Those days where I thought if I didn't LOOK at DS almost constanly, he might not breathe, when the thought of leaving my DS in the nursery (Both of my children were born in The Portland, so staff on hand 24/7 to take care of the baby if you need to sleep).

They are so memorable BECAUSE everything was so raw, swining from one extreme to the other (I remember, quite vivdly, crying uncontrollably because DS had... a touch of jaundice. As another poster said, I wanted everything about my gorgeous, gorgeous baby to be perfect.

I stayed in hospital for 5 days , just me and DS, savouring every moment. Taking photos of him every 5 minutes and thinking he looked more and more gorgeous in each one. (Upon reflection, he looked like most babies do: A bit alien!! )

With DD, I was PREPARED. I was home again after 2 days and ready to be a family.

So, IMHO, PFB is not a patronising term and, again my humble opinion, ought to be celebrated.

And, yes, I possibly am one reason backpacks now come with no skiing safety guidelines!!

I have noticed this syndrome many times in the past but it wasnt until I came on MN I realised it had a name!
I do think its a rather sweet thing when first time parents are so very concerned about the smallest details of their childs daily life, and I remember being the same way. Once DD came along, I didnt care any less about giving both my children the absolute best life and upbringing that I could manage, but what I didnt have is the time and energy to worry about the minute details like "is it organic/is it gluten/sugar/(insert banned substance here) free when I buy an emergency drink at the petrol station. It was a case of let some things go or go insane. So I went insane for a few months then started to let a few things go.........

I dont use it as a patronising term at all, just an acknowledgment that some first time parents worry a lot more than most second/subsequent timers.....

Harimo, there was a news story a while back about a man who skiid down a mountain with his baby in a back pack. When he got to the bottom the baby had frozen to death .

Oh, Bunkers, that is so awful

I hated it. Kept stopping to check he was OK, and then getting stressed that it was taking so long to get down the mountain. Stopped at every cafe to check he was OK, warm enough

Felt thoroughly stupid with myself (and, yes, a little PFB!!). Stayed at the bottom in the snow park for the rest of that and the rest of the week and had a thoroughly good time there.

But (while that is quite extreme), I think we all have moments when we first have a baby that we think we can intergrate that with the life we used to have (I also skied PG with both of mine) and learn the hard way that you can't! Thankfully, most of those moments are harmless and funny and we laugh about them afterwards.